First Lines

[Odium's_Shard]

' The sun peaked the horizon, the new day beginning in a ritual of fire. Orange streamers shot off in hundreds of directions with a single, mandarin stroke, as Set leant again the railings guarding the cliff’s hazard, watching. Flaking white paint mixed with the minute holes of the rotworms along the surface of the ancient beam, and its ability to shield the villagers against the drop had long since passed its zenith, but Set wasn’t concerned.'

Again, the poetics are very nice, but I think they are getting in the way. The phrase "single, mandarin stroke" is an example of this. If the orange streamers are shooting off in hundred of directions, what does it mean to have a single stroke? That seems to be an impossible image. Perhaps you are using stroke like one might use penmanship? As in, all the streamers have the same artistic flair to them. But if that is the case, then the "mandarin" aspect can't be a color but rather a style (specifically, a bureaucratic style). But what sort of stroke is that? Are you trying to convey a sense of the brush stroke that a mandarin might use in writing a Chinese character?

It has a very nice poetic ring to it, but I can't make out a clear meaning.

I see what you mean, and I intend to explain.

When the sun 'peaks' the horizon, I assume it to mean that it rises above the invisibility of the below the horizon. To 'peak' something means, in my definition, at least 'to rise over', as well as 'top of the mountain', etc. It was the sole verb I could find that both describes that the sun rises above the horizon, is short and snappy (and, as you say, quite poetic), and also gives the connotations that everything is downhill from here.

Similarly, with the 'orange streamers... single, mandarin stroke' it was all about connotation. Hints. My works are structured similarly to BS' in that all is as it seems until the mystery, the uncertainty, and then the discovery and the euphoria (or the terror) sinks in, and they find out something new about the entire world, and the way things work.

There are hundreds of streamers, and each one is a single, mandarin stroke. I can see how it is confusing however, but to me at the time it made most sense. It is there to give a sense of tradition, and calligraphy, as this is important to the rest of the story (and it has a Chinese-style history, ie, architecture takes inspiration from, the hierarchy is similar to it, with feudal lords, and a grand Emperor who feels he is the True Light, etc., when actually throughout the books Set exposes this, and is hunted for it, and finally stumbles upon an ancient secret that allowed them to play puppet-masters, masters this new magic, comes back and realises that actually, all along, he was being played for playing with the players, and that there were overarching forces at work, heading towards the destruction of the entire world. Set realizes this, and that it was his fault that they were allowed to meddle (as the Emperor he kills had a handle on these things) and quickly has to stop it using his new gifts.

That is the premise (basically) of the Lux Chronicles.

[Thought]

Thanks for the explanation, though keep in mind that the only person you have to justify your writing to is yourself.

But regarding "peaks," it sort of looks like I wasn't clear in what I was trying say about intransitive and transitive verbs. The verb "to peak" has numerous definitions, but those are limited by how the verb is used in the sentence. You are using the verb as a transitive one (it has a direct object), so grammatically speaking, only the transitive definitions can be used. In this case, that means that you sentence actually reads something like "the sun caused the horizon to come to a high point." It's formulated as a transitive, which means that the subject is acting upon the direct object. Or, in this case, the sun is doing something to the horizon. That isn't what you want it to mean, but the only solution is to change how the sentence is structured.

It is easy to fix your sentence: just turn the direct object (the horizon) into an indirect one. You did this, essentially, with your alternate definition: "to rise over." But, of course, the verb there is "to rise" with "over" being an adverb that signals that you are specifically using the intransitive definition. Rise has its own transitive definitions, which you don't want, so that adverb is necessary. Likewise, add that adverb to your original sentence, and it goes from being odd and confusing to making perfect sense.

Does that make more sense?

Edited April 9, 2012 by Thought

[Commander Spoonface]

I have several first lines, none of which make much sense.

"The summer night showed a distinct resemblance to a mollusk."

"It took Travis almost three hours to realize that he was dead."

"'Dammit,' said Harris, 'Somebody took all the trees again.'"

[lyssie95]

I hate it when those hooligans steal the trees.

Well those certainly grab reader attention.

