Demiurgess

To begin with, I looked through Mandamon’s comments and I agree with them overall, especially about the learning curve. Clearly, there is a mystery to the story, but the mystery can be personal while the world is properly explored. If anything, it could help you create even more tension around the mystery. So far, it feels like you are withholding it all on purpose, but it doesn’t feel like it’s about the steep learning curve – more about not putting things into the text, when they could have been. You chose to limit us to the base where the soldiers are, probably to keep the mystery going. But for me, it feels like you are limiting us to the world, which I would love to explore more. I believe, the bigger the world you build, the more points of view you might need. But it is only my perspective. As to this chapter, it definitely progresses the first part of the novel further. I loved the beginning. It is very emotional (though Mandamon has a point that she doesn’t know these soldiers that well. We might need more motivation here. Perhaps, she is projecting some of her memories/past feelings) and it felt like there were more mysteries there. But as the conversation progressed, I had more questions. What is the bureaucracy uptake on this? Do they keep soldiers that can’t fight? Or do they usually speed their reincarnations? Then I was confused because I thought A wanted to keep soldiers safe, but I also believed it was to help them move forward and away from the fight. And then there was a phrase about treating ministers with higher muscle mass, and I didn’t know what to think of it. We still know so little about the ministers. p.4 I didn’t realise before that the deserters were hiding in the C.O. That’s cool. But I am curious about the mechanics of it. How is it possible? P5. S’s accusations of N. were powerful and it was an interesting turn. I like how he used the younger soldiers as an argument. But it once again brought me back to the question about reincarnation. Obviously, dying is traumatic even if you are reborn later. But is there more to it? P9. I loved the phrase when A thinks she’s sending three kids to their deaths. It’s a good reminder that soldiers are basically teenagers there at times. P11. It’s one striking revelation about ministers executing soldiers when they reach their limit. But how is it all arranged? Aren’t there even the tiniest of rumours? p.13 Aren’t Z’s attacks going to affect the civilians? Isn’t she worried for her mom? Or is the house that far away? p.13. Her mom mentions that ministers remember being soldiers. And it didn’t sound like she was referring to A only. So, for her it wasn’t a secret. Why didn’t she tell A? And A isn’t surprised her mom knows that. So far, I don’t understand this mother-daughter relationship well enough. It feels rather superficial at times. P16: about being born from the womb vs just appearing. It’s a striking detail, but it doesn’t give you much information. I believe it would be great if all these details about soldiers and ministers and reincarnations were connected through their functionality or whatever differentiates the two. Personally for me, the ending of the chapter was really heavy. I appreciate the novelty of the weapons. But there is no way I am going to remember all that. I tried to stop myself from skimming through those paragraphs and reading them properly. But for me, the important things were A’s comments and how she is going to use it. Also, there is this whole change of mood, when suddenly everybody is there to help A. Have they been testing her earlier to see whether they can trust her? Because we didn’t see it, it all feels a bit out of the blue and suspicious.

I enjoyed this chapter's dynamics, the tension and the fast tempo. With all the misinterpretations, confrontations and revelation it kept me engaged and invested. I wonder now what's P's next is going to be. I think the amount of fighting you gave in this chapter was also dosedwell, because we were getting quite a lot of it in the previous ones, and here it was well-framed and gave the character development. However, I wondered if there should be a more explicit connection between P's renewed vigour to fight and his decision to stay. I liked the dialogue between P and N, especially the part on p5 that was about being accepted as they become ministers. Those were some powerful lines about living the lives as they are. I had slight trouble with the revelation of M's true goals. The idea itself works great. It also helps us to have a new glimpse at A - she's not the only one reborn like that (more intrigue, more hints about the world and possible future conflict). Plus, the base definitely needs more support to stand against Z. However, though you mention M's previous actions, like allowing L to stay, I felt like it wasn't enough for me to make it work smoothly (I didn;t have this thought - oh, yes, now everything clicks). And then later you show us that M is quite powerful - she's been gathering info, managed to learn all about A. Because we haven't seen much of M or other ministers, this looked a bit like some superpower. I thought it might be worth building up to this moment a bit more. Also, on p9, when you mention that A had a different name before, it made me wonder once again about the worldbuilding. That's understandable they will change the name when they are reborn, especially if they don't remember their past, but how did M found out the truth about A. Is it kept in some records? And how do they follow this connection of reincarnations? p10 I really loved the phrase about how the armour never protected A from what really hurt her. It's good characterisation point. We don't yet know enough about her past, but I am more and more intrigued. p12 When A asks herself why was she so fixated on P in the first place, I was asking myself the same question Looking forward to learn more. On p13 you show us the magic of the world. We mostly saw psionic powers before, so it would be good to see more of this differentiation. All in all, there are definitely small cliffhangers throughout the chapter that would make the readers want to go on, The chapter itself is well-structured with great interpersonal clashes and dynamics. However, I still feel like I need to see more of the world outside the base and have it intertwine with the main narrative. You started doing it with P contacting Z, but I think you could do a bit more of that.

