Robinski

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back onto Reading Excuses, I blame Write About Dragons; Start Write Now; NaNoWriMo and Christmas. Anyway, glad to have another portion of Haruwin to read. Repetition of ‘deal’ in different contexts close together on Page 2. I love the brain bending complexity of Praxedes’ and Anna’s mutual discovery of each other, it really took me some concentration to warp my head around it. I think it’s well done. Seems to me the full effect relies on that section being very accurate, and that if you are going to edit any scene obsessively it should be that one. I thought it was the centre piece of the opening, it’s clearly the major reveal for the story, so I would lavish a lot of attention on it. I love Praxedes' line about ‘thought you would look more academic’ (paraphrase, sorry). Page 5 repetition – ‘move’ and ‘moved’ very close together. Fashionable monkey – LOL. If Ych has dust on his shoes then the dirt street can’t be muddy, I think. I find the ‘mock-Cockney’ (or whatever) accent a bit distracting. Another interesting submission, I’ll admit to feeling a little lost in places as to where we are, but I like the complexity and keep reading with confidence that all will be explained to me in due course, as has happened so far. I like the challenge of the twin settings and the mirroring of the games, it feels like something different from any other submission I’ve read on Reading Excuses, and that in itself is a recommendation. I hope you’re going to continue to submit and push on to the end. I’d be keen to see it as a completed work on the Alpha Readers thread to have the opportunity to read the whole thing. Don’t stop writing!!

The opening of the chapter has an almost dreamlike feel to it, decent description of the surroundings and the sunset. I didn’t follow the delay in describing the monster. He’s seeing it all that time that you’re calling the thing ‘it’, and yet we have to wait so long for a description, that felt off to me. Also, Aldo’s reaction is utterly cowardly, he begs for his life, is that for real? For all that I think he’s an arrogant sod, he has at least shown a good deal of backbone, I wasn’t convinced by his sudden cowardice. Maybe I reacted like this because I didn’t know what he was fighting, it could have been a two foot chimp or a ten foot gorilla for all the description that we got. In my opinion, that fight could do with some work. The chapter are very uneven in length. For my part, that’s not a big deal. It’s good to have a short section to read if you only have a small window of opportunity, but I wonder if some of these parts are really just sections of a bigger chapter? I like the description of the first part of Mya’s fight with the werewolves, her knowing anticipation of their tactics, her satisfaction in ending the first one and her throwing her sword to kill the second. However, I don’t see any way that Mya can grow eight inches taller and still fit in her armour – impossible. I criticalled my Suspend Disbelief roll, though, so I can move on. Her ending the third werewolf is eye-wateringly gruesome – goodbye YA, hello NC-17!! Okay, now here, I can accept the ‘f**k’ as being in context (are we allowed to cuss on this forum if it’s in context?). It’s isolated and I can see that it’s justified by Mya’s sudden realisation that her charge is in extreme peril. I take it her first ‘vis’ has worn off when she invokes the second one? I like the blood mixing in the dirt, even as I suspend disbelief that it has blue blood (that roll was 57, but my skill is 45, so I still made it). It felt weird that the guy hails her and we never see him, but are told the outcome of their discussion in a sentence. Felt like a bit was missing. Why does she even bother with bow then blade when she can torch the werewolf? Seems better tactics would have saved the ranger. There seems to be a p.o.v. issue in the next scene. Whose viewpoint are we in, Aldo or Laurentius? If it’s Aldo’s he wouldn’t know the other man’s name and if it’s Laurentius’s he wouldn’t know Aldo’s feelings. We know that Also didn’t kill the werewolf at night, is that a continuity issue or is he lying to Laurentius? Cassio, really? I'm also a bit distracted by Rubumultis, which sounds like something Pooh would get when he’s hungry. I think you could drop “Aldo ignored the last part” when Laurentius refers to Aldo’s father’s situation. The reader knows there’s a mystery there, I think you’re better giving the reader the credit for filling in the blanks. If you spoon-feed everything to the reader by hanging lanterns on all the clues, the reveal will feel less rewarding. The cowardly, fat merchant is a real cliché – I know, my first book has one (sort of). Not that Laurentius is poorly written, just expected. He was some good lines though. I chuckled at him telling Mya not to blame herself. Why is Mya’s horse in town? How did they get out here? Aldo’s brashness and bravado takes a turn for the interesting here when he denies his terror at being attacked by the werewolf, as does Mya’s demeanour towards him, i.e. her concern for his mental state. I hope it’s not just a quick sidebar, that is some interesting territory, could get intriguing if he starts to bottle up his emotions – all this ‘show no fear’ stuff. Hey, I'm up to date (with your story at least) - woo hoo!

