lizbusby

Thank you to everyone for your comments. Yes, this was a very rough first draft, so you are all completely right in pointing out that more thinking about the world-building is needed. I basically wanted to outsource it to readers to figure out what would stand out. @Lightbearer thank you for your exhaustive list. You are exactly right in thinking that this utopia could be a distopia. The original ending I was considering was that the Deathless really didn't think the fire was a big deal, was a total bureaucratic jerk who only cared about enjoying immortality, and then would be devastated when he finally saw that it really was hopeless. But that ending just didn't end up working, probably because I ended up liking the deathless so much. Also, the setting was supposed to be more of a Spanish colonial feel, but now that I think about it, I never really got any architectural details into it. Better correct. Definitely will be capitalizing Deathless in future drafts. Thanks for multiple people for flagging that. And I'm sad that the opening image was so confusing to everyone, but looking back on it, it's totally understandable. I'll have to work on clarifying what is happening. @Robinski You caught me. I kind of just made up the world as I went, so I need to go back and revise for consistency on what the town is like. And do some more research on forest fires. I did have one question for you. I was trying to use the "one" in dialogue as a sort of "royal we." My thought was they have developed the idea that it's rude to refer to the Deathless with regular pronouns, or really refer to them at all, so they use "one" to avoid that. I then tried to have this formality break down at points when the Deathless is thinking more humanely or having emotions. I wanted to show some of the specialist training that P has in handling the Deathless, and show how they think of the Deathless as gods, not just humans who are really smart. Obviously that did not work for you. Suggestions, given this goal? @kais thanks for flagging the mass smoking of the moss and the idea of the Deathless starting the fire. Those will probably make their way into the next draft. @industrialistDragon and @Mandamon: Really appreciate your framing of the story in terms of MICE quotient. You both helped me get a clearer vision of what my brain was trying to do here and that will make the next draft change a lot. Thank you! @shatteredsmooth Thanks for your thoughts on character. I feel like character is definitely my weakness. I think the revision of the story will bring the reveal of the Deathless's motives up to earlier in the story so they can talk more about the impact it would have. Would that help? I'm envisioning P pleading for the lifestyle and peace he loves and the Deathless pointing out the stagnation and need for change. Another question: I tried to provide some characterization of P during the exposition sections by showing that his belief in what he was taught growing up is cracking at this first encounter with a real Deathless, that he is questioning whether what he does with his life and the restrictions he lives under are worth it. Was that too subtle, or just not enough to give him character?

Sorry for the late late notes. I am in the Seattle area, so corona virus shelter-in-place prep has overridden my usual writing & reading time for a bit. Overall, the rewrite works better by eliminating the second phone call. However, there's too much enumerating of what everyone is doing all the time and too little inside Q's head. It gets boring reading stag directions. They could be simplified and written more from his perspective on things. Several times, the action and the reaction to it are separated by sentences or paragraphs. This doesn't work for me, especially when the action is really startling or odd and would provoke immediate reaction. Notes while reading: p 3 - "E’s brow furrowed" This sentence implies that she doesn't trust Q, but by the time we've gotten to her actual question on it, I've forgotten this sentence. Somehow those need closer proximity. p 4 - "This situation has not finished its journey south. It’s still a long way down from here." - These idioms are confusing to me. Is the situation going south or down? Pick a metaphor. “Call Sheriff K.” - I didn't catch at first that he was talking to his phone. And I feel like the phone call needs to be broken up into multiple paragraphs because it's still not quite landing for me. p 5 - Seems I’m two thousand kilometres outside my jurisdiction now, and will be detained by just about everyone. - I'm not sure if he's saying this humously or seriously. What emotion is his reaction to the conversation he just had? p 6-7 - There's a lot of dialogue here without tags. If this were a two person conversation, fine, but since there are several people, you'll probably need to tag it all. I was confused at a few points about who was talking. p 7 - M, had woken on the wrong side of the wrong bed, in the wrong motel in the wrong city. - I want a visual on this rather than a summary. Sounds funny! Also, no comma after her name. p 8 - “Where are the houses?” M asked. “They float,” E answered, “until the lake freezes.” - This doesn't quite make sense to me. M's question implies that she can't see the houses, but even if the lake freezes, the houses should still be visible, just not mobile. Q wished he had half the ex-marine’s assurance. - What assurance? Nothing he said demonstrated assurance. He basically just remarked on the weather. p 9 - “We’ll be fine,” Q whispered, touching her shoulder. - Why does he feel like he needs to assure her? Maybe show some of the thought process. p 11 - “Hey,” said Q. “What’s wrong with your gun?” - Again, this is separated from what it refers to by a paragraph. Took me a second to realize he was talking to M and not K. p 12 - he misted with some substance from an anonymous nano-spray tin - Misted what? I think that "misted" requires a direct object. p 13 - Through an age of toil, breath puffing before them, mingling with that of the escorting v, drifting into the glorious night sky, they marched, battled and forged through clinging, strength-sapping snow. - This sentence is a bit overwrought compared to the spare prose around it. Looks like an antique china teacup in a roadside pub. p 15 - I liked the fact that the house was a trap, but I didn't understand exactly how they turned it into a counter-trap. I couldn't follow. Is the agent he took down the one with the screen of the boss on him? I am confused as to exactly how that conversation ended. And we move too quickly into the mystery phone call for my liking. p 16 - “I had six months attached to anti-terrorism in Istanbul,” he said. “Level Three means airstrike.” - Again, this info is really separated from what it's referring to.

Yes, I should add that the title is more of a placeholder. I just stuck together the two images that started the story. I am open to new title ideas. Maybe just "Deathless"?

I've been working on this short story sporadically for a few weeks. The theme of the story changed radically from what I intended when I started. I'd love to know what you think of the ultimate resolution, and whether it works with the foreshadowing of the story. Also tell me whether your interest is sustained even though the story is largely about waiting.

