BAD JOKES UNITED!!!

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

8 hours ago, ThirdGen said:

Some jokes from the comedy contest at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

but...some of those are good jokes.... I was hoping they were bad... so I could call it...

The Edinburgh Cringe Festival

[Sunbird she/her]

I just suggested a name for a fictional seafood restaurant: Carp-e Diem. XD

[Jondesu he/him]

On 8/26/2016 at 2:09 PM, Sunbird said:

I just suggested a name for a fictional seafood restaurant: Carp-e Diem. XD

Better than the real one around here: Something Fishy.

I can't imagine eating at a place like that, I'd be super suspicious the whole time.

jW

[Sunbird she/her]

Just found this gem in my textbook: "In a literal sense, astronomy is a universal subject." XD

Also I want this to be a real headline:

Edited August 31, 2016 by Sunbird

[ShadowLord_Lith he/him]

 I have a brother, adoption style, he's an orphan of sorts and he loves batman. He made a joke earlier; "I'm an orphan man, if I were a millionaire I'd become batman, but I'm not a millionaire, I'm middle-class! Im middle-class man! That means... I'm gonna become ROBIN?!? Robin?!? I'm cursed to wear tights the rest of my days!" *breaks down sobbing*

Also this: Apps in the Wild West Studio C

look it up.

Edited September 22, 2016 by ShadowLord_Lith

[Assassin in Burgundy he/him]

Why do valley girls only use odd numbers?

Because they can't even. 

[Silverblade5 he/him]

"I think she's Chinese."

"Why? Because she looks Asian?"

"No, because she looks manufactured."

[The Honor Spren she/her]

Chuck Norris climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes -- 14 of which he was building a snowman.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges off of apple trees and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.

Chuck Norris actually died 2 years ago, but the Grim Reaper was too scared to tell him.

My brother told me a bunch of those tonight, I'll spare you the rest.

[Steelborn he/him]

What did the fisher man say to the card magician?   

Pick a cod any cod

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

Why are Lada's so bad? Because the keep Stalin.

 

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

[Jondesu he/him]

[Steelborn he/him]

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

On 07/10/2016 at 1:58 AM, Steelborn said:

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

*sighs* If your gonna copy and past, at least hide it by removing format. Don't ask me how I know that.

[marsoupial they/them]

Okay, so this joke may offend Abrahamic religions and bears (or Abrahamic Bears; looking at you @Darkness Ascendant), but it's all in good fun.  You have been warned. 

Spoiler

So, a Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew go out into the woods to try to prove that they are better than the others. They agree that they have 24 hours to convert a bear (a grizzly bear, not a burly gay man) to their religions. So they head out. 

24 hours later, they meet back at the camp, and they present their bears.

The Christian has a bear wearing a crucifix around its neck, and the Christian snaps his fingers, and the bear starts shaking hands with people and reciting its favorite bible verses. 

The Muslim's bear already has grown out a full beard, and is studying the Quran, planning its Hajj. 

The Jew is there, in a full body cast, with no bear. 

"Hey, what gives? Why no bear?" the others ask. 

"On second thought," the Jew says, "I probably shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

 

Edited October 8, 2016 by bleeder

[Assassin in Burgundy he/him]

Apologies if this is offensive at all. 

Why do valley girls only use odd numbers? Because they can't even.

 

[Djarskublar he/him]

When someone tells you they are bored, say 'hi board, I'm nail!' and then poke them. Great laughs ensue.

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

10 hours ago, bleeder said:

or Abrahamic Bears; looking at you @Darkness Ascendant

I....don't understand.