Little_Dagger she/her Posted February 27, 2023 Report Share Posted February 27, 2023 Hi everyone, This week I am submitting the prologue of my story. I have been putting off sending it out for a while because I suspect it will likely be tweaked a million times before I am done with the book, but the next chapter has a POV switch that requires the reader to be familiar with these events. So, here we go.... I am curious what you all think because it is very different from what you have seen before. Also, let me know what you think about the pacing here and the magic description. Thanks! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger_reckoning Posted March 1, 2023 Report Share Posted March 1, 2023 Well, this was definitely very interesting! And very different from what came before. It definitely puts a lot of things into context and gives a different impression of the world and what the story will be like. That being said, it runs into a lot of problems that are common for prologues (and that I myself ran into with my own prologues that i've tried to write myself) mainly that there are a lot of names and Very Important Things being thrown around, but it's kind of overwhelming all together, and while I can tell its supposed to be important, I just don't really feel connected to any of it. I think that the chapter 1 you submitted before was a more engaging and better hook to the story in general. The information in here I think would work better as something that the protagonists discover (namely, interplanetary spies and politics, as well as the magic) rather than something that's just given to us at the beginning. I actually think that very little extra foreshadowing would need to be added because we already know that something is different and magical about the T and everything else. Anyway, that's just my two cents. I also wasn't really connecting with all the different names of races and places, and probably would have a hard time remembering them all, even if I was reading this normally. Overall though, it's well-written and an interesting expansion to the world! I just think that the original chapter 1 would make a better opening, especially since those are the characters we will be following throughout most of the story. Thanks for sharing! P1 “slightly-rounded larger ears” this strikes me as being the wrong order for these adjectives. I think “larger, slightly-rounded” would sound better. Side note: like a mouse? Or a koala? “first tried on M” A little confused here. First tried them as in, he beat m up, or first used them as in M was a previous incarnation of this being? “Runic” interesting. This is something different from the other magic we’ve seen so far P2 “slightly taller” there’s been several instances now of “slightly” this or that. My advice would be to stop hedging and just say “tall” or from earlier “rounded ears” P3, end The text changes between two different fonts here for some reason, just fyi Also, I’m guessing that the ball is invisible to normal people? Might want to specify if that’s the case or not so the reader knows whether or not someone seeing the ball is a danger to A P4 “pale-gray” doesn’t need to be hyphenated. “most people did the opposite” not sure what the opposite would be in this case P5 I really have no idea what they are talking about “fastest blitzkrieg” okay, this gives me some sense of what they are talking about Ah, interesting that the t use this runic magic, apparently. I actually think that this information shouldn’t be here if this is indeed a prologue. I’ll talk more about it in the general notes P7 “intruder alert” I don’t think anyone would actually say “alert”, that just makes him seem like a robot haha. I think just “intruder!” would get the point across P10 “spitted fire” I think should be “spat fire” “D” I assumed that he was another presence since A said he was moving supernaturally fast, and I assumed A also knew that the other one was a presence as well. His surprise here is a little confusing P11 “we kept minimal stuff” I think should be “staff” Hmm well that is interesting! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted March 2, 2023 Report Share Posted March 2, 2023 8 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said: That being said, it runs into a lot of problems that are common for prologues (and that I myself ran into with my own prologues that i've tried to write myself) mainly that there are a lot of names and Very Important Things being thrown around, but it's kind of overwhelming all together, and while I can tell its supposed to be important, I just don't really feel connected to any of it. I think that the chapter 1 you submitted before was a more engaging and better hook to the story in general. The information in here I think would work better as something that the protagonists discover (namely, interplanetary spies and politics, as well as the magic) rather than something that's just given to us at the beginning. I actually think that very little extra foreshadowing would need to be added because we already know that something is different and magical about the T and everything else. I 100% agree with @ginger_reckoning. I read this prologue, and then re-read parts of it, and just get bogged down in names and Very Important Things that I don't care about. I'm still not even sure what important information our MC got. Without being invested in any of the characters or the world, none of this registers for me. I'd much prefer they discover it than get it this way. Prologues very rarely work and a lot of agents flat out won't accept them in queries anymore. Your story is likely better served without this. It is very well written though. As I go - I'd like a description of what average height, etc. look like. I can't picture anything - pg 3: there's good pacing and world building through these pages - pg 5: and that no suspicious figures <-- what would make someone suspicious in this setting? - pg 5: a lot of redundancy on straight backs throughout these pages - it's page 6 and I'd like to know what our MC's purpose is by now - pg 8: wobbling as a toddler's milk tooth. <-- ?? Toddlers don't lose teeth. They're growing teeth. Kids don't usually lose teeth until kinder at the earliest - pg 10: I'm still unsure what the MC's purpose is - ...what did he learn? