Kobold King

Seconded. I've nothing against Keanu Reeves, but he's really not who I picture in the role. All that graphic proves is that Keanu Reeves is the Lord Ruler.

Thanks for letting us know! I'll make sure to put up any long RP posts or the like by then. Also, about you doing site maintenance: People don't express their gratitude to you via partying pony pictures nearly often enough, in my opinion.

The compilation's going exactly like anyone could have predicted so far. TwiLyght's writing quality prose about terrifying mechanical alligators, while most of my portion so far revolves around Sam eating a slice of pizza.

A fruit that sets off Lightwards' weakness is more morbidly hilarious than you can know.

The production of infinite wood would also solve all of the world's energy crises, though Lightwards and Timeport would be too busy bickering to receive any commendations for their discovery.

Now imagine Lightwards as a passionate environmentalist who follows in his footsteps and resurrects every tree as he chops it down.

Eye see what you did there.

Nice! I don't have much need for the feature, but there's no denying it's coolness. I'm almost tempted to sign out just so I can try it out.

Lightsworn Panda, I charge you in the name of Brandon Sanderson himself to post that meme on the "New Reputation Levels" thread when I ultimately pass 9000 upvotes.

Counting this one, there have been 13, 858 posts on various Question threads. Which means--and I am so, so sorry for pointing it out--

All brains have a self-destruct mechanism installed, to be detonated in the event of a soul-threatening mental image. Which is why I'll never ponify Terry/Quota in a comic. It would result in the death of half the forum.

It just occurred to me that in the Mirrorverse, the romance of Thomas Cardinal and Jeanie Jäger is an adorable ship to rival Algaze.

I think I found a solution. If we assume that the allosaur is a reincarnated Koschei the Deathless, then no one can feel sorry for it. It's not the duration of the death scene that matters. What matters is how much pain and trauma you can inflict on him within the few moments it takes for his squishy human body to give way.

"People to Avoid while Trick-or-Treating."

But... what about the Allosaurus? He doesn't deserve that kind of indigestion.

"I hear some of our friends at the Herd keep in touch with some well-known DJs." "It'll be nice to see our musical selection expand. Frankly the constant 'wubs' of the Herd DJs can grow somewhat tiresome."

I thought that was so obvious I didn't need to point it out. Okie dokie loki. I'll PM you the link as soon as I relearn how to set it up.

Remember everyone: the only canon ship is Oregon x Destruction. All other ships are there only to further the Prime Ship. Twi, did you want to do a compilation post in the cottage, or shall we stick to the standard format?

My imaginary people are very excited to see what you come up with. Me neither, actually. Let's just follow the crazy rabbit trail and see where it leads us. I'd read that scene. I'd pay GOOD UPVOTES for that scene.

It'd be risky, but with great risks come great rewards. I have no solidly defined opinion on this. If you want to bring them straight to the Museum, that's fine. If you want to start a conversation between those two lovebirds, I'm happy with that too.

When getting sixteen upvotes on a post fills you with a sense of Cosmeric grandness.

Who wants to estimate how many of The Dalles' citizenry would actually read it? Also, I unleashed a dinosaur on Portland, so anyone with a Dominion or MEE character has a free Allosaurus fight for the taking. Or, you know. We could have him stumble across the Trifecta and devour each one of them before they get a chance to fight back. I'm open to all opportunities.

