Robinski

Silk!! Thanks so much for the comments. Well, this going to be interesting... Awesome. That is certainly a fresh perspective. I'm so pleased that you're enjoying their shenanigans. 'grok'? Is that an acronym I don't know?... Wow, it's a word! That is my lesson for the day!! SSmooth had the same reaction... For one thing, I've made a typo (corrected in the quote above), which probably didn't help. I think you've got it really. It's what you think it is, I think, an allusion to police brutality / interrogation techniques. M being cynical and over-dramatic, as usual. I wonder if that clarifies it at all? Obviously, I don't want to be explaining it all the time Responded to Mandamon above, but yes! If TOM is 163, I reckon Michael can make it to 124 and still be preforming. You may have a point. His shirt is khaki too, but shirt is singular, which is why I think khakis sounds like pants. I'll just add 'shirt'. This quote is totally going on the cover . I love that you were reading it in a bar: seems entirely appropriate. Hmm, right. I'll see what the prevailing view is, but I can see what you mean. Yeah, and of course there are no 'new' future ones, which maybe there should be, but I can't help feeling that way might lie more confusion. I'll need to think on this. Not sure I follow? You're right. Good call. I've tweaked it slightly. Well, I'm soooo glad you've read this now, as resident Canuck I wanted to have a sheriff, but my thought process told me that meant the officers must be deputies. I think it fits with the overall political picture of the NAF that I'm running here, that the US law enforcement system has been applied in future Canada. My limited research on the present day told me this: "Most provinces and territories in Canada operate a sheriffs service. Sheriffs are primarily concerned with services such as courtroom security, post-arrest prisoner transfer, serving legal processes and executing civil judgements." So, I've moved on from there, but still have the RCMP, envisaged sort of in the role of the FBI, I think, as a central agency for domestic law enforcement over the whole country. I don't come out and explain all this, but probably I should write it down somewhere. Let me know if you work it out. I think maybe I cut something and left 'possibly because' in there. I can't figure it now, so I've cut it. I've simplified it, which hopefully helps. Well E's POV does recur, and there are another couple of Mrtn's. Most are Q and M, they are not a 'vast' majority. That info does come out, but it's a bit later on. I wonder how crucial it is here? Right. That is coming too, probably more in the next chapter, but I will try and flag the corporate significance more [Done, I think]. in this chapter. Right. This is good that you flagged it. DM essentially has infiltrated the hospital. He sets the alarm off, which I never explained, and killed the other patient to take his bed. It's done in the minutes before they arrive. I could write a short story about all his covert actions in getting to Crest on from YK, crashing the plane, getting into the hospital, etc., but I'm really just asking the reader the accept all that. I will, in this chapter, try and leave a couple of tags to illuminate DM's activities [Done]. Noted. Interesting. I may only be able to spot those in a full 'verbal' read through, which will be my next task after submitting the whole thing (I hope) on RE. But, I will take that note and try to target and refine the more 'elaborate moments' [Done, have added an element of urgency too, I think]. This is a good point about the stinginess. I can do that. I'll try to keep it in mind in previous chapters, now, and going forward; provide just a bit more information at each reveal. I think that is doable without breaking anything. Okay. Yes. I'm just going into the full edit of this chapter now, so I have that in mind. Really great comments. Thank you so much for reading

Yes, good point. In that situation I would think the brakes would have been squealing as it passed them. That would give them a chance to see in the windows, perhaps, because of the slower speed under deceleration. Then again, that would perhaps mean that the steam wouldn't work, if it was someone else being almost hit by the train.

Her targets are firmly set on my increased social media profile, so I think the writing itself is under the radar. It's more about efficient use of the time I have than anything else. I won't hesitate to 'throw you under the train' if needs must though...

Hey SSmooth, thanks for reading. I think it's totally permissible to be confused be every submission, and entirely possible that every submission is confusing (in some way)!! Understood, I can sympathise with your reaction. I think that chimes with the others. I think I've increased the stakes a bit at the end of Chp.5, but in editing this chapter, I acknowledge I need to try and up the stakes in both interviews [Done]. Acknowledged. I have taken an action to improve M's scene here, and make it pay off better. I hope that it'll address the clarity too. I love that you were excited to read M, but sorry I fluffed it! Umm, yes, but I don't think it's come over well that Mr is seeking to set Q up by drugging him instead of just killing him (and Mt). The cops knew nothing about any of this, so I'm going to have to clean up various things in this chapter, I think. For one thing, I've made a typo (corrected in the quote above), which probably didn't help. I think you've got it really. It's what you think it is, I think, an allusion to police brutality / interrogation techniques. M being cynical and over-dramatic, as usual. Maybe italicised? Actually, I've just cut 'I mean'. I take your point, it is a bit on, on consideration. Okay. Probably, I will reword this line in the edit [Done]. On reading now, it does seem a bit out of context, and not working hard enough as a parting line. I agree with this. Yeah. Tagged for edit. I think I'll be revising quite heavily to make the interrogations scenes work harder. Great comments. Thanks so much for reading

