First Lines

[Lightflame]

Here, I have a new one.

After Ewarn left the village and became the chosen one, duties on the farm took a lot more work.

[Observer]

Eh, doesn't quite ring well with me. Maybe it's the simultaneous mentions of both a prophecy and a farm, but something about that line just doesn't appeal :/

[Thought]

I'm with Observer on this. I think if you just took out "and became the chosen one," it would work far better. Whatever it means to be the chosen one, it feels like that is something that needs to be set up before being introduced.

As for one of my own, here's the first line from my NaNoWriMo project:

I was already late when I saw George Washington in the subway station, powdered wig and all.

Edited December 17, 2012 by Thought

[Observer]

Oh dear. It's a nice hook, and it functions well as one, though I'm not altogether sure if I like the sentence itself. Mentioning the wig seems to undermine the random feeling, but now that I think of it there really aren't many other ways to end an opening like that.

That's me. King of useless advice.

[Thought]

Actually, I found your comments quite useful! Thank you very much.

I do want the random feeling to be undermined (personally, I dislike opening lines that feel random, even if they are actually random). Indeed, most of the rest of the paragraph works to try to undermine the randomness and oddity of that line. So, I can take away from your comments that I was at least partially successful in that goal.

The fact that you're not sure if you like the sentence itself is also useful. I have a tendency to write in a very byzantine style (as evident by my use of words like "byzantine"). I can take away from this, then, that the sentence needs some tinkering to untwist its crooked paths, as it were.

Anywho, thanks again.

[Observer]

It was a terrible time to be traveling. The sun was eleven long hours away from its Zenith, and until then not even family could be trusted.

[Lightflame]

Here's one that I used in the first interlude chapter of my Warrior Cats fanfic, Golden Dawn: Lost Sunrise.

Things had a habit of dying around Hazelfrost.

[Observer]

Not a bad attention-grabber, all things considered.

Zack scuttled across the connections like a spider, quickly locating the USB drive he was searching for and removing all information from it. Rather amusing that they call it the web... he thought, quickly pulling back and placing the information on his laptop.

Edited January 2, 2013 by Observer

[Thought]

It was a terrible time to be traveling. The sun was eleven long hours away from its Zenith, and until then not even family could be trusted.

I quite like the second sentence, it's quiet evocative, and I love the idea of trust being related to the sun's position. However, I am not sure the first sentence is needed. I think you are conveying that someone is traveling, thus the following line of description, but as it is actually formulated, it seems abstract. If even family can't be trusted, then not only is it a terrible time to be traveling, it is also a terrible time to go on a date, do your taxes, play a round of golf, etc. I just don't think that first sentence is pulling its weight, and suspect everything that follows the second sentence will make it redundant.

Things had a habit of dying around Hazelfrost.

I like it, but it feels familiar. Not that I've read it before, mind you, just... familiar. Sorry, not really sure how to put it. It reminds me of the opening line from A Christmas Carol ("Marley was dead: to begin with"), so, yeah.

Zack scuttled across the connections like a spider, quickly locating the USB drive he was searching for and removing all information from it. Rather amusing that they call it the web... he thought, quickly pulling back and placing the information on his laptop.

I have a feeling there is more going on here than meets the eye (sort of like Howard Taylor's Sci-Fi story opening in which the main character is feeling wind against his skin, and we only later find out that his "skin" is really a ship). Not bad, probably enough to get me to read more.

[Shivertongue]

Here, I have a new one.

After Ewarn left the village and became the chosen one, duties on the farm took a lot more work.

Eh, doesn't quite ring well with me. Maybe it's the simultaneous mentions of both a prophecy and a farm, but something about that line just doesn't appeal :/

I'm with Observer on this. I think if you just took out "and became the chosen one," it would work far better. Whatever it means to be the chosen one, it feels like that is something that needs to be set up before being introduced.As for one of my own, here's the first line from my NaNoWriMo project:

I have to very strongly disagree with both of you on this. While the exact wording is a little clunky, and could use some polish (try, "After Ewarn left the village to become the Chosen One, duties on the farm took a lot more work," or "Work on the farm became a lot more difficult after Ewarn left the village to become the Chosen One." ) the idea itself is one I found very compelling. We have no need for what being 'The Chosen One' entails, because it's twisting an already existing trope. Everyone knows what the idea of 'The Chosen One' is, and while the reader might not know what it means in this context, that context can later be established through the progression of the story.

