Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Nohadon he/him]

congrats @hoiditthroughthegrapevine!

Edited October 12, 2018 by Nohadon

[Herowannabe he/him]

17 hours ago, Ashspren said:

Let’s meet our first semifinal contenders: 

@Herowannabe, with Human the Koloss! 

@Felt, with Cultivation!

Good luck!

Oh wow, this snuck up on me! I haven’t even read any of the raps from last round. Okay, how long do we have to submit our raps?

[+Sorana she/her]

Good luck writing your raps!

@Herowannabe Usually that's 48 hours, if I didn't miss a change of the rules.

Edited October 12, 2018 by Sorana

[Herowannabe he/him]

Bar the windows and lock the door

Human the Koloss is back for more. 

Stormlight Spoilers:

Spoiler

The Valley shivers, and critters scatter

Chased away by all the clatter

Of marching Koloss, here to invade

Making their way toward the glade

Where Cultivation sits and waits

Not realizing her desperate straits

One Koloss steps to the forefront

He draws his sword and then he grunts,

I come here to kill Cul-

Culti-

...

I call you “Grow Lady”

I make you cry like little baby

What you got, a bunch of life spren?

Me? I got the strength of FIVE men

You sit ‘round and play with moss

I lead twenty thousand Koloss

The Nightwatcher? She’s confusing

I meet her I give her bruising

I don’t need no boons or curses

To defeat you with these verses

You just grow things, but I beat them.

CHOP them up and then I EAT them.

I kill you too I BASH your FACE!

SPILL your GUTS all over PLACE!

RIP YOUR HEAD OFF

BREAK YOUR TREES

SNAP YOUR-”

 

Human abruptly stops his rampage

His face goes calm, devoid of rage.

His sword lowers and he stands still

For someone else controls his will

 

Around the beast steps a cocky guy

With red hair and discerning eyes

That slide past the vegetation

And lock onto Cultivation

 

He gives a grin devoid of charm

And pats the Koloss on the arm

A new rhythm begins to tap

And then Ati starts to guest-rap

 

Step aside son, this one’s out of your weight class

That’s right Culti’, I’m talking about your fat butt

I like what you’ve done here, it really is cute

But now I’m about to render the whole thing moot

It's time to say your farewells and look around

‘Cuz it’s about to end, yeah I’m gonna break it down

 

Yo

It’s me Ruin and I’m on the scene

Here to demean

The Garden Queen

With lyrics mean

And rhythms keen

And bars obscene

I’ll take the sheen

Right off your dream

Till’ nothing green

Will ever be seen

And I’ve forseen

The other 16

Will take a knee ‘n’

Bow down to me.

 

‘Cuz who can stand

Against this firebrand

I destroy off hand

And take your Woodland

Your Grassland and Wetland

Your Highland and Lowland

Hinterland and Heartland

With a wave of my hand

The whole world is spanned

With eternal WASTELAND

But please understand

And don’t reprimand

This destruction grand

It’s all been planned

And it’s what I demand

 

But let me give credit where credit is due

I respect you Culti’, I honestly do

You’re practiced at pruning but you don’t ever go far (enough)

Take what you did with that fool Dalinar

You cut out his memories and buried his loss

I’d have just killed him, or made him Koloss

 

Speaking of which it’s time I should go

And let my boy Human finish the show

 

Human’s eyes fill up with bloodlust

He becomes now truly monstrous

With his skin splitting at the seams

He puffs up and begins to scream

I STAND AT FRONT OF KOLOSS HORDES

FOURTEEN FEET TALL WITH GIANT SWORDS

WE COME NOW AND BURN YOUR JUNGLE

WITH FLAMING BRANDS IT’S TIME TO RUMBLE

WE KILL YOUR SPREN AND STUPID PLANTS

YOUR GIANT BUGS DON’T STAND A CHANCE

SO MANY THINGS FOR US TO KILL

START WITH YOU?

YEAH, I THINK I WILL!

    

 

Edited October 13, 2018 by Herowannabe
formatting

[Felt he/him]

Test the best / magnificent roast / this is Cultivation /
 isn’t this roasting magnificent / besting the test
-Ketek written by an illiterate human after the Third Tournament of the Roast Battles-

Spoiler

 

So-so this is round two,
and this is what we’re gonna do
You bring your guest crew
And ima roast both of you

You don’t understand
Ima give you a reprimand
Rhymez come out of me
…straight up, on demand

Now how many things
can you rhyme with land?
grassland and wetland?
Isn’t that poetry bland

Man you are boring,
it’s getting kinda out of hand,
I need to step it up a beat
and show you your defeat

 

Now considering your value,
the Lord Ruler created you
We all know that his world view
was a bit askew