It's a good chapter. I liked the interactions between the two of them, the risk A takes telling L about the whole encounter, the dynamics of P's emotions. I agree with @Silk that there could be more of a threat - it's even enough to remind us about the Z-s arrival or there could definitely be the minister thread of uncovering it all. I am also curious as to what connects these two. I think it is a really interesting thing to explore, and you haven't given us all the cards. In this chapter, A says she wants to help more than just P, or just her group, she makes a promise, but it looks like it all started with P. F.ex., I noticed when A embraces P, she focuses on thoughts of her mother and actually feels a bit distant. It's interesting - does she try to hide more emotion? Or saving him is the only motivation? Is there a love interest? Page-by-page comments p 3: "“I’m doing this for all other soldiers,” P said. “Sure, maybe you can save us, but how many other soldiers are out there who need our help?” I really loved this emotion and dedication. But it was also the moment when I felt the most that I want to know the true scope and idea of the war. I know I've been saying this for a bit, but the thing is - the Prologue is the only part where we learn more about the threat. And the events of it happened some 300 years ago, as far as I remember, Even the course of war changes if it lasts that long. p.4:“And go right back to serving them....” This is prime! "When have we ever won better lives by appealing to the ministers’ sense of morality..." Same page.. Once again I really love it. And also this is when I think that the story goes too narrow. What I mean is that you definitely set up a conflict that is huger than one soldier base. I hope we will see more of the place and opposition. There is also a very interesting hint on how A doesn't think she's ever been a soldier. I feel like when we will get all the information the caldron is going to explode. p9: when L tells A that the bureaucracy wants her to lose - that's a great phrase, but I would also like to see it. Like somebody tempering with what A is doing. p.11: First, I like how P alternates between using A's name and 'my lady'. However this time I felt like the dialogue started with too much familiarity on P's part. I also thought that it might be a good idea to accompany these switches between addresses with inner thoughts on P's part or A's reactions, depending on the POV. Hwever, this conversation lacks any description. I know they are talking not face-to-face, but you could still give us some reactions or body language. I am myself guilty of writing dialogues that are just a stream of lines, because it's easier at times, but sometimes it's good to go back and disperse a few descriptions about what's going on. Also, in this conversation A says - why call me at this hour? And after the previous chapter, with their talk about no day and night and no true finish for the day, this looked slightly incongruous to me. Overall, good chapter, we are definitely moving to a new level of A and P's relationship. Look forward to see where it goes next

Sorry for the late feedback for this one, but I was very busy. Anyway, here are the thought My comments on this one will probably be along the same lines as for the recent chapters - quite a chunk of local things happening with the bigger picture held at bay. There is a lot going on about training, but it feels cut off from the real battling and stakes, even when the monsters come to them. I get a feeling like all that's happening in A's dominion is like in a sealed bubble, and the rest of the world, and the worldbuilding, is behind this barrier. It also makes the unusual weaponry and methods of fighting quirky but not flowing logically from the world. (I also second the Mandamon that in some ways they look impractical - is there some sort of limit that prevents them from having more armour and weapon? Perhaps, we should know about it then.) With that being said, I really enjoyed the second part of the chapter when we get into this opposition between soldiers and ministers. Personally for me, it was more interesting than their fighting styles, but that's just me. I loved those sentiments that are scattered throughout the conversation with N and L. When N says he's in his 7th year or how he talks about ministers hating to lose soldiers. Or like on p.12 N suggests that A has time to learn more about the particles. The ending is striking, I loved it, but I was thinking that maybe it could be made a bit longer. I would probably cut the beginning in favour of giving a more emotional and detailed fight in the end. More of page by page comments: p.5: "A. checked their positions relative to the monster’s, and the octopus’ speed. - Wasn't the octopus the monster? p.10: Like how the description of the psyglass print brings us back to what was in the prologue. p.12: when they talk about the day and night cycle, I might be misremembering something, but until you highlighted it here, I thought they had some sort of daily cycle and slept etc, so it confused me a bit. p.14: the explanation about the dice combinations sounded trivial. On the one hand, I understand it is exciting to the characters, but for the reader it is so basic. personally I was like - why are you telling me this, I know that, that's elementary. I think if you want to strike why it's not elementary for them, there should be a bit more? there is this bit about ministers and armies using maths and that piques my interest, like is it connected to reincarnations? But I felt like I needed to know more about the world to understand why they have maths the way they have, or dono;t have it, while having quantum physics. p.15: loved about the other realities - more intrigue. Also, fan of anything quantum. At the same time, the things that you describe are just like with dice - basic for sf reader. And it did feel like an infodump. So you might want to think of a different way to present this angle in the story. p.16: "A blinked, then nodded. It was getting harder and harder not to reveal who she had been." This works really well.

