fantasy magic systems My Magic System

[Tobysmouse]

Basically I'm writing a MG fantasy and I was wondering if anyone could give me some tips on developing it.

In the world of Okaros everyone can use magic, no 'nobles get magic's or 'Wizards and Muggles'.

However, magic can only be used when one gets an object called a 'Soul Key' (EDIT: Soul Keys are easily obtained, you can buy them in shops) What you need to do is etch symbols onto it. The element (Fire,Water,Earth,Air,Lightning,Ice,Metal, Solar and Lunar) is written first followed by the type of spell. E.g To make a Water Whip Soul Key you etch the symbol for Water and then the rune for Whip. Once this is done, you either break the key in half (Quicker, but you do not get as much magical energy) or dissipate it (Much slower but you get more magic for your Elemental well.) When you use a Key of Fire, and you have never used Fire magic before, you will gain a new well of power. Children can go to schools of magic from the age of eight. Also when you use a Soul Key, for one day your power in that element will be twice as powerful, but afterwards it will wear off. There is also things called Shape Crystals, with these you carve an animal out of it. Once this is done you can summon that creature, the better it is carved the more powerful the monster will be. There is another world called Ivumel, in that there are a race called Ivumites, they use magic of crystals. They draw energy through the shards embedded in them, then release it in short bursts of power. The way magic came about in the world of Okaros is that elementals crashed to the ground, their meteors shattering into billions of Soul Shards, which are made into Soul Keys. There is a legend that when the Elemental of magic Exos came down, one of his Soul Shards changed into the key of Exos, which is said to (SAID to) give the user all magical abilities (Try and guess what it really does). This is an outline of my Magic system. If people ask I will post the first 3 chapters on here. Thx

Edited June 13, 2016 by Tobysmouse

[Quiver]

So, question. If using a Fire Key for the first time grants you access to Fire magic as a well of power...

How does that differ from the Exos Keys? Aside from how time/money consuming it would be, wouldn't buying and using a key from each element have the same effect?

[Eki]

Does MG mean middle grade?

Are the soul shards from the meteors a finite resource, or can they be reused or artificially created? Is there a risk of them running out?

How does the economy of soul keys look? Are they expensive?

Is the strength of the magic dependant on the skill or strength of the user? On the quality of the etching? Can one person etch and another use?

[Tobysmouse]

On 14/06/2016 at 6:34 AM, Eki said:

Does MG mean middle grade?

Are the soul shards from the meteors a finite resource, or can they be reused or artificially created? Is there a risk of them running out?

How does the economy of soul keys look? Are they expensive?

Is the strength of the magic dependant on the skill or strength of the user? On the quality of the etching? Can one person etch and another use?

1. Well the Soul Shards, when used go back into the earth, so right now there isn't a worry and yes MG is middle grade.

2. Think $15 American

3. Well it's not so much the quality of the etching as the quality of the Soul Key itself.

Edited June 15, 2016 by Tobysmouse

[Tobysmouse]

On 14/06/2016 at 5:00 AM, Quiver said:

So, question. If using a Fire Key for the first time grants you access to Fire magic as a well of power...

How does that differ from the Exos Keys? Aside from how time/money consuming it would be, wouldn't buying and using a key from each element have the same effect?

Well first there is only one Exos Key and second it has nothing to do with magic. But if it did give you all magic it would give you an Exos Well, which has all magic in it. Also if too much magic is used (Like a 50 foot long stream of fire continuously) you can literally combust.

[Tobysmouse]

Oh and there is some spells which no one knows the runes for, there is one called the Jotun. Which is basically an ice giant with water for veins. By the way I'm a kid so don't go too hard on me.

[Master Elodin]

2 hours ago, Tobysmouse said:

Oh and there is some spells which no one knows the runes for, there is one called the Jotun. Which is basically an ice giant with water for veins. By the way I'm a kid so don't go too hard on me.

Then why are they there? And how are they known? This doesn't make sense to me.

EDIT: Also, please try not to double or triple post. If you need to add something, edit it in.

Edited June 15, 2016 by Master Elodin
Look at me! I'm an edit box! Wheeeeee!

[Tobysmouse]

5 hours ago, Master Elodin said:

Then why are they there? And how are they known? This doesn't make sense to me.

EDIT: Also, please try not to double or triple post. If you need to add something, edit it in.