Hey, Aeromancer, great to have your comments on this! Cool. Excellent! Yes, it's very much supposed to be a call back to all the shows I love, like The Rockford Files and Magnum: P.I. It's not, actually. There's a Pikachu reference in TMM. I envision a future where Pokemon has been raised to high art, and is the subject of literary treatises and conferences in the way Tolkien is now. At the very least, I expect it's still on reruns. Fair point. She's trying to get some information from the guy, but I agree it's not a big payoff, and @Mandamon has flagged a similar issue in thinking that the scene(s) in the sheriff's office don't achieve much. So, I'm going into this chapter edit with an action to up the stakes of the sheriff interviews of Q and M [Done, I think, somewhat. More info anyway.] Awesome!! This is actually san issue for me. I set out with an end in mind, and it hasn't played out in the first draft. So, I have an overarching to increase the role of carb. in the story [Answered in my own head.] closer to the role I imagined originally. Erm, no. That wasn't my intention. The laying on of hands has much wider religious meaning than the spell in D&D, which I did not know about (I've played about every RPG system apart from D&D, strangely.) Here is the intro from wiki "The laying on of hands is a religious practice. In Judaism it accompanies the conferring of a blessing or authority. In Christian churches, this practice is used as both a symbolic and formal method of invoking the Holy Spirit primarily during baptisms and confirmations, healing services, blessings..." D as in Drk Mrtn? He's introduced in this story in Chp.3, then appears in Chp.4 and 5 before we get to this appearance. Thanks for taking the time to catch up, that's great I'm certainly going to tackle M's scene, as noted above. Thanks for calling that.

So, yay. I think I am successfully channelling my post-WorldCon turbo boost and getting caught up. All critiques finished on Wednesday A.M. #newrobinski Thanks for the great comments, @Mandamon. Your work ethic has played a significant part in me refocusing my energy on this writing malarky. I tip my hat to you, sir. (I do have a hat, I just hardly ever wear it. To the comment cave, Robin(ski)! Right. I'll examine this in the chapter edit [Done, and improved, I think]. I can recognise where the comment comes from. Lol, quite possibly . In 2099, Bublé would be 124, so still well short of T.O.M. at 163. Yep. There is an anomaly here, thanks for flagging. I've known about it but not properly confronted it. I need go back to Chapter 5 and have Sheriff K to set this up [Done]. There was intended to be a flag from Q of him triggering it, but it's not all that clear, and the rationale is not strong at present. I will fix this to have a stronger rationale both for the questioning and the argument [Done]. See previous comment Yes. When Q makes his first reveal to Mth in Chapter 05, he explains that J was institutionalised after the child was taken by Mrtn. WRS, I think. Mer is mentioned in Chapter 05 by R. Q then considered what she might be to R. More WRS, I suspect. I now use the word 'Book' to mean tablet device. I introduced it later, but now have a line in Chapter 04 where TT uses her Book to check the stick Mrtn gave her. However, I cunningly have capitalised it here, so how would you know it was special? I've done so now. I didn't want to call it iBook, or autoBook, digiBook, because I wanted it to be what everyone in 2099 accepted as being a 'book', implying the sad demise of physical books (apart from for a hardcore few, of course! Like the old man from G-bridge in TMM on the train with Mth). This is a good catch. This feels right to me, even before going back to read that section. I'll see how it lands with others, including those who haven't read it yet, but consider it tagged for review of the Mth questioning scene to assess flow, impact and critically information conveyed [Done, now edited up, I hope]. Yeah, this bit has never been right. I've rewritten the last scenes in Chapter 5 from when they meet K to have him arrest them for obstructing an investigation. I've also turned up the initial animosity between K and Q (although is it actually suppressed something else, maybe on Q's part?) I hope it gives a stronger rationale for them being taken in to the station and questioned. Presumably... Yeah, er, I think that's a remnant of something earlier, now deleted. Thanks. Awesome. Yes, he was the gunman, but the problem before was that he didn't have much presence in the story. What is new since last time is Q providing context by explaining in his reveal to Mth who Mrtn is and how he fits into Q's past. Glad it's working better Some great fixes there, thank you. You've finally wrangled me into tackling the whole arrest thing, which has been a problem from the start. Job well done!!