The first line of what I'm working on right now doesn't really make sense with out the rest of the paragraph, but...

"The wan light of the crescent moon high above the city highlighted the cold, clean emptiness of the city square."

and in context

The wan light of the crescent moon high above the city highlighted the cold, clean emptiness of the city square. During the day, the open space was a crowded mess full of criers and buyers, but in the flat moonlight that all melted away and the area seemed peaceful... serene.

well, it seemed that way.

Weldan's shoes slapped against the cobblestones as he strained to hear something, anything over the sound of his own ragged breathing.

and then there is a whole running away from the bad guy thing for a while.

I am prolly going to rewrite the entire opening scene later, when I get a bit further in story development. The little joke on the reader amused me to write, but it'll probably get cut.

[Tulir]

I really would like feedback on this, because I don't have an intuitive understanding on what is good sometimes in books.

"Vistier could feel the land's pulse."

The idea I'm working with is an elementist world where after lots of training and hard work, the element becomes another sense to them, with some type of Life God that isn't good for the people, who actually is good for hem but they don't realize it. Kind of like TLR but different.

Edit: On a different note, if anyone gets one of their books published, I would like to know because most of them sound interesting.

Edited April 17, 2012 by Tulir

[Thought]

Spoonface? That's a good sight better than spoonguard, I tell you what.

"The summer night showed a distinct resemblance to a mollusk."

This one, at least, doesn't make sense to me, but it can work very well indeed if the next sentence fulfills the reader's expectation and explains, in some fashion, how this makes sense.

It took Travis almost three hours to realize that he was dead.

Now see, this one is perfectly understandable. Actually, sorry, but it reminded me of the spirit of Elantris' opening (pun intended), and all that followed from that opening worked nicely, so there is no reason to be so down on this line. Although, it does bring up a few expectations in me as a reader: either Travis is undead, a ghost, or something similar. If he's not, well...

"'Dammit,' said Harris, 'Somebody took all the trees again.'"

Again, makes sense to me. Now, from what you've said, I suspect you mean something like "somebody took all the trees" from the forest, but I could see it being a bunch of potted plants as well. Point being, we can see how this might happen, even if it isn't how things are happening in the story, so we have a place to stand.

Of your three, personally I'm the most interested in the middle one. The first sounds like a nonsensical farce, which can be great fun for about 5-10 pages. The latter seems either mundane (potted plants are gone) or like it is trying too hard (if a forest is gone). But that is just me.

It's time to party like is Lyssie95

The wan light of the crescent moon high above the city highlighted the cold, clean emptiness of the city square.

Even out of context that seems to make sense, although I think you could obtain greater clarity by trimming it slightly.

The wan light of the crescent moon high above the city highlighted the cold, clean emptiness of the city square. During the day, the open space was a crowded mess full of criers and buyers, but in the flat moonlight that all melted away and the area seemed peaceful... serene.

well, it seemed that way.

Weldan's shoes slapped against the cobblestones as he strained to hear something, anything over the sound of his own ragged breathing.

Generally I like it (especially the phrase "criers and buyers") but that last sentence knocked me out of it. Presumably Weldan is running, hence the shoes slapping and the breathe ragging, but you've sort of presented that as a mystery. At first I thought Weldan was standing somewhere, stomping his feet to feet warm, while trying to strain to hear something. Those two actions were at odds. It took a moment to realize that you were probably going for running rather than freezing behaviors. Or was this the joke on the reader that you were talking about?

For the rest of it, again, I think you could cut out a few words here and there to make things a bit better. But, I tend to dislike it when certain words are used too close together. Not everyone is that way.

Tulir... ... sorry, I have no bad puns for you. I just couldn't think of any.

"Vistier could feel the land's pulse."

It works well enough for me. It's simple, but it still conveys a slight bit of unusualness. A "land's pulse" doesn't necessitate magical thingies -- it might be the general hum of activity of a region -- but it can hook someone's interest. The only bad thing I really have to say is that the name Vistier doesn't work for me. It is too much like the word "visitor." Indeed, at first I thought you just misspelled the word, but then decided it was probably a name.

And, to once again put up my own first line for mockery:

"The snow hid the dead."