Mandamelon? Sounds like a delicious new fruit.

I'm almost done with another short story, so I'd like a Monday slot.

Got very sick two weeks ago, so I've fallen behind again and am trying to catch up. This definitely had more action than previous chapters. Hurray! However, I felt like the characters weren't so much making choices as going where the plot needed them to go to reveal information. I needed more of En's thinking of why she does what she does, in spite of the difficulty of thinking in this form. Or maybe show her will slowly lessening the longer she is in this form. But then why does she suddenly gain the drive to ask her personalities questions? I'm just not clear on how much she is in control of what she does and why she chooses to do it. You can't have her both losing control and then suddenly gaining it when she needs to move on. With In's section, my problem is more with the set up. Once he got back out of the N, I would assume WW and him would debrief or at least be freaked out. But WW hardly seems to be there. I wanted the sequel to last chapter's scene, which would give more explanation for why In does what he does. Notes while reading: p 1 - Love the chapter quote. Very intriguing piece of info. p 2 - "That was when she realized she must be the only other living thing not an E." - I feel like this should come after a description of the silence. I wasn't sure why she came to think conclusion so suddenly. Was it her body that realized it or one of her split personalities? I'm leaning to the latter. p 3 - I'm not sure why the ancient personality is able to rise to the surface now. Is it part of the current situation or the fact that all of them are inside En instead of a more trained assassin? p 5 - Having the slugs conversation in her mind right before the personalities start to talk was a little confusing. Took me a second to figure out that it wasn't the same conversation continuing. p 6 - "Several times she felt an opening in the sphere of knowledge around her, as if another bubble, devoid of any signals or feeling, grew inside it. It pushed away the sensations gathered through her fin," - I did not understand what this meant. Is she approaching another creature that blocks their signals? Or is there something inside the bubble that seems to disappear? I am just really baffled. p 7 - Ah, here's the explanation, but I'm not sure that how it was led up to works. Gravity/the N has no pull on them, yet they would sink in water? I'm skeptical about why. p 8 - Since she brought S and In up, why isn't she more worried about what happened to them and how the plan went wrong? She made a lot of observations about the world, but no commentary on her personal situation. "The inclination to become Meth again didn’t cross her mind. Neither did the urge to change the S." - If you're doing strict 3rd person limited, you can't really say this. A character can't say what doesn't cross their mind. p 9 - "They have taken those who are sentient already. What is left is highest in energy." - This doesn't make sense to me. Aren't those who are sentient highest in energy? And now that most animals are gone, they are starting on the plants. Isn't what's left lowest in energy, not highest? Or I'm completely misunderstanding this. p 11 - I don't understand why the transition back made In freak out, but may be new reader syndrome. p 12 - They are just walking down the path together like nothing happened? I would think WW would say something to him. This was a pretty dramatic failure of the (not well thought out) plan. Wait, In is also interested in the cute guy? WTH? p 15 - "Had he placed this memory in the crystal after he received it?" - Does In even know you can place memories in the circlet? This seems to skip a step in how he would figure this out. p 19 - I'm not sure what enabled In to get out of the memories. It seemed kind of random.

Overall the action was compelling. I felt like the descriptions could use a little tightening, especially the section where he is changing the orientation with his mind. For some reason, I had pictured him as having half of his body out of the wall, so when he went to go up, I wasn't sure exactly how that worked. Focusing on the sensory details of where his body is positioned instead of generally "this is forward instead of up" would help immensely. I also didn't quite understand how he created a hole in the mass of creatures. I could use some explaining of this and the ring bracelet so they seem like intentionally used tools rather than conveniences. Perhaps they could actually talk about the plan in specifics before executing it. It seems odd that his vague assurances that he knows what he's doing are enough for WW to trust him. Reading notes: p 2 - "The rest of the city" - This paragraph feels strangely omniscient. One person can't really see what a whole city feels like. It feels like a zoomed out shot from a movie rather than an in-character description. Between this and the beginning with WW, I wonder whose POV this chapter is from. Doesn't feel as tight as the previous ones. p 3 - "I’d be a composer, if I were still on Earth." - Something struck me as not quite right about this. Is S always this introspective? If I were preparing to do something dangerous, I don't know that I'd be thinking about this kind of thing, but more psyching myself up. p 4 - "He stepped left, then right," - Is this trying to say he went to one side of the path then the other? I couldn't quite picture it because I had envisioned the path as a small sidewalk width where going to one side or the other is barely noticeable. Either way, I had to stop for a second here. "There was no air to make sounds with inside the wall." - Surely other maji have dealt with this lack of communication inside the wall before? What do people usually do? Or has no one ever dealt with it? I get that En and In would be confused, but WW and S should have thought this through given previous experience. p 5 - I'm not really getting where the hole came from. p 7 - "her protective aura" - Xyr? "The C-shaped ring WW had given him in the HoT" - This comes across as MacGuffin-like. Might want to mention it in an earlier chapter so it doesn't suddenly save the day out of nowhere. If it has been mentioned in this book, I've forgotten it completely. p 9 - Nice chapter ending.

