ginger_reckoning Posted August 13 Report Share Posted August 13 Hey everyone! Glad to be back, long time no see. This is a short story that is very heavily inspired by "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas" by Ursula K. Leguin. This is going to be going into a zine published by a friend of mine, which does not have a lot of page space, so my main concern here is to try to cut down the word count (perhaps even considerably!) and to really make the story pop. Nitpicking is encouraged! Thank you all so much! Tags for language and mild violence 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon he/him Posted August 13 Report Share Posted August 13 I didn't read the description before reading the sub, so I figured out on my own what this story was in response to. I think make an interesting point on its own, and is snappy enough to go in the zine. To the nitpicky point: I mentioned this below while reading, but I'm wondering what the response would be to this when the original was a thought experiment, a parable, and a warning all rolled into one. It's hard for me to have sympathy for the two characters at the end since we've already sort of fallen into the Omelas trap in our society (at least in the US). Children are ignored, abused, and mistreated so that others can live privileged lives. Anyway, sort of an interesting question and certainly worthy of more thought, so maybe that's the point of the story! Notes while reading: pg 2: ok, getting an idea for what this story is a response to... Pg 4: I wonder if there's too much description here for anyone familiar with the original story. I'm hoping for what the next step is and how this story is different. pg 10: I'm wondering at making a story out of a parable, when the original wasn't really concerned with the story itself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted August 19 Report Share Posted August 19 Good to see you back! Overall: Despite most of my LBLs being critical, I did enjoy the story overall and I found the writing to be crisp and easy to follow—not an easy feat by any means for a short story, and this one let me picture what was happening better than many published short stories I’ve read. My biggest overall comment is that it feels like the story lacks focus. We go from wallowing in prison to jailbreak to parenting to a philosophical discussion of Omelas to E showing violence as a way of reclaiming her humanity. Any of these feels like it could be its own story and because the focus shifts so often it feels like we’re constantly resetting the story’s momentum. Personally, the part that hooked me the most was the parenting section, which feels like a more distinct conceit for a story than the other parts. If you really want to cut down the story I think you could even start here and expand this section a bit (or choose any of the other sections to delve deeper into). I’m also mixed (as in actually mixed not a nice way of saying negative) on the Omelas usage here. On the one hand it does provide good context and the story builds on its ideas in some good ways (again I like the parenting section here—showing how difficult it is for the child even if the system is challenged feels like a natural extension of the ideas behind Omelas), but on the other hand I’m not sure you can count on people having read that story and I’m not sure what’s here stands on its own without that context. Plus this story’s voice/tone/atmosphere feels standard compared to the distinctive style in Leguin’s story. Not necessarily a bad thing on its own, but I’m not sure it’s the right fit to expand on Omelas. As I go: Pg 1. The mops element in the first paragraph does a good job of being distinct but the hook doesn’t quite land for me since I don’t quite feel the connection to her emotional state with the mops. -At the start of the page I wasn’t sure if she’s in some eldritch horror land with her comments being literal but by the end of it looks like she’s imprisoned. I wonder if there’s a way to avoid that confusion. Pg 2. The language at the start is distinct but now that we’re getting into the actual plot I’m not sure what makes the situation here different form a typical jailbreak. Pg 3-4. I’m wondering if we even need the first PoV section given that we swap to A’s here. If the story starts right here then I’m not sure we’re losing much, which can be a sign that the earlier sections aren’t fully necessary. Pg 5. The Omelas namedrop does catch my interest though as it stands I wouldn’t really have guessed that this is an Omelas setup without the name. So far it feels like a typical jailbreak that could be occurring for any number of reasons. I’m also can’t tell if it’s the exact setup as Leguin’s story with one child being imprisoned at a time. Pg 6-7. Feels like a pretty big pivot in focus here from jailbreak to parenting. This does hold my interest a bit more since it feels more distinct than a jailbreak. Pg 9. Rape mention should be included in content warnings, and I’m not a fan of throwing that kind of thing around flippantly without being prepared to deconstruct it. I’ve definitely done it before myself and I’m trying not to anymore. Pg 11. I see the pieces coming together and I like the arc of helpless child learns to find her humanity through accepting that violent resistance can be necessary, but I don’t think we have enough buildup for the payoff here to feel earned. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger_reckoning Posted August 20 Author Report Share Posted August 20 Thanks for the replies! My biggest overall comment is that it feels like the story lacks focus. We go from wallowing in prison to jailbreak to parenting to a philosophical discussion of Omelas to E showing violence as a way of reclaiming her humanity. Yeah, I think I'll end up just starting with them already at the cabin. It's hard for me to have sympathy for the two characters at the end since we've already sort of fallen into the Omelas trap in our society (at least in the US). Children are ignored, abused, and mistreated so that others can live privileged lives Yes, definitely, that was one of my reasons for writing this (and because I love leguin so much) Thanks for the notes @Ace of Hearts @Mandamon! I'll see what I can do to make it more cohesive 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk she/her Posted August 27 Report Share Posted August 27 Welcome back! I enjoyed the story and didn’t think there were any obvious targets for shedding word count. You could certainly go through and give it a general line-by-line trim, as a few words here and there will add up over the course of the story and there are definitely a few opportunities, just nothing that especially sticks out. I did find that at a few points through the story—particularly but not only right after the scene break—that I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. I was surprised when the man with the gun arrived to find that the Omelas child was an adult now. But there are other also points in the story where the narrative suggests that weeks or longer have passed but the language still feels very immediate. (It takes her weeks to bathe the kid?) I think the others have sort of gotten at this as well, but I also wasn’t sure what conclusion, or question, I was supposed to come to based on the story (am I supposed to sympathize with them for having run away? Think they did the right thing? Think this is another version of Omelas in miniature?) but I’m not convinced that’s a problem for the story, just wanted to note that I didn’t come away like I was really strongly swayed in one direction or another. And, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with counting on people having read Omelas. If nothing else, there was an excellent story in Clarksworld earlier this year riffing on the same story (trigger warning for a whole bunch of child violence—no, more than you’re expecting from the title of the thing—but the story itself is fantastic). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger_reckoning Posted August 29 Author Report Share Posted August 29 On 8/27/2024 at 1:59 PM, Silk said: I did find that at a few points through the story—particularly but not only right after the scene break—that I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. I was surprised when the man with the gun arrived to find that the Omelas child was an adult now. But there are other also points in the story where the narrative suggests that weeks or longer have passed but the language still feels very immediate. (It takes her weeks to bathe the kid?) Oh that is good to know, thanks On 8/27/2024 at 1:59 PM, Silk said: I think the others have sort of gotten at this as well, but I also wasn’t sure what conclusion, or question, I was supposed to come to based on the story (am I supposed to sympathize with them for having run away? Think they did the right thing? Think this is another version of Omelas in miniature?) but I’m not convinced that’s a problem for the story, just wanted to note that I didn’t come away like I was really strongly swayed in one direction or another. Also good to know. Kinda like the original story, I wanted it to not really have a clear right or wrong answer, though I did want to show the main POV character as being somewhat sympathetic so she didn't come across as just a monster, haha. On 8/27/2024 at 1:59 PM, Silk said: but the story itself is fantastic). I actually did read this when I decided I wanted to write something based off of omelas. It is very very good! (But I wanted to show with this one that killing a child was not necessary lol) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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