[Tulir]

Ok, that is a downfall to the name, I didn't realize that. Thanks. Now, on yours: I like it. It sounds like the story begins after a battle or something similar, which often are books that are good. It would make me read the book, maybe not other people.

[Thought]

Thanks Tulir. But, to not let myself off easily, my own first line there smacks a little of white room syndrome. My story is set during winter, but that is a line I think would cause a number of editors to put the manuscript down. Additionally, that line promises two things: that snow and the dead are important to the rest of the story. It's raising readers expectations, so I'd have to be sure that those expectations are satisfied in some regard.

[lyssie95]

Thought- I like it. It is evocative, kickstarts the imagination. A bit morbid, and I do expect there to have been a battle and it be winter, but... Those are my expectations. It sets the stage for a rather grim story, but... I like grim stories, so unless the rest of the page is butterflies and bunnies it is good.

As for the white room syndrome, that sentence evokes in me an empty field, the snow a blanket covering the odd shapes of twisted corpses.

And wow, that was dark.

Also, I don't think the dead/snow are explicitly in my expectations. The snow just sets the scene, and the dead are only as important as they are to your vieewpoint character.

Edited April 19, 2012 by lyssie95

[Zas678]

Lyssie, I'm pretty sure that I know why. You're LDS right? You're probably channeling the Martin and Willy Handcart company.

(For those of you who don't know, the Martin and Willy Handcarts were two handcart groups that travelled by handcart to Utah way way too late in the year. A bunch ended up dying in the snow, and it's a pretty familiar and powerful story for many in the Church)

[lyssie95]

Lyssie, I'm pretty sure that I know why. You're LDS right? You're probably channeling the Martin and Willy Handcart company.

Huh... good point.

[Aeshdan]

"The summer night showed a distinct resemblance to a mollusk."

If you're actually going to make a story with this as the first line, you'd better explain what it means fast. As in, the same paragraph fast.

"It took Travis almost three hours to realize that he was dead."

I like this one.

[FeatherWriter]

I'm really not that great at first lines, but here's my most recent.

"It was a beautiful May day; the sun was shining, the leaves were green, and Kara Mitchell was in the worst of moods."

Yeah, wow. Mediocre at best.

And, oh what was that? Fanfiction? /shot

Loki fanfiction? /shot twice

[Aeshdan]

I'm really not that great at first lines, but here's my most recent.

"It was a beautiful May day; the sun was shining, the leaves were green, and Kara Mitchell was in the worst of moods."

Yeah, wow. Mediocre at best.

And, oh what was that? Fanfiction? /shot

Loki fanfiction? /shot twice

Has potential, mostly because of the nice contrast between the best of circumstances and the worst of moods. Need to explain why she's in such a bad mood, though.

[FeatherWriter]

Yeah, that was the feeling I was going for, but it's still lackluster at best. I'm not a terribly good writer myself, but I'm quite the analyst. I quite prefer to disect the works of others more than I like creating.

[Aeshdan]

First line of a story i just started for this forum.

"In the time foreordained, a wind arose over the Dragonstone".

[Lady_Yasha]

"I am Nothing; no family, no name, no beginning and no end - no future. I will die for the sins of man, but I will not become a martyr. I will be hated and spurned, but not loved. Why, then, was I compelled to help them?"

I haven't written much of this book because I'm still working out the details. But it's essentially about an immortal drifting through the years without an identity, witnessing the atrocities man commits while ignoring the compassion for love and art.

[Thought]

"It was a beautiful May day; the sun was shining, the leaves were green, and Kara Mitchell was in the worst of moods."

Not bad. Like Reader, I like the juxtapositioning. This is undermined by the first half being a bit… tell-y. I don’t buy that the day was beautiful: the justifications you give aren’t convincing. The sun was shining? The sun shines in December, too! The leaves were green? Mistletoe has green leaves! This could be a dreary, horribly December day just as easily as a happy, beautiful May day. And, some people (myself included) might like the December day more than the May one, so being told that something horribly sun-shiny is beautiful makes me want to be contrary. Perhaps, have a character tell us why they find it to be a beautiful day? “My favorite birds, robins, were skipping about the trees like three year olds on a jungle gym.” “The air had an attractive cleanness to it, like the scent of a woman’s freshly washed hair.” “The plants had discarded the last of their winter-shyness and were embracing the warm weather with wild abandon.” Etc.

