First Lines

[Chaos he/him]

Okay writers. Let's rate each others' first lines. First line of their book, a new character, whatever. I've got a silly one (which spawned the idea to make this topic in the first place):

Tavaris prayed, but received a monkey.

[FeatherWriter she/her]

Hmm. My actual first line for one of my stories is: "Reene was dying." But I think I like my second chapter's first line better: "By the fourth day out of Jaiset, the curse reached its peak."

[Silus - Shard of Flame he/him]

I don't think a lot about my first sentences by themselves. I think more in terms of a first paragraph or first scene.

Two of my first lines:

"The instructor across the desk from Stallix was staring at him."

and

"Thick eyebrows furrowed over midnight blue eyes."

Not much, really. But here's the first paragraphs for these lines:

"The instructor across the desk from Stallix was staring at him. He could tell exactly where her eyes wandered. The burnt wings, the horns, the odd patches of fur on his chest and arms. They attracted attention; and despite this being the fifth meeting they'd had together in three weeks, he was enough of an odd sight that she still couldn't stop staring. Stallix didn't care, he'd seen this and worse every day of his life that he could remember and probably before then. He just wanted it to be over."

and

"Thick eyebrows furrowed over midnight blue eyes. Long, pale fingers darted like spiders over polished plastic keys with a rapid clicking. Small white type displayed the secrets of a powerful database, secrets rarely seen by those without the hidden knowledge this man possessed. These encrypted meanings flowed like water for him, and while he reveled in the power, it meant little, for the power came so easily to him."

Better, yeah?

[mycoltbug]

Here's the first line to my short story I've been working on:

"A slight breeze rippled the loose drawn draperies in the high office deep in the Citadel of the Rock."

and from Ashes of Creation my novel:

"Father will never forgive me for what I will do to him, then again that is if he can survive what will come to him."

[leinton]

For my first book: "The Darkness always seemed to throb when Donovan was around this boy."

Second book: "Screams sounded in every direction through the city known as Liranonal."

For my one act: "I'm dead, you know."

[Mad_Scientist he/him]

Here's on of my oldest first lines: "It was certainly an odd experience to stare at one’s own liver, held in the hands of another." It's probably one of my favorites. Though I'm a better writer now and realize it's a bit unclear about what exactly the "another" is that is holding the liver. Another liver maybe?

[FeatherWriter she/her]

"It was an awfully long way to go for a bottle of perfume" is the first line for my latest story.

[The Frostbourne he/him]

"It's a terrible thing, to have the One you believe in die."

A religion based novel (series?), ispired a bit by Mistborn. A cruel world with many small deities who squabble and fight whenever the Big Guy in the Sky (BGitS) isn't looking. And sometimes, they die, leaving the ones under them to fend in the wilderness.

That just made things more confusing, didn't it? In any case, my other one is:

"Even the planet on which they lived had rejected them."

A novel (series?) with a sci-fi bent.

I don't claim to be an author, but I do get bits of inspiration now and again.

[Aeshdan he/him]

"Unfortunately, due to a case of mistaken identity, Hercule Poirot was being hunted by the Giant Killer Death Snake of Doom"

Top that!

[Thought]

I noticed that Chaos was asking for people to rate other people's first lines, but it doesn't seem like there's been much rating going on. Hopefully I won’t offend, but I thought I'd go ahead and take up the gauntlet. However, I suppose I should give my creds, first. Or, more exactly, establish that I have none. I'll try to be helpful, but I can't promise that anything I'll say will be valid. And certainly, it won’t be all praise and flowers. I'll put everything under spoiler tags, so you can easily ignore the claptrap I'm about to spout if you don't care what some random guy with no verifiable experience has to say about your preciouses.

First, Chaos

Tavaris prayed, but received a monkey.

As far as a hook goes, I think this does fairly well. However, my first reaction is to wonder how this is an either/or situation. Often, people treat prayer as a request for something. Since we aren't told what Tavaris was praying for, there is no basis for the "but." Couldn't Tavaris have been praying for a monkey? It's a hook, but one that you have to deliver on quickly. As a reason, I want to know why this is a "but" situation. If that isn't answered soon, I'd think that the writer was just being sloppy and it wasn't an intentional hook.

