Hubay

Thanks for the feedback. In this chapter I'm trying to show how people see Duko by contrasting his and her POV's. People either hate or fear him, depending on how 'confident' they feel (if they think they can take duko in a fight, they'll be more combative, and if they think he can over-power them, they'll be terrified). So I'm trying to hint at that, but I get the feeling that there's some unintended consequences with Lisu's characterization. I'll try to make her seem more reasonable in my re-write.

Hey all, this was supposed to come in last week, and it completely slipped my mind. Here we introduce my last POV character, Duko. I know there were a few points about how similar my names are, and I intend to change that later on. Right now, though, This is how I think of my characters, so I don't want to switch their names up. Anyways, lemme know what you think. Duko's a bit problematic because his defining "magic" makes everyone hate or fear him. So he's not exactly happy with his lot in life, but I'm determined to make him as little angsty as possible. Lord Domestic, Ch.2 (Lisu/Duko) – (L,V,S) Summary: Lisu Carsada, a ivy-metsi (she can run up walls) and a freed Druyan slave, flees a group of legionaries who try to conscript her. Worried the imperial Legion is hunting her, Lisu turns to Duko to hide her "scent."

Hey! We've missed you around here. I've read all of your last run through C&F except the prologue (if you had one last time around?), and if anything this prologue makes me even more confused over what your world is like. You've given us three very different settings, between this, the desert, and the city. I think that's alright, though, since your story seems to be set pretty far back in time and there would be a lot of variety between nomadic and settled people. Anyways, I liked this and it hinted at some pretty interesting possibilities. You still seem to awkwardly alternate between flowery descriptions and sharp actions, but it's a lot smoother than I remember. You've definitely improved. My major gripes are with how you're withholding information. I get that you don't want to explain everything right away, and you want to pique the readers interest, but a few of your protagonist's thoughts are too cryptic; you're calling attention to it. I don't think you need to give us any more information, or add any exposition, just be a little more subtle in not telling us about the past. Does that make sense? Anyways, I'm looking forward to reading your submissions once again.

I've got one for tomorrow (looks like there's still room). And I promise to start critiquing again soon! It's my last semester and I've been very busy with thesis.

I think you've got an interesting story here, but right now you're focusing on waaay to much backstory. There are three solid infodumps for both Heinrich and Keth; hearing the exposition almost entirely through their thoughts makes it even clunkier. They both have interesting backstories, and the conflict between their motivations and world-views has a lot of potential. But I think if you want to explain who they are, what lies in their past, you need to do it either more slowly, or with the help of another character. Getting all the facts right from your two POV's really slows down the flow.

Hey everyone! There's a lot of new faces since the last time I posted in my novel, so I thought I'd change things up and post a chapter at the start of the novel, only with a diffent POV. I've got most of Jhuz's storyline taken care of by now, so I might as well focus on Lisu and Duko, anyways. Chronologically this takes place at more or less the same time as Chapter 1 in Jhuz's story, but while Jhuz is located in the northern reaches of the empire, Lisu's set in the Imperial capital, Matis. Lisu's familiar is Ivy, which allows her to walk on walls, so there's some unavoidable parallels with her ability and a certain Shin assassin. Hopefully it doesn't seem too similar. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it! Lord Domestic – Ch1 (Lisu) –[L,V,S,] Lisu Carsada, a Druyan and Ivy-metsi, is forced on the run when the Imperial Legion tries to enlist her.

Welp, I got a good buffer of chapters done over break, hopefully I can keep writing now that school's back in session. I've got a chapter for next monday ready, finally.

I've always been interested in how reading names and topics really messes with our interpretation of forum threads, since we can't read into vocal tone and we have to make up our own pronunciation for names and words we haven't seen before. I feel like some of the more esoteric usernames can have a dozen different ways of pronunciation, and I'm always curious as to what the actual member wants to be called. I think this is especially understandable for fantasy fans, since we're always reading "exotic" word and names we have noooo idea how to say outloud. The perfect example is WoT's Egwene and Nynaeve (seriously, would anyone know how to say those if there wasn't a glossary?). I thought it was eg-WEAN up until book 8 or so, when I realized her name was supposed to resemble Guinevere. And I think half my friends said Hermione wrong until the movies came out. So how do you say your forum name? (and why did you pick it?) Mine's pronounced hoo-BAY. A lot of people in other forums have thought it was pronounced hubbie, like the slang for husband. It comes from a nickname I picked up in high school; no-one's ever been able to say my last name right (it's Hueben) and this was one of the funnier pronunciations so it just caught on.

