I love this one

This is so good. I relate to this so much.

5 hours ago, Through the Living Mist said:

I love this one

4 hours ago, Through The Living Grass said:

This is so good. I relate to this so much.

Thank you both. I was swinging, and just felt the need to write it down.

It STEMs (heh) from always feeling joy in math and sciences (STEM stuff) (Especially Data Science, Coding and Spreadsheets) and also being a very creative person who likes to write and make stories.

I always like to say my sister inherited my dad's creative capabilities (my dad was a scriptwriter, my sister is also a writer) and I inherited my mom's coding brain (My mom is a data scientist, I love coding), but as the year went on, I began to see this as flawed. My sister showed an interest in coding and spreadsheets, and I began writing poetry and stories. Maybe we both inherited both, after all.

2 minutes ago, Through The Living Coder said:

Thank you both. I was swinging, and just felt the need to write it down.

It STEMs (heh) from always feeling joy in math and sciences (STEM stuff) (Especially Data Science, Coding and Spreadsheets) and also being a very creative person who likes to write and make stories.

I always like to say my sister inherited my dad's creative capabilities (my dad was a scriptwriter, my sister is also a writer) and I inherited my mom's coding brain (My mom is a data scientist, I love coding), but as the year went on, I began to see this as flawed. My sister showed an interest in coding and spreadsheets, and I began writing poetry and stories. Maybe we both inherited both, after all.

Oh. Yeah i view it as an absolute masterpiece of a poem about internal conflict, specifically in my case i relate it to the conflict between the new “growing” me vs the old “sinful” me.

Just now, Through The Living Grass said:

Oh. Yeah i view it as an absolute masterpiece of a poem about internal conflict, specifically in my case i relate it to the conflict between the new “growing” me vs the old “sinful” me.

Specifically, the poem is all about not just the internal conflict, but the need to explain it. The yearning for a clean explanation in their being multiple yous, but the absence of correctness, and truth in everything being you, and yet that conflict still being there, as a one that is two.

The poem name directly translates to 'One is two'. It's about how describing the conflict as 2 isn't correct, as it is more than that, but simply describing the person as a whole is also incorrect, and all about the divide that is caused by the pure impossibility of the one being the same as the two.

1 minute ago, Through The Living Coder said:

Specifically, the poem is all about not just the internal conflict, but the need to explain it. The yearning for a clean explanation in their being multiple yous, but the absence of correctness, and truth in everything being you, and yet that conflict still being there, as a one that is two.

The poem name directly translates to 'One is two'. It's about how describing the conflict as 2 isn't correct, as it is more than that, but simply describing the person as a whole is also incorrect, and all about the divide that is caused by the pure impossibility of the one being the same as the two.

Hm, yes. The first part is actually so applicable to so many parts of my life the more i think about it, and the desire to understand myself, something i will never fully do, making it even harder that others will also never fully understand me, is also gut wrenching. But that’s life.

12 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Hm, yes. The first part is actually so applicable to so many parts of my life the more i think about it, and the desire to understand myself, something i will never fully do, making it even harder that others will also never fully understand me, is also gut wrenching. But that’s life.

Everyone has a wall. You cannot understand another person, or even yourself, because of this wall. But understanding this wall, knowing you will never understand the being beyond the wall, is the closest you can get to understanding them. By recognizing we are all human, and we all have a part of ourselves no one else, not even ourselves, can understand, we can begin the grasp the other. By truly understanding you cannot understand another human anymore than you can understand yourself, you can begin to understand them.

Climb the goddamn wall. Chisel away at it. Drum on the side in morse code to talk to the other person.

ya ikr 

can’t wait to die :3

also shameless plug for the short story collection im working on:

please give feedback my writing must improve

7 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Climb the goddamn wall. Chisel away at it. Drum on the side in morse code to talk to the other person.

ya ikr 

can’t wait to die :3

also shameless plug for the short story collection im working on:

 

please give feedback my writing must improve

Quote

"Everyone has a wall and communication is impossible… that's obvious."

<snip>

"Write on the wall."

My mouth dropped open at the brazen words.

"If you rust or pee, you will leave something on the wall. That way, the other party will recognize it."