Next, FeatherWriter

My actual first line for one of my stories is: "Reene was dying."

Meh. The reader has no reason yet to care that Reene was dying. This also feels like the opening of a flashback: I'd expect what to follow would be an explanation of how Reene got to this state. Which, if that is the case, creates false tension: either you lied and Reene isn't actually dying, or you spoiled the ending of the story. Usually death is also emotional, but if you start talking about any of that, it is too early.

In short, I am afraid that this is the first line of the sort of story that OSC critiqued way back when: http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/lessons/1998-11-17.shtml

This isn't to say that that is the direction your story will take, but that is what your opening line makes me afraid of.

But I think I like my second chapter's first line better: "By the fourth day out of Jaiset, the curse reached its peak."

Better, but this sort of feels like a confirmation of my previous fear: that Reene is now remembering how he died, which is presumably related to the curse. Again, I am not saying that your story is this way, but this is just the fear that I have.

Also, if I might steal from Writing Excuses, I believe it is Howard that often recommends writers get in late and leave early. That is, the important thing should be just beginning (skip all the preamble) as the writing begins. Here, you have nowhere to go but down. The curse is the hook of this chapter, but it has peaked in the first sentence! If that is where the tension is, then the tension is decreasing throughout the rest of the chapter. If that isn't where the tension is, then it sort of feels like you gave the wrong hook.

Now it is time for Something from Silus

"The instructor across the desk from Stallix was staring at him."

...

"The instructor across the desk from Stallix was staring at him. He could tell exactly where her eyes wandered. The burnt wings, the horns, the odd patches of fur on his chest and arms. They attracted attention; and despite this being the fifth meeting they'd had together in three weeks, he was enough of an odd sight that she still couldn't stop staring. Stallix didn't care, he'd seen this and worse every day of his life that he could remember and probably before then. He just wanted it to be over."

The hook is in the name. You're combining the ordinary (instructor, desk, etc) with the extraordinary (the name Stallix). The better the name, the better the hook, then. Stallix is a fine name, but it is unusual enough that it lowers my expectations. That is, it doesn't sound like a real name, so there are no expectations that I as a reader can attempt to attach to it. Thus, all the name has going for it is that it is odd.

For the rest, you are doing what I like to call "the impossible thing before breakfast." Contrary to its use in Alice in Wonderland, what I mean here is that you are setting expectations high. There's what appears to be an imp sitting at a desk, all natural like. That means that I am now expecting other impossible things to be common place (something that you might easily come across before breakfast on an average day). That isn't a good or a bad thing, but it is a promise to your readers.

"Thick eyebrows furrowed over midnight blue eyes."

...

"Thick eyebrows furrowed over midnight blue eyes. Long, pale fingers darted like spiders over polished plastic keys with a rapid clicking. Small white type displayed the secrets of a powerful database, secrets rarely seen by those without the hidden knowledge this man possessed. These encrypted meanings flowed like water for him, and while he reveled in the power, it meant little, for the power came so easily to him."

Meh, I like your first line and paragraph better. There's no hook in the opening line, for me at least, and the following descriptions don't catch my eye, either. Actually, I'm not sure it is possible to write an exciting first paragraph that includes the word "database." Also, I'd argue that part of the problem is that "secret" is a boring descriptor. I think you're trying to make the reader interested in the "secret" secrets, but people are far more easily interested in interesting things, rather than secret things. Allow me to offer an example:

"I mix a secret ingredient into my lawn fertilizer, and it makes my lawn the greenest around."

v

"I mix babies/kumquats/telephones/detergent/flannel shirts into my lawn fertilizer, and it makes my lawn the greenest around."

I'd argue that the second item is more interesting because it gives specifics, which then gives the reader something to question. Why would someone put flannel into their fertilizer. Is this some weird serial killer who just targets hipsters? But "secret"? Bah, it gives me no foothold. It might actually be interesting, once you reveal it, but until you do, it is just a placeholder for something interesting.

Coltbug... Coltbug... Beuller-I-mean-Coltbug...

"A slight breeze rippled the loose drawn draperies in the high office deep in the Citadel of the Rock."

This sort of reminds me of a Robert Jordan opening: "a slight breeze rippled through the loosely drawn drapperies of the Citadel of the Rock. The breeze wasn't the beginning, there are no beginnings, or ends, to the turn of the wheel of time. But it was a beginning."