Ah, now, you've started me on something here, which I remember now I've posted about before. Brandon's magic systems are heavily prescriptive and rigidly themed, and I think that is something that comes through in some of the writing here. I don't necessarily mean this is a bad thing, but it does mean that, in a sense, all of his magic systems are the same (type), define by a single element (metal; light; sound; etc., etc.). Compare this with the approach of Tolkien, the mechanics of whose magic is basically unknowable to the reader. I'm not saying Brandon is wrong, quite the opposite, his approach always produces interesting effects and the magic system is like central character in his stories. What I'm saying is that his approach is the same, the dynamic of the system in the story is essentially the same. I suppose this is because all his stories take place in the Cosmere, and that tends to define his style (tropes). That approach to magic, I think, is one thing that often stands out in stories here as being clearly and deliberatley Sandersonian - for better or worse. I've certainly commented on stories before by saying (or at least thinking!) something along the lines of, if you don't want run the danger of being considered a Sanderson imitator, try to take a different approach to your magic system. This is a good topic - it's nice to have some discussion around subjects other than submissions.

Good shout Sprout. For my part, I've always found Brandon's style to be pretty straight-up fantasy. It's very accompalished and very detailed, engaging, but I don't find it especially distinctive, like say Moorcock, Pratchett or Vance. That's not meant to be a criticism of Brandon, I'm not convined there are many authors who you can apply the phrase 'distinctive voice' to. As for the writing on here, I think we are all striving to find our voice, so it's reasonable to assume we'll find ourself beginning in the 'middle of the road' - which I think mean I agree, Arthur! Was it Steven King who said an aspiring writer needs to write a million words before they know what you're doing? (BS quotes this in Reading Ex, but I can't remember the attributiion, sorry) - anyway, I suspect something similar is true about voice. I've read pretty much every submission since I joined and I too can think of some that stood out as being quite different in style. Interesting topic, good post. Hey, Mandamon, what are your thoughts on this topic? <invokes presence of Mandamon by performing traditional summoning dance, which as everyone knows, is both complex and unnecessary...>

Apologies if I'm repeating things that others have mentioned, then again I guess it helps to guage how promient a potential issue is. I like the description of the shaving and his reaction to being imperfect. I reckon you don’t need misshapen and unshapely, though. I didn't get that it was an elective thing, you might underline that somewhere. Did we know that he had a scar? I don’t remember it from Chapter 1, and I don’t think it came up in Chapters 2 and 3. (I see from your comments that we don't). I think it could do with a couple or three more references up to this point, although nothing overt. I don’t remember people reacting to it who have been close to him up to this point (Julia, Ranus, Mya, etc.). “There are no 'disciplines'. There is only discipline” – I like that – that’s a good line, thought provoking. I had a sense of foreboding when they began their journey, as journeying can be pretty damnation boring, as Aldo himself observed. It was rather description-heavy to begin with, but I liked that you broke it up with his combat training. I didn’t feel that there was anything dazzling in the training, all fairly standard, but I found the description of the combat entertaining enough. I think the thing I enjoyed the most was that Aldo was put in his place by Mya, and I began to feel that perhaps he might learn some respect as part of his training and not to be such an arrogant s.o.b. In summary, I'm still enjoying the story well enough, but I'm not really getting a ‘wow’ factor. There are certainly the elements of a decent fantasy, I reckon, and I'm on board with Aldo being arrogant to begin with. Some of the character interactions have felt a bit off for me, as I’ve commented on, but I'm still interested to see where things go.