"In the time foreordained, a wind arose over the Dragonstone".

Meh. I’m not really interested in foreordained things. Knowing that things were predicted undermines their urgency, especially when it is that way right off the bat. Sanderson gets it to work, for me, because usually it is the characters that care about the prophesy, and since I care about the characters, I care about it, too. Jordan had less luck, and once the characters accepted it and moved on, I did too.

Also, I’m tired of dragons, and hence dragonstones, but that is mostly a flaw with me.

"I am Nothing; no family, no name, no beginning and no end - no future. I will die for the sins of man, but I will not become a martyr. I will be hated and spurned, but not loved. Why, then, was I compelled to help them?"

I think that would be a fine line, elsewhere in the book. Here, it gives us a lot of naval gazing right off the bat. I’d actually recommend going with the last line first. “Why was I compelled to help them?” That gives us a sense of action, the warm fuzzies (yay for help), and the perception that this guy is complex and remorseful.

And, again, in recompense for any harshness on my part, here's another of one of mine to be criticized and mocked:

“‘nother round!”

And the context:

“‘nother round!”

Although the patron yelled his request, Vlasa could barely hear him over the off-key singing that was happening near the hearth. Not that she truly needed to hear: she owned this alehouse, and her business sense was keener than any sentry’s ear. There was coin to be had.

Edited July 24, 2012 by Thought

[IvoryRoad]

"Aaron Barille didn't even have time to comprehend the steely blur that hurtled toward his position before it blasted into the thick wooden barricade that served as his cover, spraying his face with a cloud of wood chips."

This is a line from the prologue, which actually has little to do with the tale's main character at this point, but the events in the prologue will form a major plot development later.

The context:

"Aaron Barille didn't even have time to comprehend the steely blur that hurtled toward his position before it blasted into the thick wooden barricade that served as his cover, spraying his face with a cloud of wood chips. The cruelly thin quarrel penetrated the wall, burying itself up to its precision-forged fletching, coming within an inch of his sternum.

He promptly dropped back behind the barricade, swearing at no one in particular, and belly-crawled to the left."

It's not as unique an opening as I generally prefer, but it pretty much has to open like this for the plot to work properly. I'd appreciate any advice on sprucing it up a little.

[Aeshdan]

"Aaron Barille didn't even have time to comprehend the steely blur that hurtled toward his position before it blasted into the thick wooden barricade that served as his cover, spraying his face with a cloud of wood chips."

This is a line from the prologue, which actually has little to do with the tale's main character at this point, but the events in the prologue will form a major plot development later.

The context:

"Aaron Barille didn't even have time to comprehend the steely blur that hurtled toward his position before it blasted into the thick wooden barricade that served as his cover, spraying his face with a cloud of wood chips. The cruelly thin quarrel penetrated the wall, burying itself up to its precision-forged fletching, coming within an inch of his sternum.

He promptly dropped back behind the barricade, swearing at no one in particular, and belly-crawled to the left."

It's not as unique an opening as I generally prefer, but it pretty much has to open like this for the plot to work properly. I'd appreciate any advice on sprucing it up a little.

This has way too many adjectives and descriptors for a description of such a quick-happening event. I like "swearing at no one in particular", though!

[Thought]

"Aaron Barille didn't even have time to comprehend the steely blur that hurtled toward his position before it blasted into the thick wooden barricade that served as his cover, spraying his face with a cloud of wood chips. The cruelly thin quarrel penetrated the wall, burying itself up to its precision-forged fletching, coming within an inch of his sternum.

He promptly dropped back behind the barricade, swearing at no one in particular, and belly-crawled to the left."

I'd agree with Reader that there are too many adjectives. Actually, for quick action, it is too wordy in general. I struck out the ones I think could easily go.