That said, the most interesting thing to me in this opening is that there are draperies in a citadel. I'm thinking: crusader-castle with flower-print curtains, maybe some doilies. In contrast, I don't care that the breeze was slight, that the curtains were loose, or, at least so far, that there was even a breeze. Unless that breeze is doing something important, I don't care about it. Breezes ripple through stuff all the time. Floral-patterned window-coverings, now that's interesting. I am interested in what you are selling and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

As a final note, "high office" and "deep within" seem like a strange pairing. But hey, I like Sanderson, and he has a character named Slowswift, so I can't complain.

"Father will never forgive me for what I will do to him, then again that is if he can survive what will come to him."

Alas, I don't yet care about the father, so I don't care what the narrator will do to him. And, actually, there's nothing there to make me care about the narrator, either. He/she is a little too nonchalant. The line could as easily take place in a manor house as a whorehouse, in a courthouse as a roadhouse. To steal from Writing Excuses again, it feels like all you have here is the mundane, and you need to mix something extraordinary in.

And now the Leinton season is upon us...

For my first book: "The Darkness always seemed to throb when Donovan was around this boy."

There are two characters, a man and a boy. Whenever the boy is around, the man experiences throbbing. That's a dangerous way to start a story, and I'd recommend against it.

Second book: "Screams sounded in every direction through the city known as Liranonal."

So... Justin Beiber concert in Liranonal?

What I mean by that remark is that your hook seems to be focused on there being screams. But without context, the screams are meaningless. Perhaps there's a series of murders, perhaps Justin Beiber just sang "Baby." The reader doesn't know.

For my one act: "I'm dead, you know."

I like it. It has a Charles Dickens feel to it ("Marely was dead, to begin with.") It establishes something mundane (someone telling you a random event of their life) with the extraordinary (the person is recounting that they're dead). It's short, it gets the point across, and it raises an immediate question: if you're dead, how are you telling us this?!

You all called me mad, but I'll show you! Or, at least, I'll talk about Mad Scientist

Here's on of my oldest first lines: "It was certainly an odd experience to stare at one’s own liver, held in the hands of another."

It works. I actually wasn't confused by the determiner: "another" is often paired with "one" (as in one another), so it made sense to connect another to a person, rather than to a liver. However, that said, the general tone seems... disinterested, whereas I think you were trying to go with calm. I think the problem is in how you couch the important information: it's in a clause, the language is clearly from the person experiencing the event but they've artificially distanced themself. If the narrator doesn't seem interested, the reader wont seem interested. But as I said, it works, I just think it could be better.

To return to FeatherWriter:

"It was an awfully long way to go for a bottle of perfume" is the first line for my latest story.

I like it, but I think it could be stronger. What is working is that, yes, people can imagine getting a bottle of perfume, and most people can imagine possibly traveling a long way for it. But the weakness is that it is all very ephemeral. What is "it"? I'd argue that you could put almost anything else in place of "it" and the sentence would be stronger for it. Consider:

"London was an awfully long way to go..."

"Chicago was an awfully long way to go..."

"Next door was an awfully long way to go..."

"Mordor was an awfully long way to go..."

The feel could also be enhanced by a descriptor or two of the perfume. It would help connect us to the real world. Presumably whoever traveled so far knows something about the perfume and there is some quality that sticks out in their mind.

As for Frostbourne

"It's a terrible thing, to have the One you believe in die."

Eeeeehhh. From what you said, the main hook is in that capital O. That is a very small place to hang your hook. I really like the concept behind it, but I'd suggest that opening lines are the place to be bold and brash. If "the One you believe in" is the narrator's god, tell us that. Gods are lovely creatures to have die.

"Even the planet on which they lived had rejected them."

"Like all Starfleet, you talk and you talk, but you have no guramba!" Or, in other words, cut the chatter. I think all you need to do in order to get this line to really pop is to cut the excess words. If I might? "Even the planet rejected them."

There is time to establish that the people live on planets later (if that is even necessary).