Ahem, apologies for the HUGE gap from your submission to these comments. I'm just catching up now after doing the ‘Write About Dragons’ course with my Start Write Now compadres, then there was NaNo, and then there was Christmas! Anyway, I continue to find your style readable, flowing pretty well. Some of the phrasing throws me off a bit, but that’s all polish. I think I commented about Aldo being arrogant. Well, I haven’t changed my view on that, but I find it quite effective, producing a good dynamic between him and Brutus. It makes me kind of root for Aldo, but also keen to see him take a fall. I don’t like Parma as a name for magic or a spell. Forgive me if I'm repeating myself from earlier (not checked back on comments), but to me that’s a ham, or a football team or a city in Italy, which is exactly what I thought of when the name came up (in that order). I like Julia’s rant and her hot temper. Smashing the table was a nice touch – I enjoyed that. I did think that an inn would be likely to have a bouncer or similar to throw out someone so unruly, or at least for the innkeeper to remonstrate with them. I thought the word ‘prick’ was out of context though, I don’t get a sense of such a gritty tone from the story, the age of the characters and the style make me think in YA territory. I know you've said not, but having a 16 year old protagonist makes it difficult I found myself disagreeing with Aldo’s assessment of physical disadvantages being unfair. Fairness has no role in genetics, it’s simple luck surely, but it’s only bad luck if those plain people wanted to be perceived as ‘beautiful’ or the short ones wanted to be tall. I found his assessment a bit unsophisticated. Again, the profanity (rust) seems out of place. Is it intended to shock? If so, I think it’s used too casually. These are not particularly high stress situations and, to me, it seems out of character for the two people who have sworn so far. He’s thirteen? Interesting, must admit my impression was maybe 15 or 16. “grinned a savage grin” stuck out as an awkward phrase for me – and what does it matter what his teeth are like? You used the phrase earlier “their shock was for more uniform than their appearance. Like this comment about teeth, I think that distracts from what you want the reader to be thinking about, which is the savage grin and the (earlier) shock. I like that Aldo is getting a good bawling out here, and seems to be rattled – he deserves it! Again, I think the swearing is unnecessary and is really going to hamper you if you have any intention of submitting your story for publication. I’m curious about the size of the room if Ranus can draw a 5-foot Claymore and hold it overhead. Also, what wood does it scrape off? And now the woman is swearing? At a practical level, it seems odd that the Equos would wear full plate armour for day-to-day activity. That stuff is going to be really heavy, uncomfortable and impractical – the implication I took is that they wear it every day? They are going to be slow and unwieldy. I'm having trouble suspending my disbelief on that front. I like the twist of Mya taking Aldo as her apprentice in the middle of the argument with Ranus. Didn’t see it coming and it was satisfying. Who’s Admo? How does Aldo guess that Mya is his new master? That turned me off. The reader thinks he knows something that Aldo doesn’t only to have the annoying smartarse take that from them. His knowing took all the tension out of that exchange for me. Aldo’s speech felt out of place for me. Why would he be so threatening to Brutus when the man is his companion? Then he gives him the strong arm and threatens him with death? I lost all faith in Aldo’s judgement of people at this point. I like the premise of the story, and the characters are reasonably engaging. I feel that Aldo behaves older than the 16 years he seems to be, the way he speaks put me off the idea of him being 16. I'm struggling to believe that. There’s a good deal of conflict in Chapter 2, which is good. I’ve made my point about the swearing, I really don’t think it’s necessary or particularly effective, but more than that, it distracts from the writing, the characters and the story – all of which should stand up on their own without the shock value – although even that is lessened because of the frequency of the expletives. Unnecessary and a barrier to you taking the story forward in terms of submitting it, I think. I'm interested to read more, but as you’ll gather from my comments, my opinion of Aldo sways back and forth. I would really hope to be more on board with the protagonist by this point, but I'm still pretty into the story. Keen to see him try-fail soon. On to the next submission!

