People you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley

[Fatebreaker]

All this activity warms my heart.

Hello new and relatively new members. I would like to extend a warm welcome and congratulate you on making the intellegent choice in joining our guild. Our goal is to spread our delectable delights far and wide. We're definitely not doing our utmost to further the Science of Hemalurgy  on anyone and anything that could be conceivably Spiked. DEFINITELY not. 

Feel free to peruse the earlier pages of the thread to see some of the other hemalurgic baking experiments other Denizens have tried. Anything that lives can be spiked sold baked goods, and quite a few things that don't exactly qualify as "alive" too! Be bold in your experiments, relentless in your sales, and enthusiastic in our neverending pursuit of Science!

[Brightlord M. Alhstrom]

29 minutes ago, Fatebreaker said:

All this activity warms my heart.

Hello new and relatively new members. I would like to extend a warm welcome and congratulate you on making the intellegent choice in joining our guild. Our goal is to spread our delectable delights far and wide. We're definitely not doing our utmost to further the Science of Hemalurgy  on anyone and anything that could be conceivably Spiked. DEFINITELY not. 

Feel free to peruse the earlier pages of the thread to see some of the other hemalurgic baking experiments other Denizens have tried. Anything that lives can be spiked sold baked goods, and quite a few things that don't exactly qualify as "alive" too! Be bold in your experiments, relentless in your sales, and enthusiastic in our neverending pursuit of Science!

I have recently spiked another friend of mine with a hunger for Brandon's writing. I should have her on the website before the end of the month.

[MacThorstenson]

Do we know What the DA disclaimer is? Or was it lost in the accidental black hole creation a few weeks back?

Also @Fatebreaker what do we have to do to become official denzines of the dark alley? Is their an application, or can we start our research whenever we feel the need?

Edited November 29, 2017 by Ookla the Capricious

[Quickbronze]

*Spys on the various Denizens of the Dark Alley*

[Brightlord M. Alhstrom]

1 hour ago, Ookla the Noble said:

*Spys on the various Denizens of the Dark Alley*

*Prepares a Spike with the "Denizen of the Dark Alley" attribute stored up and sneaks up to his prey.*

[Quickbronze]

Quote

Oh snap 

 

[DrakeMarshall]

17 hours ago, Ookla the Capricious said:

Do we know What the DA disclaimer is? Or was it lost in the accidental black hole creation a few weeks back?

Also @Fatebreaker what do we have to do to become official denzines of the dark alley? Is their an application, or can we start our research whenever we feel the need?

Spike another member and take their place ask Voidus to add you to the roster.

On 11/27/2017 at 4:21 PM, Fatebreaker said:

and quite a few things that don't exactly qualify as "alive" too

I really ought to publish some of my findings on how various types of Nalthian lifeless are altered by consuming baked goods.

It's particularly efficient if you create the spike from a living subject, and then place the spike in the resultant lifeless.

[Quickbronze]

2 minutes ago, Drake Marshall said:

It's particularly efficient if you create the spike from a living subject, and then place the spike in the resultant lifeless.

So you pretty much just enslave an Invested person

[DrakeMarshall]

1 minute ago, Ookla the Noble said:

So you pretty much just enslave an Invested person

In exchange for a cookie, yes.

Or a pancake. I'm quite fond of hemalurgic pancakes.

[Voidus]

19 hours ago, Ookla the Capricious said:

Do we know What the DA disclaimer is? Or was it lost in the accidental black hole creation a few weeks back?

Also @Fatebreaker what do we have to do to become official denzines of the dark alley? Is their an application, or can we start our research whenever we feel the need?

Feel free to take up a spare office if you find one, don't mind the endless wails that sound like screams of pain from the depths of hell, I think FB or one of the research heads opened up a portal somewhere again, not sure which plane it's on but screaming voices mean screaming people who can be spiked customers for our cookies.
If you're after something more official with a name on the OP then yeah just let me know and if you'd like a particular title, otherwise feel free to start using the resources of the DA for your research.