What I like about this line is that, from the first, it's subverting an incredibly common trope; farmboy leaves his village to save the world. The subversion, though, is that said farmboy is not the viewpoint we're given. Instead, we get his little brother, or his father, or someone else from the same household, who's concerns are the farm. Ewarn's gone, and yes, while it's great he's going to save the world or whatever, it means the rest of us have to pick up the slack created by his absence. While I'm not sure if it would work for a novel (maybe a novella), in my head it's giving me what feels like a wonderful short story concept, exploring the life of those left behind when the hero leaves to fulfill his destiny.

And if that's not what Lightflame was writing, I'm taking that idea and writing it myself. :P/>

And so I can contribute, here's the first line from my NaNo, 'I Used To Rule The World':

Bhua’s feet were throbbing by the time he reached the top of the stairs, his heart hammering a thousand protests inside his chest. His body ached for a rest, however brief, but he could not allow himself to stop, or even to slow. Not for an instant.

Okay, yeah, that's three lines...

[Master_Moridin]

First line from one of my projects: "All he could do was watch as Kevek ran his sword through her."

[Observer]

I have to very strongly disagree with both of you on this.

I concede to your argument in that context. Showing the aftermath of the 'Chosen One' leaving would be interesting. I was taking it more as yet another typical story with a clunky-ish first line. But enough babbling, I agree.

And so I can contribute, here's the first line from my NaNo, 'I Used To Rule The World':

Bhua’s feet were throbbing by the time he reached the top of the stairs, his heart hammering a thousand protests inside his chest. His body ached for a rest, however brief, but he could not allow himself to stop, or even to slow. Not for an instant.

Okay, yeah, that's three lines...

Don't worry Shiv, we all love posting multiple lines, or at least I do. Helps the context a little I think.

I like it, though I don't love it. Good hook, bringing you into the 'action' and making you wonder why Bhua (I keep thinking of Bhupu when I read that) is climbing stairs and can't stop. I can't think of a definitive reason NOT to like it, yet for some reason some small thing about it nags at me a little. Not enough to undermine it, but enough to make a tiny difference.

"All he could do was watch as Kevek ran his sword through her."

I like opening deaths, though they are a bit overused. The use of 'he' simultaneously leaves you wondering who this person is and kind of alienates you from the situation since you don't have a main character to associate with.

Edited January 5, 2013 by Observer

[Lady_Yasha]

Vaul closed the book he'd been reading and rubbed the tiredness out of his eyes.

Another NaNo novella. The prologue's opening sucked so I posted the first chapter's.

[Observer]

Sorry Lyre, but as continueable as that is it isn't very gripping. TBH it feels a bit mundane, though that could easily be a strong point as it's relateable and maybe leaves you anticipating some future action. Meh, just my irritated opinion at 10 PM, so ignore me :/

[Lady_Yasha]

Sorry Lyre, but as continueable as that is it isn't very gripping. TBH it feels a bit mundane, though that could easily be a strong point as it's relateable and maybe leaves you anticipating some future action. Meh, just my irritated opinion at 10 PM, so ignore me :/

I wasn't looking for ground-shaking or engaging. As far as first lines go I treat them as I do any other line in a book. I mention what the book is later and it becomes important even later. Vaul's a scholar, so it's meant to show you he has an interest in books, nothing more.

[Observer]

Not much I can say to that...

There was once a time when wars were fought with armies. Legions of soldiers killing one another in a messy display of brutality. How that managed to slide through during the historical blank page was anybody's guess.

[Thought]

The subversion, though, is that said farmboy is not the viewpoint we're given.

