Robinski

Many thanks for reading, Man, much appreciated. Overall... Yup, noted. Thanks. I think it's better now with these comments and changes. To some extent of course, I don't need the reader to understand the whole system from the first section of the story, but just enough to understand what is happening. I think I'm closer to that. I'm going to write, and hopefully submit, right through the first draft and then put out a shout for alpha readers. Thanks again. Really helpful comments <R>

So, where the heck do I begin... at the very beginning, of course. (It's a very fine place to start, I believe.) No problems with that. Theorize all you like, and I will sift and borrow and improve the outline Super. I can't ask much more of the title. I have this issue of another gent who has a story going with that title. His seems to be an Urban Fantasy--mine's got an actual kingdom!! Anyway, for purposes of drafting, I'm going to stick with it. I have spitballed alternatives, but haven't found a better one. I think it makes the potential for confusion even greater that mine would be a supertitle, which makes it look even more like a follow-up to a story called 'AK'. Anyway, I'll press on for now. We'll see. I'm not sure how much of a twist I've got in this one, other than G being revealed as an agent of a 'secret society'. I'll write it out and see how it goes. Yeah, I hope I can do it justice. Having searched through Goodreads and with G**gle, I'm not overly concerned about the other instances of bone magic that I've encountered. Either it does not seem central to those stories, or it is a different setting and mode of use. My story being gritty and dealing with practicalities of the magic, procurement of bones and also environmental effects (not overblown magical ones), I hope will make my story different, and compelling for different reasons, such as those you note. Yes, this is very important to my story, but as someone (there are so many people on here at the moment--it's great ) said, there is a danger of it all just taking too long--it is a novella, after all--I need to be careful to balance cost of magic and pace of story/action. Lol, and YES! This is sooo, important for the tone of the story, and will be included in my next submission, being Part 2, so I'll be fascinated to get everyone's reaction to those scene(s). I love your analysis of this. No pressure on me then!! Really though, this sort of theorising is very valuable to me at this early stage. I've not said a lot a out K & P in the outline, true, and I'd be lying if I said they were main characters, but clearly they need still to be rounded, interesting, and to contribute. That's my aim with them. I have some background for P that I hope will achieve this. K is less rounded, but I hope to discover more about him as I go. No, that's a given, 'we' need to see the magic pretty early, consistently, and to entertaining effect. That is high (top?) of my to-do list. It is just an outline, and already out of date. Lol. This is very much in character for one of them. I can't remember where or if I mentioned it, but there is a short story with these characters (3,500 words) that I submitted a few months back. It is now outmoded, as I have changed various details between then and now, but it does sort of work as a character sketch of the four 'm/c's. Love this assessment. I will mine it shamelessly in the lead up and writing of this scene. Yes, please Noted! Not after your analysis it's not!! But anyway, note what you say, and I will try to keep it all in mind. Yes, I must strive to pass the Clever Challenge. Yeah, by this time, I suspect the outline will be hanging on by its fingernails. I'm seeing it as a musketeers thing, or a Suicide Squad thing, in that I'm not sure they really will see G as a true member of the team, a la d'Artagnan / Joker, since he was D's man all along, but I'll see how it plays out. Oh yeah... Simply excellent comments, thank for all the ammunition <R>

Lol. We'll see about that

You did, and I went a bit heavy on that, which is kind of my thing, but sorry; I just stumble over that stuff when I'm trying to make progress, but my grammar brain is screaming at me "They can't do that!!" I like the sound of that. I reckon that 'empty market' is something a bit different. One 'antidote' to doing something 'familiar' like a market scene is to do it really, really well, with great description and colour and some weird/quirky details--blow all those genres market scenes out of the water. That's good. I wonder if it might be fleshed out just a little when it comes up at first, to avoid reader confusion before we get to the more fulsome explanation. I sometimes find it difficult to balance mystery and explanation--that's a failing of mine, so I can sympathise. I guess there are some things that don't need to be mysterious/intriguing. It's a pleasure to have you (and @QuirkyGrandpa) in our clutches (erm) in the group, and to torture you with our obsessive comments and nitpicking (uhh) provide constructive feedback. I sometimes forget to let people up for air (ahh) highlight the positives, but I am enjoying the story. I feel that I can feel your commitment to it, and you cannot escape (eh) I look forward to reading more

Interesting. I'll have to take a look at this with my next pass. For now, let me know what you think of the conclusion! Maybe that comment was a bit harsh. It felt like there was a lot of 'discovery of new species, scientific stuff when I wanted there to be more tension/adventure/intrigue this close to the end of the story. I think that is more like it, a reduction in tension, and maybe pace just a little with the scientific/world-building stuff, when I wanted to get right to the reveals about the portal and the palantír

Yeah, got to say the cover of Book 2 is pretty pedestrian compared to the other two. I can barely remember what's on it--some vegetation? Get them to change it when you get to the second edition. Good call on Book 3

Ha! You probably broke it with that post--2,200 words!!