That looks awesome - thanks for sharing. When NaNo is finished I will go back and check that out. Much obliged.

Yeah, I got the confirmation email fairly quickly, I had to wait a couple of minutes I think, after signing in to my email, but it seemed reasonable to me. Visually, I found some of the components a little on the large side, maybe that just my display settings. I thought that the sign up process was fine.

So, I've had a quick go at it. It does seem interesting. I don't think I would write in it, that's not the way I work. The RE Write About Dragons group uses Google Docs for submissions and critiquing, but I just upload documents to that, I would always have the master on my home computer, that's just the way I work. I guess there is still some functionality to be developed. I note that I can't edit my profile at the moment. I think it's the sort of thing that I might participate in as an online writing group, but not sure I would use it as my main resource, which I would always want to have total control over, on my desk. I hope that these comments are useful. I would certainly keep using it if people were participating and there was a community there, but I would probably struggle to become a regular user if Reading Excuses was still working for me, and I was still contributing heavily here.

Hmm, this is very intriguing. I'll admit that, on the one hand, I'm feeling spread fairly thing between Writing Excuses (woefully behind); Reading Excuses (a bit behind); Write About Dragons (less behind) and NaNoWriMo (not behind... yet). On the other hand, this looks interesting, and I'm always keen to put my writing out there in as many places as possible. I'll give it a try and see how far I get.

Welcome back to the UK, it's the same size as it was when you left it (which was in doubt, of course). The bishop will be pleased - as you have probably granted him a reprieve :-)

Nah, never. If you had the remotest idea what I was talking about, I would liken you to Dougie "Two Answers" Anderson on the popular sports punditry quiz show Fighting Talk on BBC Radio 5Live who, as the sobriquet would suggest, has a penchant for giving two answers when only one is called for. But you wouldn't, so I won't. However, if you've got more to comment on - fire away!

Must admit I was wondering if anyone was going to read my submission, but I should never have doubted that you would get to it!! Much appreciated, and they are great comments - very interesting. Believe it or not, the bishop was added after a comment from the Write About Dragons group. Previously, it was the mayor who recited the prayer. The thing for me to focus on, I suppose, is that I've had two comments about the prayer, so I accept that something's not working. Fair comment. "Bullying" - okay, I can tweak that - I'll take another pass at that part, and "urging" too, I can see where you're coming from on those. Point noted on the commander. I actually pulled back from him spitting in Benam's face, although it's a real zinger. I feel as if I've seen it or read it a few times, but I take your point about making his reaction stronger. Gives me an idea actually - something like "I'd spit in your face, but it would dishonour me." Aaaaand there's the reaction to the king. I think you're the fourth person to read this and it's been a pretty uniform "Euw!" or words to that effect. This prologue is 30 years before the main action of the story (Benam being an old(ish) man by then). Imagine what a delightful chap Menalothen might have become in the interim. It's really satisfying to get such good comments, thank you, Lemming, I'm glad you found some enjoyment in it. What you say about taking something back to your own work is both rewarding and humbling. Very kind. I will get around to critiquing everything on the site, including your upcoming Haruwin instalment, which I'm definitely looking forward too, but it might take me a week or more, as it's the final push on Write About Dragons.

Hey Tal, when do you sleep?! The only thing I produce from 11pm to 6am is Z's.

Hem, we just assumed everything would be fine and went ahead anyway - we're a pretty devil-may-care bunch!

