hey guys what if I'm enby or maybe genderfluid?
cuz idk how I actually feel about ppl referring to me as female or as male. IRL, that is. And I sorta liked when ppl used they/them for me? (I didn't tell them what to use, rlly. Or I did and they used it on their own.) For some reason one time I disliked it (a few months back), but now I don't mind? Idk. And maybe it's just my new view telling me I shouldn't like male he/him and stuff and should like female and she/her and stuff? But it feels awkward? Or I don't know what to feel? Or aren't ready? Idk. When ppl I'm out to use she/her/female stuff.
Idk how I feel but I know how I'm "supposed" to feel.
And, I've started to have doubts. Possibly because I've been feeling more comfortable abt myself and now I'm like "wait, I'm feeling good/better now. That means nothing's wrong!" when in reality I'm feeling better ... cuz I'm wearing new clothes and painting my nails etc. At least I'm fairly sure.
It's also hard to compare present to past since I didn't/don't? have a life, kinda.
I also feel like I'm different from other trans ppl. And yes, "everyone has their own journey." But ppl seem surprised when I say I figured out a month ago and don't mind wearing new clothes in public and am considering coming out and stuff.
And...I thought about HRT but it's only been a month so yeah. Ppl said I should probably wait. I could not be trans anyway. I hope I'm not cis at least. I hope I'm queer in some way. I guess...I said/thought a few days ago I was comfortable being trans, but now that ppl I'm out to talk abt it and call me trans and woman and stuff, I'm not so sure... Part of it could also be because I don't feel like I...pass as a woman. Don't feel like a woman? Not yet?
Since I'm talking not just abt trans stuff (and so I don't double-post) I'm putting this in CGD, but feel free to continue it in THT. But, I would like to hear from some of the enbies or gender-fluid ppl here. @Ink and Embers are you enby? I forget. Sorry if that's a mistake, but I think yous said you were.
Plus, what if I'm wrong? Yes, everything is reversible. Idk. Yada-yada.
And talking about it to ppl has made me doubt and think I might be fine with male. How do I know if I like/want to be a woman? How do I know? How do I know feelings? Maybe it's just that I feel I'm not quite or not fully a woman or not a woman. I want ppl to see me as a woman but know/fear they probably don't. I want them to see me as at least queer but I doubt they do. Maybe they do. Maybe they don't. My hair isn't even dyed yet. I don't even know what people think when they see me. I wish I could know what ppl are thinking and they could know what I am. Probably more the latter. Then I wouldn't have to talk to strangers and they'd talk to me..Then I'd talk to people. Then they'd possibly know what I think/feel and relate.
Do ppl see me as a woman? How will I know when? I don't feel like women will like me unless they see me as one. I fear men will still...*pause to think*...see me as one of them. I have a friend, maybe, but he's a guy! (I think.) I want. I want to. I want to ... idk. Do I even want to? Do I even want to be friends with women? Do I want to be friends with men? Why don't I. Why am I slightly disappointed that my first friend is a man? He's cool, yes. And I'm glad I have a friend (I think I have one, that is). But I wish I could (also?) have a woman friend. One who wanted to talk to me and didn't see me as a man. I want people. I want to talk to people. I want to be with people. I want to be a person. Why am I different? Why am I so very different? Are y'all different? Is it the neurodivergence? The possible being trans? Is it just cuz I'm weird? WhyYYY!‽!?
I want to get to know people, to. But it all feels weird. Perhaps not truly what I want. I want friendship, and at the same time think it's not-all-it's-cracked-up-to-be. It's work, right? Or maybe just not Me. Like any friendship would be "me," not Me. Not whoever Me is, whether woman or not. Maybe that's why I don't feel fulfilled or satisfied from the "friendships" I've had. They've all been..."friendships"...but also didn't quite feel friendship-y enough. Not a deep enough bond or connection. Not close. Not friends. Not truly. Not. Maybe it's because they were also all male. Maybe that's why. Of the single-digit, single-hand number of friends I've had, they've all been males. From boys2men, they've all been male. I've wanted to be friends with some of the women I've met. I always mistook that for attraction. Or perhaps it was both. Perhaps I thought... wrongly or not wrongly.
But...I can be a woman and be friends with men, and can be a man and be friends with women. It just doesn't feel that way. Not at all. Unless...yeah. Maybe I just don't like guys. Never have. You all probably like having friends men and women and all the every. But I don't particularly like men, even if I am around them. IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT. IT DOESN'T FEEL TRUE, OR FULL, OR WHAT I COULD HAVE. NOT THE FULL POTENTIAL OF FRIENDSHIP OR COMMUNICATION.
When I'm in a room of men, it's... it's something. It's perhaps not what I'd like. It's perhaps like I don't belong. When I'm in a room with...women. When I'm in a room with women, I fear they'll see me as the outsider. I fear they won't want me there.
When I talk to a man, what do I feel? When I talk to a man, he's fine. He's a man. Hmm. When I talk to a man, ...
When I think of a man, it's odd. It's a feeling. I don't particularly like it. They're men; beer and talking weirdly and sports and videogames and beards and not and that-type-of-clothing and loud and boisterous and move-y-around-y and...manspreading maybe? I also don't particularly like stereotypes. Maybe just because I thought of myself as a man and therefore felt they included me when, in fact, I saw myself as (and probably am/was) outside those stuff.
Is what I'm saying bad? I feel like I can't talk about women at all. I fear I'll be like one-of-those-men and...yeah.
Ugh.
Whelp...I would maybe write more but unfortunately life calls. Life. Life. Duties. Work. Ugh. Life. Yes. Great..Kay. uh-huh. yeah. sure. I'll do it. I'll do it..oh i forgot. oopsie. oops. yes. *wants you1 to leave and shut up* *wants you2 to talk to me or me to talk to you.*
hehheheheheheheheh3è2êèie8ßjfí
i hate proofreadjng........ughhhhhhh.....hope i wont regret posting thiss.....sss.s..s.s.s.lemmeknow if i will...