Consider Sanderson's first line from Mistborn: "Ash fell from the sky." Not, "Volcanoes erupted ash into the air, which then fell from the sky," not "Ash swirled and skittered as it fell from the sky," not "Ash katchum caught them all as he fell from the sky." No. It is just "Ash fell from the sky." Short, sweet, and to the point.

It's 2046, time for ReaderAt

"Unfortunately, due to a case of mistaken identity, Hercule Poirot was being hunted by the Giant Killer Death Snake of Doom"

Good, but it might be a little over the top. It really depends on what is to follow. It sounds like something that might be in the vein of the early Percy Jackson books. It's a good line for a book like that, but I'm not sure it is the right first line. I think for those kinds of books, you need a good charismatic narrator, so your first lines should establish that, and then move on to the impossible thing before breakfast.

Now, in case people are feeling a tad violent towards me, I figure I'd go ahead and offer up one of my first lines for public ridicule. I cut it a bit ago, but it is fairly representative. Feel free to take your revenge!

"There were no rites or forms that dictated what one was supposed to do at a god’s funeral, so Rikemar walked at the front of the procession."

[Aeshdan he/him]

Further lines:

1. What would you do if you found yourself in a bus, holding hands with a beautiful girl, and with no idea who you were or what you were doing there?

2. So there I was, sitting in a chair, about to change the world forever.

3. Java picked up his machete, slung on his back-basket, and walked into the chocolate forest.

Edited February 23, 2012 by ReaderAt2046

[Thought]

Well, since I haven't been lynched yet, I suppose I can/ought to continue?

ReaderAt2036 2: Reading With a Vengeance

1. What would you do if you found yourself in a bus, holding hands with a beautiful girl, and with no idea who you were or what you were doing there?

I'm not particularly fond of rhetorical questions in books, let alone at the start of books, let alone as part of the hook, let alone the first line. Presumably this is a way to establish that the narrator awoke on a bus with amnesia and a girlfriend. Why ask the reader what they would do? They can't tell you, and that question won’t have any effect on the rest of the tale.

Simply switching the sentence from a question to a statement makes it far more powerful and interesting. Instead of the bus, girl, and amnesia being an abstract proposition, they become the reality.

As for the content of the line itself, I'd recommend you take a look at Rick Riordan's "The Lost Hero." Your line summarizes how that book starts off, so you can look at it to see how someone else might progress from there.

2. So there I was, sitting in a chair, about to change the world forever.

"So there I was, sitting in a chair, about to put a book down forever."

Give the reader something to sink his or her teeth into. All we know about the world is that there is a chair. I like chairs, don't get me wrong, but I'm not really interested in reading a book about them. And for the rest? Bah, we don't care about how the world is now, so why would we care about it being changed? Essentially, it seems like you are starting with the end of the book.

3. Java picked up his machete, slung on his back-basket, and walked into the chocolate forest.

A curious start to what appears to be a violent picture book. I could see a market for that. But if you are aiming for a different audience, I think you have to justify it to the reader in the next sentence or two. I doubt most YA's are going to give that opening more than 15 seconds before they put it down out of fear of ridicule. As for adults, well, that sounds like a kid’s book, so I might look for the next Sanderson novel instead.

[Aeshdan he/him]

Well, since I haven't been lynched yet, I suppose I can/ought to continue?

ReaderAt2036 2: Reading With a Vengeance

I'm not particularly fond of rhetorical questions in books, let alone at the start of books, let alone as part of the hook, let alone the first line. Presumably this is a way to establish that the narrator awoke on a bus with amnesia and a girlfriend. Why ask the reader what they would do? They can't tell you, and that question won’t have any effect on the rest of the tale.

Simply switching the sentence from a question to a statement makes it far more powerful and interesting. Instead of the bus, girl, and amnesia being an abstract proposition, they become the reality.

As for the content of the line itself, I'd recommend you take a look at Rick Riordan's "The Lost Hero." Your line summarizes how that book starts off, so you can look at it to see how someone else might progress from there.

"So there I was, sitting in a chair, about to put a book down forever."

Give the reader something to sink his or her teeth into. All we know about the world is that there is a chair. I like chairs, don't get me wrong, but I'm not really interested in reading a book about them. And for the rest? Bah, we don't care about how the world is now, so why would we care about it being changed? Essentially, it seems like you are starting with the end of the book.