This is great. Happy for you Can I get mine in a brown paper bag, please? That cover... phew!

That is a problem: I much prefer to under-think...

Finally got here. Sorry about the delay. LBLs sent separately. Some extracts below: - I like how you have paced the emergence of the m/c's burgeoning abilities as an explorer. - After the first section, I find myself thinking back to earlier parts of the story. We have had high adventure, death and danger, but the pace has taken a real dip after the discovery of the other species. Satisfying as that was, I'm wondering how you're going to pay off the story with an exciting ending, and when the pace will build up again. These sections being shorter is helping to bridge my 'flagging' a bit with the pacing, certainly. - Due to WRS, probably, I had forgotten that we'd reached the ceiling itself. I feel like that has been sort of downplayed and overshadowed by the discovery of the Gr. - I feel that m/c is insufficiently amazed at these things, like turning of N material with ones mind, and that you can sing pieces out of the wall (Just been interrupted with a page to go. I will come back and conclude, but here's as far as I got.)

I love reading new stuff on here, and very keen to get into this so, without further ado… I’m not sure how much one permits the sun to fall on them, as opposed to it doing whatever the heck it likes. I like the picture you’re building, which will draw me on, but the grammar is distracting me fairly significantly, so far. Same vein: I think ‘Her lithe figure… is a new sentence. Yep, so, a market with vendors shouting their wares is a massive fantasy cliché. I'm not saying don’t have a market, but everyone has a market, it needs to be different. Maybe the vendors all use sign language, I don’t know, something. After my initial reaction, I do like how you have ‘personalised’ two of the vendors. I think that’s well done: I feel something for them, at least, and now I can hear the market (pots banging). “The morning was bright, especially as the sunlight” – feels a bit repetitive of the first line. “Mer…” – I like the name; how it rolls off the tongue. I’ve get a nagging feeling that tense might be about to wander, but maybe it’s only “slide” where I think it should be “slid”. Foot of Page 1, typo, “The In the jungle…” “Calling out their wears wares…” – typo. Also, returning to the phrase felt like uncomfortable repetition to me, so soon after the first instance. Typo “Other girls their there” I think maybe ‘Servant’ singular, would scan better. Okay, there are several drafting and grammar issues that are tripping me up, but those are easily enough fixed, so I'm going to stop mentioning them now. I’m four pages in here and—mechanical issues aside—while I’m not bowled over, I am interested and engaged. I do have a fairly significant question in my head as I learn more about M’s situation, though, which is; How did she/her family get here, if she loves the jungle so much, and why are they trying to fit in anyway? I can surmise that it’s a diplomatic mission, as that is very much the feel of the set up, but I would like that confirmed much earlier on, so I can stop thinking about it. You gave us the m/c’s name before, but I don’t remember ‘Del’ being a part of it. Since ‘Del’ isn’t really explained here, you could drop it altogether. ‘Savage’ would be enough in this instance, to convey to me who was being referred to. “quickly” three times in quick succession at the foot of Page 7. Sorry, I know I said I wasn’t going to comment on drafting, but… More importantly, I do enjoy the uncomfortable dynamic in the dress shop. Clarity is lacking somewhat because of the roughness. I think Y & Sons is the name of the shop, so ‘Sons’ should get a capital ‘S’. Also, I noted one or two instances of ‘lady Suchandsuch’, which may be just typos, but should be ‘Lady Suchandsuch’, of course, as it’s her fully entitled name. Three days does not seem enough time. Also, with the ball being so close, I would rather have heard about it sooner in the story. ‘dressmaker’ is one word. The stooped old dressmaker wringing his hands is veering towards cliché. Again, I'm not saying don’t do it, but if you're going there, you need to make it stand out from all the other stooped, hand-wringing craftsmen. Is M the “the young Alt woman”? If so, that line is out of her PoV. “people seemed to pay attention more to her here than they did back home” – really? But didn’t you say she was the queen’s daughter? I find this hard to believe. Even though her magical abilities have not developed, she’s still the