Robinski

@Mandamon: Thanks for the comments - on the money as usual. pg.1 - conversation too short - agree, will address in the edit, pg.2,4,5 - will pick these up too, pg.6 - I thought I had mentioned the rain, but maybe not clearly enough, pg.7/8 - the turning was after The Tontine Inn novella, as you say, but he was a 'predator' (rapist? probably) before Tontine, pg.11/13 - I'll consider your reaction to the candle essay in the edit, also the awkward phrasing, pg.14 - note what you say, but be prepared to learn something more about what Tarquin can do, Call me on pov, would you? Pah! As you know, I care nothing for such vagaries of the pen pushing trade. I laugh in the face of discontinuity and tweak the nose of 3rd omnipotent!! No, wait, that's not me... Thanks again - much appreciated. The beginning is a bit slow, I think I'll consider how to address that, perhaps by moving certain scenes around.

Oi lads, look at this 'ere! Grab yer forks and form up!!

Very useful comments, thank you RD. Point well taken about the description of Blacklake's walking route, and also the term 'stalker', both of which I accept. I could probably switch one of the earlier scenes to Judith's pov. Also, glad there were some lines that stood out for you. Much appreciated!

A rather long section, apologies, this is the remainder of Chapter 5. I wasn’t quite sure how to rate it, so I marked it ‘S’ for some unpleasantness and impropriety. There is some more vagueness and probably lack of clarity in some places and I’ll have to beg your forgiveness for that. I feel as if I’ve learned a lot in the more than two years since NaNo 2012 when I wrote this, and it shows. I haven’t attempted to fix the larger things that are wrong, which would take more time than I have right now. Comments greatly welcomed.

This is interesting, but I do have some confusion in places, and therefore some questions and observations. Firstly, is this the correct arrangement of things? Father l l Son l l --------------------- l l l l Alphas Sunborn l l Mortals Secondly, lack of light rising up means darkness, right? I think that would be clearer Third, where did 'Him' come from all of a sudden? You said at the beginning there were only two being, so 'Him' seems to come out of nowhere. Also, 'Him' says everything will be destroyed then the father destroys everything to avoid everything being destroyed? That's how it came across to me. Fourth, if the father destroys everything, how to the Four Alphas survive? Also, you talk about four dimensions - which sounds like the three spatial dimensions plus time - but I guess you mean four different 'spaces' - but are they parallel universes, I'm wondering how they exist in time. I appreciate it's an outline, so you have a novel length to sort out all the details, but I would say that clarity in the early sections will be important as the set up could be confusing.L I look forward to reading it!

This is difficult to hear. I have a 21 year old daughter. I had always hoped she would go to university, have a career, etc., but probably only because that's what I did. She went to college for a couple of years, trying fashion then interior design, but it became apparent that she just wasn't inclined to be academic. I'm so glad that I was able to see past my preconceptions and accept her choices. She is now a supervisor in a restaurant and has significant responsibility, managing staff and running part of the place when she is on. I've watched her blossom, become confident and organised, be really good and successful at what she does, and I feel really proud of her. I've been in that "I just want what's best for you," place so I can relate to it, but I really hope that your dad comes to realise the same as I did, that there a many different ways to succeed in life and it's definitely not about being a doctor or a lawyer, rocket scientist, etc. I know it's not easy to talk about it. I hope it works out for you.

And I would like to put up the next chapter of The Mathematical Bridge, please.

Thieves World: Book 3

Ha ha, welcome back Turos - long time.

In this week's exciting episode of Reading Excuses, Chapter 11 or Mandamon's fantasy novel "Fruit of the Gods" - the two sisters disguise themselves to enter a strange town and encounter a local 'character'. "The Mathematical Bridge" continues and we learn something of the origins of Rutland Blacklake (forshame, sir!). We're a very supportive group and will be gentle with new contributors. If you like Writing Excuses why not sign up to Reading Excuses and put your work out into the world? Also, check out the Facebook page and like, if you like : o )

Hmm... food for thought, thank you.

Thanks Mandamon, good comments as ever. Would going back to the first scene in the barn and hinting at a loose rung on the ladder be too conspicuous, do you think? Also, note what you say about the transition, I will certainly look at that.

Excellent comments, thank you RD. I'm not doing major edits before I put these pieces up, so I'm going to ask for your forbearance about the comma splice thing. I'll revisit that whole issue in my edit of this story, and also in my future writing (Mandamon). In fact, I'm already doing my homework. http://www.bristol.ac.uk/arts/exercises/grammar/grammar_tutorial/page_47.htm#commspliceex On the dean encounter, I didn't write that one out because there is about to be another one following Blacklake's encounter with Judith, which I am very pleased that you liked. I also take your point about the flashback and it being in the wrong place, and tend to agree. Again, that's one for the edit. Thanks again!

Hmm, interesting. So now Reading Excuses has caught up with Start Write Now - I might actually have a quandary about whether to read ahead here or stick to 3k words a week on SWN. Let's see, would I like to have the advantage over James and Drew by knowing what is coming next? Of course I would!!!!

This is the final part of Chapter 3 and the beginning of Chapter 4 – comprising the end of Blacklake’s recalling the past and then events in the present which I trust move things forward a bit! Comments greatly appreciated.

Second that. I'll put up the next bit of my story, if I may.

Ha ha, fair point. I think there was a prompt on Writing Excuses one time about taking a metaphorical expression and writing it as literal. I's be interested to read that story.

Wonderful, a thousands thanks, oh great ruler of the forums.

Great comments guys, thanks you. @rdpulfer: comma splices - got it. I'm afraid Mandamon is right, workface is a big fat typo. On the brother thing, yes James is a bit of an incidental, but I take your point. Glad that this worked for you. I really wish I could have put the whole thing up, because it does act as a whole - unfortunately. Skimming it through again in replying here, apologies for the frequent typos in the submission, thanks for your patience with that, I've had quite the week and didn't check this submission over closely enough before posting it out. @mandamon: kaolin, also called china clay, soft white clay that is an essential ingredient in the manufacture of china and porcelain and is widely used in the making of paper. Yes, James is his father's new protege, I will clarify in the edit, as I will the next reference to the meeting with Anna. Good point on the waiting in the barn thing too, simpler times, but still... and the eyes thing too, all capable of correction in the edit. I'm glad your finding this interesting. You don't have long to wait, as it happens. Much appreciated both.

Sorry this is late, my apologies. This is the first part of Chapter 3 – split in two because it totals 6,000 words odd. You’re going to laugh, but it’s another flashback. In a series of 6 stories, this is very much Rutland Blacklake’s origin. I hope you can forgive the indulgence, comments greatly appreciated.

Hurray - go for it!

I would like to submit today, if that's okay.

Awesome comments, RD (hey, those are my initials too!). Chuffed to bits that the scene worked for you.

By the way, Mandamon, I'm a babsk now (whatever that is), so no longer under your thumb :op

Well, that's me told (sorry, in joke).