BAD JOKES UNITED!!!

[Sunbird she/her]

True story: I put a note in my university's suggestion box that said, "My suggestion is to rename the suggestion box to the Johann Suggestion Bachs because the world needs more music puns."

For programmers: 99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code! Break it down, fix it around... 117 bugs in the code!

[Delightful]

On 12 August 2016 at 7:52 AM, Renoux said:

Ok, so what do you call a criminal in an elevator?

  Hide contents

Con-descending

 So bad it's good

 

I see your joke and I raise you this: 

 

What do you call a snarky criminal in an elevator?

a condescending con descending

[ThirdGen]

3 hours ago, Delightful said:

 

I see your joke and I raise you this: 

 

What do you call a snarky criminal in an elevator?

 

  Hide contents

a condescending con descending

 

What do you call a dwarf prisoner heading down the stairs to get snake antivenom?

A little bit condescending.

[Renoux she/her]

3 hours ago, ThirdGen said:

What do you call a dwarf prisoner heading down the stairs to get snake antivenom?

 

  Reveal hidden contents

A little bit condescending.

 

...?

 

Two cannibals were eating some clowns, and one cannibal said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Edited August 13, 2016 by Renoux

[Assassin in Burgundy he/him]

22 hours ago, The Honor Spren said:

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

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But John came fifth and received a toaster oven.

 

If I come sixth, do I get a vacuum?

[Renoux she/her]

Person 1: "Did you hear about the newspaper story about the man who went to bed with a corduroy blanket?"

Person 2: "No, I haven't"

Person 1: "Really? It's making headlines!"

 

This one is slightly vague. We'll see if anyone gets it.

[Assassin in Burgundy he/him]

What does a cyborg composer say?

I'll be Bach. 

[Assassin in Teal]

what dow you call a cow surrounded by velociraptors?

    Dead meat 

 

[Assassin in Teal]

[thegatorgirl00 she/her]

Where do you bury a dead rodent? 

Spoiler

A mouse-oleum

 

[Silverblade5 he/him]

Not really a joke but....

https://www.destroyallsoftware.com/talks/wat

[KnightRadiant she/her]

What are three keys that never open doors? Donkeys, monkeys, and turkeys.

What do you call a cat and a parrot? A carrot.

What do you get if you combine an alligator and a snowman? Frostbite.

 

[Sunbird she/her]

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

*cue groans from everyone*

[Delightful]

8 hours ago, Assassin in Burgundy said:

What does a cyborg composer say?

I'll be Bach. 

*when leaving the room*

"I'll be Bach. You can be Mozart"

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

AAHAAA, AND HITHERTO, THE BAD JOKES HATH RETURNED!!!!

I always believed.

4 hours ago, Sunbird said:

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

*cue groans from everyone*

woah, woah,woah. Reused jokes are no-go jokes, everyone knows recycling accelerates global warming, next time, make sure noone else has said the joke before. And typing up "bad jokes" in google won't help you(like it helps me XD), take it from a professional. I bet the polar bears hates you and the scientists love you.

And to add to the thread, last friday my rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

This one took me a while to understand 

In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers.

 

[Sunbird she/her]

@Darkness Ascendant This thread has been dead for so long I think I can be forgiven for not remembering every single joke that was posted before the hiatus.

What do you do with a sick chemist?

A: If you can't curium and you can't helium, you'd better barium.

[Renoux she/her]

3 minutes ago, Sunbird said:

@Darkness Ascendant This thread has been dead for so long I think I can be forgiven for not remembering every single joke that was posted before the hiatus.

Well, the joke in question was right at the end of pg. 2 of this thread, which was a while ago, however, the first time that joke was posted, it was posted by Darkness Ascendant, so you can see why he would maybe be more inclined to remember it being posted before.

[Elenion he/him]

On 8/14/2016 at 11:01 AM, Sunbird said:

@Darkness Ascendant This thread has been dead for so long I think I can be forgiven for not remembering every single joke that was posted before the hiatus.

What do you do with a sick chemist?

A: If you can't curium and you can't helium, you'd better barium.

But after you Barium, then they Argon!

[ThirdGen]

3 hours ago, Elenion said:

But after you Barium, then they Argon!

Cadmium gonna warn people about your humor until Iridium for ya.

[Silverblade5 he/him]

I've found the best pickup line to be y=0

[KnightRadiant she/her]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Spoiler

Ground beef!

 

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Spoiler

Whenever he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach, Bach, Bach!".

 

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Spoiler

Pick a cod, any cod!

 

What's the internet's favorite animal?

Spoiler

The lynx.

 

Why was the rubberband pistol confiscated from algebra class?

Spoiler

It was a weapon of math destruction.

 

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

I just thought of this in the shower.

What would you call Randy Orton if he wasn't a wrestler

And Archaeologist 

[Delightful]

On 17 August 2016 at 1:57 AM, KnightRadiant said:

What do you call a cow with no legs?

  Hide contents

Ground beef!

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Whenever he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach, Bach, Bach!".

 

 

 

  Hide contents

 

 

What do you call a cow with two legs?

lean beef!

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

Some of these are good bad jokes, the others, oh god, I think you all might actually be trying.

Jacks Films always said that randomness isn't humour.

But screw that

Rutabaga

[Doc12]

On Sunday, August 14, 2016 at 0:15 PM, Sunbird said:

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

*cue groans from everyone*

Oh. Storms.  

I was puzzling  over this until my sister walked past and read it aloud.  We both groaned. Ugh. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Now let me try to make you guys groan! 

A blind man walks into a bar

Spoiler

And a table. 

And a chair 

 

Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.

Spoiler

Badum - tshhh

 

Edited August 20, 2016 by Doctor12