"Why would you do such a thing? The other person is beyond the wall anyway…"

"Still, you should leave a mark." Does that make sense?" "There is no apparent meaning."

"Then?"

"It is just important that you left it."

"The other party won't know so why?"

"At least the wall has changed." I was speechless for a moment. <snip> spoke in a resolute voice. "Then one day, someone might read it."

- The Greatest Author I Have Ever Read

also fun fact: The site auto corrects the sh word to rust!

1 minute ago, Through The Living Coder said:

- The Greatest Author I Have Ever Read

Yes i done got the ORV reference from when he’s talking to the God who Procrastinates or whatever his name is.

im up to 300 now, going to read more tonight and get to bed early, because those two things definitely both go together 

7 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

can’t wait to die :3

I've always been terrified of death; I've basically had several panic attacks throughout the years, even if they weren't full-fledged panic attacks. I once thought I was going to die and spent weeks depressed. Sometimes at night I would cry myself to sleep thinking about how everyone I know will die eventually, as will I--without having done all I want. When I truly consider what death means, it scares me. It's not like getting a virus or an injury; it's permanent (in my belief). You can die with a life unfulfilled. You could get in a car accident, catch some deadly illness, be stupid. It's especially terrifying for me since I don't believe in any form of afterlife. Sometimes I grow envious of those who do. I'm not sure if I've ever welcomed the thought of dying, because it would mean dying having lived a meaningless life. It would mean a wasted life, a wasted wonderful opportunity. I only get one life, and I should at least do something with it. I'll only be here for so long, I should be somewhat happy during that time--that time that feels endless and finite at once.

3 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

I've always been terrified of death; I've basically had several panic attacks throughout the years, even if they weren't full-fledged panic attacks. I once thought I was going to die and spent weeks depressed. Sometimes at night I would cry myself to sleep thinking about how everyone I know will die eventually, as will I--without having done all I want. When I truly consider what death means, it scares me. It's not like getting a virus or an injury; it's permanent (in my belief). You can die with a life unfulfilled. You could get in a car accident, catch some deadly illness, be stupid. It's especially terrifying for me since I don't believe in any form of afterlife. Sometimes I grow envious of those who do. I'm not sure if I've ever welcomed the thought of dying, because it would mean dying having lived a meaningless life. It would mean a wasted life, a wasted wonderful opportunity. I only get one life, and I should at least do something with it. I'll only be here for so long, I should be somewhat happy during that time--that time that feels endless and finite at once.

Huh. That’s interesting. I guess I understand though, I try to live my life satisfied with what I have as best I can, even if it’s very likely death means eternal punishment for me afaik. I want to believe that I won’t exist when I die, that would make me so much happier, but i think I have salvation assurance.

also, you have made an impact in my life. Youve helped me become a better person and learn to accept people I don’t understand. 

Your life isn’t wasted yet. Don’t give up hope!

@Through The Living Coder holy Veil why do I relate so much to basically everything you wrote in this entry...

Also, I'm both a writer and a coder! I mean.. not Sanderson-level haha...

9 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Huh. That’s interesting. I guess I understand though, I try to live my life satisfied with what I have as best I can, even if it’s very likely death means eternal punishment for me afaik. I want to believe that I won’t exist when I die, that would make me so much happier, but i think I have salvation assurance.

also, you have made an impact in my life. Youve helped me become a better person and learn to accept people I don’t understand. 

Your life isn’t wasted yet. Don’t give up hope!

That's interesting. Why wouldn't you want to live past death? I mean.. maybe not if it means eternal punishment, but if you go to The Good Place... hehe...

Anyway, well ty, I'm glad.

I guess it just feels like I've accomplished nothing and been no one. Which kinda makes sense.. but yeah..

7 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

@Through The Living Coder why do I relate so much to basically everything you wrote in this entry...

Also, I'm both a writer and a coder! I mean.. not Sanderson-level haha...

That's interesting. Why wouldn't you want to live past death? I mean.. maybe not if it means eternal punishment, but if you go to The Good Place... hehe...

Anyway, well ty, I'm glad.

I guess it just feels like I've accomplished nothing and been no one. Which kinda makes sense.. but yeah..