 

And the last copy of the disclaimer I have on hand is:
 

Spoiler

Disclaimer: Disclaimers follow. (Neither the seller not the manufacturer will be liable for any brain damage arising from the use of this product. Void where prohibited except where not prohibited. Above terms subject to change without notice. Action figures sold separately. Actual price set by retailers. All research statistics are blatantly flagrant. All rights reserved. All sales final. Any other application constitutes fraud. At participating locations only. Alternate toy available for children under 3. Because some jurisdictions do not allow the exclusion or limitation of liability for consequential or incidental damages, the above limitations may not apply to you. By continuing to use this system you indicate your awareness of and consent to these terms and conditions of use. Caveat emptor. Do not look at laser beam with remaining eye. Your results may vary. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of a Shard, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized repair, incorrect line voltage, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this joke list, and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, sticks and stones, et al.). User assumes full liabilities. Some humor and satire included. Price and participation may vary. Not to be used for the other use. Words crossed out are to be disregarded unless they resemble spikes piercing words, in which case you should probably see your local spike cookie vendor. May be addictive. Must be 18 months or older to order. Prices subject to change without notice. No refunds available. There is a slight chance (between 12-87%) of Ruinous corruption; this may or may not cause the following side effects (including, but not limited to): delusions of grandeur, hallucinations, compulsive and destructive behavior, pain, headaches, voices in your head, pneumonia, heart attack, stoke, severe internal bleeding, and death. These side effects are not permanent and are perfectly normal. Please see your cookie vendor to see if Hemalurgy is right for you. No kandra were harmed in the making of this product. Some disclaimers may not apply to all participating victims participants. All constitutional rights are waved by use of this product. Irreparable damage may occur. Vendor is not liable for damaged packaging, bodies, or souls. There is always another secret. Surgeon's Warning: Spiking causes severe Investiture warping. Fragile. This side up. If normality persists for a period of time exceeding 30 days, consult with a Dark Alley representative near you. This may be a sign of chronic dementia. This side down. The information contained in this disclaimer is intended by the Dark Alley for the use of consumers only and may contain information that is privileged, confidential, and/or protected from disclosure by inapplicable laws. Contents of this disclaimer are under pressure. This disclaimer may be in part, whole, or wholesale plagiarized. Shake well before using. Batteries not included. Each set sold separately. Avoid prolonged exposure to this disclaimer. Do not read this disclaimer while driving a vehicle or operating heavy equipment. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is coincidental and intended by the author. Reading this disclaimer does not provide grounds for a legal dispute. Parental guidance suggested. Professional driver on a closed course. Do not attempt at home. See the owner's manual for more information.
This supersedes any previous disclaimer: The above disclaimers may be inacurate and cookies will be provided in case of Shardic intervention.)

 

[Zennix]

Please, no backspiking of fellow Dark Alley agents. We aren't done with experimenting on, sorry, delivering baked goods to the rest of the Shard.

By the way, I have some Atium spikes for sale to DA agents who need tools for precision spiking. The were even forged in the fires of Mount Doom. I call them the One Spikes. Hurry up and bid on them. I have only a few left. 

Edited November 30, 2017 by Zennix

[Brightlord M. Alhstrom]

12 minutes ago, Zennix said:

Please, no backspiking of fellow Dark Alley agents. We aren't done with experimenting on, sorry, delivering baked goods to the rest of the Shard.

By the way, I have some Atium spikes for sale to DA agents who need tools for precision spiking. The were even forged in the fires of Mount Doom. I call them the One Spikes. Hurry up and bid on them. I have only a few left. 

I can get you a dozen set of spikes for some Koloss if you want.

[Zennix]

3 minutes ago, Ookla the Altruist said:

I can get you a dozen set of spikes for some Koloss if you want.

I'm selling are One Spikes. Why would I want ordinary steel spikes? 

[Brightlord M. Alhstrom]

14 minutes ago, Zennix said:

I'm selling are One Spikes. Why would I want ordinary steel spikes? 