A curious start to what appears to be a violent picture book. I could see a market for that. But if you are aiming for a different audience, I think you have to justify it to the reader in the next sentence or two. I doubt most YA's are going to give that opening more than 15 seconds before they put it down out of fear of ridicule. As for adults, well, that sounds like a kid’s book, so I might look for the next Sanderson novel instead.

1. I was inspired by TLH. +1 for being a Riordan fan!

[Aeshdan he/him]

This one is actually my sister's:

The first line: "The crab ate some bacon."

the first paragraph:The crab ate some bacon. “Bacon is good.” it thought. The roger roger pounced on the crab and threw it back into the ocean. “This is not good.” It thought. Since this is not a story about a crab, we shall speak no more of him.

This one is mine: "It all began with a postal error. As to how it ends, that will have to wait."

Appreciate any Thoughtful comments!

[Moru she/her]

Hmm. My first line from Archer To Ziggurat was kind of boring I think. I'm currently working on a rewrite of most of it though. :3

"Destination reached, Loire System. Local time: 08:04," a slightly female voice rang out against hard steel, echoing slightly. The smile on Reid's face seemed to grow as he heard the beacon.

[Aeshdan he/him]

"I have never yet been able to determine why it was that Destiny chose the public swimming pool, of all places, to give me my true life. "

[Thought]

ReaderAtSister's

The first line: "The crab ate some bacon."

the first paragraph:The crab ate some bacon. “Bacon is good.” it thought. The roger roger pounced on the crab and threw it back into the ocean. “This is not good.” It thought. Since this is not a story about a crab, we shall speak no more of him.

If it wasn't for that last line, I'd generally really like this opening. I might replace "some bacon" with something more definitive, like "a strip of beacon," "a side of bacon," or "a gingerbread house made entirely of bacon," but that is mostly just getting things done in the revision process, tightening it up. A crab eating bacon is an unusual image, so it draws us in. Its thoughts are decent: we might not think that a crab can think, but if it could, these feel like crab-y thoughts. The "roger roger" is a bit weird (what is a roger roger?), but hopefully that is something to be explained soon.

However, if the crab has no purpose in the story, then its perspective is a trick. Mistborn starts off with the perspective of a minor villain. It serves to introduce us to the nobility and the world. But the crab's perspective seems to serve only to give us an interesting first few lines, so when the perspective (presumably) switches, it feels like a cheat.

This one is mine: "It all began with a postal error. As to how it ends, that will have to wait."

Good opening, but I'm not a fan of the follow-through. The end will of course come at the end: is there a need to mention it?

The postal error is a good place to start because it combines the mundane with the, well, somewhat unusual. I think most people are familiar with postal errors, but not at the start of something worthy enough to tell a story about.

Moru's:

Hmm. My first line from Archer To Ziggurat was kind of boring I think. I'm currently working on a rewrite of most of it though. :3

"Destination reached, Loire System. Local time: 08:04," a slightly female voice rang out against hard steel, echoing slightly. The smile on Reid's face seemed to grow as he heard the beacon.

I agree with your assessment. It isn't a bad line, just not much of an opener. There's nothing there to catch the reader's eye. The closest we have is "Loire System," which tells us that this is sci-fi-ish. But what would make this story more interesting to a reader than any other sci-fi story?

Further, the lines are full of vagueness. We have a "slightly" female voice echoing "slightly," and a smile that "seems" to grow. Be bold! If the voice is asexual, either say nothing, or say that it is asexual. "Slightly female" is a mostly meaningless phrase, for voices. If the character's smile is growing, tell us (unless, of course, our POV is someone else who isn't sure, but you seem to be giving a 3rd person omniscient POV).

Reader

"I have never yet been able to determine why it was that Destiny chose the public swimming pool, of all places, to give me my true life. "

Meh... I like Destiny at the swimming pool, but "give me my true life" is too vague and yet too much too soon. What did destiny do? Also, get rid of "yet." It feels like waffling.

Edited February 27, 2012 by Thought

[Aeshdan he/him]

Postal Error: He was accidentally shipped a vial of a lerasium-like substance.

Swimming Pool: "True life" refers to a Elantrian(Non-Reod)esque life.

[Shardholder of Craft]

Here is my first line - please rate it!