Me too, please!

Comments! From me!!! On a Wednesday morning!!!! (page 1) - "was like a cloud of angry, needle like icicles behind me, and ahead" - I read 'cloud of angry' and thought that was good, that I got completely confused. 'needle-like' needs a hyphen, wouldn't have read it three times trying to understand the context. Honestly, I'd drop the rest, 'cloud of angry' sounds great! - "which fit in bag even less well than the doll" - "knew it was about to be used and was excited" - Stormbringer, the Black Blade!!! Run for your lives!!! (page 2) - "Holding on to the pole post it ended at" - IMO. - The "believe in me" line is great. The grammar of the sentence about how true the faiths, is messy, IMO. - "large door at the bottom of the building" - This sounds like it's on a different level from them, but I guess this just means ground floor? It's a bit disorienting. - "At least that meant the door wasn’t going to slam shut behind us" - How's that? Because they can crawl underneath without opening it? (page 4) - "so much better if we had an experienced adult with us" - I appreciate the sentiment, but it's expressed in a very formal and rather stilted way. Like the way an adult would say it in that situation. I think it could be more in voice / on tone, expressed in a more childlike way... > Ah, it's a set up line. Okay, the pay off from E is good, but D's line still sounds a bit clunky to me. - "burrowing into my ears" - bleeeeeuuuchh! - "though I would not have minded old fashioned earplugs" - not quite sure of the point of this bit. (page 6) - "bone crushing grip" - I didn't get this sense when they held hands (which was a nicely done moment). - "salt water" - why salt water" I don't remember this. - There's something wrong with the light holding: who's holding who's light? Who says 'hold my light'? (page 7) - "Where the smoke touched" - because it's warm, the smoke probably will go straight up to the ceiling, rather than out. Try lighting a taper and see. - D could take her flashlight back. Seems weird that E has two flashlights and a dog and D has a free hand, presumably. - "shone the light" - E has two lights, but there's only reference to one in the last page, I think. - "another construction worker turned" - another? Is it WRS? I don't remember the first one. - What are these mannequins doing, just standing around? They're not very scary. I feel there should be more threat, that the kids should be feeling more feet. I want more tension at this point. e.g. E imagined turning the torch on at first and seeing a bunch of faces looking back: that was scarier than encountering these mannequins. - "started out targeting" - What does M get out of it? I'm not sure about motivation. - "didn’t have people to miss them" - How would M know that? (page 8) - "thorny vines of fear" - you say this, but I've not been feeling the fear as they encounter the mannequins, and this is kind of telling me to be afraid. - "incense cutting through the abnormal darkness" - I don't buy this I'm afraid, for reasons stated previously. The length of time required for the intense to fill that kind of space laterally to produce the effect, I think would be far longer than the stick of intense would last, or smoke it could produce. - "We were surrounded" - How could they not see that with torches? Oh, the abnormal darkness? Meh, I'm really not sold not he intense/darkness thing yet. (page 9) - "like an actual gremlin" Umm, expect gremlins ain't real. - "Don’t look in their eyes" I think this line should come sooner. (page 10) - "watch" - I feel the threat level is confused. 'watch' is not an urgent thing. I think it needs to be clearer that there is a standoff (I presume?) and that as long as they don't look in the eyes (of all the mannequins, or just M?) they can't be harmed by them. Is that right, that the mannequins can't strangle them (for example)? - "The cord connects to the life" - Hmm, where does this come from? How does D know that? - Who is Dar? I don't remember him. (page 11) - E was going to feel the net, but D is the one calling the ghost energy. That's kind of confusing. So the net is different, not formed from ghost energy. Also, I've not got any sense of this spectral net: what is it supposed to do? There is a much more real and present physical 'web' of actual mannequins in front of them, but it doesn't seem to be much threat at all. I'm not really feeling enough of a specific threat, and therefore my focus is kind of split and confused. - Good action and 'fencing'/combat on this page. My only issue is I'm not sure how E can make these attacks that sound like they are flat to the target, which would require the wrist to be at a very awkward attacking angle. In this situation, facing a target, attacks normally would be thrusting with the point, or slashing with the tip or edge of the sword, depending on the type of sword (which I'm not sure has been set up). (page 12) - The sentence with the hiss and the 'thank you' (two words, obvs), is kind of confused. - More good fight action on this page, unexpected things happening, and following pretty logically from the action before. I'm liking the fight. Tidying it up will make it stronger and tighter still. (page 13) - "ceased moving" - This is out of character voice, for me. - "one of the animals" - Huh? I thought it was just G? What is the other animal? - "came out of its socket" - LOL, but also kind of eww. That's good! (page 14) - "stabbed the sword down into the mannequins gut" - So, isn't this going to harm the person inside when they change back? If the answer is because E knows that is not a 'person' mannequin, then I have to say I'm completely confused over which one is which. Maybe E and D know, but I don't. - "laughing or hyperventilating" - good, I think we need more of this little emotional stress flags, certainly earlier on as they are making their way through the basement/building, to ramp up the tension. - "that had ghost energy in them" - this sounds like they still do, but I presume they don't now. Overall The fight is good, lots of good elements and quite nasty and icky details. I liked that a good deal, but I think it needs tidied up (not just in the grammar, missing words, typos, etc.- remember: proofreading services on offer. I want to read this whole thing again.) Where I felt this chapter lacked was in the tension department. The lead up going through the basement lacked the tension that I wanted. Then there was the issue with the smoke from an incense stick, which is never going to fill that volume of space. Finally, a big issue for me was the M had drawn them into the ambush, but seemed to play no part in it, and at the end, where is M? Just standing in the corner, or gone? I think you need to flag that M has left on seeing that the attack has not been successful. Another thing, when the fight is ongoing, there's nothing about not liking in the eyes of the mannequins. I think that needs to be a constant threat and they need to keep reminding each other, and maybe almost looking in the eyes, but managing to shut there's or look away just in time. Maybe E glances at the eyes of one mannequin and starts to feel weird, but D pushes E to the side and breaks the stare. I just think we need to see the threats that you have already set up (M and the stare) playing some part in the fight. Good job though, a good chapter, which I would have ripped through really quickly if not stopping to make comments. I'm still invested in what's going to happen but would be even more so if the above points are addressed. Thanks for sharing