1. Well texts depict the forgotten spells being used, but mysteriously all records of the runes have been destroyed

2. Sorry the editor wasn't working on moblie.

[Master Elodin]

8 hours ago, Tobysmouse said:

1. Well texts depict the forgotten spells being used, but mysteriously all records of the runes have been destroyed

2. Sorry the editor wasn't working on moblie.

Ok, that makes more sense.

[Darkness Ascendant]

On 13/06/2016 at 9:20 PM, Tobysmouse said:

The way magic came about in the world of Okaros is that elementals crashed to the ground, their meteors shattering into billions of Soul Shards, which are made into Soul Keys.

Wait wait wait. THEIR METEORS? I am afraid I do not understand this, assuming that the elementals are beings made of a specific element and that meteors are small bodies of matter from outer space that break the Earth's atmosphere. How do elementals have "meteors", are you saying that they used to be asteroids? And then broke up into smaller meteors on impact of the Earth's Atmosphere and burning up as they fall? Because a Meteor burns up on entry. I think the word you are looking for is meteorite? (shooting stars)

Knowing that like 90% of matter that enters Earth is burned up on entry and that the remaining 10% actually hitting the surface. In this case I am assuming Exos was the one Asteroid that didn't break up on impact and turned into a bolide (fireball) disintegrating until only enough of "him" remained to be turned into a Soul Key? How are Soul Shards turned into Soul Keys? Were the elementals in fact just "Solid Souls" floating in Space until Earth's gravity caught them? If this is the case, then surely other planets have Soul Shards as well, which would imply that there are inumerous amounts of Solid Souls just floating in Space. Are the Elementals sentient rocks? Or were they depicted like that from ancient civilisations which first discovered them? Like Gods that fell from heaven? 

Do you burn Soul Keys like Allomancers or do you draw on their powers like Breath, like the energy is released from breaking it or dissipating it and then "absorb" it? so does this imply magic can be "stolen"

On 13/06/2016 at 9:20 PM, Tobysmouse said:

you either break the key in half (Quicker, but you do not get as much magical energy) or dissipate it (Much slower but you get more magic for your Elemental well.)

 

On 13/06/2016 at 9:20 PM, Tobysmouse said:

power in that element will be twice as powerful, but afterwards it will wear off.

So sorta like Half-Lives, I reccomend you describe the powers rather than as elementals but as supernatural forms of radiation which came from the places like the hearts of stars, the cores of quasars or the very essence of Black Holes.

Personally I think you should keep your fundamental ideas and powers but redo the whole system so it feels more like a system rather than a few good ideas strung together half-formed. It needs serious revising and I believe you should ask more questions to yourself about what you are writing. Look at your ideas from a different perspective.I am glad you posted this here as a second opinion is vital when creating something. Oh and work on the sources of the powers more, the forces that the powers contain and the processes identified with them

On 15/06/2016 at 8:32 AM, Tobysmouse said:

2. Think $15 American

They should cost alot more, because I implied before, it is impossible to have that many Soul Keys unless their Power Density is extremely high, so a small amount would surmount to alot of power. Majority of the power would have been "diluted" on entry of the atmosphere, so I have an idea for you. Make it so people are slowly evolving due to the energies in the atmosphere and subsequently the water and the land, and so are developing powers of their own, natural powers. You can call them "True Elementals" if you want  

I know this is alot to think about, and I have merely touched on one part of your Magic System (I will review the rest when I am less tired of thinking than I am now). But please don't feel like I'm criticizing you, look at this like constructive feedback. 

[Tobysmouse]

Thanks Darkness, I'll take what you said into mind. 

[Darkness Ascendant]

34 minutes ago, Tobysmouse said:

Thanks Darkness, I'll take what you said into mind. 

glad, be sure to post the revised edition  

I also decided to check on the rest of your system.

On 13/06/2016 at 9:20 PM, Tobysmouse said:

There is also things called Shape Crystals, with these you carve an animal out of it. Once this is done you can summon that creature, the better it is carved the more powerful the monster will be. There is another world called Ivumel, in that there are a race called Ivumites, they use magic of crystals. They draw energy through the shards embedded in them, then release it in short bursts of power.

So how does this power work? I cannot see anything that draws your systems together, other than the use of crystals, shards. How does the crystal "recognise" what you have drawn? or are they special types of Soul Shards? In this way perhaps the Ivumites have in fact mastered a form of magic to draw on the very essence of the magic  that powers all of your systems, similar to Investiture. As for the last part, how did the Shards get imbedded into them? surely they must have run out by now. 