On finishing the second half, unfortunately, this story doesn't succeed for me either. I think the problem is the lack of growth in the protagonist. We are told he's smart and ambitious, but he doesn't act in those ways. And because he doesn't act that way, he also doesn't change over the course of the story. The whole time he is basically a passive vessel to receive knowledge. His love for the woman also seems steady throughout the story. It doesn't really progress or change him over time, at least not that I noticed. Unlike other readers, I don't think the main character read as a jerk at all, except in the beginning scene where he was set up as a peeping tom, but that feeling went away. He was just a blank slate, taking no initiative to do anything. So with no character growth and a very passive "wait and see" plot, there's not much to enjoy about this story. The ending baffled me: why did she decide to give him the sword? Nothing has changed, so why now instead of later? I'm also not sure why stabbing himself with the sword reversed his ghostly nature. And can it still be used for the intended purpose (either cleansing the kingdom or bringing glory to his name)? Too much is unclear to me. Sorry to be so negative. I do feel like the story has potential. The setting and the intended feeling could be cool, but we need to see a lot more protag-ing from the protag and from the woman. Fae is a very hard feeling/place/people to nail down in a story because they have to have their own internal logic completely different from ours and utterly incomprehensible. I felt like this story didn't quite hit that balance right, mostly in favor of just not telling us things. More notes while reading: p 13 - I am not sure what to make of the forging of the fish. It was mildly interesting but not super enthralling and I'm not sure what it has to do with the magician. p 15 - The conversation provides some interesting background info, but I don't feel like it's really the characters speaking so much as info being conveyed. The magician doesn't come across as someone who has studied, even if most of what he studied is wrong. He doesn't come across as arrogant, scheming, and prideful which the rest of what we've been told indicates he should be, but humble and meek and worshipful. I'm also not clear what F's motives are in this, but that's a bit more understandable because she's supposed to be mysterious. However, it seems odd that she is so free with info when she's been so stingy before. I want her to feel alien and she just feels hesitant. p 25 - I am somewhat baffled by the ending. I'm not sure why she chooses to give him the sword at this point.

Please consider not using a fancy font. It made this hard to read. I converted it to Times Roman for reading so the page numbers below are probably off. (The first page is unnumbered when I open in google docs?) Save the design for publication. The words should speak for themselves. I am doing the same as Mandamon as I need to get back to my own writing. Will return with the second half later. Notes during reading: p 1 - Present tense? Interesting choice. I find it to be awkward, but we shall see. p 2 - So she has a pouch? Because when I hear someone watching a woman half submerged in water, I 100% think she is naked. Might want to specify that either way, because the scene changes a lot if you picture it one way or the other. p 3 - "beset with trouble" seems like an understatement. It sounds like they are facing certain annihilation. Ah yes, definitely clothed. I still wasn't sure. p 4 - "Do not panic, Magician" - I want to see some actual panic before I hear her say this. What is his reaction to the world turning black? Does he freeze? Freak out? "moonlight pouring seeping from her pouch," - This image is not quite clear to me. For something to pour, it would need to be tipped sideways. I think a better word might be overflowing? But either way, clarify here. p 5 - "woven belts" - I am not sure what this means. Belts like leather? This would be a very unwieldy garment... "my dark haired companion" - the narrator keeps referring to her in these possessive ways, like "my guide" before. It seems a little off for someone he's supposed to be deathly afraid of. I am getting a little bored of the description. Not sure why. I can't get a good picture of what "four angular slabs" means. "with an expression of quiet reverence," - If we're tightly from his point of view, I don't think he can describe his own expression which he can't see. p 6 - "ambit" is not a word as far as I or Google spellcheck are concerned. Not sure what you mean. Seems odd for her to invite him in, let down her hair, then send him back out. Nothing really happened. A lot didn't happen, but that's not the same thing. As an aside, as a woman, I'm not sure how that hair trick worked. Taking out one clip from a hairstyle doesn't typically transform it into another hairstyle. Especially when you said she had a lot of clips in her hair earlier, I have a hard time believing this. p 7 - Describing the log as compared to a loaf of bread, and then having him eat some bread (that appears from nowhere) is confusing. I thought at first he was outright eating the log. The description of the attack made me think something was biting his leg which made me confused as to how it could speak. It took me until the next page to realize there was a creature and a human-ish figure. ‘Why do you look as if you are about to devour my human?' - I know you're going for her suddenly showing up, but this was confusing so close to the spoken text from the attacker. And I've just noticed you are using single quotation marks. I'm assuming there's a reason. p 8 - I feel like the narrator knew more about what might happen to him than the narrative implies. I would like to see more of his expectations and scholarship as contrasted with reality. As it is, he seems very passive which isn't interesting. p 9 - Yes, if he's spent half his life trying to find her, where's all his knowledge of what to expect? p 10 - So is he a bladesmith or a wizard or both? Wait, why is he asking who she is if he's been looking for her half his life? This is inconsistent. "Most folk have fantasies about such things" - About keeping their name a secret? Something is missing here. And why is he asking about why he cares about keeping his name secret? Surely he knows why. This smacks of "As you well know" exposition. And yet, I'm still not sure about how a true name connects to success in general, apparently not just in magic as he implies anyone would want it. Revealing a bit more plainly his motives would make him more interesting to me. p 12 - Okay, that was unexpected.

