Introducing The Stormlight Archive to My Wife, or: A Hilarious Series of Names

[Goatbringer he/him]

Hey everyone!

So I, like many of you I'm sure, have been trying to successfully convert my wife to the Cosmere. Literally since I met her I've been trying to get her to read The Way of Kings but there never seemed to be a good time for her to jump into it - either she was reading something else, had too much work, or just couldn't commit to a 1000-page book whose series wasn't finished yet. 

However, we've recently figured out that she really enjoys being read aloud to - she likes the sound of my voice and it helps her relax after a long day (she's a high school English teacher dealing with teenage angst all day - please show her some sympathy here). So naturally, I finally sold her on tWoK and I've been reading it to her for the last few months, a bit at a time. At the moment, we're in part 2 and just read the scene where Dalinar experiences the first vision we see 'on-screen' where the Midnight Essence shows up and he fights it off with a fire poker.

So here's another thing: my wife is absolutely hilarious and also has trouble remembering names (to be fair, Alethi names have a lot of -lin, -as, -nar suffixes), so I recently asked her to give me a breakdown of what she remembers each character as. Here's what she's got:

Kaladin - Slaveboi - "He used to be soldierboi, now he's slaveboi, but I'm pretty sure by the end of all this he'll be shardboi" 
Shallan - Sneak - "She's so mean! She's just becoming friends with her to steal her magic jewellery. I don't like her."
Dalinar - Jeffrey Dean Morgan - "He looks like JDM."
Adolin - The Hot Brother - "He's kind of a slut right?"
Renarin - The Awkward Brother
Sylphrena - Manic Pixie Dream Girl
Sadeas - B****boi - "He's the idiot with the bridges right? Yeah, he's a b****boi."
Jasnah - Princess Jasmine - "She's a princess right? No? Yes - she's the daughter of Dead Kingy Boi."
Gavilar - Dead Kingy Boi
Szeth - The Michelin Man - "Because he's big and all in white!" "Tay, he's average size. Just his eyes are described as big." "Are you kidding me?"
Elhokar - Boi King - "You're making sure to write these all as 'b-o-i', right?"
Gaz - C***! - I know this board doesn't allow swearing - but she just straight-up shouted the c-word when I mentioned Gaz. 
The Stormfather - The Stormdaddy - "Make sure they know it's being said in an uncomfortably sexual way."
Chasmfiends - Rock Lobsters

Some early hot takes from Tay:

- Dalinar killed Gavilar so that he could become king because he's in love with Gavilar's wife.
- The shardbearer who Kaladin fights in the first chapter killed all of his men and enslaved Kaladin.
- Sadeas is behind the cut saddle.  
- Kaladin and Syl are going to fall in love.
- Kaladin is going to get a shardblade ("He's obviously going to get a shardblade Chris... don't mess with me here.")
- Shallan already has a shardblade (!)
- Shallan is going to feel too guilty to steal Jasnah's soul-caster OR "Princess Jasmine is going to catch her sneaking around and say 'Hey Sneak. Let's have a DMC about why you want to steal my magic jewellery.'"

I also thought I'd pop back in on this thread every once in a while to update you with any fun observations she makes in the future, and thought this could be a nice place to share our experiences with introducing the series to the people in our lives and their reactions to us being insufferable and incorrigible nerds! 

Edited March 13, 2020 by Goatbringer

[Karger he/him]

This is amazing.  Please update regularly. 

[Use the Falchion]

THIS. IS HILARIOUS. PleasepleasePLEASE keep it up!

[BasementDwellingRadiant]

I absolutely lost my sh*t reading this. It's absolutely hilarious. I very much look forward to your updates.

[SingingMosaic]

Lol! This is brilliant. My roommate just asked me if I was OK because I was sitting over here dying.

[Karger he/him]

You got anything on Teft, Rock or the Lopen?

[king of nowhere]

10 hours ago, Goatbringer said:

 (she's a high school English teacher dealing with teenage angst all day - please show her some sympathy here).

i'm a teacher too and want to show her some sympathy

[Goatbringer he/him]

3 hours ago, Karger said:

You got anything on Teft, Rock or the Lopen?

Not quite yet - we've only met them in passing so far!

[Naurock]

Big fan of this thread. Sad part is I feel we'll need to wait a few weeks or so for more quality updates.

[Wander89 he/him]

This is incredible!!

[Dalfiatach]

Haha just want to add to the general positive vibes, please keep us informed on developments.

Also, "Rock Lobsters" should become the generally-accepted fandom term for chasmfiends from now on.

Edited March 15, 2020 by Dalfiatach

[Goatbringer he/him]

Quick update! 

So I told my wife about how excited everyone was getting on this board. This is generally how it went down:

ME: "I got so many points! I went from Prelan to Babsk to Houselord and now I'm a Forescout!"
TAY: "None of those mean a single thing to me." 

ME: "So how about I read to you again tonight? You can help me with my burgeoning career as a Cosmere comedian. Wait - does that make me Wit?"
TAY: "No, Chris. It makes me Wit. You're just the vessel I use to share my genius with the masses."

Either way, I read a good five chapters last night. Here are some of the zingers:

ME READING: "'I can save her,' Kal said."
TAY: *snorts* "Ha! No you can't. Why? Because character development, Slaveboi, that's why."

Tay tries to convince me by way of a five minute conversation that the White Stripes predicted the plot of the book - "Think about it, Chris! 'I'm talking to myself at night because I can't forget'! Like the Stormdaddy is talking to JDM during the storms! I'm right."