So anyone who follows dan's twitter and/or blog will have noticed he just sold the audiobook rights to Night of Blacker Darkness, which is awesome but unfortunately means the ebook is out of commission for the next six months. I'd been planning on getting the ebook for my friend's birthday next week, because he likes vampires, enjoyed the serial killer trilogy, and gets a kick out of satire/madcap humor (in short, it's perfect for him). While the news is great for dan and I'm happy for him, I'm not sure if an audiobook would make a good present. See, I've never listened to one, and I'm pretty sure my friend hasn't either. So while I'm sure some people love audiobooks, I don't know if it's his cup of tea. What do you guys think? is it ok to buy an audiobook for someone who has never listened to one and might potentially not enjoy them? Any advice would be appreciated.

Would it be possible to get a sort of "finders fee" bonus for redirecting customer's to inkwing or badali? You could create a forum thread devoted to brandon merchandise (is there one already?) and get a small royalty for every purchase made from a 17th sharder.

^lol. I'm not going to get AoL until the weekend, so I can give a short critique. I enjoyed how your weapons and zeppelins are retrofitted or whatever you'd call it. The bits you've explained about gods is interesting, and right now I'm wondering if Earth is special from the get-go, as if it's always been special even before the betrayal, or if it's special because of the betrayal. Earth is clearly important to the other gods, and the short bit you mentioned about the human god being a betrayer makes me wonder if they want to come to earth out of greed or out of revenge. Other than that, I'm mostly interested in how the crystals work. We've seen crystals in the sequence where Jimbo traveled through Outside, and from what I remember, someone said something to the effect of kyle's hand turning crystal weakened the goddess. I'm wondering if it's Earth's goddess, and if the crystal and it's ability to kill outsiders has something to do with the betrayal. All in all you've got a lot of interesting information to process, and you've been good about avoiding excessive exposition – though I'd caution against doing too many "not now, there's no time to explain!" bits. Along the same vein, while i appreciate the diversity in your monsters and outsiders' design, eventually I think your style of introducing new outsiders might get old. Everytime jimbo or kyle meets a new kind, their initial reaction is just "what the hell?" I get it's still the first few chapters, and so far your introductions are maintaining a sense of wonder. I just think after a few days of insanity, the surprise would start to lose it's edge.

Whew. That took longer than i thought. I think it's worth it though. I'm pretty happy with the story and it served as a good break from Lord Domestic. My main concern here is with the tone. The story itself needs some polish, I think, and I plan to edit it a great deal. What I want to know is how this comes off. I try to be funny for a lot of it, which is always a risk, and then the end changes tone a bit. I want to see how successful I am, and if any parts seem like they're trying to hard. November 7 - Hubay : Protocol (L~,V~ This is a YA story) - 4,500 words A robot designed to work on an air-filtering platform develops an environmental conscience. Let me know what you think!

Hey guys, sorry I didn't submit this week. Something came up with my family and I had to run back home for a couple of days. Nothing terrible, but it was more important than my short story. I'll just submit for this monday instead.

Another update (so you don't think we forgot). I sent Mike the new versions, which will hopefully work. I'm sure it will take a little more fine-tuning, but we're getting there.

Well, I've been having a bit of writer's block this last month. I've only got a few more chapters for Jhuz's story, and I keep second-guessing myself because I'm worried it's not turning out right. Bleh. Anyways, in the meantime I wrote a short story. I'm pretty happy with it, but it's a little longer than the average submission. If there's room next Monday, I'd like to submit it.

Thanks for all the feedback. I'm still not sure what's the best way to handle Jhuz's memory and the geas. Essentially he's been brainwashed; otherwise he would really hate the emperor and the chell. Except unlike most stories with a brainwashing plot device, a geas isn't something he can 'beat.' Unless Grishka decides to remove the geas, it's not going away. I tried to hint at this earlier – the big clue would have been when he signed his letter Jhuz: Thrall, Chell Grishka – but i might not have brought it up enough to be noticeable. On the re-write I might try showing what grishka says to Hex, and then denote it with italics so readers can tell it's not remembered. It's mostly preparation for the upcoming battle back at camp. What do you guys think about that?

