Hubay

I agree with Cj that the peeing on the car seemed a little out of character, even with the very small amount of his character we see of Jimbo. He doesn't like the sherrif, but he doesn't seem mean, just down on his luck. For a down on his luck character to work, in my opinion, he shouldn't make mean decisions – only stupid ones. Other than that, it was a very good start. there seem to be distinct voices for your characters, and your characterization itself was established very early on. you also did a good job of providing a good chunk of questions early on for what's going on your world, and very few were explained. I like a good learning curve, and in urban fantasy finding out how the world works if half the draw, so I think you made some good decisions. The prose itself flowed well, for the most part, though some of your characters' internal dialogue seems clunky and awkward. I know you intend to do a good deal of editing; i would just make sure to pay attention to characters' thoughts to make sure they seem natural.

Aaaaaand I'm back! It was 'just' the logic board after all, so bad but not computer-breaking. I've still got all my files, but thanks a lot for helping me out anyways. Now that I'm back in business, I'll get around to critiquing everyone as soon as I can.

I don't have a book near me, so this might be confusing. I think the man in bridge 4 who knows about the radiants used to be a ghostblood; I think the ghostbloods are the people trying to bring back that order. Think about the name 'ghostblood' itself. It sounds ominous and evil, which is always good, but I don't think brandon would make up name for no reason. They're the last remnant of a dead order, the blood of ghosts, so to speak. I can see the ghostbloods being halfway between evil secret society and good secret society. They use the idea of bringing the radiants back as a justificAtion for their actions, and probably lot of their members believe strongly in the nobility of their cause. But they also do some pretty terrible things in the name of the cause, and the leaders might only be in it for the power, both in the literal power of the knights radiant and in the symbolic and social power that office contains. In would also explain why they know so much about using fabrics and soulcasting.

Someone above suggested that the only thing odium may or may not hate is himself. This got me thinking - what if he does hate himself? It would create a much more interesting character for brandon to explore, instead of just 'always chaotic evil.' He did this with ruin, who justified his existence as natural and essential to the continuous flow of life. Ruin was a very simple character, in that he just wanted to destroy everything, but the few conversations he had with vin explaining himself made up for that. If odium hates himself - and everything else - his motivations and decisions will be more skewed and irrational, and ultimately his character will be more interesting.

Hey all, sorry I haven't been that active the last few weeks. I had my computer back at the apple store getting 'fixed.' Mostly, they were just diagnosing the problem, or putting off the problem, or ... I don't really know what they did, honestly, since it was out for a week and it still doesn't work. Bleh. Anyways, the two likely culprits are a logic board failure (really bad) or a hard drive failure (really bad) and until the problem is fixed I can't even turn my computer on. If it is a hard drive failure, I won't be able to access most of my writing; I do back it up but I won't be able to access the files I use beause they're in a Scrivener format and I need scrivener to open them. If one of the older members (Asmodemon, akoebel or even the mods) still have all my documents on file, I'd really appreciate it if you could email them back to me. My email's [email protected] Thanks!

I want wins. Lots of 'em. A whole barrel full of wins.

Thanks for the feedback. Good point about Hex staying invisible once the bindings break. I thought it would be a good image, having him hanging from Jhuz, but you're right that he'd stay invisible. I should probably explain how hex's invisible metsi works a little better, but the reason he's bound and not carried is because of how close he has to be to something to make it invisible as well. He can usually hide his clothes and maybe a backpack because of how he thinks about something being attached to himself, instead of something just being carried.

I had a lot of fun reading this. It's very pulpy, if you don't mind me describing it as that, and your voice and character dialogue support that. Not entirely unlike, say, Monster Hunter Itnl. Watch your superlatives and crazy qualifiers, however; they work towards the overall feel/voice you're going for, but I still think you're a little too over-the-top. Your powers were pretty cool; I've always enjoyed 'magic' systems that rely on energy from ambient heat. However, I have to wonder why your MC can't just drain heat out of the air. It would make the room colder, obviously, but why would that be different from absorbing fire? I also thought you did a good an quick job giving us an idea of what boost are with the overboosted monsters, without bogging us down in any real details or explaining how they 'work.' Your villain did seem a bit silly and pointless, like he was destined to fail. I would have liked to see a little more originality there than just 'crazy evil villain watching heroes fight through his security room with all the cameras.' I get that he's only there for a chapter, but still. Lastly, I felt like you introduced the 'mysterious device' bit awkwardly. I get that this also isn't going to be relevant past the chapter, but the wording you used just didn't seem realistic as something people would tell their trained operatives. It also didn't sound like the way most people think, so to be blunt it just sounded like you didn't want to spend the time coming up with an actual device because you knew it was going to be a throwaway anyways. Just adding a little more depth there will make your character and world seem more believable.