Hi, Ace of Hearts! Chapter five definitely gives us a broader perspective on the team. It's nice to see their personal interests and how they intertwine with them being soldiers and wishing/not wishing to become ministers. It definitely helps to give them faces and personalities in comparison to the previous chapters. On one hand, it serves as contrast - the ministry sees them as just a tool, while A and L look into their souls. But I agree with what @Mandamon said about the previous chapter - it's difficult to sympathise and see the battle as dangerous when the team is merely tools. So I believe you might want to tread carefully here. Also, the dialogues between A and other soldiers sounded like learnt speeches. And it is explained when S says he just repeats what L told him, but it also makes the conversation sound weird before you read that. When it comes to conversations between A and L, they too sound like an exposition. It is legitimate, on the one hand, since A doesn't know everything. But it also makes me think whether there is another way to show things to the reader. While I was reading this chapter, I was thinking that you limited yourself to the events just at one base and mostly A's POV. But with such a huge building and the steep learning curve, it feels restraining to me. I get to know the characters and their small world, but I feel like that isn't enough for me - I want to understand more of the worldbuilding, to have a deeper understanding of A's motivation via seeing what she reacts to - and it is the world as a whole. It might also help you add info about reincarnations, ministers and the war without making it just L's speeches. Adding P's POV was great! Not only it brought more of a conspiracy, but it also gave us something to set against A's worldview. Here are a few page by page comments on top of that: P1.: When M tells A she isn’t supposed to be into soldiers’ specifics, I wonder what is it that the ministers are supposed to do. Maybe, I missed (or forgot) something in the first chapters, but I still don’t have a clear idea. There are bureaucrats and from this chapter I see that's not equal to ministers, but I am still not sure about the details (before I thought it was minister=bureaucrat). P.2: I am a bit confused what B is doing there. Wasn’t she supposed to be reassigned since there is a new supervisor? P3-4: The dialogue between L and A, short though as it is, looked like it was filled with sentences that didn’t give me much new, apart from the request itself. Maybe, it could be incorporated into the next section or skipped altogether? P 7: So is it the C.O that resists clairvoyance, or are their restrictions put by other humans? I got confused. Later on, it looks like somebody blocks it, but originally it seems the C.O is responsible for the barrier.