Oh, so how did it get onto the floor? Someone must have been holding it to take it out of the pack? Maybe I just misread and made the wrong assumption.

Comments. (page 1) - I'm nonplussed by the epigraph. It feels like we're past the point of this being all that relevant. Also, we don't know whose POV it's in, and it's backward looking. (page 2) - "bricks rubbed against each other" - If the tunnel is made of brick, the bricks will have mortar between them, so they won't be rubbing together. Also, if the mortar holding the bricks in place is disintegrating to the degree suggested, then some bricks will be falling out of this tunnel structure, I think. When you lose bricks from an arch structure like this, it's unlikely to last very long without at least a localised collapse. - At the end of the last chapter, the last line was 'woken by a train'. This chapter starts with Z not knowing what's going on. This feels kind of like a POV cheat, and I felt frustrated at the start of the chapter. - "pair of clothes" - just fresh clothes, I would think. (page 3) - I'm not getting enough sense of urgency in them clearing the tracks. They are joking around, but if the train is travelling that fast they will not have this amount of time for chatting. It's an opportunity for real stress and danger, but I'm not feeling it because of all the stuff about people waking up and packing. The end of the last chapter implied imminent threat, so I'm feeling ripped by the cliffhanger at the end of the last chapter. (page 5) - "frenzied alarm" - for reasons above, I'm not feeling frenzied alarm at all, not feeling any urgency. I suggest researching this subject more fully. I know it's different in a tunnel, but as a professional transportation engineer, I am aware of the dangers of working not he railway. Rail workers can be in huge danger and this is why safety system are so stringent and work on the railway so highly controlled. Take a look at this link ( https://www.quora.com/Is-it-true-that-if-you-are-on-the-railroad-track-you-can-t-hear-a-train-coming-If-so-how-does-this-happen ). It's not describing your situation, but I am positive that they do not have the kind of time they are taking to get out of the way of this train. At best, they will have a handful of minutes. - "is the tunnel structurally sound" - It really is not. Professional engineer here: it's not. (page 6) - "Clack, clack, clack" - there's not sense of the train getting louder or closer. - I skimmed the big mass of text with no punctuation. I guess you're going for stress and breathlessness. I'd rather have the sound as the focus, but I'm not feeling as much as I think I should in terms of physical signs of the train. And the time. Way, way, way too long, as noted above. (page 7) - "hated being touched, she hated anyone in her bubble" - But she held M's hand, seems a bit contradictory. (page 8) - Sorry, I'm going again on the train. They heard the train in the last chapter and we're on Page 8, after casually rolling up bedding, walking to the alcove, and the thing that stresses them out is the darkness first, it seems. Sorry I'm droning on about this, but this is not convincing for me, and that makes me skim and rush through the chapter to get past the bit that is frustrating me. - The stuff about the pull is good. Could maybe be a bit more description of her feeling movement, clothes flapping, more concrete 'showing' signs of the train's passing. - "is about to coalesce" - This is a good, exciting, unexpected thing to happen at the end of the chapter, in a moment of stress. My difficulty is that I've forgotten what this means. Would I have remembered if not for WRS? Maybe. - "she saw light flare" - The last person mentioned was Ma, so at first I thought it was Ma who saw the flare, just for a moment. - "it was still dark" - confused, because it wasn't totally dark when the train was passing, and it wasn't dark because of the lantern, so how can it 'still' be dark? - Also, there's nothing about the noise of the train receding, or the pull having stopped, or other stuff like that, other physical cues and sensations to put me in the moment. (page 9) - "It stopped" - Train time again. To be going fast enough to make all that pull and noise, the train has to be travelling at a good lick. Here is an extract (top hit on 'search engine' from the Minnesota Safety Council "An 8-car passenger train moving at 80 miles an hour needs about a mile to stop." Okay, our train does not have 8 cars, it has 5. The shriek didn't come from our group, I'm presuming it came from