She has also predicted that Kaladin secretly killed Brightlord Wisitow when he was 13 - "Because... abuse? Or something. Slaveboi doesn't like Lighteyes anyways."

She also came up with the following character names:

Rock - Dwayne Johnston 
Wit - The Court Jester
Brightlord Wisitow - Brightlord Wichita (this was the starting off point for her hot take on the White Stripes)
Laral - Rosalind - "Rosamund. Because he's got unrequited love with her like Romeo and Rosamund. Wait - no. Rosalind. Rosamund is playing Moiraine."
Lirin - Pop-Pop

And last but not least, she came up with her title for The Way of Kings. I present to you: The Adventures of Slaveboi and Jeffrey Dean Morgan - Book One of the Stormlight Archive. 

That's all I've got for now! But if we're stuck at home with COVID-19 any time soon, I'm sure there will be more!

[Use the Falchion]

3 hours ago, Goatbringer said:

And last but not least, she came up with her title for The Way of Kings. I present to you: The Adventures of Slaveboi and Jeffrey Dean Morgan - Book One of the Stormlight Archive. 

NICE.

3 hours ago, Goatbringer said:

Wit - The Court Jester

But...isn't thinking of him as simply Wit...shorter...? Or maybe it'll come into play later, since thinking of him as a Jester does help explain his role...

[Goatbringer he/him]

14 hours ago, Use the Falchion said:

But...isn't thinking of him as simply Wit...shorter...? Or maybe it'll come into play later, since thinking of him as a Jester does help explain his role...

You're assuming she's lawful good. Rather think chaotic neutral 

[Karger he/him]

On 3/15/2020 at 8:16 AM, Goatbringer said:

And last but not least, she came up with her title for The Way of Kings. I present to you: The Adventures of Slaveboi and Jeffrey Dean Morgan - Book One of the Stormlight Archive. 

I would totally read The Adventures of Slaveboi and Jeffery Dean Morgan.  That book sounds awesome.

[ToaCalune he/him]

On 3/17/2020 at 0:00 PM, Karger said:

I would totally read The Adventures of Slaveboi and Jeffery Dean Morgan.  That book sounds awesome.

Amen. Amen.

[Ilona she/her]

Hahaha this is so funny, I just started rereading the books and stormfather will only be stormdaddy from now on

[Goatbringer he/him]

We got to the end of Part 2! Here's some of the greatest hits up until Dalinar's choice to abdicate. 

Navani – Michelle-Pfeiffer-that-white-gold – “Not Michelle Pfeiffer… make sure they know it's Michelle-Pfeiffer-that-white-gold every time.”
Chulls – Crab-cows – “It’s what they are, Chris!”

ME: *reading about Kaladin thinking about abandoning the warcamps*
TAY: If he’s going to abandon his friends in Bridge Four I’m done. He will be Traitorboi to me if he does that.

ME: Knobweed-
TAY: Ha! Knobweed. Sounds like pubes. That’s what I’m calling your pubes from now on.

ME: So now that you’ve heard all of them – can you guess who wrote the letter in the epigraphs?
TAY: *defeated* I dunno Chris. Is it the Court Jester?
ME: Yes!
TAY: Wait – really? Oh damnation I’m good at this!

*after Bridge Four has chasm duty for the first time*
TAY: Huh. Guess I was wrong. I seriously thought Slaveboi would be attacked by a Rock Lobster down there.
ME: *knowing smile* 

ME: *describes Kaladin doing his first kata with a spear on chasm duty with Bridge Four*
TAY: Weird flex, but ok.

ME: *describing Dalinar smashing things with a hammer when he’s thinking*
TAY: That’s some Perrin Aybara stuff right there.

ME: *says ‘Brightlord’*
TAY: Hey Chris hey. If there’s a brightlord is there a dumblord? Heh. *pauses* Sadeas. Sadeas is a dulllord.

ME: *reads the word khokh and linil describing Dalinar’s glyphpair*
TAY: Did you say cock? *laughs uproariously* And it’s in the shape of a tower too! Ha!

Legitimately interested reactions (oohs and aahs - not just being funny) to:

-        Dalinar thinking that there’s a pattern to the Shattered Plains.

-        The Parshendi having grown their own armour

-        How spanreeds work

Edited March 27, 2020 by Goatbringer

[Wander89 he/him]

These updates are a bright feeling in an otherwise dull world these days.

[Goatbringer he/him]

6 hours ago, Goatbringer said:

We got to the end of Part 2! Here's some of the greatest hits up until Dalinar's choice to abdicate!

She just read this on my post- "What? He abdicates!?"

Turns out she fell asleep through the last few pages.

[Necessary Eagle she/her]

Dullord is the perfect name for Sadeas

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

This is fantastic! Hopefully I can remember to check in.

[Karger he/him]

10 hours ago, Goatbringer said:

TAY: Weird flex, but ok.

It kind of does it for me.  Don't judge.

[I Am A Fish he/him]

16 hours ago, Goatbringer said:

ME: So now that you’ve heard all of them – can you guess who wrote the letter in the epigraphs?
TAY: *defeated* I dunno Chris. Is it the Court Jester?
ME: Yes!

Wah- How

*gawks*

I'm in awe

Has your wife read any other cosmere?

*Awe spren attracted* 

 

Edited March 27, 2020 by HemalurgicStickBreaker

[Frustration]

5 minutes ago, HemalurgicStickBreaker said:

Wah- How

*gawks*

I'm in awe

Has your wife read any other cosmere?

*Awe spren attracted* 

 

Are humorspren a thing? Because that was awesome