This chapter has potential, but really didn't work for me. I felt like the things that should have been onscreen (relationship building, visuals, etc.) were off screen and the thing that could have been summarized (unusual species they pass on the street, making plans, etc.) were onscreen. I felt like the purpose of this chapter was to establish more of the relationship between the three so we could have this revelation from E, but the chapter didn't do that for me. Instead, I got more informing characters of what happened in the past and saying what we're doing next. Notes while reading: p 1 - "It is immutable..." - This sentence does not work as a compound because it lacks parallel structure. "It is," "maji can," and "many have" lack any connection, and so the sentence just reads like a run-on. I'd separate them. "turning something like cricket song" - perhaps the cricket-like song; phrasing was confusing p 3 - The genders in WW's society sound more like social constructs than true genders to me, but what do I know. Also, though xy clarified the four other genders, xy didn't say what xyr gender's role is. I would assume S would ask that, given that he asked what WW's gender was. p 4 - It seems like WW's species name is used frequently as a sort of indirect reference to xy. To me, this reads really oddly, like constantly referring to someone as the Venezuelan. Maybe once a chapter would be fine, but since xy's a main character, do we really need to be reminded about xyr species constantly? p 5 - “We must find what drives it.” “Can we trap the E somehow? If so, we would have something to hold over the voice.” - These two lines are unconvincing to me. Why do they need to know what motivates their enemy? What they really need is to stop it. And the voice doesn't appear to me to be specifically sentimental about the E. I'm not sure why S thinks that trapping some would give it pause. p 6 - "sneaking glances at the walls." - I'm not sure why he feels he has to sneak these glances, and what is he looking at instead? Down or straight ahead? Why are the twins still in the medical center after a day? Surely they would go 'home' if there's nothing to be done. "A day?" - Why does this sound surprised when earlier in the description, he mentioned it had only been a day? He seems to know this info already. Why are the twins not shocked that the crystal is being eaten? Do they not know enough about it? p 8 - Oh, he's making the portal right now? They aren't going to do any other preparation or bring anything like weapons, food, etc.? p 10 - Even given the re-writes of earlier chapters, I'm not sure the twins have been given enough time to explore their people (didn't they think they were almost extinct?) or learned enough new stuff. I also don't feel the justification of why they need to go other than for relationship reasons or moral support. (To me, that's not enough of a reason.) Perhaps they can make a stronger case for why them in particular. Why does S need the twins for this mission that WW couldn't do just as well? p 11 - "Let’s figure out our best approach tonight and leave in the morning.” - Yes, it would have made sense to do this with the portal approach as well. "They talked for a time, S relaxing with his boyfriend and girlfriend. He soaked up every moment, watching details of their faces move. At some point, W W left the room." - This seems like lazy character building. If we're supposed to like this romantic pairing, we should see them interacting on screen in a romantic way rather than just summarized. Wait, the previous paragraph, WW leaves, then S is able to just stick his head out of the room and find him? Has he literally been sitting outside just to give them privacy and doing nothing else? And why are they staying at the medical facility at all? If they are just relaxing, this is the least relaxing place to be. p 12 - “Most of the village eats together,” - This contradicts what WW said earlier, that several families had invited them to eat with them. Which is it? Do they all eat together or families eat separately. p 13 - "Why hadn’t the prophet told him this before? Maybe while they walked through the city?" - I didn't immediately get what "this" was. What it is referring to is several paragraphs back, so I was confused. "if they can go there to eat" - if they could go there to eat p 14 - The description of the whole meal scene feels very distant, like we're getting a summary of it rather than participating in it. Surely meeting his gf/bf's family deserves to feel more present. I want to see them picking a spot, people saying hello, the food being served/passed, conversation, etc. p 15 - "S smiled back" - Okay, this thing with the handsome guy makes S feel like a jerk. When you are with your SO, you better not be eyeing other people. Especially when he's full of social anxiety otherwise, it seems odd that he keeps reaching out to him. It makes me not like S, especially when combined with how he is always talking very possessively of his gf/bf. Also, they are always reaching out to sooth him, but I feel like he doesn't do the same. p 16 - "They were given rooms in the medical center after dinner, which also doubled as a sort of hostel for those in between homes." - Ah! This would have been useful at the beginning of the chapter. I felt so weird that they were just hanging around a hospital. No one stays at a hospital unless they have to. E's confession feels sudden and forced. They didn't have to try very hard to get her to talk. This might feel more natural if more of the relationship building and the dinner were on screen. As it is, it's the only real thing that happens at the dinner, so it seems odd. Especially discussing it in public. Wouldn't anyone overhear and notice?

I enjoyed the sequence in the wall as something finally seems to be happening. The concept of how the facets are connected to the nether is murky to me based on this section, though I'm assuming better explained in other books? I also wonder about S seemingly doing things long thought impossible in such an early chapter of the book. It seems like breaking world rules for convenience sake, which weakens my suspension of disbelief and also makes S seem like an overpowered Mary Sue to me. The first half of the scene was slow for me. The purpose seemed to be to show S growing in his ability to control his anxiety, but frankly, the actions going on were boring and uninteresting. The A medical system seemed not well thought through and could use world building. And then it just devolved into another "let's go in different directions" discussion which was reversed again at the end of the chapter. Please, just decide whether they need to do this sequence together or not and stick with it. It seems unrealistic in an emergency to be constantly splitting up then getting back together hours later. Why bother? Notes while reading: p 2 - Really? It's rare for one of an instance to die? It seems like it would be common except when people die of old age. Unless instances are in the exact same place at the same time, they would constantly be subject to different likelihoods of things like car accidents, diseases, etc. New reader, but I don't buy this given what I know. p 5 - Come to think of it, why are they carrying them? Do they not have cars or at least ambulances? If losing an instance is rare, why would there be a doctor well trained in it? I was under the impression this was a small community so would they have the resources to devote to that? p 6 - I'm confused as to why In has doubts that the diadem can adapt to someone new, especially when M, who has more experience, has just told them that he can teach them. What does he even know about it? p 7 - How does the doctor know they are maji? I thought no maji of A were known before them.... p 8 - Sam leaving again feels wishy-washy. How often has he changed his mind in these opening chapters? p 9 - "The walls were beginning to darken into evening" - I find this description distracting and strange, given that there was a magical wall that could change color in the first chapter. Are the walls really changing color or is the light making it appear so? "bridge that led into the wall" - Ditto this. Does it really lead into the wall or just through a doorway or break in the wall? I'm confused. Ah, so we are back at the color changing wall. Then why were there multiple at the beginning? Well, either way, you know that this confused me. Do with it what you will. p 14 - I liked the sequence inside the wall, though I was confused as to how they got out. Did he create a shield from the notes of matter? It seems like this will have massive repercussions. Modifying a previously thought to be unmodifiable crystal seems a little over-powered. It seems like it should be a climax of a book, not chapter 7. I wasn't sure his power level was justified in world. If not, this would feel like cheating. p 16 - "Yes, possible." - I didn't understand what question this was answering. Also, I assumed that the N was W W, but I didn't remember his species name, so that was jarring. p 17 - I'm not quite gathering what WW is trying to get at with the explanation about bridges. It really didn't clear up anything for me. Also, laying on succulents would be uncomfortable as they are usually pokey, right? p 18-19 - Oh no, seriously? He's going back to get them again? This is way too wishy-washy and seems to smack of actions motivated by plot convenience rather than any real decision.