Oh and could you post the first three chapter's of your story? I would really like to see how you are using these magic systems in relation to each other

[Tobysmouse]

On 20/06/2016 at 7:12 PM, Darkness Ascendant said:

Oh and could you post the first three chapter's of your story? I would really like to see how you are using these magic systems in relation to each other

Sure. It'll take a while cos of school and stuff, but I'll try.

[Tobysmouse]

On 20/06/2016 at 7:12 PM, Darkness Ascendant said:

glad, be sure to post the revised edition  

I also decided to check on the rest of your system . How does the crystal "recognise" what you have drawn? or are they special types of Soul Shards? 

Well it's a bit like in Rithmatist. It's just something people don't know.

[Darkness Ascendant]

13 hours ago, Tobysmouse said:

Well it's a bit like in Rithmatist. It's just something people don't know.

oh ok in that case

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

18 hours ago, Tobysmouse said:

Well it's a bit like in Rithmatist. It's just something people don't know.

It's ok that people don't know, but IMO you should. That's how you can work out all the cool powers and limitations.
That's just my personal philosophy on the subject though, there are other valid points of view.
I guess it all depends on just how structured you want your magic system to be.

[Tobysmouse]

On 25/06/2016 at 4:14 PM, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

It's ok that people don't know, but IMO you should. That's how you can work out all the cool powers and limitations.
 

Alright, so basically the shape crystals know because of the small soul inside them. This is why the Soul Keys don't run out, the pieces of soul go back into the earth and reform into Soul Shards.

[Darkness Ascendant]

1 hour ago, Tobysmouse said:

Alright, so basically the shape crystals know because of the small soul inside them. This is why the Soul Keys don't run out, the pieces of soul go back into the earth and reform into Soul Shards.

The similarities are endless.

So like Atium from the Pits of Hathsin 

[Tobysmouse]

On 27/06/2016 at 9:41 AM, Darkness Ascendant said:

The similarities are endless.

So like Atium from the Pits of Hathsin 

Oh yeah...

[Darkness Ascendant]

10 hours ago, Tobysmouse said:

Oh yeah...

dw we all understand, Sanderson is very influential 

[Tobysmouse]

Update: you can no longer dissipate the Soul Key, it must be broken but it still causes pain to the user

 

[Tobysmouse]

Here is the 1st 3 chapters of the book

 

Spoiler

 

CHAPTER ONE

 