someone else in the tunnel? For the train to react to having hit someone, it is going to be a long way away before it comes to a halt, surely far enough away that there must be a good chance they are not able to tell that the train has stopped at all. Overall I would have enjoyed this chapter just fine, BUT, the significant barrier to that was the logistic and mechanics of the train. As a transportation engineer, I just don't believe them, and I'm afraid that undermines the other perfectly stuff in the chapter, for me. I liked the tension of the train approaching, it's a good stressful, exciting situation if the pacing of it meshes with the mechanical side. Also, the coalescing... I wonder if there is a way to drop a very quick reminder for the reader. I think I remember that Z doesn't have an S/L at all. I had forgotten that in the stress of the train passing, I think. This can be a really good chapter, I think, if it's representative of real world mechanics and physics of the train. Thanks for sharing!

Don't give it a second thought. Life is happening to you, and not in a good way. Some things come before writing. We'll still be here.

I'm going to go ahead and disagree here , I think the line being more sparse drives home the message and really distills the essence of the song, making the listener concentrate on the words that are there. Totally agree. Good point. I totally missed that, but it's a good point. Yup, another good point, especially when 'peace' runs into another 'ess' sound in 'starts'. What about replacing 'peace' with 'dream(s)', or is that starting to creep off message for the song a bit? I think it would work well vocally. Erm, gotta say I think 'relaxing' is kinda weak. Same! Maybe we need a dedicated 'Other Media' thread for songs, poetry, etc. I too am going to go off and learn the song, like @Jark K. Remol

Yay!! Must be honest, this was not the song I was expecting you to submit. I thought it came over well Live @WorldCon Dublin (plug, plug). So, comments, I've got a few, but then again, too few to mention... but I'll mention them anyway In no particular order, I guess. 1 - "griefs" at the end of Chorus, Line 3: I hear it as 'greed', I thing perhaps because it's in fairly low register. I'm not sure how you would bring it up or lift the clarity without it sounding weird. Could it be something else? 'Need' (meh), 2 - Not keen on 'discover my best self'. It comes over like management speak, or self help agent aunt terminology that I think it out of step with the emotional resonance of the song as a whole. 3 - "Your world's part of mine" - There's a reading of that line which says the other person's world is smaller, and therefore fits inside the singer's world. Maybe that's just my twisted interpretation (***inferiority complex alert***, evacuate the area!!), but--if you thought that was an issue--I tried to solve the problem I've created out of nothing... > We don’t live on Cloud Nine but I’m glad part of your world’s part of mine - So, all very well, but you lose 'glad', which is probably less than ideal. And maybe I'm just totally fabricating the issue in the first place. 4 - In the last chorus, when the tempo halves(?) for the first two lines, on the second line, when we're linking back to the regular tempo, the chord/strum pattern under "across the widest sea" seems odd to me, kind of disjointed. In fact, the four notes in the first line of that slow section also seem out of step with the lyrics. It may just be this recording, and I don't have a guitar with me here in the coffee shop, so I'm not going to make any wonderful suggestions in this sitting, but that slow section feels a bit off to me. I like what it's doing, but I wonder if there's another way to draw the tempo back. One option (I was I could test this other than in my head, would be to only have two notes in the first line, and let each one resonate. I would also suggest they might be more freeform and not necessarily follow the beat exactly. The more I listen, I can hear what's happening at the end of the second line with the four notes, but I don't think it flows or meshes with the rest of this chorus. I wonder if it would work going straight back into the full strum pattern for the last bit of that second line. Exiting: Suggested: O O O O . O O O O O O . So, there we go. I don't know if I've been any help at all! What was the issue that you were feeling again? I'm off to read the other comments now. Very keen to hear what the others think. And, this all happens on a spaceship, right? Thanks for sharing.