Yeah uh I’m usually in the mindset of “you would go to heaven, not of your own actions, so do the best you can in life to show others the kindness you were shown”, but sometimes very rarely when i do really rusting terrible things im like “you never were saved, you never will be, so wallow in your own misery and self hatred because you’d go to hell if you ended it all” (talking to myself ofc)

So in that regard i sometimes would rather believe there would be nothing but peaceful nonexistence after i die. Alas, i dont know how to explain it but i am very very sure there is an afterlife and im going to one or the other

just finished Dante’s Divine Comedy videos by Wendigoon, pretty awesome biblical fan fiction if i do say so myself, even if it’s completely inaccurate 

if we look inwards at ourselves, we will never be satisfied. If we look outwards at the kindness of God, we have everything we need. In your case? Try to appreciate the good you have experienced in life, and try to take joy in making other people’s lives better. 

1 minute ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Yeah uh I’m usually in the mindset of “you would go to heaven, not of your own actions, so do the best you can in life to show others the kindness you were shown”, but sometimes very rarely when i do really rusting terrible things im like “you never were saved, you never will be, so stew in your own evil because you’d go to hell if you ended it all”

So in that regard i sometimes would rather believe there would be nothing but peaceful nonexistence after i die. Alas, i dont know how to explain it but i am very very sure there is an afterlife and im going to one or the other

just finished Dante’s Divine Comedy videos by Wendigoon, pretty awesome biblical fan fiction if i do say so myself, even if it’s completely inaccurate 

if we look inwards at ourselves, we will never be satisfied. If we look outwards at the kindness of God, we have everything we need. In your case? Try to appreciate the good you have experienced in life, and try to take joy in making other people’s lives better. 

That kinda sounds like self-hate/self-loathing not to diagnose you or anything. I may also be misinterpeting.

Yeah.. I kinda get that. But also then you.. literally wouldn't exist, like I guess it's like sighing after a long day and finally getting to rest. Yeah..

Yeah.. altruism (haven't used that word in years, I believe) and the like.. well.. they make you feel good but I see them as largely useless. Depending. For stuff like donations, I see that as pretty useless in the grand scale of things. But stuff like being nice to people doesn't cost you anything and can spread like a good virus perhaps. Plus it makes you feel good.

But sometimes it's kinda hard to believe that I've had any real joy in my life. Sure, I'm young, but also childhood is kinda a big part of life, right? Lots of missed opportunities...

I could've also lived more than I think I have, but still. Anyway death and life purpose probably isn't the best thing to be writing about rn so yah

4 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

That kinda sounds like self-hate/self-loathing not to diagnose you or anything. I may also be misinterpeting.

Yeah.. I kinda get that. But also then you.. literally wouldn't exist, like I guess it's like sighing after a long day and finally getting to rest. Yeah..

 

Yeah.. altruism (haven't used that word in years, I believe) and the like.. well.. they make you feel good but I see them as largely useless. Depending. For stuff like donations, I see that as pretty useless in the grand scale of things. But stuff like being nice to people doesn't cost you anything and can spread like a good virus perhaps. Plus it makes you feel good.

But sometimes it's kinda hard to believe that I've had any real joy in my life. Sure, I'm young, but also childhood is kinda a big part of life, right? Lots of missed opportunities...

I could've also lived more than I think I have, but still. Anyway death and life purpose probably isn't the best thing to be writing about rn so yah

Yeah, there is a certain layer of self loathing that comes around sometimes. Not often. I long for the idea that death would be rest, sleep. But I also long for Heaven. 

IDK, for someone who doesn’t experience a lot of true joy, it is invaluable that I do my very best to spread it around. And that is one of the only things that makes me feel fulfilled, so…

idk, childhood kinda bored me tbh. Life doesn’t get better and better, rather, i get higher highs and lower lows. Oh well. 

yeah, if this is triggering dont worry about it. Btw i posted another short story if you’re interested 

1 minute ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Yeah, there is a certain layer of self loathing that comes around sometimes. Not often. I long for the idea that death would be rest, sleep. But I also long for Heaven. 