Hi, Ace of Hearts! Here are some thoughts on Ch.4 of Everlasting Sunset. I really liked how you continue - in small bits and pieces - to develop the topic of being a soldier. Clearly, A. considers it all to be bad and painful (perhaps, we could see some more memories of hers to feel it fully and empathise with her more). And P. is changing his mind about it, growing onto it? It's a bit shady, but there is definitely the dynamics. The part about A. dying in the C.O. was really cool, and we finally know more about her. P. and A. teamwork and P.'s temporary trust in her worked really well. And the oranges scene for me was very vivid. Also, a superb characteristic of how harsh their world is if they are usually denied fruits and need to be very practical. Some page-by-page comments: P.1: You say that the monsters are expected the next day, though in Ch.3 it was said the prognosis showed nothing for the next couple of days. I get it - the whole forecast isn't that accurate, but could we possibly know more about it then? P1: “If she made a mistake in training today or leading tomorrow, somebody was going to die." I was wondering about it in the previous chapters a bit too, but here, with such a powerful sentence, it struck me - how did they survive all this time before? Belladonna wasn't the best of supervisors, but does it mean they had a lot of casualties? Both curious and a bit confused here. P4: when A. talks about her death in the C.O. she mentions seeing and talking to somebody, but not remembering anymore. However, I thought it could be cool if there was at least one detail about that person or talk, a clue for the future, and a way to make it less general. P4-5: What was the point of L. making A. reveal she remembers her past? To warn her? Or out of curiosity and desire to show she can? As a reader, we already know that A. remembers. I just thought motivation here was important for it not to look like an exposition type of dialogue. maybe, the warning could be a bit stronger? A few grammar/tense mistakes: P 5: "and she lost myself in the rhythm of the tiny" - lost herself P 5: "Some of the soldiers are still asleep when Ash arrived," - were still asleep P 10: When P. says he's going to chase the shark into the C.O, I'd like to see more of A. inner thoughts about it, not just silence. Later on, you reveal P. ran into C.O to desert, so A. should feel uneasy at this moment. It would be good to see it. P.11: mention of asteroids for comparison didn't quite work for me. I often find that such comparisons when the characters say something is like something they saw in the book or the like, feel slightly artificial. I was thinking, surely they have hills and mountains and just huge buildings it could have been compared to in size. Unless, it is a clue for something else I missed. P12: when P. delivers the final blow to the shark ("The impact sent cracks through the calamity crystal, and the shark fell apart the next second") it feels rather sudden. Before he had to hit it quite a few times and nothing happened. Maybe, you could mention that he stroke at the old cracks at this moment? P. 12: "and she only barely to calm the shaking in her legs" - I guess some of the grammar was lost at the editing stage And some final words about P. He appears quite a mystery figure himself, but unlike A. we don't get his POV. It's great to have an enigma guy and probably an unreliable narrator of sorts, but at times I want to see more of him. Also, I got a bit confused with his desertion in the past life. In this chapter you mentioned he ran in the C.O, before (Ch.2) you said soldiers were sent after him. Into the C.O? All in all, good job! There is nice fighting here and I like how A. and P. are slowly getting closer. But I feel the need to learn more about this world. The reincarnation and the switch between soldiers and ministers is still a big mystery. And now there is an addition to it about dying in the C.O. There is also the major theme of turning soldiers into ministers, but we don't know so much about this war/threat. We see the monsters creeping onto human territory and attacking. From A. words, we know it is dangerous, and the fighting is tough at the moments. But I I would like to start getting a bigger picture of what is behind it and why it is as it is. After all, if the threat is unrelenting, they can't have all soldiers turned into ministers.

Thanks, Ace of Hearts! You've got a few interesting angles highlighted for me there! It'll be very useful!

Hi Ace of Hearts! It was wonderful to get back to Everlasting Sunset! I could see that you were trying to give us more about soldier life here. I was also very curious about the mother character. It definitely deepens the mystery and brings in the curious dynamics. I really like the phrase on p.7 when she says the cottage is strange just as when she woke up. Sent a powerful image. However, overall, this chapter felt a little weaker for me than the previous ones. I saw that you did a great job coming up with different soldier types and their weapons. It's absolutely logical to portray them in training and give more agency to A, but maybe if there was a bit more danger or urgency to it, it would get more exciting. there was already a battle in the previous chapter, so I realise you might not want to repeat that. But perhaps, the comment at the very end about how A has only one month to get them ready was given earlier, it would raise the stakes a bit. Also, p.1 it felt contradictory then that A tells them not to push themselves too hard. I mean I know she is there to help them, especially P, but she needs them in good fighting shape, so it's not actually about going lax I enjoyed the philosophical discussion with L, I am growing on this smart girl character. Also, the sidesteps A and P are making around each other are great. With that being said, I though maybe a bit more of the body language will help to escalate the matter and create even more intrigue. There is definitely a lot going on between the two, coming from the past. But P's fake smile wasn't enough for me. Also, p.5 "Same fake tone as before. It was hard to believe since he talked.... " Is it the fake tone or her past experience with P that makes her suspicious? I felt like if you focused on the past it would send a stronger image. All in all, I believe there is a message in this chapter - the upcoming threat + additional arc of the mother. However, I feel like they both need just some spicing up just to keep up with the previous chapters in style and dynamics.

Hi, Ace of Hearts! If you have a moment to look at the story, that would be really great. I still haven't got back to editing it, so yes the comments are still welcomed

Hi Cathy! Sorry I am terribly late with thanks, but I was very busy with other stuff and didn't visit the forum. Thank you, the feedback is really useful. I guess smells are different for everyone, but it's good to hear what works and what doesn't. And I was worried about that tea cup, but the story kind of flowed and I didn't figure out how to put the explanation in. But I will

Thank you for the critique, Silk! It was really useful!

I wasn't sure it works. But there was an idea that the changed warthogs aren't exactly fussy and try to stick to the most common names to blend in.

Yup

Thanks, Mandamon! Tightening things up isn't always easy, so thanks for the examples - it's really helpful!