Instead of outlining my new short story this morning, I accidentally wrote 1.5K words on how to fix Frozen 2's character arcs. Guess I just can't let it go. *ducks* But really, it was a good character exercise. Plus writer therapy. https://lizbusby.com/story-genius-and-frozen-2/

The overall plot and motivation of the story is good. It's a cute play on the proposal story. With koalas. The errotica scenes suffered from a bit of "insert this in this" syndrome, which I think is talked about in Writing Excuses 7.38. Too much time is spent visually describing for my taste at least. It makes it feel a bit silly. A lot of the world building was tough on me as a new reader, especially the first couple of pages which refer to events without actually describing what happened. I was totally lost. Things started to make sense about halfway through, where the monoculture is referred to. Of course, it's up to you to decide how much of the backstory to include, but just know I was lost for the first page or two and probably wouldn't have read farther without obligation. Notes while reading: I have not read the books, so I'll be reading from that perspective. I did not follow any of the politics going on here. My working knowledge is that their planet has recently opened for colonization and now it's being overrun with immigrants? I'm guessing there's no free market, otherwise they could just use pricing to deal with this problem. She just barely got here and now she's leaving again? This doesn't feel like any length of time. Put in some montages or something. Why is everything made of andal? Food, soap, clothing starch... Do they not have any other plants? Okay, I know this is a Valentine's story, but it seems like everything makes this character think about sex. This would be normal if this couple is new, but they seem more familiar than that. But maybe that's just me. The paragraph explaining the markings feels a little late in the story. If it needs to be explained at all, seems it should be in the first scene. "what design they should manufacture for this year’s synthetic s storage" - Why are the top government officials involved in this? This seems like a marketing thing. Koalas - hilarious. Ah, here's the explanation of the monoculture I needed in the beginning. "because she did not have time bureaucratic crem dung," - Is there a 'for' missing here? "I’m almost there. Just found the rope ladder" - I had assumed that this was E talking, since she just sent the eyeroll, but it doesn't make sense. So it must be A, and the dialogue signals are unclear here. "a thick blush of waist-high red ferns." - Is blush a typo or . . .? Plus I thought the planet was a monoculture, so what are ferns doing here? I'm gathering that the couple has some history with flare escapees, whatever those are. Ah, I see now, E is a flare. Oh, E is going to propose? I like this twist a lot. "I’m talking about a having a bonded family." - Double 'a' in this sentence. I'm confused: E is trying to go traditional, but at the beginning of the story, the politicians indicate that a third partner is traditional. It seems a big coincidence that both of them would want to do it this way, especially for E if she was brought up with that expectation. I need some explanation about this in the story.

Eh, I don't know about this chapter. It just begins to feel like our group is protag-ing and making progress and then they get a phone call, followed by another phone call that makes it all irrelevant. It sort of killed the interest for me. It seems like too little is happening at their end. Everything is happening elsewhere. I also felt like we could use more description or action going on during all these conversations. The velociraptors were a nice touch. It took me a while to get used to them, but then I liked it. Are they old school Jurassic Park type or new chicken-raptors? Notes while reading: p 3 - two typos - believed and do instead of to Is it bad that I can't remember who Dulcie is? p 5 - I would add some punctuation to indicate pauses in the sheriff's conversation. I got it, but if you weren't reading carefully, it might not come off. The way it's written, the call seems to take no time at all. Perhaps add in some of the stage direction of people awkwardly waiting while someone talks on the phone. "If T testifies that M instigated the whole thing; he, G and maybe E-C" - I see why you used the semicolon here, but it's just awkward. Maybe reorder this sentence to add the companies in at the end to avoid awkward punctuation. p 7 - Both the conversation at the hotel and now this conversation in the car feel a bit floating heads in a white room, then a bunch of description. I think the two could stand to be mixed together a bit. p 8 - "but they were not, by long chalk." - I have never heard this expression before. It's "by a long shot." Unless it's world-building? Like the expression has suffered semantic drift? "If you don’t have IR" - strikes me as a weird thing to say. Reads like a technical manual, not conversation. But then, putting on the IR goggles in the first place seemed odd. I am not sensing the danger they are. It took me a minute to get that M was supposed to be startled by Q's gesture and not just slipping on ice. Needs stage direction. p 9 - Velociraptors? Okay then... “The really good news is that we’re about to go back across the lake to LI.” - I'm not following this paragraph at all, but maybe new reader syndrome. p 11 - “Hey,” he said. “What’s wrong with your gun?” - Who's he? As it's a response to K, can't be him. Previous dialogue is by M, who I think is female. p 13 - Ugh, this phone caller has super bad timing. He's killing the tension. p 15 - I don't understand why K has to call K. If they had a falling out in the earlier phone call, why would they keep in touch? You can't have it both ways. p 16 - It seems weird to me that the head of the investigation would hang up on him without getting confirmation that he was obeying orders or not. Seems really unprofessional.