Hey everybody, I am eternally grateful for your help with and feedback on this thing. I present to you Chapter 8. Usual stuff. Have at it, if you're willing. Chapter recap: 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; 03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex Trick in Yellowknife, NWT; 04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem 05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances; 06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R; 07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run; Cheers, Robinski

Yeah, I'm not very good at 'running' it, but it does have 142 likes, but there's not that much engagement.

Oh, and @hawkedup, sorry to be dense, but I don't get what 'BM' means in the G**gle Doc comments. Please excuse my ignorance! p.s. I got it. Bookmark, right? I'm such a dough-head sometimes.

Hey HawkedUp, please don't worry about that. It's taking me ages to get caught up, so you're still ahead of me! Also, I'm sorry I've been so unresponsive about checking the G**gle Doc... ...which I have just done, and thank you so much for all the comments. I've been through Chapters 1 and 2, and will progress through the rest much faster now! Aw, that's great. I'm really pleased. Yeah... It's not an action from the first page sort of story. I'll be trying to get the page count down before the 'action' starts, but slower character moments are kind of a feature of these stories. They do rely on pretty heavy investment in those character moments. Right. All I can do about that at this point is mark it for the next full edit. Thanks for the comments.

Hey, SSmooth. Thank you for reading. I always appreciate your comments. I understand (so far! ). There are very different sections going on, and I appreciate that the connection(s) between them may seem a bit tenuous at the moment. Right. Fair comment. To some extent, I think it will play better on a continuous read through, where I hope it's clear that the election is a thread that appears in almost all of the chapters. I'll hold onto to it for the moment and measure (complete) alpha reader reaction too. Hmm, okay. Well, there is that fact that it's Book 2, so hopefully folks reading it would be onboard and grant me a little trust, as you say . I'm not saying that I won't try to strengthen the connections between the two location threads in another edit though. I can't argue with this. I think maybe I will keep trying to trim down the other POV chapters, and the opening Q and M ones, to make them as tight as possible. I like to inspire my readers however I can Yeah. I'm thinking this would be okay on a 'regular' read. There is a missing word at the start (was). Maybe it's just not strong enough logically. I've tidied it up, made it more compact. Hmm, yes: relying on your patience here a little, I guess. Well, yes the date stamps do do that, however, they also tag location. Mor, E and T are in Yellowknife in the Northwest Territories, whereas as Q and M are in Crest-on, which is a town about 5 miles north of the US border (Idaho). That's mentioned in narrative. I appreciate that you didn't run to an atlas to check where these places were, but they are different places What I did do in response to Mandamon's issue with timeline was add back in a tag at the start of this chapter that days '4 days later'. It was in before, but I took it out because of complaints about the chapter timeline tags. I think on balance, I'll leave this one in. Aw, that's cool. Glad this worked. I didn't want to pick a ridiculous age, but given that the oldest person to have lived (according to Wiki) was 122 (from 1875 to 1997!!), 163 did not seem so crazy. Thanks again for your comments. Very helpful to see what's working and what is not (so well).

Hey folks, So, Reading Excuses has a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/readingexcuses/)!! Who knew? If you have any writing announcements, and you want them shared, let me know here (I guess) and I can do that. Chances are I'll see them anyway on FB or TW, but I don't always know what peeps might want to share / promote. Also, any ideas for posts that are not your stuff, but general promotion of RE (if that's a thing), or anything else that's important from the writing viewpoint, I guess.