I liked the sparring bit, though I felt like Rane should have offered more of a goodbye. I also think at some point Albione should at least contemplate leaving the priesthood. He probably doesn't think he should, and I'm sure your god-heavy world has consequences, but we don't know that. So I think it would help a lot if we just heard him think 'well, I guess I could just leave/run away, but ...". It would help explain your gods and temples a little more, at the very least, and make his character seem more nuanced. I'm a little skeptical of the economics involved in covering the chapel with gold and diamonds. I get that they should seem excessive, but the extent to which you described them seems ludicrous. Where did all the money come from, and why did the temple think it was worthwhile for just a village stop? If you want to keep them that exessive, you should at least put a lampshade on it and have Albione ask "Huh. where the heck did all that come from?" Otherwise, I liked the progress in this chapter, and I thought the griffin fight was well done.

This one's a direct follow-up to the last chapter. It's almost entirely action, which has kind of been absent the last few chapters. I'd like to know how dangerous Jhuz's situation feels. He's very much a powerhouse courtesy of his metsi, but I don't want him to feel invincible. As a sort of counter to that, I don't always have Jhuz make the best decision – in this case, the way he was bound to Hex wasn't the best way to handle the situation. This isn't a 'he's an idiot' thing so much as an idea I want to have reoccur throughout my story. I feel like in a lot of heroic fiction – fantasy or otherwise – the hero never has bad ideas. I mean, he might make the wrong choice in a moral or judgement situation, but I usually don't think you see him make a poor plan that often. Jhuz is good at planning, and he's very good at delegating. But when he makes a split second decision, and doesn't have time to think it out, it isn't always the best way to handle a situation. I think this is true for nearly everyone: grace under fire is nice and all, but it doesn't always exist. Anyways. Let me know what you think. That outlook might make sense from a philosophical sense, but it might not be the best of storytelling. Aug 30 – Hubay – Lord Domestic ch17 (L, V, S) Summary: Jhuz just had a startling and revealing confrontation with the Chell, and as consequence now has Hex working for him on contract. Ch17: Jhuz has to escape the Nothroi Camp

I liked that the chapter was from omnk's POV, since he was absent the last time. It would have like to know it was his POV in the first paragraph, though. I enjoy his character – he's a nice counterpoint to ciera – and I was interested to see more about what constitutes his 'body' and what his limits are in this chapter. I thought the 'trouble' ciera caused was insignificant and I didn't see what her 'woman's trick' was, except telling the man he'd get off easy if he let her out. Not eating seemed more petulant than defiant, and her attempt at escape was halfhearted, at best. It was nice to see ciera act out a little more than she normally does; I just think she could have done better. Threaten them with her sister's name, for instance, although if that's not a thing you want to reveal yet you could just have her say : "my sister's powerful, she'll have you hung for this." If you actually want her attempts to be weak, thats fine; it fits with what we've seen of her character socially so far. If you do that, though, you should have Omnk realize that she's not good at this, instead of just encouraging her. I liked the cryptography bit. It wasn't overly wordy, and you used the dialogue excellently to introduce the problem. I know very little about code-breaking – except a little bit from doing the occasional cryptoquip (it's a newspaper puzzle) but I got what was going on pretty quickly. the only thing you could have added was when you said 'patterns,' elaborate to say "you know, common words like 'the' or 'it.'"

I enjoyed seeing a chapter from Rosen's perspective; I never got the chance to on the last read through because I joined too late. If I remember correctly I liked the way you describe his skin protecting him. I'm curious if it will re-harden or not. I think it would have been nice to have Orchid say a something instead of just turning off the lights and attacking. Some reference to old times, or an attempt to get him to give up? Otherwise, the action was smooth and it was a good start to the book. I'm hoping you tweak the "stupid/evil empire wakes up ancient evil for their own gain and then it backfires" plot a little – but I believe the awakening happens much earlier than your average tale so that's probably fine. Lastly, is their a a reason for all the flowers? In-world, I mean. I get that as a stylistic thing it's kind of cool that your world is all about thorns and flowers and whatnot, I'm just wondering if your characters – named and naming things after flowers – know why that is.

Thanks for the feedback, both of you! If it help clear things up a little, Grishka is not a 'bad' chell, persay, so the reason he explained things was because he thought Jhuz deserved a tiny bit of the truth. He also wants Hex to know about the geas because Jhuz will obviously forget. He does look at humans as a kind of animal by this point, but he still wants to be nice to them. The Palehands – the bad guys here – are monsters. There's a specific reason why they're as cruel as they are, but I won't get into that in Jhuz's storyline. They're using the debate as a pretense to just cause a lot of destruction. They want the other faction – the one that thinks humanity needs to be ruled – to win, but they aren't actually part of it. So they're more than happy with cheating at the argument by causing wanton death and destruction. I'll try to make the good/evil more obvious; I think that will make their actions make more sense.

Well, It's possible I'll be ready by then. I've been working on my next chapter this week but it's not quite done. The whole switch through me off. If there's room, there's a good chance I'll be ready, but if we have a full load of 7 again just put me off til next week.