I had not read the previous version, but I liked this scene. Overall, this is a good rest scene, going through a reaction period between actions without being devoid of info. I enjoyed gettting some of the background on characters and relationships that I'm missing as a new reader. Q putting M to bed was cute, though maybe too cute for a teenager. The bar scene between Q and E read as two separate discussions: one on their (not) possible relationship and one on what to do. This seemed very stilted. I feel like in reality, these two parts would have been mixed together, not neatly demarcated. I also felt like there were a bit many stage directions, almost one per paragraph of dialogue. You can cut a few of these. The news broadcast was an excellent way to convey info, but felt a bit off to me. It sounded like a news article, not a news report, if that makes sense. Not very spoken. Notes while reading: p 3 - "She looked at the label. “It’s got all the sugars.”" - Eh, this fell flat for me. I'd pick the rainbows line or the sugars line, but both is overkill. p 4 - "Where was his?" - This line of reasoning seemed weird, as though a lack of money meant he didn't care about M. I would think that taking care of her from day to day means a ton more than just being able to give her lots of money. But I recall him thinking a similar thought in a previous chapter. In fact, I think the "where was his?" line was used exactly. I don't know that it's a strong enough line to sustain that kind of repetition. "pushing more people out into the universe" - I'm not sure what led from Q looking at M to this line of thinking. Maybe it's new reader syndrome, but how does the crowded hotel relate to space colonization? The whole colony conversation feels really info-dumpy because I don't see their personal connection to it. p 5 - “What are you going to be on top of?” - Not a saying I'm familiar with. I can kind of get the jist, but it sticks out. p 6 - Ah, now I'm getting some of the background. Perhaps I see how the crowded hotel is related to space colonies now. p 7 - "goes walkabout" - Another distinctive phrase, not one I'd hear in my areas of English, but understandable. p 9 - "There’s a closed habitat on Level Five, but… No, the only inhabitant is a failed experiment." - I assume this is actually the son. This conversation is very touchy feely and direct for strangers, even strangers who have been through a crisis. Not sure I buy how open and casual they play it. p 11 - "He reached for an earbud from the bar top bowl, Eve doing the same, disinfectant evaporating instantly." - I wasn't sure where the disinfectant came from. Rereading the sentence, I guess the earbuds are disinfected somehow, but more description would help. Also, what made him reach for the earbud? The music was turning off and everyone is going to sleep, so he wants to watch the news? It didn't follow for me. Something reads a little off about the news reporter's words. Perhaps it's that he uses too many large words and long complex syntax. In the US at least, news broadcasts tend to use common language in an effort to be easy to understand. p 12 - So I gather TOM is the president? Interesting.

Obviously, there's a lot of background I don't have going into this scene. But for what it's worth, I was confused as to how many factions there were. The Snkys seem to be the same as the LC with the assassins trying to rebel against them. But I'm unclear what side N represents as he seems to be a maji who seem to be the enemies of the LC? If all this is totally understandable to others, just ignore me. I'll keep trying to piece it together. I liked the contrast between the statues and the hooded figures. I'm not sure that the epipgraph really added anything relevant to this scene, as we don't really see a formal power structure in this scene, just J and N and maybe one other member who supports him. You might want to pull in more of their formal decision making body to make this feel different from the previous 5 chapters, of which a lot were the same basic plot as this one: "What should we do?" "Get more information!" Notes while reading: p 3 - "One gloved hand" - I could not follow what was happening in this whole paragraph. Someone is picking up a whole person like a piece on a chessboard? And I wasn't sure who was talking to whom. p 4 - “Nonsense. S’s plans are merely beyond our ability to comprehend.” - I know nothing about this group, but I feel like this is a weak argument even in a cult. p 6 - Na growled. “Absurd. If we take the offensive immediately," - This doesn't really respond the the argument from the previous line about the E being perfection. I'm also wondering if the others would really buy that these were "exactly" the same as the first. It's difficult for members of one race on earth to distinguish members of another until they get used to them. I think the same would apply to aliens and these guys would know it. They might only look the same because they don't know what to look for in differences. Does that make sense? p 6 - “Me, I hate the I maji as much as anyone, but these E are a worse threat.” - Who is saying this line? It doesn't sound like the same perspective as the imposter. If N, it should still be in the same paragraph or have some other indication that it's the same speaker. Maybe move the hand gesture in the previous paragraph to the beginning of this one.

I agree with earlier notes about the villains being pretty boring. I barely felt mad at them. You could ramp up either their logic or their cruelty to make the story have more tension. I agree with Mandamon that I couldn't visualize the difference between the two colors of hair. Maybe a more solid comparison or description could be found. But it wasn't a huge barrier. I did expect a little more from the queen character. I did not think she was evil by any means, but I did definitely think she had some mysterious past of her own, which would be appropriate to refer to in the course of the story in a subtle way. Maybe this could be used to solve the problem with the "professional" face: perhaps a sphinx-like face or some other enigmatic animal. Clothing descriptions might also be a way to throw in a hint to the reader. I also found myself wondering if there was a king and where he was. And exactly what the power dynamic was between the throne and the wizards. When they are called in to examine horse and girl, I got the impression it was from far away, but it becomes apparent as the story moves forward that they are a part of the court. Obsv, this is not the story for complex worldbuilding of politics but making that relationship more clear would ratchet up the tension. Notes while reading: p 1 - "horse ambled towards her" - It seemed like a short sentence for the horse to get all the way to her and then have her follow it back into the woods. I imagine this to take quite a while and so it seemed abrupt to be covered in one sentence. p 2 - "yet no word passed between them" - It's all well and good to assert this, yet it's still telling. Telling fits with this style of storytelling, but I still think it would be better to have some of the secrets stated for the reader. ie She could see in its glistening eyes that it understood the long hours of drudgery serving at the whim of another. And it could tell from her bare feet that she likewise longed to run through green pastures, etc. etc. p 3 - He becomes friends with both of them? This can't turn out happily. And what happened to the fact that she needed to get back to work? That point is kind of dropped. Wait, they didn't question the horse girl at all? So no one talked to her before the other girl told them she used to be a horse? I don't buy it. p 4 - What about her previous master who made her so sad? I feel like this loose end needs tying up. "could no longer speak" - But no one knew she could speak in the first place and we haven't heard her say anything. This seems off even for an omniscient narrator. p 6 - "carved out of its flesh" - Uh, what now? Just a paragraph before he loved them both and now he readily agrees to this because his love is more important than friendship. Seems inconsistent. But this is also a fable/myth style, and I'll acknowledge stranger things happen in Greek myths. p 8 - Well okay then. That was an interesting twist to the ending. I'l have to admit that I found the girl to be rather placid and boring, kind of like a tame horse, so maybe appropriate and why they are good with this situation.