Well, you'd be giving me an empty atium spike in exchange for some 50 charged iron spikes. I'd have already done most of the bloody and grimy part of the work.

[Zennix]

The thing is, I ended all my Koloss research 3 years ago. I have moved on to more ambitious projects that require the highest quality tools to give good results. 

[Farnsworth]

I am attempting to conduct some new research, but have far to few test subjects. Does anybody know somebody who might volunteer?

[MacThorstenson]

I have in recent times, found it extremely difficult to get new test subjects from the introductions thread. Occasionally I bring in one new person, but the enemies of the alleys are very strong and are turning the new members against us. Either we need to change our recruitment methods or find a new market.

[Brightlord M. Alhstrom]

16 minutes ago, Ookla the Capricious said:

I have in recent times, found it extremely difficult to get new test subjects from the introductions thread. Occasionally I bring in one new person, but the enemies of the alleys are very strong and are turning the new members against us. Either we need to change our recruitment methods or find a new market.

Any chance we can hire some Rathbore Monks and arm them with needle-thin spikes to use on newcomers? 

[Quickbronze]

That's not good.

[Brightlord M. Alhstrom]

*Once again, his prey appears, and he leaps, spike in hand!*

[Quickbronze]

*DESPERATE AND DRAMATIC LUNGE OUT OF THE WAY*

[MacThorstenson]

"We were deep in the recruitment wing of the alleys when that guy showed up. Who was supposed to be on security tonight?" Ookla the Capricious asks.

*and is this a big enough screw up that I can get them demoted to test subject?* He then wonders quietly.

[DrakeMarshall]

5 hours ago, Zennix said:

Please, no backspiking of fellow Dark Alley agents. We aren't done with experimenting on, sorry, delivering baked goods to the rest of the Shard.

By the way, I have some Atium spikes for sale to DA agents who need tools for precision spiking. The were even forged in the fires of Mount Doom. I call them the One Spikes. Hurry up and bid on them. I have only a few left. 

I'll bid seven of my friends' souls. After I have ascertained that these spikes are of the quality you say they are, of coarse.

3 hours ago, Ookla the Capricious said:

I have in recent times, found it extremely difficult to get new test subjects from the introductions thread. Occasionally I bring in one new person, but the enemies of the alleys are very strong and are turning the new members against us. Either we need to change our recruitment methods or find a new market.

Well, we can try to improve the quality of our baked goods.

I recently discovered a rather excellent recipe for brown butter chocolate chip cookies with sea salt.

Alternately, a spiked croissant d'amande is absolutely sublime.

[Farnsworth]

1 hour ago, Ookla the Capricious said:

*and is this a big enough screw up that I can get them demoted to test subject?* He then wonders quietly.

No need to worry! We are 97% certain that these spikes are safe 95% of the time!

[Brightlord M. Alhstrom]

2 hours ago, Ookla the Capricious said:

"We were deep in the recruitment wing of the alleys when that guy showed up. Who was supposed to be on security tonight?" Ookla the Capricious asks.

*and is this a big enough screw up that I can get them demoted to test subject?* He then wonders quietly.

"I have no idea who is on Security. To be honest, I wasn't aware we had a security position," explained Ookla the Altruist. "As such, I've tried sir. He is, I believe, one of the more prominent anti-Hemalurgic Spokesmen, as well as the head of a Hemalurgy-free Bakery that is in direct competition with our establishment. Realizing how valuable he would be to our cause, I've prepared a hemalurgic spike especially for him primed with the attribute of a Loyal Denizen of the Dark Alley. These last two times he has come, I've attempted to spike him, but he has managed to evade me.
"As such, I have decided to try a new ploy. I am not a trained assassin, and as such, I have hired a Rathbore Monk and charged him to insert the prepared spike into 'Ookla the Noble''s back the next time he makes an appearance here. Once this succeeds we should be able to covertly smuggle some spikes into the 'Hemalurgy Free Bakery,' thus greatly increasing our conversion rate."

Edited November 30, 2017 by Ookla the Altruist