I know you said this was a short story, but are you intending to follow up on it? I felt the ending, while it had closure, was very incomplete. If you don't intend to expand upon it, maybe you should create a more full circle of his character arch? Something where – depending on death's moral system – he comes to terms with the fact that he cannot kill the murderers he hates? I'm not sure what's necessary, just that right now it seems unfinished. That said, I enjoyed the story quite a bit, and I liked your idea of the god of death. I'd be interested to see this expanded upon in greater detail. I'm curious what the apostles do to murderers, since killing them seems counter-intuitive. The only other things that bugged be were your use of the world 'soul' and the flashback. I feel like your character might not think of himself, while dead, as being a 'soul.' I felt he might just think of himself as himself, and not think to make that distinction expect in an abstract sort of way. The flashback bothered me because it was sudden and had no foreshadowing - and the voice sounded different than the rest of the story. Either the way you present it should be differently – as a discussion in dialogue or perhaps shown a little more by Astar instead of being remembered – or else you should hint at his history earlier. Instead of 'remember why you are doing this' be a little more obvious and say 'remember your parents' or 'remember the death you have seen in life.' Otherwise, I liked the ideas presented in the story.

Hey, glad to see you switched over too! It would have been strange to see the 'what are you reading right now' thread without you posting a new book every few days, hehe.

It occurs to me that I have one of the longer running stories in circulation at the moment. With the increase in new RE members and the switch from TWG, I thought it might be a good idea to summarize my story up to this point. I'm drawing near the close, soon, but there's at least 6 more chapters coming. Here's a basic summary of my world, if not the plot. Magic: All power comes from familiars. In matisu the practice of using one's familiar for power is known as Metsi. Men take animal familiars, and women take plant familiars. Everyone has a familiar, but not everyone has the same metsi. Commetsi – the most common metsi, this allows humans to speak with their familiar. Unfortunately, most animals are too unintelligent for this to have much value. Women get a better use out of it as they can get a general sort of awareness from any living plants in their vicinity – useful for spying. Dommetsi – The ability to command one's familiar, or other animals/plants of that species. Usefulness depends on what kind of familiar you have, of course. Women can use it to make plants – and certain types of plant matter, like wood - contract or expand. Manimetsi/Altimetsi – the ability to manipulate the living flesh or fibers of your familiar's species. Can be used to heal, kill, or control, to some extent. Also allows you to extract food-stuffs out of an organism without killing it. Potemetsi – the rarest and most powerful metsi, this skill allows you to draw strength from your familiar. Bird-metsi fly, ivy-metsi walk on walls, porcupine-metsi can shoot quills out of their body – you get the idea. These people tend to be the movers and shakers of the world Ommetsi - Rarer than potemetsi, but not by much (most potemetsi are ommetsi), this means you get all 4 metsi at your disposal. Most people only get 1. Often drafted into the military. World: Most of the story revolves around Matis, a Rome-esque empire that is approaching its Fall. The Nothroi, 'barbarians' from the north, have attacked and have yet to be defeated. It doesn't help that the Chell, supernal entities with human familiars, have decided to punish the Empire for reasons unknown. Characters: Jhuz – Eagle-metsi and the son of a noble who rebelled, he's been forced to serve in the Imperial Legion to drive back the Nothroi attackers. Unfortunately, Imperial law forbids him to fight, and he finds himself more of a mascot than a warrior. Ezlio – Porcupine-metsi and part of the imperial bodyguard known as the Praefectori. He's seen general after general die to the Chell, and is helpless to protect them. Zaisha – Briar-metsi and leader of the Immunes, the support division of the Legion. Brilliantly capable of combining female florametsi with military technology. Lexio – Jackal-metsi and former raider, now pressed into Imperial service in the Legion. Jhuz and co. fear he means to start a mutiny. Lisu – Ivy-metsi and part of the captured and enslaved Druyan culture. Fiercely hates the Empire, and on the run from the Legion from evading the draft. (POV character, has no chapters yet) Duko – The most hated man in all the empire, Duko is the one human anyone's ever seen without a familiar – because he killed it. (POV character, has no chapters yet)

Hello! As I just switched over from TWG, I thought I'd just say hi here instead of taking up space with another thread. I used TWG mostly because I'm part of reading excuses, but I also enjoyed the 'books' forum and occasionally posting the random cosmere theory. The book I'm writing is called Lord Domestic and is only a third of the way done. In real life I graphic design/photograph, and am teaching myself how to web design. After Mr. Sanderson my favorite books out there are written by Adrian Tchaikovsky (speaking of which, are the gents from Elitist active on the forum?). I'm sure I'll be seeing a lot of familiar faces out there (I already recognize Eerongal, of course), but I'm glad to meet all the new ones, too! Edit: As a side note, I'm now following a ton of you on twitter. Started by just following 17th shard, but then I got carried away when I saw familiar names.

Hey all, if I remember correctly my big concern with this chapter was that the exposition not seem excessive, unrealistic, or too sudden. It's 3000 words (L,V, S), and is all about Jhuz finally meeting the Chell. Enjoy! Edit: If anyone else has a critique for this, I'm just curious – do the Chell's motivations make sense? If they don't quite yet, are you willing to wait a little longer to see if they do? They're very old, and they have a lot of power over humanity, and that affects their decision making process quite a bit. There's a little more to it than that – it's related to how Chell are Chell – but that's very much a RAFO at this point.

Congrats Chaos! My biggest regret is that I'll never level up on TWG's system enough to reach GOD. I wanted to reach god.