Okay, so last week did not go at all as planned. I thought I would start by just jotting down the revised prologue, before going on to finishing Chapter 6. That way I could just flag some point up, and try and get the tone that I was looking for in the new opening. 10 days and 2,400 words later, I’ve got a prologue that would choke a horse (longer than I wanted, shorter than 65 page WoT efforts), and I haven’t even started finishing Chapter 6. I wasn’t even planning on submitting this prologue, but if I don’t, I’ve got nothing to put up. So, without further ado, here is a new prologue to Waifs and Strays, and I’ll say not more about it. Comments very much appreciated. Cheers, Robinski.

Hmm, I admire you for reading the small print. I've no love of G**gle, but did not know this. Just as well they are not in the book-writing business (yet), as you say. I'm certainly going to withdraw by casual back ups of my whole novel from there.

Why thank you, on balance, rather good, I hope yours is going great.

Nah, I'll take a dive for the team, if necessary - I've submitted a fair bit recently.

Respond or not as you like, most people do, as there is usually something to repsond to / clarify and as you say, I think it's only polite to let commenters know that their feedback has resonated and is valuable, as it usually is.

Welcome to RE, interested to read some new ‘stuff’. Sorry for the delay in responding. I hope these comments are useful. As is my wont, I haven’t reader the thread yet, so forgive me for repetition, but I like to keep a fresh perspective. (Actually, having just finished reviewing the submission, I find I have 3 pages of comments. Perhaps a bit much for posting on the thread, then again, I’ve just glanced at the other comment and they’re massive, so brace yourself!!!). Prologue I realise you need to describe these creatures, but I found the talk about weight distracting. I don’t really know what 450 pounds looks like, as a Brit I think in terms of stones. I think once you’ve described a creature as over seven feet, the reader probably knows it’s going to be pretty hefty. Who is Lanna? I see it soon after, but I don’t think it’s immediately clear that it’s a pet name for the mother. “It flowed down her son’s chest, pumping from his chest in spurts.” – Repetition. My first thought on reading “two thuds” was crossbow blots hitting, either the mother or the two children up the bank. If they have landed, I think it would be a jump rather than a fall. “...shattered through her memories” I don’t like the use of “ehm” or other representations of noises. I think it comes over as clumsy, and probably can be avoided in most cases. I thought the prologue was good, I felt tension and excitement, and was rooting for the centaurs to get away. I liked the style, which I thought was solid and flowed well. There wasn’t a great deal of description, a little more blocking wouldn’t go amiss, but I formed a sketch of the surroundings, a pretty generic forest. I thought the choices that the characters made were plausible, and I felt that I got a sense of them, even from these brief appearances and short sections of dialogue. Chapter 1 I'm going to mention blocking again. I don’t really have a sense of the surroundings. Is it day or night? Is he in an arena or a dungeon by himself? I have a problem with the internal dialogue. People don’t think in grammatically correct sentences, and reading thoughts in that way slows the flow. The protagonist is so busy prattling on to himself that the imp has time to up and knock him out. He seems ineffectual and clumsy, but maybe that’s your intention. I started thinking that this was a mature man then he is described as a boy, then a young man. I felt that my image of him changed each time the combatant was referenced. I like the description of the brains and the imp eating them – definitely effective. I was disappointed by how easily Aldo killed the imp, but I would have thought that the people testing him would be too. He kills the imp while it is distracted by the ‘food’, not much of a contest. Also, I don’t think its body can be strewn. To me, strewn relates to a lot of separate things that are scattered, rather than one body. Point and match is a modern reference, surely, to tennis. Ah-ha, I must say I thought the same thing as Brutus, that it was a foolish move to through the spear, but we were both proved wrong – fair play. I think the use of ‘he’ could be clearer. At