Tim Renning awoke to the sounds of screaming and crackling flames. As he got out of bed, his 13 year old self protesting for more sleep, he glanced out the window to see a creature unlike one he had ever seen before. It had long,sharp crystalline spikes growing out of it, and it's face was a grinning, white skull. He gasped as the creature grabbed a villager in its claws and threw it against Tim’s wall, making the whole house tremble. Brushing aside his dark brown hair to reveal bright green eyes, he dashed downstairs to see his master grabbing a Soul Key and a small bag from the safe. “Ferris!” Tim shouted, barely audible over the noise. “What’s going on?” The old man turned towards him, throwing the Soul Key and the bag, answering “It’s already been etched, just use it and get out of here, to the city. There’s enough money in there to get you star...” Ferris’ sentence was cut off as chalk-white claws burst through the wall, wrapping around his torso and pulling Ferris into the night. “Master!” Tim screamed, diving through the hole to see Ferris, who was unconscious, in the hands of the creature and flying away. “Noooo!” Tim looked down at the Soul Key in his hands. “I better get this right,” he broke it open. Instantly he felt a strange power flowing into him. He got a sensation of a strong gale, trying to rip him apart. He grimaced and activated the power, suddenly a small, swirling vortex wrapped around his feet. Tim jumped, the vortex rose higher and boosted him up! “Ahhhhhhhh!” he yelled, as he was catapulted into the sky. His arms flailing, Tim managed to regain control as he plummeted downwards. It was going to be a long way to the city.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“Sir?” “Yes?” “There’s a boy on the doorstep!” “Hmmm? Well bring him in,” Tim felt strong arms encircle his waist and carry him away as he heard receding footsteps. Opening his eyes Tim could see tapestries depicting Soul Keys and other strange artefacts. “Good to see you’re awake,” the man carrying him said, “I’m Leo, a… teacher of sorts around here,” “Where am I?” Tim groaned “Oh, I’m Tim,” he said as he rose to his feet. “Why, you’re at Cantel, the best school of magic in the province!” Leo exclaimed, sweeping his broad arm around the hall. “Do you know any magic?” Tim asked. Leo snorted, “I’ve been at a magic school for over 20 winters now, of course I know magic! Speaking of magic, how about you?” “1 spell, I think it’s called Vortex Jump?” “Like this?” Leo grinned as a vortex coiled around his legs, blasting him into the air, performing a backflip as he did. He jettisoned off the roof, onto the wall and back onto the ground again. “How did you do that?” Tim asked “I can barely land!” Leo smiled “Since you’re at school, you need to have lessons, so consider this your first. What most people don’t know about Vortex Jump is that you drag your legs, using magic, in the direction you want, meaning that the rest of your body follows. Lesson over, race begins.” “What?” Leo bounded down the hallway, pushing off the walls. Tim powered up his magic. Glancing towards the heavy doors, he boosted off the floor towards them, twisting in mid-air. He hit the door, flinging himself off the eldar wood Tim flew quickly towards Leo. He looked back, mouth opening in surprise at the speed Tim was travelling. Tim gaped as he watched Leo thrust his hand out towards him. A small sphere of fire was rotating above Leo’s palm. Oh no. Tim thought, as the ball was thrown at him. Looking up he noticed an iron chandelier, he grimaced, this was going to be tough. Reaching up towards it, Tim grasped the metal bar, his legs swinging towards the roof with the sphere singing the cloth of his shirt. His Vortex Jump almost drained of energy, Tim pushed off the ceiling to see Leo striding towards him, arms swinging and a big grin on his face. “Great jumping!” Leo exclaimed “What was that spell you used, you know the glowing ball of fire?” questioned Tim, “Ohhh, you mean Solar Sphere, I think I’ve got a Soul Key somewhere,” Leo answered, rummaging through his pockets. “Aha, just need to etch it now,” Leo proceeded to produce a short knife, carving ancient symbols into the crystal. As he finished the last one, a reddish-orange glow appeared around the key. “Break it open and we’ll go to the dormitory.”

 

 

 

CHAPTER TWO

 

When Tim walked through the door he noticed two things, 1; the room was filled with a bunch of extremely noisy boys, and 2; they were all throwing magic spells at each other. One pair were going so far as to having a competition of who could levitate the highest. “QUIET!” Leo roared. When none of the boys listened Leo proceeded to clap, which sent a sonic boom bouncing around the room and into the rafters, where the two levitating boys were thrown onto the ground. “We have a new student with us today, his name is Tim. He may not know as much magic as you but don’t underestimate him. Now, into bed!” Everyone, including Tim scrambled to get under their covers. He laughed quietly, he was going to love this place.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“Wakey, wakey, wakey! Time to get up cupcakes!” yelled Leo, who was banging a drum as he walked through the door. As Tim opened his tired eyes he spotted that one sleepy boy had lifted his bed into the air, and was trying to levitate it through the doorframe. Which resulted in a crash from the bedstead, Leo seemed not to notice and walked down to the end of the room. Suddenly he whipped his hand out towards the levitating bed, sending a thrust of wind at it, which turned the bed over and dumped the boy onto the floor. After all the boys had gotten into their uniforms, (which had appeared at the end of their beds), the group of boys followed Leo into the long hall. Before long they were joined by a group of girls. They were being led by a tall, slender woman with red hair and great sword with a strange blue sheen to it. “Who’s that, and what’s with her sword?” whispered Tim, to a boy with glasses beside him. “That’s Lady Loretta, the weapons master, and her sword is made of the…well…material called echolite, it means that the blade’s sharpness can be changed to as strong as a piece of papyrus, or razor-sharp. It’s useful for training sessions.” “How sharp does she normally have it for lessons?” asked Tim “Oh normally about 3 quarters!” answered a voice behind them. Turning, Tim and the bespectacled boy were greeted with the sight of Lady Loretta looking down at them. “Where are your weapons boys?” “Mine’s here,” said the boy with glasses, holding out a strange spear, which had a metre long blade attached to its end. “Where did you get that, and what is it?” Tim asked. “It’s called a durgan” said Lady Loretta, “I got it with magic, summoning it from my amulet,’ answered the boy, tapping a pendant he wore. “Say, you don’t have a Soul key by any chance?” he said, “I’m Henry, I could show you how.” “Sorry, Ferris and I could never afford them.” “Never mind,” Henry said, as he handed a Soul Key to Tim, along with a knife. “Just etch in a weapon symbol.” Tim tried to remember his writing lessons with Ferris. He scraped a sword symbol. Breaking the key Tim felt his left hand grow heavy as a weight was pressed into it. Looking down he saw a wooden hilt with a leather grip, which was fairly standard. But the strangest thing about the weapon was that the blade was a sort of rainbow shape, single edged with a blue sheen. It was echolite. “Whaaaa?” Lady Loretta provided the information. “It’s called an Agility Axe, even though it looks nothing like an axe. Have another Soul Key, I’m interested to see what you get.” She pressed another Soul Key into his hand, already etched. Tim broke it open and was revealed with a standard longsword, complete with a sheath for his back. He noticed that he now had two rings on his hands. “Alright let’s get to the arena!” stated Lady Loretta.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