Hello everyone! This is my first submission for critique. I chose a short story, which starts a bit like magical realism and then goes full into SF. It has a bit of violence, but I wouldn't call it very hardcore. Let me know what you think works and what doesn't. Thanks for reading the piece!

Good luck with everything!

I wondered if it is okay to submit a short story. If so, I'd like a slot for the next week

I totally understand (please, don't jump off the cliff or scrape the whole thing!). I hope you didn't find the critique too harsh because the story is great. I really loved what I read. But I know how it is when the critique comes in when you are still drafting - sometimes it helps, but sometimes it only makes you come back to the chapters and slows the process. I'll be happy to come back to reading it when you are ready

I found this chapter easier to read than the previous one. I liked the mysteries coming with Magnolia hiding her physic and giving threats, and the news of deserters and the looming assault, which bureaucrats didn’t take care about. I enjoyed Lilac’s character, and the remark about Ash not knowing how it is to be a child was brilliant – for me, it added so much depth to the world. The chapter still doesn't seem to give us enough to see further - Ash clearly wishes to help soldiers, but why? BEcause of personal attachment to Palladium? OR is there more. But at least we have the first mission - to survive the Zorite's attack, which will keep us engaged. And there are clearly hints for more. Page 2: “Was it impossible for Ash to run into someone normal today?” This phrase made me wonder what normal means in this world. Because with all the reincarnations and monsters, it all feels so abnormal. It made me curious. Maybe, we’ll see later on but it’s a good remark. Page 3: “I’m here to see the woman, the myth, the legend herself.” This intrigued me – does Belladonna thinks that only because of the fight she saw? Or is there more to it? Page 5: Liked how Lilac is repeating Ash’s sentiments. Made me think if there is more to it. Page 7: I was a bit confused by the chair/console mechanics. Did Ash guess it was out of use because the cushion was stiff or because the cushion was there? Was the chair channelling psionic powers? How? It would be cool to see a bit more mechanics of the chair / console here. At least you could tell us where the cushion goes when they start using the console Page 8: “It was a small attack, which gave off a weaker signal that the console’s energy readers didn’t always catch days ahead of time.” This is given through Ash’s POV as is the rest of the chapter. So how does she know these things if she is using the console for the first time? Page 10: “Ash sighed. Belladonna was right that it wasn’t fair to pin this all on Palladium, even if he did know better in his previous life.” This suggests that Ash knew Palladium in a few lives and that he reincarnated while she knew him. Perhaps, we could get a bit more on reincarnation now? From soldier to minister you are reborn into a baby’s body. And soldiers can be reborn in adolescents as far as I remember. But how do they know who is who? How do they recognise people in new bodies? I know it’s a steep learning curve, but isn't it exactly why we need to learn more about reincarnation? I am also quite curious about what happens to Belladonna. Is she reassigned? Was it because Ash volunteered? Or because of her mistakes? Or it is a routine procedure? Where is she heading next? Hope we’ll have a glimpse later on. It will sketch the world in more detail. But maybe, you could give some of this info here already? Page 11: I am still trying to make more sense of the age maths. They used to serve at a different station, but Palladium left before Ash reincarnated. And he was a deserter of sorts. Makes it all for a very intriguing backstory. Can’t wait to find out what happened. But I feel like we need to learn more about how Ash found him - how was it possible. Brings us back to how reincarnation works. All in all, it’s a good chapter, also gave me a bit of a rest from the previous one. My only wish is to see more of reincarnation explained, because some of its aspects – recognition and keeping track of it – keep boggling me and I can’t follow the logic fully.

Maybe, you could send them to me? Because as I was commenting on Ch 4 I still had a feeling I was missing things.