In the distance, one could see the shadowy Nightveil, though in the heavily falling snow it was barely indistinguishable from the general landscape.

And my first paragraph -

In the distance, one could see the shadowy Nightveil, though in the heavily falling snow it was barely indistinguishable from the general landscape. It's presence brought nothing but more desperation to the woman, who was afraid, not for herself but for her unborn son. "Of all the places to give birth in" said the irritated woman to herself, running for her life "it HAD to be during a battle... and in the snow."

[Thought]

At your command, Shardhold of Replies!

In the distance, one could see the shadowy Nightveil, though in the heavily falling snow it was barely indistinguishable from the general landscape.

Generally good, but I'd recommend being more specific. Presumably, someone is seeing the shadowy Nightveil. Tell us who. Also, the subordinate clause seems a little weak. Its a good image, but I think you can tweak it to make the visualization pop. I do like the name "nightveil," though in all fairness, I like those kinds of names in general. That said, it gives things a nice, 3rd person limited feel. Whoever is looking probably knows what the nightveil is, so they aren't wasting time thinking about it.

In the distance, one could see the shadowy Nightveil, though in the heavily falling snow it was barely indistinguishable from the general landscape. It's presence brought nothing but more desperation to the woman, who was afraid, not for herself but for her unborn son. "Of all the places to give birth in" said the irritated woman to herself, running for her life "it HAD to be during a battle... and in the snow."

"Afraid," "desperation," "irritated." One of these words doesn't belong with the others.

I love passive voice, honestly I do, but I'd recommend keeping that for later in the story. In the first paragraph, there needs to be action, and it needs to be immediate. Instead of "It's presence brought...," try something along the lines of "The woman despaired at the sight." Also, if she is afraid for her unborn child, then presumably, there is reason for her to be afraid for herself as well. Removing that fear undermines the fear of the situation. The battle bit is interesting, but if there's a-fighting that's being a-doing, maybe start with that, rather than seeing something. Its a little more actiony and, in all honesty, the woman is probably more focused on that than on looking in the barely visible distance.

[Odium's_Shard]

If you're getting in the habit, Thought, I thought I'd thread you my first line to Book 1: The Lux Chronicles: Pinnacle of Dawn.

'The sun peaked the horizon, the new day beginning in a ritual of fire.'

The context:

' The sun peaked the horizon, the new day beginning in a ritual of fire. Orange streamers shot off in hundreds of directions with a single, mandarin stroke, as Set leant again the railings guarding the cliff’s hazard, watching. Flaking white paint mixed with the minute holes of the rotworms along the surface of the ancient beam, and its ability to shield the villagers against the drop had long since passed its zenith, but Set wasn’t concerned.'

[Aeshdan he/him]

If you're getting in the habit, Thought, I thought I'd thread you my first line to Book 1: The Lux Chronicles: Pinnacle of Dawn.

'The sun peaked the horizon, the new day beginning in a ritual of fire.'

The context:

' The sun peaked the horizon, the new day beginning in a ritual of fire. Orange streamers shot off in hundreds of directions with a single, mandarin stroke, as Set leant again the railings guarding the cliff’s hazard, watching. Flaking white paint mixed with the minute holes of the rotworms along the surface of the ancient beam, and its ability to shield the villagers against the drop had long since passed its zenith, but Set wasn’t concerned.'

Interestingly, the two views have very differnt connotations. The first line, on it's own, suggests sun worship, perhaps in the Buhddist or Chinese style. The first paragraph gives more of a sci-fi connotation, though i hope we find out what is going on soon.

[Odium's_Shard]

This version was what I call my 'weak' draft. Basically I write my way through the scene by force, look at it, laugh, revise, and then rewrite the entire scene using what I learnt in revision.

But soon after, following several unnecessary and rambling descriptions about the world, and a short sequence of events simply to encapsulate the boring historical drool, I forced the character to jump off the cliff in disgust. He didn't really grow at all, there was no progression, really, in the story, it was just a 'filler' chapter, and I hate those.

Revised chapter is far better.

[Shivertongue he/him]

I missed this thread, like I have so many others. May as well throw mine in.

From Wavepainter;

"It was the third death threat that week."