chieftain’s daughter. I’m absolutely itching to do Line-by-Line comments, but I’m resisting! On Page 10, the section about her abilities feels rather like a repetition of what we know already, rather than an expansion on that idea. I think you might consider giving more detail here, going a bit deeper. “deep green colour” – for the description of a fashion item, I would expect more specifics about the colour. For one thing, the colour is green, so I think this phrase is ‘off’, and rather could talk about a shade or tone of green. “Her silver eyes…” – wait, what?! This is a kind of fundamental detail to only be getting on Page 12. It completely changes my image of the character. “M’s eyes lighted lit up…” “This made the Alt more furious until she realized” – Yeah, I don’t think you can refer to her as ‘the Alt’, it breaks her PoV, doesn’t it? It feels wrong to me, like it’s too remote, and is very easily mistaken as a reference to someone else in the room. Hmm, nope, I’m struggling with this. I thought the man was a tailor, but he’s just some random stranger plucking a thread from her dress? I think that is still crossing the line. It’s not his place to do that. Also, his introduction here seems contrived. My instinct is screaming that this is the lover interest. The signs seem very clear. To me, his chat-up line is disappointingly bland and by-the-book. Maybe he’s a bad guy. I can hope! “…as he prodded the young woman.” – again, this just bothers me when we are in her PoV. Very interesting. Fish-out-of-water is always a compelling approach to a story, certainly for me, so I am interested. The phrasing, grammar etc. needs some ‘wordsmithing’. Apart from the typos, there passages that were unclear, and a certain amount of repetition in some of the language. That’s what editing is for, after all, and I’m remembering now that you’ve just typed this up from paper (I think?), which I hate doing!! So, I totally sympathise. Anyway, enough of that, I think you have an interesting culture clash setup here, and the premise that women are dominant in M’s tribe just adds to that nicely. I would like to see more of how their tribe works, but I suppose that may not be where the story is going, still, hoping to see that expectation in M and how it plays in the city. The introduction of the male character bothered me, because it all felt rather bland. There was good tension in the start, but then M was insufficiently outraged, I thought, but what surely was still a very forward and inappropriate gesture, I think. Overall, I'm not quite sure where I stand with the story, or rather where it is going. I know where I think it is going, and in terms of the fish-out-of-water thing, and M’s particular set of skills seem suitable to put her into the heart of some kind of political intrigue or plotting, which I would be fine with. Promising, but some of the grammar and phrasing etc. really needs an overhaul through an edit, imo. Thanks for sharing. I appreciate some of the issues that others have raised, but I did enjoy it, and hope to read more <R>

Dear all, I can only apologise for how appalling late this is, but on the up side, it really is quite short, and I'm hoping you can find it in your heart to have read in the few days remaining of this week. As usual, absolutely anything that you feel worthy of comment is fine by me. As ever, please do abbreviate the names. I've tagged for language because, well, it's me. I've tagged sex more for implied liaison and some of the language, and violence... not much and fairly tame. Again, my apologies, I'm off to do all my critiquing, which is also very late!! Robinski

Awesome! Thank you so much for reading, and these very extensive comments. I love it I do have the slight problem that I said I would submit this week, and it's Friday , however next week's roster is full so, I'm going to come back here after I've submitted (horribly late, but quite short) and reply, but you might wish to consider what I'm about to post and see if it answers any of those question...

My tuppence-worth, @QuirkyGrandpa, is to make it about the characters. Which maybe sounds obvious, but having character at the heart of your story, and wanting to know what happens to them (and usually their relationship to other characters), is a main driving force for the majority of writers. As far as technique, skills, etc. go, you can do a lot worse that listen to a few Writing Excuses podcasts (https://writingexcuses.com). Where you start (if you are not familiar with them), is entirely up to you.

I think you might want to 'hang a lantern' on that.