Hi Cathy! I really enjoyed Chapter 4. I love Zo's voice, this mixture of caring and daring. I love how he cares about Ryn. The whole chemistry between them is fantastic. Ryn is a bit shy, but I feel this potential of how Zo is going to influence her - and that's working pretty well. The chapter is also a good set-up for more fun - spiking the punch, the laxative and I am guessing there will be a fire show as well. Makes me really look forward to the next chapter. However, I would agree with Mandamon concerning the motivation. Young people have temper and it actually works that they seem to disregard the consequences of their actions, but if they are doing this just for fun it makes them less sympathetic to the reader. So they need to be angered by the Ancestor's side, especially Zo, since he has it better than Ryn because he has magic. Maybe, you could show some slight towards him from the Ancestors. There are also a few that marred the logic for me a bit. Page 1 and later on. Invitations. I felt like you could add a bit more at the beginning to make Zo’s plan clearer. Regg is leaving to meet Jett and hurries up Zo, but we don’t yet know Zo has the invitation (and we never learn whether Regg knew it). From the previous chapter, we learnt that Regg got the invitation for the two of them and that Ryn wasn’t invited. So, is it that Zo is leaving his brother behind? But he thinks the following – “In fact, he couldn’t wait to get there, but for his and Ryn’s plan to work they needed to wait till Regg and Jett were already at the party.” Or can Jett bring Regg along? That was never mentioned. I don’t think Regg could get two invitations for just himself. I feel like we are missing one invitation that could allow Ryn in or an explanation how Regg managed to get in. Page 1: “Ryette was expected any minute, then he could go over and help Ryn get ready. If he left now he would be forced to go straight to the party.” Why would Zo be forced to go straight to the party? Maybe I am missing something, and Ryn and Zo leave next houses. But if Ryette is expected any minute in Zo’s house, she is on her way – can’t he still sneak to Ryn then? Even if he meets Ryette on the way, he could try a detour and circle back to Ryn’s house. Once again, it might be the gaps I have because I haven’t read the first two chapters, but I find it a bit difficult to orient myself around geographically because of that. Page 2: “Wes will be here tomorrow, I leave in the morning,” she said.<…> “I want you to come with me,” she said. “I will gladly go with you.”<…> “Clayr says Wes has three people with earth magic accompanying him,” Rynette said. “Someone needs to stay to protect the children.” Lar stepped back and held her shoulders. “My earth magic will erase all traces of you and the kids. I do it twice a day. No one will find them.” First, I was confused about the magic. I was sure from the previous chapter Lar wields fire magic (“They look down on Dad because he uses his fire magic to make a living instead of hoarding its use like it’s beneath them to be useful." - quote from Ch.3) . But now he can also do earth? (Maybe, you showed/explained it in the first two chapters, or is it that each person can yield 2 types of magic? But that wasn't very clear for me either.). Secondly, I didn’t quite get whether Lar is going or staying. I felt like I needed more explanation about this trace erasing. Are they leaving the kids behind and hiding their traces? Or is he staying to cover them. But it was said that he will gladly go. The phrase about Clayr having three people with earth magic, unfortunately, didn’t clarify it for me. (Unless there was something about it in first two chapters) Page 2: Lar and Ryette are leaving without a word to Zo, though Lar promised Regg he would see that Zo is coming to the party. Page 3: “Ryn pulled open a slit in her skirt, taking his bag and adding it with hers into the pocket tied at her waist.” Before you mentioned Zo had a bag full of tricks. It may be just me, but it created an image of a big bag (not a pouch) for me, so the whole hiding under the skirts felt a bit improbable. Page 6. I found it a bit strange that the muscled guard didn’t notice his colleague living and didn’t realise it was because of these two. After all, all other people moved to him and Ryn and Zo were still standing and waiting for the thin man. Also, they got in too easily, and I didn’t feel their tension too much. Yes, you mention Ryn being stiff and the joke about the knees, but even as other people move to Mr Biceps, it is all handled very quickly, so I didn’t manage to feel the nerves, even dread as they are left there alone awaiting the thin man to return. Page 8. All in all, I loved the appearance of Iden on the stage and the whole conversation. The lines about Zo and Ryn loving the same guys were just wonderful! The whole scene felt very vivid to me. The only problem I had was exactly Ryn’s love interest in Iden. Now I could have missed Iden’s mention earlier in the first two chapters, but in Chapter 3 you showed us Ryn’s interest in the apple farmer’s son. And for me, it was a clash, because obviously that is not Iden as Iden’s parents work for the Library. Of course, she is young, her interests may be fleeting, but so close to each other these two mentions made me confused. Looking forward to the next submission