Hey ID, thanks so much for reading. Much appreciated. Yeah, I think there is a lot of WRS going on, so I'm not going to panic over much. I'm glad the chapter got there in the end of you, and I will try to cut down the travel a bit more, although I've cut it twice already before now. Still, clearly there is more scope. Yeah, I'm hoping that is the case. I'll see how the hole thing turns out once I'm through all the comments. Yes, okay. I'll be doing a word count trim in any case going through this chapter, so I'll try and take maybe a page out of the travel and see where that leaves me. That's good, and it's fair to say that it does kind of highlight the 'disparity' between the first ride and the second, but it's the crash that causes the tension, of course. They switch vehicles because N is going there and Q is hanging on the running board. M really forced it by getting in N's truck. I guess it was just easier. He gets mentioned at the start of this chapter, although he's not on screen until the encounter at the fire. That's in the next chapter, but there are two lots of questioning. They got questioned after taking Gre down, which is mentioned at the start of this chapter, then they get questioned about the plane crash in the next chapter. Thanks again for reading. I'm off to tackle that darn travel section

Hey, thanks for reading, Kais - always appreciate your comments. I'm going to put it down to WRS at this point, but will monitor what the others think. TOM was introduced when first speaking to Q, and again in Chp.3 when first speaking to Mor. I think it will be okay on continuous read through. I'm not intentionally writing it out, so I will need to ensure I keep it flagged when opportunities arise. I know you'll keep me honest in this respect! Okay. I'll watch out for those checks in your comments. I understand what you're saying. Well, it's the same TOM. I thought that would come over. There's reasons... which come out later. I'll see how it plays through the chapter. Good flag. That's my hetero default. I've changed this to "sister or friend or wife" but also made it clear in that Mer (who R is worried about) is female. Okay, I will provide more emotion from Q. In terms of their knowledge, it's the only plane from Yellowknife to Crest and they know what time R's arriving. It's a small airport (although probably bigger than it is now), so there's little scope for error. Got it. I've put in a line about K's 'magnetic and commanding presence'. How about that? Yup, same TOM. I hoped using caps in both POVs would get that over. Thanks again for the comments. More good fixes there

Hey thanks for reading, on a plane!! I'm glad this one is starting to pull its weight better. It may be that there's a bit more action, but it's just as much that the non-action has been pared down, I think. Q has never been wholly accepting of androids. In Book 1 there was a thing about him calling Eight 'it' and M saying 'he'. However, this was supposed to be more about Q's personal reaction to the massage specifically. I guess that doesn't come through from what is quite an oblique reference. I've made it less oblique. Poor phrasing. Q and M were interviewed the day after the showdown with G. I'd say this was PI standard when catching a crime without notifying the local PD. The timeline was unclear. Now fixed, I hope. Thanks. Yeah. I took out the tags that marked the time jumps from the start of some chapters, but I've put the '4 Days Later...' back in at the start of this one. Um, flashbacks, I guess? Yup, supplemented what was there last time. Glad it's working Yeah, I think I got comments that M wasn't really working so well when he appears to Q. Another good fix from the group! I will look for ways to trim those drive descriptions. Good call. The flight. I might cut this line, not sure it has any real value. That really is much of the task of this chapter, so I'm glad you enjoyed that aspect Really appreciate the comments. Thank you!