I think there is also a problem with tenses (though good lord, tenses are annoying things, so I might be wrong). I think that, basically, you are having the spray of wood chips happen concurrently or before the arrow hits the barricade, not as a result of. Likewise, the arrow is burying itself in the wood before it has penetrated. Combining a past tense in the independent clause with an imperfect tense in the dependent clause skews the meaning of when events occur (it makes something in the present occur before or at the same time as something in the past).

Regarding word choice, I suspect most people aren't familiar with the arrow-ish definition of "quarrel," and so that might confuse.

And finally, I thought Aaron was already behind the barricade (as indicated by the arrow coming within an inch of his sternum after it hits the barricade and punches through). So why is he dropping behind it again? Do you mean that he is falling further back from it?

[IvoryRoad]

I'd agree with Reader that there are too many adjectives. Actually, for quick action, it is too wordy in general. I struck out the ones I think could easily go.

I think there is also a problem with tenses (though good lord, tenses are annoying things, so I might be wrong). I think that, basically, you are having the spray of wood chips happen concurrently or before the arrow hits the barricade, not as a result of. Likewise, the arrow is burying itself in the wood before it has penetrated. Combining a past tense in the independent clause with an imperfect tense in the dependent clause skews the meaning of when events occur (it makes something in the present occur before or at the same time as something in the past).

Regarding word choice, I suspect most people aren't familiar with the arrow-ish definition of "quarrel," and so that might confuse.

And finally, I thought Aaron was already behind the barricade (as indicated by the arrow coming within an inch of his sternum after it hits the barricade and punches through). So why is he dropping behind it again? Do you mean that he is falling further back from it?

Yeah, that's typically a problem I have at the beginning of a work. I try too hard.

Actually, I specifically chose to call it a quarrel. The weapons they're using have very little in common with your standard bow and arrow, other than the fact that they both fire fletched, sharp projectiles. They're more in the vein of crossbows in terms of power, and I'm pretty sure "bolt" or "quarrel" is the proper term for a crossbow projectile. In my mind, an arrow has not nearly enough power to punch laterally through a thick wooden barricade, unless it's falling from above.

Not sure where the tense error was, but maybe it'll be easier to fix after cutting out the adjectives...

What I was trying to get across is that he was behind the wall, but looking over, so he was exposed. Then he drops back into safety. Maybe I should say "drop back below" or something in that direction, indicating downward movement.

[Aeshdan]

I'm pretty sure "bolt" or "quarrel" is the proper term for a crossbow projectile.

It is.

[Thought]

Just to be clear, what is proper and what is prudent are different things. Perhaps I am just grossly underestimating people, but I'd think most would wonder why verbal arguments are being hurled against the barricade. The martial definition of quarrel isn't well known, in my estimation. Quarrel might be a technically correct term, but if it confuses readers, it should go. But, it is your choice as to how much you want to trust your readers.

That said: a quarrel is a specific type of crossbow bolt, but not all bolt are quarrels. In a similar manner, a bolt is a specific type of arrow, but it is still an arrow.

[IvoryRoad]

Just to be clear, what is proper and what is prudent are different things. Perhaps I am just grossly underestimating people, but I'd think most would wonder why verbal arguments are being hurled against the barricade. The martial definition of quarrel isn't well known, in my estimation. Quarrel might be a technically correct term, but if it confuses readers, it should go. But, it is your choice as to how much you want to trust your readers.

That said: a quarrel is a specific type of crossbow bolt, but not all bolt are quarrels. In a similar manner, a bolt is a specific type of arrow, but it is still an arrow.

I think with context, it should be fairly simple to understand after a certain point. I spent the first few chapters of TWoK trying to figure out what the devil a spren was supposed to be, but eventually I got an idea.

Meaning, if I describe it as "a sharp, fletched quarrel", the clues should nudge the reader to think "Oh, like an arrow", but it should still maintain individual identity, because it has differing features when compared to your standard fantasy arrow.

Note, also, that this only has to work in the prologue, because once the main character is introduced to them, there's an "instruction" sequence that goes over the weapons and the quarrels in some detail. This is the only scene where we see them used before then.

You might notice, I've grown rather fond of "quarrel". I'll quarrel for quarrel all day long.