Hi, Cathy! I haven't read the first two submissions of "The Slayer's Magic" because I am a newbie here, so I might be a bit out of depth. However, I must say that even having skipped the first two chapters, I could navigate pretty easily throughout the text, at least among the characters (which is a feat on your part, taking into account how many names were mentioned ). It was slightly more complex with magic - I mean it is all clear, but I wanted to know much more as to who can wield what, but I believe it might be all coming in later (or some of it was before) There is a wonderful character setting and dynamics there. I loved the dialogue between Ryn and Zo when they are on their own (p9-11), and how you introduced Zo's preferences. More of the page-by-page comments: 1. P. 1: I'm really intrigued by that stranger, loved how he addressed Ryn (it was probably more of an intrigue for me since I didn't know Ryn was looking into her past and real parents, still it was great). Plus loved how she is spluttering and coughing instead of answering. 2. P. 6: “Thank you for coming this evening, Lars said. Despite the interruption earlier, this meeting has been a long time coming and Ryette and I hope that we will all enjoy each other’s company.” Lar’s smile looked hopeful. “Please, eat.” and later on “So, what was the urgent problem, Mother? Was it solved?” Jett asked as he passed a bowl." I wasn't sure whether this was all about one and the same thing. I am probably missing on something. My first impression was that Lars and Ryette were to make some announcement of the personal character, but Jett pushed it into a different direction, towards some news from the library. So for me, it was a bit contradictory, but it could be because I skipped chapters. 3. P. 7: "You don’t need to study at the Library, Ryn,” her mother said, “They won’t accept you there. You think the kids here in town are harsh, Ancestor Library workers are worse,” For me, there is a difference between you don't need to study and they won't accept you. I realise you were trying to say that she is good enough and loved even without the library so why go through humiliation of not being accepted. But while I was reading it, it felt like a phrase to connect those two was missing. Again I haven't seen enough of this mother-daughter interaction, maybe they don't put things in the open. However, I wanted to see more there. 4. P. 8: "Ryn stared at Zo. She’d never met an Ancestor descendant who valued something other than magic. She was stunned. That’s why what his father said next hurt more than she thought it could. “Snobby or not you need to find yourself a nice Ancestor descendent girl. Bloodlines are everything Zo. I expect you to perpetuate the magic. The Ancestors demand it,” Lar said. " This was confusing to me, because earlier I read that Ryn fancied the apple vendor's son, but here it sounded like she was hurt because Zo was supposed to be married off to an Ancestor girl. Again it can be me missing on something. Later on you show us that Zo doesn't like girls and Ryn knows about that. Moreover, you mention that she had just met him. So it can't be about her fancying him. But that was how it read the first time for me. It felt like more, especially since Zo tried to protect her. 5. P. 8: "In the quiet that followed Zo’s departure Ryn whispered, “I was uninvited to that party because they don’t want me mixing my ordinary blood with their Ancestry.” Wiping her eyes with her napkin, she stood and followed Zo." Basically this is repeated later on when she talks to Zo on page 9. And it felt redundant to me. I felt like it worked much better when she said it to Zo, because at the dinner table it was lost anyway, since you didn't show us any reaction from the others. Would she even want to say that in front of her mother, who was, minutes ago, dissuading her from applying to the Library exactly on those grounds? 6. P. 10: "Most Ancestor magic use is nearly forbidden, unless used for a ‘noble cause’ whatever that is." On this I am with Mastodon. really intrigued to see what is forbidden and how Zo's father still manages to use his magic, what exactly he does. 7. Really loved the ending - how Ryn and Zo strike a bond and the promise of adventure and trouble. Really good dialogue there as well. Summing up, I really loved it - promises of intricate magic, intrigues and some cool friendships. Look forward to reading more of it.