Watcha gonna do?
With me compete?
Just take a seat,
and listen to the beat

You make me into stew?
I am the pot, the fork
and the fire....
You are the ant and I’m the shoe

You haven’t even got a crew
Just a murdering zoo
with no added value
and a severe intelligence issue

 

Bored or enraged,
two states of mind
the only thing I find
when I look at your kind

Twelve feet only you can grow
does it matter? (you’re is still slow)
Cuz your aspect ratio
Isn’t in accordance with your freak show

I set my Knights Radiant aglow
To you I deal another blow
Lyrical perfection is my ammo,
Stupid and Koloss goes toe-in tow

Fighting for a little sword
Killing each other on a whim
Just like you I’m already bored
But Slammer is my pseudonym

 

So I gotta stand up
and slam you with some funky rhymez
So I gotta get up
and tell you about all your crimes

Koloss are killing without reason,
Koloss have very little intelligence
Human wants to be human
But never thinks of consequence

If you ever got a house,
what would you even do with it?
Run around in circles,
in the end you would destroy it

Now I turn my attention
to the man that’s pointing the finger
what are you doing here, Ati?
Aren’t you dead, you little ginger?

 

Shard can only fight shard,
is that why you are here?
Just look at Steris and Lopen,
against all, they still persevere

Ati my boy,
we both started out the same
You’ll have to admit your defeat,
you are out of this game

Now how does it seem,
to be on the loosing team
With roast and boast
I will crumble your dream

You are both dead.
…And I’m still right here,
instead of going down
I am best in Cosmere

 

[Ashspren]

Here's the link: 

https://goo.gl/forms/9AU4gvCRW1oTAXp83

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

[Ashspren]