Comments (page 1) - "scraped skin off of my knee" - I wanted more physicality from the fall. I like that E doesn't feel much pain in the heat of the moment because adrenaline, but I wanted to be more 'exhilerated' by them falling. - "soared down the hill" - 'soared' is a flying word, I think a different word is needed to make the reader feel what's happening here. - "The fireman probably wouldn’t even recognize us" - firemen. - "if police say see two people speeding" - No, I'm not doing LBLs, last one for this pass. (page 2) - "giving up or falling behind" - negative things like this are less compelling, imo. I'm going to send you back a file with LBL comments so I don't clutter up the thread here. - "No emergency vehicles circled the building" - I follow another writing podcast ( ) called Death By 1,000 Cuts, it's very entertaining and where WE goes into process and ideas, genres and method, DB1KC (my abbreviation) goes much more into craft, mechanics and wordsmithing. Needless to say I love it. Some advice I've taken from DB1KC is 'don't describe what's not there, that's misleading, and not engaging for the reader, described what is there. You're really misdirecting the reader completely, if you think about it. - "and it happened again" - implies she dropped the key another three times. That seems very unlikely to me. (page 3) - I'm puzzled by the reaction to the doll having a sword. No one seems to fear an attack. That's okay, but I think you have to flag that the doll is holding the sword point down, or some such, i.e. is in a non-aggressive stance. - "carried the weight myself" - cooooool! (page 4) - "tears dripped out of her eyes" - Huh? Why is D crying? - Still crying on page 5. I don't get it. (page 5) - One moment, E is stressed out by the cyclone, then they both ignore it and start talking about cupboards, but the cyclone is still going on. - "The swirling cloud of books slowed" - I think this can and should be more dramatic. Like suddenly the books all stopped turning and fell out of the air. - "fell to the ground like feathers" - Really? They were thudding into the floor before. (page 6) - "whose remnants are more powerful" - More powerful than what? - "raging unfinished business" - Bleuch: really don't like this phrase. - "but the notebook flipped" - Is it A doing this? Unclear. (page 7) - "slammed into a space of empty shelf across the room" - I don't get what this is aiming to say. - I don't really follow A's reaction, his(?) words. I don't think his response is clear. (page 8) - "Not too often" - this is vague and that makes it unclear. - "reaching out as it formed" - What is 'it'? (page 10) - "Tears kept escaping her eyes" - Still D is crying. Is this over her mother? I just need that clarified but a couple of words. - "tears streamed out" - I think part of the problem is that (pretty much) the only word used is tears, there's little of no description of sobs, red eyes, shoulders shaking or other signs of crying. Her voice is cracked up, or affected at all, which would be a big indicator for crying, I would think. - "anything of Mom’s that might have any answers is gone" - But they found the notes in the office, so this seems to be demonstrably untrue. (page 12) - "the color of faded d/s" - Awesome line, just awesome. - "A’s doll’s head popped out of the top of my backpack" - Now, how is it that this line could remind me of WorldCon, @industrialistDragon? - Seems like there is some inconsistency in referring to A as 'he' and 'they'. Noticed at the start of Chapter 9, but think there have been other instances. - "The ride wasn’t as exciting" - I would think this would be the furthest thing from E's mind, given the stress their under. - Cycling in the woods, surely, since they are cycling now and it's a comparison. - "I couldn’t look in the woods to appreciate the moss, lichen, ferns, and small animals" - But they shouldn't be doing this anyway, surely? It doesn't seem to fit the emotional tone or mood of the story at this point. Houses are burning, mothers are in peril, spirits are gathering (maybe). This is no time to be looking at the scenery. NOW, you could have this line in, but I think only if E was thinking that they weren't able to appreciate these things, because of the terrible situation. - "every time a pickup truck rumbled by" - I wonder if maybe you need to remind the reader here about the pick-up that stopped at the house? I managed to remember it after a moment, and I've got WRS, so maybe it's okay actually. (page 13) - "Traffic slowed to a crawl" - Why? - "and snatch me" - Why would they? Seems super unlikely, and kind of take focus away from the main story, I thought. (page 14) - "a wide, pond-like area" - What is this? Isn't it just a pond? I think this needs to be more specific. Vague is not engaging. (page 17) - "shook my hand" - Really? I'm disappointed, I was hoping for something... different. - "Maybe we should leave them out for people to find" - I confused. They just happened over the skeletons, didn't they? How and why did they get where? They seem to be glossing over that. Overall Nice emotional punch at the end of Chapter 8, and some decent action and progress of the story during the chapter, I thought. I enjoyed the second chapter. Again, it felt like the story was moving forward at some pace. The thing with the bodies though, it felt disjointed to me, the rationale of how they came to be there: I did not connect with that, or manage to assimilate it. Good job overall. I'm still on board for the ride.

Project 75192: Update 15 - Bags No.10 - "Roundabout Plug in A Round Hole" So, I'm just uploading some pics from pre-WorldCon, which I would have done during WorldCon if I'd had more than 2 minutes of time not hopelessly and rapturously immersed in the whole bally thing. Ergo, there is some catching up to do. Firstly (1), an overall update. Then we start on the housing / under-building for the side sections between the curve of the stern and the 'prongs' (3,4,5), which are then installed on the underside (5). The next bit is a delightfully satisfying formation, very nicely modelled to be an excellent approximation of circular (7,8,9). In addition, there is the connecting mechanism (10) and some canon (construction not shown) which cover up the 'glass porthole'. Finally, the circular element goes into place (11) and the long connectors enable connection (duh) to the upper part of the frame (12).

Yep, that would be better for me too.