An update: I gave Mike the illustrator file, but there was a miscommunication; he could only work with fill and the letters I made were all stroke (this makes sense if you speak adobe). So I'm going to try to make the letters again, but it will take a little longer. I might first try making the font with the inside of the letters filled in; that will be a lot easier, even though it won't look like the characters we've seen in the books. But once I've got that down i'll clean out the insides and we'll see how it looks. Using fill instead of stroke means the lines might be a little thicker, but I'll try my best to keep them thin and brush-stroke-ish.

Not much to say in addition to the other comments. I thought the president bit was heavy-handed as well, I still feel like there would be a delegate in charge of explaining that. I get a big "men in black" vibe from the whole the setup, and I would consider lampshading it; i.e. have someone make a crack about how it's like the movie. That might be cheesy, I don't know, but it's worth considering.

It's good to be back. This chapter is the last of Jhuz's "away from home" chapters; in the next one he returns to camp. The bit with Duko will probably seem strange, but otherwise this is a fairly short chapter to provide a transition back from being a captive and to show Jhuz slowly warm up to hex – even if it's just a tiny bit. Duko is my 3rd POV chapter, and Jhuz's reaction to him will provide a strong contrast to how Lisu reacts when she meets him in act 1. I know my 1 character at a time thing is getting confusing, but bear with me. Hubay – Lord Domestic – Ch18 (L, V) Summary Jhuz has just narrowly escaped from the Nothroi Camp, and his former captor Hex is now in his service. Ch18– Jhuz and Hex follow up with Grishka, and run into Duko.

Edit: I guess I can't upload Illustrator files? The uploader reads "Error: you aren't permitted to upload this kind of file." It's also possible the file is too big, graphic files usually do that. Would it be possible for a mod to make an exception so everyone can access it? Otherwise I can just email it to anyone interested. Here you go! It's not perfect, partially because of the file resolution I used, and partially because I don't know the letters are drawn, so I wasn't sure where to start when drawing these. Still, if you don't make the characters large than, say, 48 pts, they should work just fine. If anyone else is familiar with illustrator, feel free to embellish or finesse this. So 2 questions for Peter: 1: Is it ok that we're creating this font? Someone above mentioned "purchasing" it at a later date, and I wouldn't want to be infringing on a potential product/ intellectual property here. 2: Do you know how an alethi scribe would write these letters? That is, where would they start their pen? Some of the larger letters seem like they would require some hand-backtracking, so I feel like writing this language wouldn't be as smooth or linear as writing english in cursive. Also, is the midline usually there before the characters or is drawn in at the same time? ~~ Incidentally, this font reminds me a lot of the one in the Name of the Wind, in that they both are purely sound based. I guess there wouldn't be homonyms in Alethi – pair and pear (if they have pears) would have to be spelled the same way.

Alright. I can probably finish that by tomorrow night. Are the letters on Zas678's file the only known characters? What about punctuation, etc?

My vector-fu is strong. If you'd like I can probably make some this weekend and post them up. Would you prefer one illustrator file with all letters within or an individual file for each character?

Unless you ask for it, we probably won't do line-level edits or copy changes. Normally you just post a thread in the forum with a short description and a qualifies for any L, V, or S, your work might contain. Then we give broader critique of the story, characters, etc. in the replies.

Whew. It's been a busy month, what with the computer troubles, school starting up again, and me getting extra duties at my job... I haven't written as much as I'd like. I was hoping to get Jhuz's storyline done by the end of september, but now I'm shooting to get it done before November so I have time for NanoWrimo. Anyways. I'd like to submit for next monday (the 10th).

I'll echo the comments above – your epigraphs are interesting, and it makes me curious to find out who wrote them, because the voice is so off of jimbo and kyle's. The fall is too long and there are too many "I'm going to die ... huh, that didn't hurt at all." The world is interesting and the fauna appropriately bizarre. My only beef, and this could be a personal issue, is the reoccurring "i must be on drugs" bit. It's funny, and the parallels of the cage and prison are interesting. But we the readers understand this is a SFF story, and that Jimbo did, in fact, fall into the pit. We know Jimbo's wrong, and we're waiting for him to figure it out and start interacting with the world he's now stuck in. Thinking he's on drugs does make sense, given his character, but it probably shouldn't last much longer or you'll start to frustrate readers. ~~~ As as side note, isn't replicant a MegaMan term?