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted March 2, 2023 Report Share Posted March 2, 2023 Ooh, prologue! Excited to check it out. Overall: I think the solid foundation here is that I am engaged with the bits we get of A as a person, being a shapeshifter military spy. Unfortunately, I was confused by many key points of the chapter (see LBLs below) and it didn’t feel like anything actually happened until D attacked. We get hints of A’s connection with D and how their race fits into the universe, which to me is a more interesting point to expand on compared to the military. Another point here is that for a spy, it didn’t feel like A had a plan or was under any sort of real pressure. The story tells us that it’s crucial for him to be here now with the political situation, but we need to know what he’s actually doing and how is plan is progressing for it to stick. As I go: Pg 1. The first line catches my attention but the rest of the page doesn’t tune me into the character conflict in the way that I want it to Pg 2. I’m trying to remember if other planets are a known thing or if A is the equivalent of an alien. Either way, might be nice to have more clarity here since it’s the prologue Pg 4. At this point I’m having trouble knowing what I’m supposed to focus on for the plot Pg 5-6. I’m having trouble seeing why this meeting is important. If they actually go through with the plan in the rest of the chapter it might be best to drop them into it right away Pg 7. Okay planet hopping is a known thing -I get that it’s sudden for A too but this feels too sudden for me. It’s important that I trust the story to have a plot where events flow into each other instead of seemingly happening randomly Pg 9-10. I’m also not really following what’s happening here. Pg 11. Bit late in the chapter to introduce a character hook, though I am more engaged by it than the pure military stuff Pg 12. I don’t get why seeing D prompts them to kill all the soldiers at the base 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Dagger she/her Posted March 2, 2023 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2023 Thank you everyone for your thoughts! Hmmm... if only the Very Important Things were not Important, haha. I think at his point I will focus on finishing the main story and then will come back to the prologue to see what absolutely needs to stay and what can go. On 3/1/2023 at 9:44 PM, ginger_reckoning said: Side note: like a mouse? Or a koala? “first tried on M” A little confused here. First tried them as in, he beat m up, or first used them as in M was a previous incarnation of this being? First comment: certainly not Koala large! In my head, just a little bigger than an ordinary human's. Second comment: Maldo is a planet, but I can see it can be confusing, thanks! On 3/1/2023 at 9:44 PM, ginger_reckoning said: The text changes between two different fonts here for some reason, just fyi That happens each time the narration switches to the Presence. There will be moments when there are several Presences, so I change the font to help the reader jump between them. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon he/him Posted March 4, 2023 Report Share Posted March 4, 2023 I agree with @kais and @ginger_reckoning on this one. There's way too much going on in this prologue that isn't useful to the rest of the story so far. I couldn't keep track of the names or events, and I feel like if I read this first I'd be very confused going into the rest of the story afterward, wondering where any of these people were. I'm interested to see what's in the next chapter that requires this, and whether this could be introduced in the progression of the story, rather than requiring a prologue. Notes while reading: pg 2: I had to check which book I was reading. This is a LOT different than anything in the other submissions. pg 4: This is interesting, but I'm not recognizing anything from any of the other submissions... pg 5: wait...is the Presence supposed to be in a different font? I thought it was just an error. If so, I'd use something else to distinguish it. pg 6: There's a lot going on here. I'm having a little trouble following for the military plans and the A's story, and I'm also wondering how this connects at all with the rest of the story I've read. pg 6: "They were a race of Runic artists without quite knowing it." --Ahh. Here's the connection. I still don't really understand enough of the world after 5 chapters to understand how all this plays in, however. pg 7: "He had to get the Presence out." --I thought this was a telepathic connection or something, but it seems to be a physical thing to? I'm not really sure what it is. pg 7: "it would be as simple as following the length of a hair to find a skull." --Usually if I find a hair, it's not still attached... pg 13: So this was a cool intro, but it seems like a completely different story. So much so I wonder if this prologue is necessary? Or if things get into this later on, could they just come up in natural progression? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy Lim Posted March 4, 2023 Report Share Posted March 4, 2023 So I've been reading too many of these stories now and I ended up thinking this was the beginning to the one story where the father gets assassinated in the first chapter, because I didn't recall your story mentioning any other worlds. I had to actually go back and look at your previous chapters. I liked the set up and the action, but there was way too many strange names and worlds, and big reveals I knew were supposed to be shocking, but there was not context for it. If you really want this set up for your book think about ways you could really integrate this into the rest of the book. There's probably a way, but it will take a lot of work. Page 1 The slightly-rounded larger ears common on I were hiding underneath a flat military beret, and the toned elastic muscles he had first tried on M were rippling beneath the uniform. Both were quite helpful in getting a reputation of a trained soldier and rising up the local army ranks. --- took me a couple times reading this to get the visual Page 2 Not that it mattered; rule seven dictated that personal views of A were to have little to do with their actions. --- whose an A? The narrator or the soldiers. I didn't get that at first. Page 5 If asked to close those eyes for a second, T the F, would surely be able to describe every crease on his companions' shirts and recite what each one ever said or likely thought in his proximity. --Who would do what? So are we in T's POV? It was confusing. N wood--- this is the point where my brain went- "stop! Stop too much, I can't process anymore!" Must be quite a larynx.-- really interesting way to do a voice description. I'm not sure if I like it or not. Page 6 He knew it well. I. ---Oh I feel like I should be gasping and saying "OH NO!" but I don't even know where I is so I'm like- meh? Page 10 a wall and looked it. --- I had a hard time tracking the description of this chase. Page 12 The intruder was gone. The little army headed by the Seconds around the corner were the only other bodies, living or dead, remaining in the corridor. -- wait, did they shoot their own people in the chase? I like what's going on here, it seems very thriller-esque, but it feels like something from the middle of the novel where we know more about these planets and the players involved so we could really care about the information A is learning. I know you want to set up that I is about to be attacked, but the first few chapters don't even hint at any such thing. Maybe this would be great somewhere after we get to know the characters and then it would be a- OH NO! It's been 6 years and that attack is supposed to be happening TODAY! EEEK! I really like what this is setting up, but it seems to be so disconnected from the rest of the story. I hope you can find a way to make it work! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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