When they got to the arena Tim realized that Leo wasn’t making the students do repetitive drills. Instead he was letting them engage in a massive free-for-all. Kids were throwing lightning and fire at each other, and swinging swords, spears, axes, and all manner of weapons at each other. Tim gulped “Won’t they be hurt? Won’t WE be hurt?” “There’s an echolite ring around the arena, it’ll only feel like a bag of sand is hitting you. See ya!” Henry sprinted towards the conflict, swinging his durgan at a group of kids, who were sticking together. Tim searched for an opponent, noticing a black-haired boy with scaly armour, he was all alone. Tim activated his Vortex Jump, the sleep he had had filling its energy right up, he jumped towards the arena’s concave wall. He pushed off the edge, the wind whistling around him. As he flew towards the boy he realised a couple of things, the boy’s scaly covering wasn’t armour, it was his skin. Also he had his hand pointed right at Tim, where chunks of earth were ripping themselves out of the ground and joining into a growing ball of it. The ball was blasted at Tim with a short burst of fire and he was knocked to the ground. Shaking the dust off, he stared at the dragon skinned boy, who went on to slam his palm onto the ground. This attack sent a wave of earth towards Tim who managed to dodge it just in time with his Vortex Jump. He retaliated by drawing the sword from his back and leaping at the boy. The dragon boy pulled out a long knife and threw it, spinning end over end, right at Tim’s chest. From his side Tim pulled out his Agility Axe and clumsily blocked the knife, sending his axe right back at the boy. The scaled boy was caught off guard and took the hit straight to the head, falling to the ground. As Tim walked towards the dragon-boy he realized that an audience had gathered around them. They began to clap, whispering to each other “Who’s he?” “How’d he defeat Kai so easily?” Kai stood up, reaching out and shaking Tim’s hand. “Good job,” he said “Not many people can beat me in a fight first try. What say we go to the dining room and talk things over?” “Umm, okay?” answered Tim.

 

 

CHAPTER THREE

 

 

“So you’re from Gilramore are you?” asked Kai, taking a swig of his Pomegranate Syrup. “Yeah, I suppose you heard about the attack,” replied Tim. “So what’s the go with Soul Keys out here? People are handing them out like crazy, and I thought they were expensive.” “Well the thing is, Cantel is right near a Soul Mine, so we get about 100 each month.” “Soul Mine?” “It’s a place where we mine the shards which become Soul Keys” “Hey, why do you have dragon skin?” questioned Tim. “I’m what’s known as a Dragoon, it means I’m half-human half-dragon, you’ll see a few of them around here. Hey Tim, what’s your specialization?” “My specialization? What do you mean?” “You know, like I normally use earth, fire and metal magic. What do you use?” “Well I only have two spells, and one’s air while the other’s solar. So I don’t think I have one.” Tim looked at a tapestry which showed a carved animal. “What are those things?” “Oh, now those are the expensive ones. They’re a special material that, when carved into the shape of an animal, can be changed into a living breathing version. My family only has one, and we’re the ruling dynasty of Ashborne.” “What’s Ashborne like? I heard that the magma elemental Volcanis decided to take up residence in one of the mountains, 350 years ago, is that why the place is covered in ash?” “Pretty much, hey do you want some Soul Keys? I’ve got a few spare.” “Thanks that would be great!” Kai handed Tim 15 Soul Keys. “That should start you off in a specialization. Do you want help in choosing one?” “Um, I think I’ll be good thanks,” said Tim, as stood up. “Okay! But if you ever choose metal, earth or fire, you know who to come to.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

