Cathy Lim Posted June 27, 2023 Report Share Posted June 27, 2023 Hello everyone, Welcome to chapter 3! The first line of this chapter used to also be the last line of chapter 2 (but in Z’s point of view) but the person who line edited it took it out so now the ending of chapter 2 is too abrupt- I guess? Anyway, thanks for the feedback. As always I appreciate the work you do! Cathy 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted June 29, 2023 Report Share Posted June 29, 2023 Aside from a couple technical things, this is a good setup chapter. We see where the two are going in their storyline, and they have an instant chemistry with a common goal/ I also want to know what Z's father does for a living! Notes while reading: pg 2: "Except when you’re angry" --Except when he's angry? pg 2: “This is taking forever, let me heal it.” --oh yeah, they both have healing and fire, right? pg 3: "his hand rested on the back of Z’s neck" --Is this indicating R is healing Z? Does he need to touch his neck? pg 4: “It looks like someone was playing with fire, and some random guy with water magic put it out.” --wait, where did J go again? And when did he get in this scene? Also, was he watching? Because that's a very specific guess. pg 5: "Silence settled on the room. Everything stopped." --Because he wasn't seen? Usually everything stopping is because of some bombshell. This seems more like everyone is considering the outcomes. pg 8: "uses his fire magic to make a living instead of hoarding its use like it’s beneath them to be useful" --okay, this is interesting. What does he do, and how are others hoarding magic? pg 10: good discussion between them through here. Nice character building. pg 10: "My father works hard for a living. I help him on most jobs." --I'd still like to know some specifics of this. Does he keep heaters warm? Act as a smith? heat water? pg 11: “So, let’s make it worth the trouble.” --I like this setup. We instantly see that R and Z are destined to be friends/siblings, and they start to work together for a common goal. Nice! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demiurgess Posted June 30, 2023 Report Share Posted June 30, 2023 Hi, Cathy! I haven't read the first two submissions of "The Slayer's Magic" because I am a newbie here, so I might be a bit out of depth. However, I must say that even having skipped the first two chapters, I could navigate pretty easily throughout the text, at least among the characters (which is a feat on your part, taking into account how many names were mentioned ). It was slightly more complex with magic - I mean it is all clear, but I wanted to know much more as to who can wield what, but I believe it might be all coming in later (or some of it was before) There is a wonderful character setting and dynamics there. I loved the dialogue between Ryn and Zo when they are on their own (p9-11), and how you introduced Zo's preferences. More of the page-by-page comments: 1. P. 1: I'm really intrigued by that stranger, loved how he addressed Ryn (it was probably more of an intrigue for me since I didn't know Ryn was looking into her past and real parents, still it was great). Plus loved how she is spluttering and coughing instead of answering. 2. P. 6: “Thank you for coming this evening, Lars said. Despite the interruption earlier, this meeting has been a long time coming and Ryette and I hope that we will all enjoy each other’s company.” Lar’s smile looked hopeful. “Please, eat.” and later on “So, what was the urgent problem, Mother? Was it solved?” Jett asked as he passed a bowl." I wasn't sure whether this was all about one and the same thing. I am probably missing on something. My first impression was that Lars and Ryette were to make some announcement of the personal character, but Jett pushed it into a different direction, towards some news from the library. So for me, it was a bit contradictory, but it could be because I skipped chapters. 3. P. 7: "You don’t need to study at the Library, Ryn,” her mother said, “They won’t accept you there. You think the kids here in town are harsh, Ancestor Library workers are worse,” For me, there is a difference between you don't need to study and they won't accept you. I realise you were trying to say that she is good enough and loved even without the library so why go through humiliation of not being accepted. But while I was reading it, it felt like a phrase to connect those two was missing. Again I haven't seen enough of this mother-daughter interaction, maybe they don't put things in the open. However, I wanted to see more there. 4. P. 8: "Ryn stared at Zo. She’d never met an Ancestor descendant who valued something other than magic. She was stunned. That’s why what his father said next hurt more than she thought it could. “Snobby or not you need to find yourself a nice Ancestor descendent girl. Bloodlines are everything Zo. I expect you to perpetuate the magic. The Ancestors demand it,” Lar said. " This was confusing to me, because earlier I read that Ryn fancied the apple vendor's son, but here it sounded like she was hurt because Zo was supposed to be married off to an Ancestor girl. Again it can be me missing on something. Later on you show us that Zo doesn't like girls and Ryn knows about that. Moreover, you mention that she had just met him. So it can't be about her fancying him. But that was how it read the first time for me. It felt like more, especially since Zo tried to protect her. 5. P. 8: "In the quiet that followed Zo’s departure Ryn whispered, “I was uninvited to that party because they don’t want me mixing my ordinary blood with their Ancestry.” Wiping her eyes with her napkin, she stood and followed Zo." Basically this is repeated later on when she talks to Zo on page 9. And it felt redundant to me. I felt like it worked much better when she said it to Zo, because at the dinner table it was lost anyway, since you didn't show us any reaction from the others. Would she even want to say that in front of her mother, who was, minutes ago, dissuading her from applying to the Library exactly on those grounds? 