If that's the case, then I agree with you. I thought that the farmboy/chosen one was the viewpoint. Thus, him being the chosen one would have been more central, and the work on the farm probably being more of an amusing aside (a chosen hero riding between the People's Palace and his little plot of land to weed is a fun bit of color, but still only color). However, if he isn't the viewpoint, then you are quite right. I'd still have a problem with it not being clear, but I definitely like it far more looking at it your way.

Bhua’s feet were throbbing by the time he reached the top of the stairs, his heart hammering a thousand protests inside his chest. His body ached for a rest, however brief, but he could not allow himself to stop, or even to slow. Not for an instant.

Works well enough. Doesn't, you know, reach out and abduct me, but I like the movement of it.

All he could do was watch as Kevek ran his sword through her.

Too passive for me. I'm assuming that "he" is the main character, but from the very first line we have him being nothing but an inanimate object. Perhaps make it clear that he is watching, that he can't physically do anything, but have his mind, his outrage, be very active instead.

Vaul closed the book he'd been reading and rubbed the tiredness out of his eyes.

I like the underlying gist of it, though not the exact implementation. I think "he'd been reading" could be assumed. The rubbing his eyes is a little too... mundane. Anyone, not just scholars, might do that after they've been reading for a while. Maybe instead he's been taking notes, so he rubs the sour muscles in his hand, or wipes off the ink that's darkened them, etc. Something a little more unique, I guess. But again, I like the basics of what's going on.

[Observer]

The clock struck three and everything fell silent

[Lightflame]

@Shivertongue: That's exactly the idea actually, and thank you for your comments. It was just an amusing idea I had, although I've found a way to work it into a story.

@Observer's latest one: I'm not sure here. It's a bit mundane, just being about a clock, so it didn't really draw me in.

Oh, and here's one for a Mistborn fanfic that's been floating around in my head. (The prologue would be about Lord Thermos Tresting, son of Lord Themos Tresting.)

Lord Thermos Tresting had been dreading this moment.

[Observer]

Huh, not a bad opening all things considered.

The world ended on a day like any other.

[Phantom Monstrosity]

"The incomparable beam of radiant searing incandescence burnt through the failing shields, flaring them into the far ultraviolet and microwave spectrums before they ruptured entirely."

The main character is reading an ersatz-Lensmen in class. I decided to start every chapter with something overdramatic.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Phantom Monstrosity

[Branf]

Ok my first ever first line. Actually that's a lie, I wrote a terrible first chapter to a novel when I was about 13, but this is the first serious attempt, so please be gentle.

Deved knew that a beating was coming.

[Observer]

"The incomparable beam of radiant searing incandescence burnt through the failing shields, flaring them into the far ultraviolet and microwave spectrums before they ruptured entirely."

As delightfully well desribed as it is, it feels a tad overdone. I can see if pulling some people in, but a bit of toning down could possibly be in order.

Deved knew that a beating was coming.

A brief and grabby opening I suppose. How much I like it depends entirely on what follows afterwards, but it'll keep me at least until the next line.

And a segment of the opening epigraph, which probably counts as a first line.

The room was blanketed in shadows, obscuring the face of the thing within. As always its face was hidden, a realization that was always just out of reach.

Edited January 16, 2013 by Observer

[Phantom Monstrosity]

As delightfully well desribed as it is, it feels a tad overdone. I can see if pulling some people in, but a bit of toning down could possibly be in order.

It's a pastiche of E.E. 'Doc' Smith (specifically, Gray Lensman). I'm worried that it isn't overdone enough.

At Kinnison's word of command eight of those indescribable primary beams lashed out; stilettoes of irresistibly pentrant energy which not even a Q-type helix could withstand. Through screens' date=' through wall-shields, and through metal they hurtled in a space of time almost too brief to be measured. [/quote']

[cleric]

August sat in a metal cage with his hands tied behind his back. He smiled as the sun rose in front of him illuminating what he considered, was going to be a beautiful day in the wasteland.

The first line that popped into my head while working on my latest project. It pretty much hit the setting and character voice all in one go and when I thought of it I knew where the book started.