Tim pulled the leather-bound dictionary from the shelf, its cover read RUNES OF MAGIC. He flipped it open and read the first page. In the 38th Anghor Thom dynasty the elementals came to Okaros, the comets that they crashed down in breaking into millions of fragments. The people found these crystals, and discovered their true use, shaping them into keys and etching them with runes to gain powers far beyond understanding. But they were not learning magic, merely unlocking potential that had already been there. Legends sprung up about an artefact called ‘The Key of Exos’ who is the elemental of magic. When Exos crashed to earth, one of his Soul Shards embedded itself in the River of the. The next part had been smudged and dirtied until it could not be read. When breaking the key, it is said you will gain every magical power in Okaros. Tim flicked through the pages, seeing diagrams on how to make Soul Keys, and how craft weapons. He stopped on one that read choosing your magical specialization. Intrigued, Tim read on. The first thing to do is look at your available spells, depending on which ones you like, their types could be a good choice. Also think about what spells you have seen used, and which ones you liked the most. That was helpful. He had once seen a man pass through the village who used ice spells, creating statues and ice creatures. Tim pulled a Soul Key from his pocket and grabbed his knife. Flipping to the table of contents, he saw a section that was on magical runes. He went to page 139, and was revealed with a table of words, types being at the top and spells being underneath. Tim selected a symbol which meant Icicle Spear. He scratched the words onto the Key. When he was done he broke the Key. Tim suddenly felt freezing cold, and it seemed like someone was driving a knife into his side. The sensation ended, and he focused his magic out of his palm. Small snowflakes, then icy shards, then chunks of ice appeared in front of him, shaping into a levitating spear. With his mind, Tim directed the spear out the window. A puff of icy wind and the spear was off, sailing over the heads of teachers and students alike, until it shattered into fragments when it crashed into an eldar wood tree. “Yes!” cheered Tim, leaping in excitement. He turned to the book again, “How about another Ice spell?”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

A huge brass bell toned, warning the students it was time for class. When Tim, Henry and Kai got to the classroom, the air was filled with sparkling lights, which were bouncing off the tables and walls. “Attention!” yelled a tall, willowy elf. “Today is the day you will join your guilds. Those who are already in one may practice their magic in there.” He pointed at a circular door, which led to a small training room. Kai, and some other boys and girls filed out. “In Cantel there are 6 different guilds, they are: The Dragonbloods, Knights of Frost, The Ironfists, Chaos Shifters, Wood Mages, and The Lightning Hunters. The elf lifted up a stack of paper. “Circle the guild you wish to join. Once that is done you will be asked to go to the guild room, where you will be marked with the symbol of your guild. Begin.” The elf blew on the paper, it flew over the heads of the students, landing perfectly on each of their desks. Tim considered, long and hard. Which guild would he join? The Dragonbloods had Kai in them, but Tim felt more drawn to the Knights of Frost, as he had learnt a great deal of ice spells. Tim grabbed the stylus and circled the guild. He stood up and walked to a door marked Guild Room. When he opened the door, he saw rows of stamps, each one in a different colour. Somehow, a pale-blue one in the shape of a sword with a snowflake embedded in the hilt flew towards him, dropping into his hand. Tim pushed it against his shoulder, feeling the liquid soak into his skin. Strangely he felt a pulse of magic there, as if some of his had travelled there. Tim called on the magic, suddenly a whirlwind of snow and ice spun around him. When it dissipated, he was standing in a completely different place. It was filled with kids talking and laughing, some sledding down a huge ice mountain. Then someone called out, “Hey, a newbie!”

Phew, that was a wall of text.

All critique is greatly appreciated.

[Darkness Ascendant]

I don't have enough time to read the whole thing (7 percent battery) but Tim seems like a really adaptable guy.

One minute he's screaming about his master. The next having a conversation with the headmaster of a school of magic.

 

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

My opinion is that you're rushing things, a lot! Which results in unnatural characters.

• Like Darkness said, first Tim's screaming about his master being dismembered by a monster and the next moment he seems totally fine about it.
• Leo's acceptance of Tim is way too easy: "Oh look! A boy just dropped out of the sky onto my doorstep. I have no idea who the heck he is, but instead of asking about it let's just randomly make him a student and give him a magic tutorial for no apparent reason."
• Kai just got his behind kicked by a total newbie and he's completely fine about it?
• The conversation between Kai and Tim was all over the place; "My town got destroyed just yesterday, and somehow I expect you already know all about it. I'm totally fine about it, though. By the way, why are people handing out soul keys like candy?" immediately followed by "Hi, I'm a half-dragon. What kind of magic do you use? Oh, here's a bunch of expensive magic items, but it's okay because I'm royalty."...
• Everything comes too easily to Tim. In the morning he gets handed his soul keys and later the same day he's already learned a bunch of ice spells, and suddenly he's joining a guild because of that. Without any hint as to why he chose to learn ice spells in the first place, instead of any other element out there.