IDK, for someone who doesn’t experience a lot of true joy, it is invaluable that I do my very best to spread it around. And that is one of the only things that makes me feel fulfilled, so…

idk, childhood kinda bored me tbh. Life doesn’t get better and better, rather, i get higher highs and lower lows. Oh well. 

yeah, if this is triggering dont worry about it. Btw i posted another short story if you’re interested 

It's not triggering but I know that I shouldn't be immersing myself in depressing stuff right now.

It's.. like all that... stuff... I was talking about before wasn't really triggering but doesn't mean it was healthy for me to obsessively talk about it.

Yeah.. I don't think anything fulfills me, but perhaps it does

I don't remember all of my childhood. Like rn I just have a few.. like a flash of a video but it's like 2 frames of it and lasts a fraction of a second. Could just be current state rn, but yeah. I mean I.. like don't always remember what year or age something happened, but maybe that's normal idk. I guess each year it feels like the previous one.. didn't happen. Kinda. So distant.. So very distant.. For instance, despite COVID being, like, a few years long? Idk. Started in like 2020 right? Technically COVID-19.. but like I barely remember what I did during it. I remember.. like these two memories from near the start, and then the rest is blank. Like I guess if I... look for memories of certain things like school, then I remember a few things. But, like, what did I do? Was I even alive? There's no way I did nothing for years...

And then like I don't really remember what life was like. Come to think of it, most of my few memories are about school..

Oh wait that was something. Yeah.

Idk.

you remember drastically less at a young age

3 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

you remember drastically less at a young age

Yeah.. I know.. but like what about the not-so-young ages? Like even just last year, I don't really know what I did, besides a few general stuff.

Is that normal?

Just now, Through The Living Girl said:

Yeah.. I know.. but like what about the not-so-young ages? Like even just last year, I don't really know what I did, besides a few general stuff.

Is that normal?

yeah it's normal to not remember much that's kinda ... how memory works

Like I can only remember like 5-10 specific moments total in my psych class and I'd say that class was quite eventful and it did happen quite recently 

31 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

@Through The Living Coder holy Veil why do I relate so much to basically everything you wrote in this entry...

Also, I'm both a writer and a coder! I mean.. not Sanderson-level haha...

That's interesting. Why wouldn't you want to live past death? I mean.. maybe not if it means eternal punishment, but if you go to The Good Place... hehe...

Anyway, well ty, I'm glad.

I guess it just feels like I've accomplished nothing and been no one. Which kinda makes sense.. but yeah..

Appreciate the reference. And yes, I am a master poet *flips hair like an absolute storming diva*

25 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Yeah uh I’m usually in the mindset of “you would go to heaven, not of your own actions, so do the best you can in life to show others the kindness you were shown”, but sometimes very rarely when i do really rusting terrible things im like “you never were saved, you never will be, so wallow in your own misery and self hatred because you’d go to hell if you ended it all” (talking to myself ofc)

So in that regard i sometimes would rather believe there would be nothing but peaceful nonexistence after i die. Alas, i dont know how to explain it but i am very very sure there is an afterlife and im going to one or the other

just finished Dante’s Divine Comedy videos by Wendigoon, pretty awesome biblical fan fiction if i do say so myself, even if it’s completely inaccurate 

if we look inwards at ourselves, we will never be satisfied. If we look outwards at the kindness of God, we have everything we need. In your case? Try to appreciate the good you have experienced in life, and try to take joy in making other people’s lives better. 

I've always thought it was funny that people think a self-insert fanfic about the bible was so cool, all the while condemning other forms of self-insert fanfic for other fictional works. (That was a joke, please dont attack me christians )

38 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

I've always been terrified of death; I've basically had several panic attacks throughout the years, even if they weren't full-fledged panic attacks. I once thought I was going to die and spent weeks depressed. Sometimes at night I would cry myself to sleep thinking about how everyone I know will die eventually, as will I--without having done all I want. When I truly consider what death means, it scares me. It's not like getting a virus or an injury; it's permanent (in my belief). You can die with a life unfulfilled. You could get in a car accident, catch some deadly illness, be stupid. It's especially terrifying for me since I don't believe in any form of afterlife. Sometimes I grow envious of those who do. I'm not sure if I've ever welcomed the thought of dying, because it would mean dying having lived a meaningless life. It would mean a wasted life, a wasted wonderful opportunity. I only get one life, and I should at least do something with it. I'll only be here for so long, I should be somewhat happy during that time--that time that feels endless and finite at once.