Oh yeah. Pugs were awesome for hugging. The little dog wagged its tail merrily, cuddling up against her chest in raw affection. It was like a little ball of pure love, covered in hair with a squashed black face and adoring brown eyes. Not that Sam would ever describe it as such out loud, of course. Not unless Mom was really opposed to keeping the dog and she had to create a compelling argument. The silence of the dark street was briefly broken by Nathan's footsteps as he wandered closer to the girls and the pug, his precise and deliberate frown dimly illuminated by the overhanging stars. "Where did you find h—this thing?" he asked slowly, clearly struggling to maintain his sullen Lightwards impersonation. His mouth kept twitching, threatening to curl all the way into an affectionate smile. It was clear that if he didn't have a facade to keep up, Nathan would be cooing as much as Revolution. Even with the all-important, life-saving facade on his shoulders, Nathan still burst into a smile when the pug leaned out of Sam's arms and grinned at him. Sam had to suppress a laugh herself, glad for Nathan's sake that all the real Epics were already gone. "Sam-my! What'd you find….?" Well, most of them, at any rate. Doctor Funtimes skipped over to the gathered vanillas, singing rhythmically to herself as she did. She looked over them all with bright twinkling eyes--before those eyes settled on the pug. The resulting squeal was like someone let the air out of a balloon. A bright pink, glittery balloon that was jumping up and down in sheer delight while ogling and adorable puppy. "Great. Googly. Moogly!" Funtimes cried out across the street. "You have to keep it it's so cute so cute so cute! Oh my gosh oh my gosh soooooooo cuuuuuute!" "Yeah, I guess he is--" Sam started to say, but was cut off as the glittery Epic leaped forward and starting petting the dog in her arms. Sam flinched back involuntarily, but the Doctor didn't seem to notice. "You're keeping it, right? Please please please tell me you're keeping it—" Funtimes sang, finishing in a decisive squeal. "You're keeping it! Traveler, take us home so Sammy can keep the puppy!" Sam shook her head at Funtimes' bubbliness, but compliantly took one of Nathan's hands while cradling the pug in her other arm. The empress of parties and glitter, still bouncing up and down in glee, gripped her boyfriend in one hand and Revolution with the other. Once they'd formed a line of contact, the four--make that five--of them teleported away, leaving the street outside the house dark and silent once more. Revolution was happy. She felt a little guilty for that--it was clear from Samantha's face that the girl had been quite distraught over something. There was also the obvious fact that she was the captive of an Epic. An Epic who had taken to bringing her to war councils. War councils where the most powerful Epics in Portland discussed murdering one another. War councils important enough that even if she and her new comrades escaped, they were certain to be chased down and assassinated for what they knew. Her chances for survival had decidedly plummeted over the past couple of days, and the past hour put her in the same situation as a fly caught in a spider web. Yet: it was hard to stop smiling. She'd made a new friend. They'd only been able to whisper together for a minute, and she only knew his first name--Forrest. But he was a new friend nonetheless, and if she could survive for another few days, then she'd very much like to meet him again. But that was a matter for another time. She clasped hands with Doctor Funtimes and was brought back to the cottage in the space of a blink. The cottage was still the same wacky world of childish whimsy it had been earlier. There was little indication of the fight that had took place earlier; the diamonds of Lucentia had long since been changed to pralines, which were now crawling with lines of ants all across the floors. "Thanks Lucentia," Sam grumbled sarcastically, petting her pug with one hand. "Ants are just what we needed. What a thoughtful dictator you are." "Oh, I'm sure the ants think she's wonderful," Revolution mused with a smile. "They've got all this food to haul back to the nests. They can come home, feed the larvae, kiss their little ant wives, talk about their day, pay tribute to the little ant Epics..." Sam snorted, but there was a smile on her lips. Revolution smiled back, then turned to Funtimes. The Doctor had a briefly funny look on her face, directing a pouting scowl at the pest-ridden floor. Quickly though her face curled into a broad grin, and she raised a hand with a giggle. For the space of a second, the floor of the cottage turned to water. It took most of that moment for Revolution to realize what was happening--the tiles and carpet had all changed to liquid in a heartbeat. It was as if the cottage were suddenly built with three walls over a pond instead of a foundaiton, save for the tiny island that the four human beings stood upon. The water existed just long enough to form bubbles and a couple of ripples before it changed once again, this time into a smooth wooden floorboard. There was not an ant to be seen--they and the bottom inch of all the cottage's furniture had been encased in solid wood. Funtimes beamed broadly at her handiwork before cheerfully skipping into the kitchen. "Well," Revolution remarked quietly, "I guess the ant Epics can go without tribute for a day." Sam's mouth twitched in a smile again, but she, like Revolution, was eyeing the Doctor with a hint of misgivings behind her back. She'd just giggled and killed dozens of insects in a single instant. Revolution considered herself an optimist, but even she had to wonder--how many human beings could she engulf in