In general, everybody's too nice. The point of any book should be the main character overcoming difficulties, but there aren't any difficulties for Tim to overcome. After the monster attack, there's not even a hint of any conflict.

Also, really think about how your characters would react to certain events.
You have a monster attack, an that is the reason Tim ends up at the school, and that's okay, but Tim's acting like it never even happened, which means he's massively in denial or he's a complete sociopath. Somehow I don't think that's what you're going for. It never even gets discussed that Tim lost his home and his mentor.
How would you react to these things, how would your best friend or a relative react, think on that and use it to create your characters' actions.

I'm sorry if you feel I'm being too harsh in the criticism. You could have a good story here, but if you cram all these events into less than 3000 words it's just a roller-coaster that will leave your readers' heads spinning and confused which way is up. Which is not an encouragement for them to keep reading. My advice is that you take what you've written and use that as the basis for expanding the story. Take your time, build up a logical chain of events, keep in mind how your characters would react to those events and don't be afraid to re-write things that you're not sure about or satisfied with.

[Tobysmouse]

2 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

My opinion is that you're rushing things, a lot! Which results in unnatural characters.

• Like Darkness said, first Tim's screaming about his master being dismembered by a monster and the next moment he seems totally fine about it.
• Leo's acceptance of Tim is way too easy: "Oh look! A boy just dropped out of the sky onto my doorstep. I have no idea who the heck he is, but instead of asking about it let's just randomly make him a student and give him a magic tutorial for no apparent reason."
• Kai just got his behind kicked by a total newbie and he's completely fine about it?
• The conversation between Kai and Tim was all over the place; "My town got destroyed just yesterday, and somehow I expect you already know all about it. I'm totally fine about it, though. By the way, why are people handing out soul keys like candy?" immediately followed by "Hi, I'm a half-dragon. What kind of magic do you use? Oh, here's a bunch of expensive magic items, but it's okay because I'm royalty."...
• Everything comes too easily to Tim. In the morning he gets handed his soul keys and later the same day he's already learned a bunch of ice spells, and suddenly he's joining a guild because of that. Without any hint as to why he chose to learn ice spells in the first place, instead of any other element out there.

In general, everybody's too nice. The point of any book should be the main character overcoming difficulties, but there aren't any difficulties for Tim to overcome. After the monster attack, there's not even a hint of any conflict.

Also, really think about how your characters would react to certain events.
You have a monster attack, an that is the reason Tim ends up at the school, and that's okay, but Tim's acting like it never even happened, which means he's massively in denial or he's a complete sociopath. Somehow I don't think that's what you're going for. It never even gets discussed that Tim lost his home and his mentor.
How would you react to these things, how would your best friend or a relative react, think on that and use it to create your characters' actions.

I'm sorry if you feel I'm being too harsh in the criticism. You could have a good story here, but if you cram all these events into less than 3000 words it's just a roller-coaster that will leave your readers' heads spinning and confused which way is up. Which is not an encouragement for them to keep reading. My advice is that you take what you've written and use that as the basis for expanding the story. Take your time, build up a logical chain of events, keep in mind how your characters would react to those events and don't be afraid to re-write things that you're not sure about or satisfied with.

Thank you sooooooo much. I'm improving on everything you and Darkness said and should have the edited version up in about a week.

I did realise that Tim didn't care that much about his master dying and am changing that right now.

As for the everything being too easy, that is going to change in the course of the book, a boy almost breaks his legs and someone sends an assassin (The bully's family, as the boy, Vincent was expelled from the school) Also this is also only the first 3 chapters, so I'm not adding conflict in to them right now.

The conversation between him and Kai is being updated now, and the fact with the ice magic is going to be explained. 

Basically I'm going to make it so that when Tim was about 3 or 4 one day something bad happened with fire (probably a loved one's death, his parents are not dead, they just sent him to their family friend for training) which would subconsciously make him want to repel fire. I possibly might even make Kai become his enemy.