I'm not confused about what the pill is, I'm confused about where it came from. Does he just carry shock pills in his pocket or did he pull them out of his car? Unless you're going for the oddness value of them appearing from nowhere, you may want to add something like, "He slammed closed the truck and handed each of them a pill." Just makes him seem like a drug dealer if they appear out of nowhere.

More thoughts after reading everyone's comments: Definite yes to adding a little more detail to the magic system. Though it's a short story, throwing in a few intriguing details will help to make the world seemed real. Halfway through the story, I found myself wondering what happened when people just sang, you know, to their kids or for entertainment. Is there a magic associated with that? Especially since the vocal magic seems so much more powerful. I was okay with raising A being super easy. I felt like the real heart of the story was the choice to do something distasteful or heretical to save the country. If that is the true heart of the story, it doesn't matter that implementing that choice is easy. You would need to implement some more development of what the protagonist is sacrificing (who is she leaving behind, what happens to her religiously if she does this, etc) and then implement that sacrifice into the story. If, on the other hand, the story is supposed to be about raising the sinking city, more emphasis needs to be on the methods for saving the city and convincing others that this is okay.

Overall thoughts: I really enjoyed this story. The magic system worked for me even as someone who isn't really a music person. A's personality was hilarious, and I think it could be played up a bit more. E felt a bit boring. I wasn't quite sure what her personality was other than her one big decision to become a heretic. And therein lies the problem. I felt like the most epic part of the story was her decision to use magic she felt was horrible to save her city, but then after only a brief standoff with the guards, everyone ends up being fine with it. I feel like there needed to be a consequence for what she did: either she should have been exiled or perhaps it results in some other dramatic change to the country. I also wasn't sure of the significance of her getting to play with A. This would work if A was trying to keep her from getting exiled by showing approval, but otherwise it seems kind of unearned. All she did was wake A up. She didn't have to figure anything out. I had expected her to learn more about the vital magic A had, to have some kind of revelation, but in the end, they just save the day and that's it. Notes while I was reading: pg. 2 - Wow, this first page is depressing and resigned, which I think is the point. It does a good job of getting across the magic system and the tone of the story. pg. 5 - "my intended purpose in your country has nothing to do with either of the magical domains V have power over." - This seems a bit on the nose and verbose to me, like you're trying to make sure we understood that these were the two domains vocalists have power over. I already got that. Trim this to make it more natural. pg. 6 - "E recalled the previous day’s argument among the R P." - I didn't realize this was the same character as the first section until this point. Why is an important cabinet member interviewing people for access to the country? Is she important? Is this a normal interview or special because of the nature of the researcher? I am unsure and now I want to know. pg. 7 - "E was no exception, and she had just slid the first bite of deliciousness incarnate into her mouth when the floor started to tilt" - Again, she doesn't show up until after I thought the scene was going to be about the baker. Maybe make the description of the shop incorporate her perspective more. pg. 10 - "She bought a ticket to S that night." - Wait, she's running away? This made me really mad at her. pg. 11 - "E pushed herself out of the chair and crossed to the door of the lounge just as C put his foot on the stairs leading up to the guest rooms." - Oh oh, she's going to talk to the researcher. I get it now. pg. 12 - "the citizenry are desperately trying not to show how close to panic they are.” - Are they, though? I can't picture what this would look like. pg. 13 - "I think I can be a heretic if I have to." - I love this line! Wish I had written it. "The small island that housed A’s tomb was known as the M D." - Every section in this story has started with the description of a location. It's starting to feel a little boring; unless it's intentional, maybe mix it up a bit. pg. 15 - "C paced around the tomb, trailing his fingers across the bas-reliefs on the walls. “C, I don’t know how much time—” - I was confused for just a second about who was speaking because these are in the same paragraph, though using his name at the beginning of the quote helps. Maybe put in some stage direction for E to help the reader figure it out. pg. 20 - "Each evening, after she returned to her rest, several of the R V shored up C’s throat with their Music." - I feel like C's voice having problems could have been something shown in the story. It would add to the epic scope.