And the winner is... @Herowannabe, with Human the Koloss! 

~~~ 

Next up: 

@hoiditthroughthegrapevine, with Steris! 

@Firerust, with Lopen! 

Good luck!

[+Ark1002]

I like Mistborn better then SA, so...

GO STERIS!

[Felt he/him]

Congratulations @Herowannabe,

That was a good round 

Unfortunately couldn't do better because of a time restraint... I'll be back next tournament though!!!

[Borio Singaldi he/him]

Aw, dang. I'm not ready for this. We'll see how this panders out, ugh. Okay. I got this. The Lopen can win this with one arm tied behind his back -- and the other one gone completely.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Oh crap, still getting work done... Should be ok though, Steris can take the Lopen out with one arm tied behind her back.

Congrats @Herowannabe, Human crushed it, as he always does.

Nice roast too @Felt, that was a fun round.

[Herowannabe he/him]

8 hours ago, Felt said:

Congratulations @Herowannabe,

That was a good round 

Unfortunately couldn't do better because of a time restraint... I'll be back next tournament though!!!

Thanks, and right back at you! Well fought!

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Steris was buried under a pile of paperwork, but she's finally emerged to bring "The Lopen" "The Roast":

Spoiler

So you think you are the definite article Lopen, how quaint.
  That there is in fact only one of you is not cause for complaint
    To suffer your inanity one must really be a saint (which I 'aint)

You see, the thing about you Lopen that is SO annoying
  is that folksy Herdazian real talking that you're always employing.
    It's like being buried in cotton candy, it's so saccharine and cloying.

You know too, don't you, that radiant spren are like children–
  they are blank slates that their Knights Radiants fill-in.
    Teaching kids to make rude gestures makes you a vulgar villain

So you grew a new arm, now you just need to grow a new joke
  that One Armed Hedazian bit, well son, it just broke.
    what can a Two Armed Herdazian do? Choke?

While I'm roasting you, you're so lazy you're probably napping,
  So in Zen Koan form, this roast for you, I'm recapping
    What's the sound of a two armed Scadrian verbally slapping?

****OUCH*****

Another self-proclaimed king—Elvis—died on his throne
  You can't sing or dance, but here's a preview of your gravestone
    Because you're still an enigma, it's written like a Zen Koan—

      Here lies a bottle opener that was always napping
      Who when he died after his Radiant snapping,
      Couldn't answer the question "What's the sound of one hand clapping?"

(Do you hear that The Lopen, that's the sound of two hands clapping, APPLAUSE, doubt you'll hear that anytime soon)
 

 

Edited October 16, 2018 by hoiditthroughthegrapevine
formatting

[Borio Singaldi he/him]

Oof. Ouch. Solid roasts.

Now for mine:

Spoiler

Hey, The Lopen is back

For another rap attack!

I’ll bring the macho

Down on you, gancho!

Ain’t no going back

From the Lopen’s smack,

I’ll pown you, gon!

So now bring it on!

 

Now here’s something to embarrass here

Looky, look, we’ve got Steris here!

You rely on your Waxy boy to help you fly

When I can with greatest ease claim the sky!

You write down all your lists and plan for weird stuff

But you’re in danger now, guess you didn’t plan enough!

None of your lists prepared you for this roast battle,

You never saw ME coming with these roasts to make you rattle!

 

What were you married for? I can’t remember, honey

Oh yeah, you needed a title to keep from fading away!

Your hubby married you for just your money,

I hope he’s gonna be free of you someday!

You got married cuz you had to, no one wanted to be with you!

You got stuck with a social outcast who has feelings for your sis!

Speaking of which, your dad’s a player, isn’t that true?

I guess ignorance of your horrible parents is bliss!

But daddy’s biggest mistake was having you first,

A silly little girl who ain’t living her life!

And your worth to the story is just the worst,

Cuz you’re nothing but the “cool guy’s” wife!

 

Every word from my mouth is just straight fire,

You better get out, now your situation’s dire,

You tried to tangle with the king of single-arms,

But you’re just brainy little Steris Harms.

 

To think you’d win is heresy!

You’re just way too Steris-y!

Your existence is embarrassing!

So sit! Back! Down!

You’re just filler for the story!

You’ll make our hairs go hoary!

And you’re nuthin’ but boring!

Imma take! This! Crown!

 

You wanna see some sky? Lemme show you around!

But when I Lash you up, you’ll just come crashing down!

Cuz you’re not worth saving, You’re just a bother!

No kid of yours will ever want to call you mother!

Are you crying? Well, tough! I lost a limb with a smile!

I won’t find someone as weak as you for quite a while!

Just go home, sit down, I still win with one arm!

Cuz competing with me will just bring you Harm!

 

Cuz I am the Lopen, you can’t hold me down

When all is through, I’ll finally get my crown

For I am a king by the word of another

And I rule the skies with my Windrunner brothers

Nobody takes my place as the king of rap,

So y’all stop giving me your two-armed crap!

I still beat everybody with room to spare,

You could try to compete, but it just won’t compare!

I’m a winner, I’m a Knight! I’ll fight the Voidbringers!

Make more friends, protect others, and be pals with a singer!

I’m the guy everyone loves, the rest of you are lame!

Which is why I’m the winner of this so-called “game”!

I’ll just sit back and enjoy my chouta here,

While you just GET THE DAMNATION OUTTA HERE!

 

[Ashspren]

Here's the link!

https://goo.gl/forms/dBvqYYWT1N89aSUs2

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

[+ILuvHats he/him]

1 hour ago, Firerust said:

You got married cuz you had to, no one wanted to be with you!

 

1 hour ago, Firerust said:

But daddy’s biggest mistake was having you first,

 

1 hour ago, Firerust said:

But when I Lash you up, you’ll just come crashing down!

 

Cuz you’re not worth saving, You’re just a bother!

Wow.  I think we just saw the dark side of the Lopen.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

2 hours ago, Firerust said:

You tried to tangle with the king of single-arms,

But you’re just brainy little Steris Harms.

Rad.

 

Voted for Steris, but that was close, the Lopen almost convinced me...

[Box Turtle]

7 hours ago, ILuvHats said:

 

 

Wow.  I think we just saw the dark side of the Lopen.

Seriously, the whole time I was kind of just... afraid lol.  Great job both of you!

[+Ark1002]

That was great. Not going to reveal who I voted for *Ahemsterisahem*, but that was amazing, both of you.

[Ashspren]

And the winner is... @hoiditthroughthegrapevine, with Steris!

---

I will write out the official statement for the championship shortly. Until then... let the smack talk begin, I guess?

[Herowannabe he/him]

Talk is for sissies, Human prefers to just SMACK! 

Edited October 18, 2018 by Herowannabe

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

9 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

Talk is for sissies, Human prefers to just SMACK! 

I, on other hand shall float like an allomancer (thank you Wax), and sting like brass.

Face it Human, you're a has been wanna-be human that's getting too big for his britches, you're gonna need stiches. You're a combination of 4 losers, and it seems like you got the boorish parts of all of their spirit webs.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Edited October 18, 2018 by hoiditthroughthegrapevine

[Borio Singaldi he/him]

YAY!! CONGRATS @hoiditthroughthegrapevine!!!  That was a good spar.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

3 hours ago, Firerust said:

YAY!! CONGRATS @hoiditthroughthegrapevine!!!  That was a good spar.

Thanks Firerust,  I thought it was way too close to call, your Lopen roast was awesome!

[Rhapsody she/her]

congratulations @hoiditthroughthegrapevinethat was really awesome