the foot of Page 6, Brutus nudges “him” then makes a statement, then “He stood and exited...” The last name used before that line was Brutus, so my brain tries to associate “He stood...” with Brutus. Blocking, you describe Aldo walking past “her”, but I have no sense of where she is standing, is she walking past, standing waiting for him, taking her army off? Where were Aldo and Brutus sitting? You do mention a stand, but was it full of people, was it noisy? I don’t have a sense of whether there was a crowd or not. “...it takes several hours to return to the estate” feels like maid-and-butler. Brutus knows that, why would Also say it, other than so that the reader can hear it. The tone of discussion between Aldo and Brutus is interesting. Brutus certainly isn’t very respectful to his master, but that’s okay – it’s still plausible of course. Where does Brutus get a table – I don’t know where they are. “few visitors” not little, unless all the visitors are under four foot two :-) I do enjoy your description of the weapons and equipment, and how there is a wide range of quality, and people have to scrabble to afford to but poor quality stuff. That’s a nice touch of detail. You mention the queue shortening, but I didn’t know he was in a queue. There was not description of him leaving the arena and arriving at the inn. Sorry to keep banging on about it, but I am struggling with the blocking. You can’t have more than one majority, so “next biggest majority” doesn’t work, maybe “next biggest contingent”? Ha-ha, I like the line about her relishing looking down at him. Isn’t it unusual for lips to be paler than the skin? The angry stick is a Hulk reference, or that what every reader is going to think – rather out of context, I thought. “legs of various animals” – LOL By the time we get to the “guaranteed to be chosen” comment, I am well a truly rooting for someone to dump Aldo on his arse, or perhaps punch him in the face. The jump to Aldo facing his opponent is very sudden. Also, again, complete absence of blocking at the start of this next scene. Would a wooden practice sword have a scabbard? Could have I suppose, but I'm just thinking of the logistics. You mention a shield when you describe the girl’s bout, but I had no sense that Aldo had a shield in his – presumably, he did though. Aldo’s thoughts about the girl’s victory are confused. I think there is a word missing, or something. His thought about emotions being a sign of weakness is rather stereotyped. Good line from Brutus. I'm growing to enjoy their banter and Brutus’s carefree nature in the face of Aldo’s seriousness and pomposity. I struggle to believe that two people could be silent in each other’s company for 4 hours. Is Julia Florence the blonde girl – it’s not stated, but I presume it is. Still, I think it’s unclear and should be confirmed. “You stay still and you'll stay dead.” – This doesn’t make sense to me. He obviously isn’t dead if he has the option to stay still or not, so he can’t stay dead, because he isn’t dead, by definition. I suppose Brutus could say this, but he struck me as being more intelligent than that, especially if he’s giving Aldo tactical advice / training, so I felt the line was unconvincing. I do like the interplay between them here. Not convinced by their earlier exchange in the bar, but this exchange is nicely judged. Whoa, sorry, what? Parma? That’s a city in northern Italy, they have a football team and they make ham. Okay, I don’t like the magic word “Parma” but the effect was cool. Feels like cheating but, in the end, I was quietly satisfied that Aldo managed to reverse his bad situation (even though he acts like a pompous prat for a lot of the time). But, pulling out of the hat without foreshadowing seems like poor form to me – risky, relying on reader trust before you’ve really established any.) Overall, I quite enjoyed this, and I'm interested to read more. I find the situation of the testing and competition engaging (young people competing at combat does tend to point towards Hunger Games, but I thought you got away with it), and Aldo is an intriguing if annoying character, but I'm not averse to a negative protagonist. The major problem for me was the blocking. I was never clear what anything looked like, or when there was a transition in location. I think that needs some substantial revision. If it had that, I think the flow would be 20 times better, because I found the basic pacing reasonable.