wood in that same time? Electing not to think of it, she instead seated herself in a wooden rocking chair, which was now too deeply submerged in the floor to rock. Sam found a deep purple couch to lounge on, kicking off her sparkling shoes and experimenting with balancing the pug in her lap. Leaning back in her chair, Revolution looked between Sam and Nathan in succession. Both of them looked tired; Sam looked utterly exhausted, and a few symptoms of stress showed around Nathan's eyes. "Well," she started musingly, smiling at both of them. "It's been a long day, hasn't it?" It had been a long day. Lightwards stood on the dark street, head still pounding as he watchedFuntimes and her vanillas vanish into the gloom. They looked excited about something, though he couldn't quite tell what had gotten their attention. With Funtimes at their lead, it could have been something as insignificant as a penny she'd found. Or a weapon she'd carved out of asphalt. Anything was possible with that madwoman. "What did you think of our allies?" he called to Aldo, who was standing a few meters away with Cricket and Lucentia. "Most excellent fellows, for the most part," the magician responded brightly. "Altermind's a stoic chap, but that's to be expected from a man of his rank. Flashpoint has an eye for the ladies, if the way he stared at my fine assistant here is any indication." "He's welcome to look," Cricket grumbled, folding her arms over her chest. "But that moron better not get any ideas." "And Sightline," Aldo continued as if he hadn't been interrupted. "He's an edgy one. The type who looks like he wants to stab everyone in the room, if you don't mind me saying." "Saying such things is your job," Lightwards said with a nod. He took a minute to stare at his dinosaurs--three raptors and an Allosaurus, all lined up in the street. "Do you have a knife?" he asked Aldo. "I always have a knife," the magician smiled, producing a miniature kukri and engorging it with a flourish. He proffered the hilt to Lightwards, which the necromancer took carefully. He walked to a raptor and plunged the blade into its throat. The theropod let out a gurgling gasp, spewing blood over Lightwards' coat as it jerked backwards and began thrashing about on the sidewalk. Lightwards made a note of the new bloodstain on his clothes and moved to the next raptor, slaughtering it and its final fellow in the same manner. "Save some dinos for the Dominion, Prof," Cricket snorted from the sidelines. "I don't think I get this strategy." "Now, Cricket, have some respect," Aldo admonished affectionately. "This is all part of our Emperor's stratagem. He knows more of necromancy than you ever will." "Well said," Lightwards agreed grumpily, finishing off the last raptor. "Dinosaurs are among my most useful Warriors, but they are hardly portable. Blood is easier to carry." His attire was now a complete mess, soaked in the blood of ancient reptiles. For one odd moment he thought back to his university days, wondering what his old colleagues at UC Davis would think of him had he strode onto the campus stained morbid red head to toe. They'd think he'd gone mad--just as they had when he'd shot most of them. Despite his increasing headache and blurry vision, Lightwards lined up the dagger precisely enough to thrust the blade straight through Pamela Tithers' breast, dropping her to the asphalt with a thud. He didn't bother to collect her blood on his sleeves. Her purpose was served, and there was no need for her worthless body to use up a valuable rank among his Warriors. Next, Lightwards slit a fine cut across the allosaur's leg--this beast was far too large to be killed with a simple slitting of the throat. Instead, he merely ensured that he held its blood on his clothing, so upon its death he could revive it. But what was he to do with it in the meantime? "Warrior," he commanded, a fleeting whim taking hold of his mind. "Walk north across the city Kill every human being you encounter, save for me and my Epics. Seize them in your jaws. Scatter their bodies through the streets. Roar to proclaim your might. Go forth." The allosaur obediently turned around and let out a deafening roar across the suburb. Windows shook in their panes, and the asphalt itself trembled as the elephantine carnivore strode in long steps northwards, already on the hunt. "With any luck he shall slay a good many Portlanders before he reaches the Dominion," Lightwards stated to Aldo and Lucentia, lips curling into a thin smile. "I want the people of this city to feel the fear they haven't felt in a hundred million years. Let them know what it's like to be hunted by a great carnivore--and let them know who commands the monsters that prey on them." Handing the bloodied kukri back to the magician, Lightwards began to slowly walk back towards the floating Museum in the distance. His head was still pounding. He was beginning to feel light-headed. He still wanted to put a bullet in the head of whoever designed those radiant Thoughttown phones. And yet as the first screams began to erupt northwards, punctuated by the roar of the great predator, he couldn't help but give a small smile. Salvation was coming to Oregon, heralded by every scream and cry of the foolishly resisting people. Salvation had arrived, and the man who ruled reptiles was its bearer. The Empire of Light was on the rise.

My new agenda: Acquire a white beret. Teach goat tricks.

I became the Chief Aide to Lady Darthina Glitterstein, but otherwise not much of import happened, besides what TwiLyght said. I support this. TwiLyght, what would Funtimes' general demeanor be like as she kills the ants? Would she give an annoyed Tsssk sound, or would she giggle as she traps them in wood? Would she say anything?