Hi, Ace of Hearts! This is actually my first critique as part of Reading Excuses. So thank you for letting me read your novel! I enjoyed the beginning of Everlasting Sunset very much. It is intriguing. I can’t wait to learn more about the powers and plots in this universe and get more of the worldbuilding. I also enjoyed the characters – they are rather no-nonsense people (especially Ash), with youthful idealism and good potential for character dynamics. With that being said, I felt that at times some things or the atmosphere were slipping away from me. So here are some comments about that. The prologue. I have nothing against prologues. This one was very engaging. It also left enough mysteries (hope we’ll learn more about them as we go on). But I feel like it needs a bit more distilling – everything it needs is there, but I also had a feeling it was all over the place. I think the thing to concentrate on might be the purpose – is it about Galena’s guilt or the actions to be taken? Because Lilac only grunts in the end – she doesn’t exactly make any promises to act. Then the prologue ends with Galena submitting to his guilt and going to die. That’s fine – he is who he is, but that took me away from the crisis. All in all, I feel like it is just about making the messages stronger, because I like all the components – the intrigue of changing sex and that deciding who will be the emperor. Here are also a few line-by-line things that caught my attention: 1. Page 1, first paragraph – personal preference, I guess, but I felt the two names close together was too heavy; plus Galena (again for me) doesn’t sound like a male name, so I would try to rephrase the sentence – “His sister Lilac walked in as Galena was pacing….” 2. Page 1, “Lilac laughed and twirled around in her dress…” This Lilac’s behaviour looked rather childish and show-offy and personally for me it didn’t fit the whole premise (I understand she is young, but I couldn’t connect it to her first seeing her brother after five years. Was it like look at me how I’ve grown? Maybe, it’s because I don’t know her age – is she younger than Galena?). I feel like you wanted to show her joy and to remind of their kid’s years, but maybe something like an embrace would do the job better? It will definitely make him feel more guilty. 3. Page 1, “I can’t chat, Ly.” It felt a bit contradictory, because he came there to tell her things. Perhaps, you meant he didn’t want to digress. As the previous phrase of Lilac is cut off, it is hard to judge. Maybe rephrase it? 4. It is just a thought, but as I was reading I felt it could be really cool to introduce psionic abilities from the very first paragraph. It will probably require you to start just one moment earlier as Galena is expecting Lilac, but it can be very striking and it might portray his fears, anxiety and unsureness stronger than simply pacing. 5. Page 2, “Galena shrugged. “What matters is that I bought into it. I was looking for a way to test it out.” While reading this, I was asking myself whether he just wanted to test it or like challenge it. I think it is important to think of the language here, because it will also show Galena’s true attitude. How I saw it, he was desperate and very eager to stop his husband, and therefore I felt it required stronger language. 6. Page 4, paragraph 2, “If he could have seen the dangers but didn’t look, it meant he never cared enough to check.” I kept myself asking – could he or could he not. If-sentences are handy, but here it is hard to tell whether he is using this to blame himself or to acquit himself of the guilt. In my opinion, if you made it more categorical, it may fit better his and his sister’s reaction. 7. In general, I thought it would be nice to strengthen there the image of what kind of planet Galena left and has now come back to. The prologue doesn’t give an exact idea. There is ocean and islands; from the conversation it seems to be a very peaceful place. But even when it comes to where Lilac and Galena meet, I couldn’t say whether it was a hut on a beach or their family mansion or castle. Giving a bit more might help with creating the background – are they the source of these waters? Are they important in the galaxy? Are they far away? I know that’s a lot and we don’t need all of it, but just the place felt too obscure to me. Chapter 1. The steep learning curve promises a lot for this novel. As I said before, Ash’s personality appealed to me. And I love the hint that there might be a love story or at least a deep connection between Ash and Palladium. Here are a few line-by-line things that caught my attention. 1. Page 5, “It meant she didn’t need to feel bad about forgetting their names despite her mother’s gentle prodding.” I didn’t quite understand whose names – bureaucrats’? 2. Island Jacaranda – is it the same island as mentioned in Prologue? It’s not clear. 3. Page 6, paragraph 2: at first reading it confused me. It is clear from the previous paragraphs that something is not right with her wanting the defence job, though she was a soldier (already a contradiction in itself and intrigue as a result). Here she is not supposed to reveal she was a soldier, though every minister is a soldier in the past. And only then we find out that she is not supposed to remember that fact. It makes me wonder how in general they know that ministers are former soldiers if no one is supposed to remember? If that is explained later, I would still recommend to rephrase the paragraph and put it straight away that she wasn’t supposed to reveal she remembered she used to be a soldier. 4. Page 8, “I’ve been around over twenty years and most of them have existed for less than five.” This is a lie Ash gives about her age, but it still made me wonder, are there no records? How do they know who is minister and who is not? Couldn’t she pretend to still be a soldier then if there are no records of her age? Do people simply fall out of the Calamity Ocean and keep going? They should be found by someone if they are babies. Or is it Ash’s hope that no one looks into the records (as she says later – but if she is under some suspicion, shouldn’t they look into her records? Shouldn’t Ash be checking Magnolia for reaction whether she saw through her lies?) It took me some effort to get into the whole age and reincarnation thing, but on the other hand in the country with thousands of ministers, things should be properly documented. Magnolia’s presence there is a proof to that. And then Ash’s lies wouldn’t work. 5. Page 11, “Ash offered a numb nod. She should be ecstatic to find the real reason she volunteered to be a base overseer, but she never really expected him to be here. All she knew was that this time, she was going to save him.” I realise you probably meant that Ash didn’t mean to see him there on the beach, but the indefinite article before ‘base overseer’ made me wonder whether she volunteered for a specific base or a particular one, and if it was any base or she couldn’t choose, how could she be sure she was going to save the guy?

Hi Mandamon and thank you! Yes, I am. The world is too small

Hi everyone! I am new here. I've started collecting Sanderson's special editions since he began releasing the secret projects. My secret plan is to get to rereading and reading the lot when they all arrive. Your estimate - how long will it take me?