Sorry for delay - too much on plate - big weekend of catch up required. I like the opening. I'm beginning to feel at home with your style – in fact, I have I have for the last couple of submissions. It feels familiar, and it’s pretty distinctive. I am enjoying the characterisation. None of your characters is boring; they all have a clear and distinctive image that, I think, manages to avoid caricature – or at least make them so bold and bright that you go beyond it (if that makes any sense). I like the ‘idiot Americans’ line – no offence, of course!! :-) And the navy seals line is great – starting to like Dan a good deal. I'm not sure if the rat poison analogy comes across all that fell, after reading it I felt it hadn’t scanned right. I mean, the waiter would never bring a guest rat poison, and why would Dan even think in those terms? I think something unpleasant but non-fatal might fit better there. “...get off her feet.” ALSO, “You can’t do that “, ALSO, “...fresh-off-the-farm...” I'm a little confused – did Nina judge Madison? I didn’t think she had. Ha ha, enjoyed the reveal of Cardinal Fletcher – nicely done, directing me away from the possibility before confirming the fact. So, I'm done. That was a good chapter. I thought it clipped along, plenty of activity, development of the situation. The style and characters were consistent, good balance of dialogue, narrative and description, I thought. To me, it would be good to get as quickly from your last in-order chapter to that one. I didn’t feel that I was missing anything significant in between the airport scene and that one. We got a bit of a flashback comment here and there about things that had happened in the interim, but I really didn’t feel the lack of any intervening commentary. Now reading the thread comments, on the pasta thing, I thought the squid ink was usually used to colour the pasta, rather than make the sauce. I think it’s clear it’s in the lead up to the election. Other than that, good stuff, looking forward to reading more.

Welcome to Reading Excuses. Sorry for the delay in my comments, I’ve got another writing project going full pelt at the moment, so I'm struggling to give RE my usual full and detailed attention. So, belatedly, here are some comments that I hope you find useful. (I haven’t read the others’ forum comments yet, so forgive me if there is any repetition here, but I like to keep a fresh perspective when commenting.) I found the opening wordy. I think there is scope to polish it down so that it flows better. As a first paragraph, it wasn’t long enough to be off-putting, but it did make me wary. Last para Page 1, I find the POV confusing. Firstly, I'm not sure whose we are in. I thought it was Mark, then it seemed to be Todd, but the narrative describes Mark as being able to converse while dozing, but Todd is the one who is dozing, confusing. Some of the phrasing tripped me up when reading. Couple of examples and suggestions; “...ability to cull nothing...” > “...inability to cull anything...” “...their limit of tolerance...” > “...the limit of their tolerance...” “...shambled nonstop across the room...” – you wouldn’t expect him to stop, so the word is redundant. “...had failed to notice...” > “...had noticed...” Okay, in general, I thought the story flowed well enough. I have to say I was expecting an SFF theme, as that is the nature of the forum, but put that to one side. I didn’t get a ‘wow’ from reading it. Three students in a flat (UK speak, sorry), one mooching food, the others play a practical joke, it feels familiar, it doesn’t present anything to make the reader surprised or intrigued. I thought the characterisation was decent. I felt I got a good sense of Todd in particular, and of Chad – Mark was maybe a bit blank, but in don’t think that’s a bad thing for the narrator, especially in a short piece. I think if you’re going to write a story like this, one a theme or idea that is unlikely to ‘wow’ many readers, the writing needs to be really good, perhaps in a style that the reader haven’t seen before, or with some kind of stylistic quirk or device, but it don’t really get that. With polishing, it’s a mildly amusing distraction, but I would put it down wishing I had been surprised more. Post comments having read the thread: I wouldn't mention the laxative - it's obvious - let the readers make that connection for themselves. Good point from Manheim (welcome back!) about adjectives - very good point. I speak as a (hopefully former) offender and adjective junkie. I hear what Tal says, but agree with Lemming, I took it as a (rather dark) comedy, and had no sense that Chad was in any danger. But neither do I wish to belittle Tal's point - ALWAYS READ THE LABEL, kids.

I'd like to submit on Monday, please - if there is a slot - I seem to have missed the rush!

Solitary confinement for both of them!!