I know, I know--pulling your leg. It was the finishing thing, not the publishing; you've got me bang to rights with submitting to publishers

Okay, okay--I need to quash these scurrilous insinuations before it gets completely out of hand!! While I have only ever submitted one novel to a publisher (in red), I have written the following pieces, the ones in blue being completed: # Type Genre/style Words Started Draft 1 Draft 2 Draft 3 Draft 4 Draft 5 Current 11 novel fantasy 223,811 1984? 18/03/07 03/07/07 14/10/09 04/03/11 15/07/12 15/07/2012 12 novel fantasy 101,656 1990? 14/10/09 21/07/12 21/07/2012 13 novel fantasy 46,263 2007? 28/11/10 28/11/2010 16 novella supernatural 24,600 16/06/05 12/03/02 10/07/09 04/01/10 04/01/2010 15 novelette supernatural 17,370 17/06/05 12/10/08 10/10/09 10/10/2009 17 short story supernatural 1,157 24/06/05 13/09/09 13/09/2009 18 novel supernatural 63,858 14/10/08 02/01/09 01/12/12 14/03/13 14/03/2013 19 short story supernatural 967 14/10/08 24/09/09 24/09/2009 20 short story supernatural 0 02/01/09 02/01/2009 21 novella fantasy 34,998 2003? 24/03/08 14/10/09 16/06/13 16/06/2013 22 novel fantasy 91,600 01/10/13 12/07/14 18/02/2014 23 novel fantasy 500 2013 18/02/2014 24 novel fantasy 18/02/2014 25 short story SF 5,585 01/04/14 01/06/14 22/02/16 22/02/2016 26 novel fantasy 167,000 13/07/14 14/01/16 14/01/2016 27 novelette fantasy 8,892 05/04/16 05/04/2016 28 novel SF 88,616 01/09/16 01/04/17 28/05/17 29/12/17 29/12/2017 29 novella SF 1,141 16/04/18 16/04/2018 30 novel SF 56,000 01/05/17 14/05/18 14/05/2018 31 novel SF 33 short story fantasy 3,394 15/08/17 01/09/17 01/09/2017 34 novella fantasy 1,000 21/05/18 32 short story fantasy 1,498 20/07/17 26/08/17 26/08/2017 14 novel fiction 100,358 24/06/05 17/09/12 31/03/13 31/03/2013 So, there you have it. Five novels finished. Okay, my first took me 23 years to complete, but I think I've done quite well since then

That's a target I might be able to beat

What day is it? Have I submitted this week? Sorry, I'm horribly out of tune with the routine, and I owe you guys some critiques. #iblamemandamon ...for writing such an excellent novella that I just critiqued that for a week and nothing else. That and the fact that I am on holiday, and doing lots of fun stuff, of which writing is only an occasional part...

Welcome Sara. Very interesting to read your introduction, and I look forward to reading your stuff. From what you say, I'm sure you will be a great asset to RE, and hope you find us an easy going, but committed bunch

Awesome comments, Eagle--thank you so much for looking over. Delving in... Spell levels--good question, not quite at that level of detail yet. I'll see how it emerges as I write. Unicorn horn-- good point. I think I said somewhere that fairytales were a thing. Extraction--yes. I need to avoid a length Breaking B-d cooking process, unless he can back powder with him and inject, which is sort of where I was headed, but I need to balance cost of using magic with narrative/story/plot flow(pace), of course. Tech level--certainly not Victorian. Probably somewhere between Tudor and Regency, I guess(?). I'm not tremendously well acquainted with the tech levels of specific historical periods (although no doubt I should be). Super comments. Thank you

Thanks for this, Eagle, and great to hear from you! Reading the synopsis, certainly the basic premise is similar/same. Maybe I'll burn an audible credit and listen to the story, just to ensure I keep my idea, and magic system, different. I've been doing some planning and detailing of it, and I think I'm off to a good start. For one thing, I plan to keep mine fairly close to reality and real-world science as I can--apart from the massive handy-wavy initial premise, of course!! My story is very unlikely to have magic creatures in it. For another thing, I think the tone of my story will be very different to his: I'm going for gritty and irreverent realism. For example, I see there is a question on Goodreads as to whether he has a gay character, which he does, but it's brushed over. My story has a gay character too, but this will not be a passing facet of the story. More irritating to me was that van Eekhout's story has a character named M-th. FFS! Double whammy!! Thanks again, @Eagle of the Forest Path p.s. Oh, and GvE's story is a heist. At least mine is a burglary, not the same thing at all!!!

Lol. Hopefully, we can help with that.