13 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said:

Yeah, there is a certain layer of self loathing that comes around sometimes. Not often. I long for the idea that death would be rest, sleep. But I also long for Heaven. 

IDK, for someone who doesn’t experience a lot of true joy, it is invaluable that I do my very best to spread it around. And that is one of the only things that makes me feel fulfilled, so…

idk, childhood kinda bored me tbh. Life doesn’t get better and better, rather, i get higher highs and lower lows. Oh well. 

yeah, if this is triggering dont worry about it. Btw i posted another short story if you’re interested 

I have a few feelings of death.

I think eternity is terrifying. I consider immortality to be a curse. I consider permanent death to be... somewhat peaceful. I hate the idea that after everything, after all the hardships, there is nothing. No respite. No breath of fresh air. I also hate the idea that you could be stuck. I consider heaven to be at best, a form of absolute stasis, in which there is no true joy, only stagnancy, briefly overturned by new people showing up every so often, with those in past slowly fading away, struggling to die, without having the ability to, and at it's worst, a place of pure ecstasy with no true meaning or fulfillment, a place of deep sorrow, only fueled by the false implant of false joy. I believe in nothing, and a part of me is grateful. I also wish for everything, of which I fear deeply.

1 minute ago, Through The Living Coder said:

Appreciate the reference. And yes, I am a master poet *flips hair like an absolute storming diva*

I've always thought it was funny that people think a self-insert fanfic about the bible was so cool, all the while condemning other forms of self-insert fanfic for other fictional works. (That was a joke, please dont attack me christians )

I have a few feelings of death.

I think eternity is terrifying. I consider immortality to be a curse. I consider permanent death to be... somewhat peaceful. I hate the idea that after everything, after all the hardships, there is nothing. No respite. No breath of fresh air. I also hate the idea that you could be stuck. I consider heaven to be at best, a form of absolute stasis, in which there is no true joy, only stagnancy, briefly overturned by new people showing up every so often, with those in past slowly fading away, struggling to die, without having the ability to, and at it's worst, a place of pure ecstasy with no true meaning or fulfillment, a place of deep sorrow, only fueled by the false implant of false joy. I believe in nothing, and a part of me is grateful. I also wish for everything, of which I fear deeply.

You've watched Good Place?

(Spoiler for, like, the last episode or something)

If anything, I'd want to just get another life. Hardships are what make life worth living, in my opinion. If, in some afterlife, there aren't any? Well, I don't want that.

(I also don't even believe in an afterlife even though I'd perhaps like to.)

1 minute ago, Through The Living Girl said:

You've watched Good Place?

(Spoiler for, like, the last episode or something)

  Hide contents

The end was pretty depressing for me. Like, who wants to spend eternity "happy"? I can see why they'd choose to "exit" it after a few Jeremy Bearimys...

And especially that fake heaven..? The "good place"? Where everyone was mindless? Ugh I don't want that.

If anything, I'd want to just get another life. Hardships are what make life worth living, in my opinion. If, in some afterlife, there aren't any? Well, I don't want that.

(I also don't even believe in an afterlife even though I'd perhaps like to.)

Oh my god the dot. The dot. Oh my god my brain is broken.

5 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

yeah it's normal to not remember much that's kinda ... how memory works

Like I can only remember like 5-10 specific moments total in my psych class and I'd say that class was quite eventful and it did happen quite recently 

Yeah, I suppose.

But, like, school is much easier to remember for me, even if I don't remember a lot. Maybe because of the structure and I really only have to remember which courses I took to trigger memories of some things that happened in those courses. But for general life? I mean it's not like I've done much anyway..

Just a few events here and there..

That's probably just an average life for ya, except I'm arguably at a loss with very very little social interaction

1 minute ago, Through The Living Coder said:

Oh my god the dot. The dot. Oh my god my brain is broken.

Yeah I forgot what the dot was anyway, but I think it made no sense lol

Just now, Through The Living Girl said:

Yeah I forgot what the dot was anyway, but I think it made no sense lol

Im pretty sure I quoted exactly what that one guy said about the dot.