-I don't know if I'm sticking with this line, though, as it leads into a conversation that, while I love it, is a little too long and doesn't get to the story quickly enough.

From Project: Goldmine (working title);

"Despite his many years, Ankar could safely say this was the first time he'd ever seen a rock bleed."

From Shifting Earth (working title);

"Kessa has lost track of the number of times she'd bedded down in a forest and woken up on an island."

From Essence (working title);

"The air was shaking."

- This is not the first line I intend to use. I just haven't thought of a better one yet.

I have others, but those are the four stories I've been focusing on most lately.

[Thought]

I'd "hate" to ignore such a request, Odium!

'The sun peaked the horizon, the new day beginning in a ritual of fire.'

I think I understand what is going on, and the sentence feels nicely poetic. However, as I think Moshe said to Sanderson, "you can't be Gene Wolf for one sentence." The sentence confuses me grammatically, and I think some of that might be due to its poetic-ness.

I think I know what you are getting at (the sun rose above the high point of the horizon), but grammatically, I don't think it works. It sounds nice, but you seem to be using an intransitive verb as a transitive, and you seem to be changing an ablative of place to a direct object. It blows my mind.

' The sun peaked the horizon, the new day beginning in a ritual of fire. Orange streamers shot off in hundreds of directions with a single, mandarin stroke, as Set leant again the railings guarding the cliff’s hazard, watching. Flaking white paint mixed with the minute holes of the rotworms along the surface of the ancient beam, and its ability to shield the villagers against the drop had long since passed its zenith, but Set wasn’t concerned.'

Again, the poetics are very nice, but I think they are getting in the way. The phrase "single, mandarin stroke" is an example of this. If the orange streamers are shooting off in hundred of directions, what does it mean to have a single stroke? That seems to be an impossible image. Perhaps you are using stroke like one might use penmanship? As in, all the streamers have the same artistic flair to them. But if that is the case, then the "mandarin" aspect can't be a color but rather a style (specifically, a bureaucratic style). But what sort of stroke is that? Are you trying to convey a sense of the brush stroke that a mandarin might use in writing a Chinese character?

It has a very nice poetic ring to it, but I can't make out a clear meaning.

And now, shiver me timbers, it is time for a reply to Shiver-me-tongue! yahar!

From Wavepainter;

"It was the third death threat that week."

-I don't know if I'm sticking with this line, though, as it leads into a conversation that, while I love it, is a little too long and doesn't get to the story quickly enough.

I don't get that from this sentence, so perhaps just change what follows? As an opening line, it is solid. Perhaps a little overused (but I'm very uncertain on this: that is just a gut reaction, I can't think of a single example to back me up). Although, I do keep reading "it was the third death that week," instead. "Threat" seems to be slightly invisible to me. I like the title, by the way. Brings up images of a sort of relaxing world/tale.

From Project: Goldmine (working title);

"Despite his many years, Ankar could safely say this was the first time he'd ever seen a rock bleed."

This line seems to promise that what will follow will be a conversational, slightly under-exaggerated narrative. The bleeding rock is an extraordinary element that hooks our interest, but you are combining it with what seems to be an extraordinary understatement: in our world, we can safely say that rocks don't bleed. That is a matter of fact, not experience. By bringing experience into this, you are turning the ordinary element into something that implies extraordinary things. It works, don't get me wrong: I'm just trying to describe the expectations it creates in me.

One possible problem, though: When I saw "Ankar," I immediately thought of Angkor, as in Angkor Wat.

From Shifting Earth (working title);

"Kessa has lost track of the number of times she'd bedded down in a forest and woken up on an island."

Kind of reminds me of C.S. Lewis' Perelandra. Anywho, at its heart, the effect of this sentence is similar to the above. There's the extraordinary element (forests become islands) mixed with a sort of mundane-ifying aspect (that this happens regularly). I like it as an opening, but if you are going for a sense of wonder, I think this undermines that.

From Essence (working title);

"The air was shaking."

- This is not the first line I intend to use. I just haven't thought of a better one yet.

Probably a good thing. Without context, I'm having a hard time figuring out what shaking air would be like. But, since I am fairly sure that air can shake (such as the air inside a box that is being shaken), it doesn't seem to have an extraordinary element to serve as a hook.

Anywho, I hope this was somewhat useful.