Having not read the first version, I did enjoy this version. I liked that you could really tell this was a different perspective from the language choices. Still not tons of comments as I'm trying to get my feet under me in the story, but here goes: p. 3 - I wasn't sure who did the initial name-calling at Mor. The previous sentence made it sound like it was E since she was the last referred to. p. 6 - I'm wondering if it's in character for everyone's weapons to be identified in only a second, especially when she's also diving for cover. I would assume M knows a lot about weapons from this. Don't know much about her, so I can't judge. p. 7 - She can identify guns, but not tell what the flash/smoke bomb is? p. 8 - “Where’s my robot?” she demanded. - This is another part when I was confused about who "she" is. There is more than one woman and Eve was the last mentioned. I guess a more familiar reader would know the robot belonged to M, but it still couldn't hurt to say "M said" instead of "she said." "finished dispensing a pill to each of them then waved them into the truck." - Where are these pills coming from? I could use some description. p. 9 - The paragraph where they discuss where to go was confusing for me. Why is he giving them the choice? And the initial sentence threw me off as I didn't figure out what they were discussing until the end of the sentence. p. 10 - "When the rust came down, adults either freaked out or looked for a drink; maybe both. She had no wish to try it again." - This was unclear to me until I read the next sentence. I think it's because the antecedent to "it" is unclear. Clearly it should be alcohol in general, but the last thing referred to is "both" which referred to "freaked out" and "a drink" which isn't exactly the same as alcohol. I understand after reading the sentence after these, but I think this needs reworking. If M hasn't ever really drunk alcohol, would she really know/care about the identity of their drinks? I know as a tea-totaling Mormon with zero alcohol experience, there's no way I would remember/care about the names of drinks people ordered. I'd describe their color, maybe. But that's me, and I don't know the character. p. 13 - " If it’s digital," - If what's digital? This sentence was unclear. I didn't quite get the emotional jump that made MC flip out and reveal his identity. It did not land for me. p. 14 - "The curfew; we’re exhausted" - I don't think a semicolon is the right punctuation choice. This sounds like a trailing off sentence, in which case I'd go with ellipsis or em-dash.

Now working to catch up on this story, though coming in the middle, I'm not sure I'll be of help. p. 3 - "grasping the handle as unbearable pain lanced his shoulder" - seems like the pain should come first so we know why he's grasping the doorknob. "scintillating" - I use/have seen this word mostly used as a synonym for "fascinating" as is "scintillating conversation." This use of the word struck me as odd. "Ignorant to the fact it wasn’t food, tearing at synthetic flesh" - sentence fragment, though possibly intentional? I couldn't quite tell, so thought I'd point it out. p. 4 - " two, three, four pistol shots made him wince, wince, wince." - Three winces for four shots? I couldn't figure that out. "hoody" - Generally I see this spelled "hoodie" and the google docs spell check agrees. p. 5 - I was also tripped up by the pronoun switch. Couldn't tell what triggered it. You should make this very clear, as I at first came to the conclusion that we were discussing yet another person. I also got confused over the takeover of the android. I wasn't sure if xe was talking to Eighty or another android that came in with the team. But could be a "new reader in the middle of the book" mistake. p.6 - I was confused by the hospital/shipping container description. Maybe it's my unfamiliarity with the situation, but why is their medical facility in a shipping container? Or is this just a metaphor? I am confused. p. 11 - You mention that getting a line out will cause E to strip the flesh from its fingers, but then you never show the android actually doing that. Did it happen? Did people wince? Not many comments on the rest as I couldn't follow the logic of the case, being new. I'm going to keep trying to understand before commenting on it.

Finally caught up on this story. I felt like the creative ways of using the Symph to hinder the creatures were good, but it kind of felt like they came out of nowhere. I mean, this Speaker has been gathering maji from all over and none of them could think of a way to use magic to stop these guys, then our heroes go and find 3-4 ways to do it within a few minutes? It makes it seem less amazing and not really very hard. Then again, on page 10, M says "few could do what you did," so maybe some did manage to fight back? I need clarification on the direness of the situation. I also questioned why the Speaker sent an old and scared servant into the city to look for surviving maji. Shouldn't you send someone who has a chance of running away/defending themselves? This gave me the impression that the Speaker was cruel or unfeeling, which didn't seem to be a point you were trying to make. And the way he first spoke to them made me think he'd been sent specifically to look for them, rather than maji in general. This becomes clear later, at the end of the fight, but I was baffled as to how he knew they would be there. I also felt like the emotional reactions in the battle scene were a bit muted. In chapters 1 & 2, everyone got super emotional about everything, and now R is barely slightly worried that her lover might get eaten because he's slow? I just don't get a sense of urgency or worry. More like they are spit-balling at a problem. I felt like O's suggestion on page 15 that they are going after complexity seemed like a bit of an unjustified leap. Living beings could equal complexity, but it could also equal movement or many other things. It seemed to be jumping to conclusions for the sake of the plot. This whole debate needs to be either cut, or fleshed out so that the arguments feel like real people arguing. You could also give them something to do during the discussion, perhaps eating or playing a card game, so it's not a talking head scene. The image of an "irrate apple masher" on page 6 made me laugh out loud. Not sure if that's the effect you were going for, but I found it hilarious.

Not as late as me, @Robinski! I thought the characterization & dialogue in this chapter was much better than the previous three chapters. I actually started to get a hold of these aliens as opposed to chapter 3 where I couldn't picture anyone. The exception was the narrator, R, though I'm going to assume established readers get her already. I enjoyed the descriptions as well. Finally we got a (very) not white box scene. Yay! I couldn't really picture what the servants were doing bringing in those cylinders though. Were they trying to make benches or just alter the physical landscape with shapes? I couldn't decide, but maybe that's the point--it's weird and based on some priority their species has that the rest don't. I didn't think the discussion in this chapter was a problem. I would probably add more actions, but not action per say. If they have just escaped a stressful situation and haven't slept for two days, they might do more than stand around drinking pink drinks. I'm thinking food and rest. But that's just me. Also, you say the pink drink was tasty, but what did it taste like? Tastes are hard to describe, but it seems lame to just say "tasty." When R first realizes she can't talk to HD, I was really confused since the Net had been translating for her two paragraphs before. A better explanation came two paragraphs later, but just know I was lost for a bit there. The one thing I didn't understand in this scene was why K was so keen to find their apprentice. Presumably, everyone knows someone who is in danger from this threat; why care about this particular one? I also didn't understand why they thought they would find more information about what happened at the Spire. I was under the impression that the E that appeared were completely novel. What kind of info are they expecting to find? It seems that research is every chapter's answer to the problem so far, but I don't understand why people think this research exists. That said, this could be a new reader mistake.