6. P. 10: "Most Ancestor magic use is nearly forbidden, unless used for a ‘noble cause’ whatever that is." On this I am with Mastodon. really intrigued to see what is forbidden and how Zo's father still manages to use his magic, what exactly he does. 7. Really loved the ending - how Ryn and Zo strike a bond and the promise of adventure and trouble. Really good dialogue there as well. Summing up, I really loved it - promises of intricate magic, intrigues and some cool friendships. Look forward to reading more of it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted July 1, 2023 Report Share Posted July 1, 2023 Excited to dig in! Overall: The strongest part of the chapter is that I think it does a good job selling the connection that R and Z have as people who have a conflict with the ancestor system. Them teaming up at the end feels good because the chapter establishes that they don’t really have anyone else to go to. Turning to constructive criticism, I think we need more from the weird guy besides the fact that he thinks R is potentially important for that to feel like a real plot hook. Additionally, I’m guessing Z is supposed to come off as abrasive but the fact that he shot fire at a guy for following them seems like a huge red flag, and I think I need more clarity on how I’m supposed to read him as a whole (or maybe I just missed context that makes Z seem more reasonable). As I go: Pg 1. The guy last chapter just yelled at them to stop, right? Why is Z shooting a fireball at him? -I don’t mind the guy being a bit cryptic but if he’s trying to get info out of R he should maybe try being a bit clearer Pg 2. One consequence of the plot not being super clear to me is that J and Re don’t feel like they have a defined role. Take this knowing I have a bad memory for names but it’s even been hard to keep track of who’s related to whom. Pg 4. I feel like shooting a fireball at some random civilian has to be a crime, yeah? Pg 5. Okay yeah it is a crime. Good follow-up. Though Z comes off looking real bad here since the guy wasn’t doing anything outright threatening iirc. Pg 7. This is a good follow-up to the original character hook we got for R—I’m more interested in this thread then most of the events of last chapter and the start of this one -Coming out party? Pg 8. It feels like the story wants L’s comment to be this impactful moment, but the buildup isn’t really there to feel like everything’s coming to a head. Pg 9-10. Wouldn’t it be easier for R to notice that Z’s into guys than the fact that he isn’t into girls? Especially given how Z reacted to that blond guy last chapter. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted July 1, 2023 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2023 On 6/28/2023 at 6:06 PM, Mandamon said: Does he need to touch his neck? Yes. This was a quick addition I made because of where the plotline has ended up taking me. I originally had Z slowly heal himself, but when I got further in I realized he can't heal at all, so I threw this in so hopefully you can pick up that Re healed him. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted July 1, 2023 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2023 On 6/30/2023 at 6:33 AM, Demiurgess said: Look forward to reading more of it. Thanks so much! I live for positive feedback! I believe your questions would be cleared up with chapters 1 and 2- sorry about that! Thanks again! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted July 1, 2023 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2023 1 hour ago, Ace of Hearts said: -Coming out party? Yeah, I know. Silk already bounced off this. I will change it when I get to it. Thanks! 1 hour ago, Ace of Hearts said: Wouldn’t it be easier for R to notice that Z’s into guys than the fact that he isn’t into girls? I'm still playing with this. I originally had Z really fawning over the blonde apple farmer, but my first readers thought it was too much so I backed off of it and had to add R noticing him watching some guy (who we'll meet later at the party) at the lake. I'm still working on fixing the balance here. As always, thanks for your thoughts! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demiurgess Posted July 5, 2023 Report Share Posted July 5, 2023 On 01/07/2023 at 7:37 PM, Cathy Lim said: Thanks so much! I live for positive feedback! I believe your questions would be cleared up with chapters 1 and 2- sorry about that! Thanks again! Maybe, you could send them to me? Because as I was commenting on Ch 4 I still had a feeling I was missing things. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted July 8, 2023 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2023 On 7/5/2023 at 4:30 AM, Demiurgess said: Maybe, you could send them to me? Because as I was commenting on Ch 4 I still had a feeling I was missing things. I've decided to step back from submitting. I thought this draft was in better shape than it is and getting so much critique while I'm drafting is messing with my head. (AKA I want to jump off a cliff or scrap the thing and start completely over AGAIN.) So thank you so much for the offer, but I need to step away from feedback until I get this draft done. Thanks for all that you've done with it so far! I really appreciate your effort! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demiurgess Posted July 13, 2023 Report Share Posted July 13, 2023 On 08/07/2023 at 7:22 PM, Cathy Lim said: I've decided to step back from submitting. I thought this draft was in better shape than it is and getting so much critique while I'm drafting is messing with my head. (AKA I want to jump off a cliff or scrap the thing and start completely over AGAIN.) So thank you so much for the offer, but I need to step away from feedback until I get this draft done. Thanks for all that you've done with it so far! I really appreciate your effort! I totally understand (please, don't jump off the cliff or scrape the whole thing!). I hope you didn't find the critique too harsh because the story is great. I really loved what I read. But I know how it is when the critique comes in when you are still drafting - sometimes it helps, but sometimes it only makes you come back to the chapters and slows the process. I'll be happy to come back to reading it when you are ready 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted July 15, 2023 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2023 On 7/13/2023 at 8:03 AM, Demiurgess said: I hope you didn't find the critique too harsh because the story is great. No, it was fine! I'm just not in a good place for critique right now. I'm on a deadline and in a hurry and I thought I could juggle it all, but it looks like I can not. I'm not sure if there will be time to run it through this group when I'm done because it will go into content edits when I'm finished, but if there is time I will! Thanks for your help! I am keeping the feedback to look at later when I go into revision! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demiurgess Posted July 17, 2023 Report Share Posted July 17, 2023 On 15/07/2023 at 3:41 AM, Cathy Lim said: No, it was fine! I'm just not in a good place for critique right now. I'm on a deadline and in a hurry and I thought I could juggle it all, but it looks like I can not. I'm not sure if there will be time to run it through this group when I'm done because it will go into content edits when I'm finished, but if there is time I will! Thanks for your help! I am keeping the feedback to look at later when I go into revision! Good luck with everything! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted July 18, 2023 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2023 17 hours ago, Demiurgess said: Good luck with everything! Thanks! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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