Robinski

An absolute joy, thank you. Paris was at it's beautiful best (we are regular visitors). Weather was stunning - hot and sunny - apart from a cloud burst on the last full day, which we were caught out in - quite refreshing actually. We went to Musee De L'Orangerie, which was built for Monet's largest waterlily *paintings to be displayed in-the-round, also Musee du Monyane Age (middle ages), which was very interesting, built on top of Roman Baths. Walked the Seine quite a bit, also the Ile Saint-Louis (the one that doesn't have Notre Dame on it). Great hotel too - Atmospheres in the student quarter if anyone is ever looking for accommodation there - great cafes, restaurants, books shops, comics, music and cinemas. Back yesterday and missing it already!!

Another good chapter, but there was an issue for me, I didn't find the threat of the slum area or the thugs attacking particularly convincing. For me, it felt like a device to show that Lianye has enemies and that she and Rend are capable. It did that, but it felt like a by-the-numbers scene, which was disappointing given the colourful and engaging work up to that point. Detailed comments below, but I continue to really enjoy your style. Your prose is very easy to read and I find the story engaging. I look forward to the next instalment. ------------------- My first slight pause in reading is to compliment you on this excellent line "I owe you my life, pry if you wish." The eyes slide over it like the hand over fine silk. (I might have over-egged that metaphor a bit.) I'm not clear what Lianye is disappointed about when they arrive at the inn. Personally, I'm not keen on the phrase 'head full of... hair'. Is her head likely to be less than full of hair? I think a simpler phrase would be less 'visible' and awkward (imho). I'm a bit nonplussed by the thug's actions, the attack seemed forced to me. Would the innkeeper not be expected to intervene, at least call for the guard? I think earlier you indicated that this. Also, their motivation is a real stereotype. I felt that you story so far deserved something better here than two dumb thugs thinking with codpieces. "in-between", I think seems like go-between. I know characters don't need to, and indeed probably shouldn't, speak with correct grammar, but the phrasing of "quick list" bothered me. I didn't really sense much threat in the area that they had entered, so the frequent defence to Lianye's past and many enemies didn't quite ring true to me. I also thought it was a bit odd that they should start eating as they walked to the room. Why bother, it's no distance away? Don't they have bags that they're carrying?

Personally, it wasn't the components for me, it was more the balance. Cutting down the funeral would be no bad thing, but I don't see the need to cut it entirely. Also, you could flag the time difference better without changing it wholesale, IMHO.

: o )

Reading through the other comments now, I'd like to revise mine to those in the box above. Mandamon, it must get tiring being spot on all the time.p.s. slunk - all day long

Good job, nice writing style, engaging, not flashy, just keeps the reader reading, I thought. I'm still engaged with the story. I don't mind a slow build, but hoping to see a bit more on the table next time, continuing to build mystery and tension. Detailed comments below. ------------------ The drunken Boston mother seems a bit heavy-handed to me. For me, there's some awkward phrasing in the description in the garden. The description of Chris going to work, to me, almost seemed critical, which would be very harsh. She however doesn't seem to work much, so far. Having commented as I do about Mrs. Pickett, I do like the atmosphere that you create, and get a good sense of the silence following her departure. She seems to be aware of a lot of detail about the boy's mumbling (which I presume it to be). Can she really hear him well enough, or see sufficiently what he is looking at (the cards). My hand I so the phone, where I keep the POV Police on speed-dial. (Commander Mandamon is usually on duty, I'll be interested to read if he had a similar reaction. Also, Julia seems to spend an inordinate amount of time observing the boy. Does she ever do any work? Nice parallel between the cards and the sketches. Okay, I just lost a fair proportion of any remaining sympathy that I had for Julia. Chris makes their meal in the evening after coming more exhausted!? Hmm, she need to get over herself. Not as a person, I understand that people have psychological issues around loss, but as a character, who I am losing sympathy with. I realise you are no doubt aiming to engender some of these feelings. It's working! The switch to Jeffrey's pov was a bit jarring. "she felt a strong sense of protectiveness and responsibility" I don't buy this. I don't see how she could stand by and not intervene in that situation. I'm not saying she would jump over the fence, but she could phone social services anonymously, or speak to the kid when his mother's away. Today, he was crying and bleeding and she did nothing but watch. Hmm. I was interrupted and had to come back to finish my critique. I reread the last paragraph or two. Maybe I should read it another way. She wants to be that person, to care that much, but only from her comfortable distance, with a physical barrier between her and Jeffrey. I'm now thinking that she is deceiving herself. She wants to do what she describes but isn't actually able to make the requisite commitment to it. I remain intrigued in the story, but I'm starting to lose some sympathy with Julia. As far as introducing fantastical elements, you've dropped some nice hints so far, and I'm presuming that that side of things will continue to build. I'm hoping that the stakes will be up'd in that read in the next submission.

Help!!! Stupid iPad!!!!! I meant to like your post, but I've marked it down, sorry!!!! Hey, Silk, is there anyway this can be reversed?

I sneak up behind you and steal your mantle then, before pawning it, I put it on and humble request a slot on Monday.

Thanks Valthyr, that explanation as helpful. In my opinion (only that), it's better to press on unless we are missing something from your insertions that will prevent us understanding what is going on (that you don't explain in notes). At the end of the day, we here are not going to experience the full story because our reading is fragmented and you will always change some things. Knowing now that combat is the minority of the story, I think maybe you are running a risk opening up this way in ether first chapter, as it could turn away readers like me. I love political intrigue, spying, general sneaking around and most personal interactions. I understand why you open with this chapter, it's certainly hard-hitting, but I would benefit from some clue (not sure how you would do it, but that's not my job here!) that tells me 'Don't worry, it's not all going to be flat-out fighting'. Thank you for your clarification of the trench. I think you could do with something to make that clear in the story. Helpful responses - I feel more comfortable about reading on.

Detailed comments below as I read, but overall, I have to say that this did not do a great deal for me. There are some hints at characterisation, but it's pretty standard warfare stuff from start to finish. All that hacking and slashing and shooting gets repetitive after a few paragraphs. The only bit that stood out for me was the 'combat madness' and the colonel having to shoot his own man. That part hinted at more complex themes, I promises more than just fighting for the rest of the story, which I hope is the case. The opening background was pretty good, I quite liked the set up, but I found nothing in the combat to set it apart from any battlefield at any time. I didn't think there was all that much sense of what was at stake either. Victory and defeat, yes fair enough, but what does that mean in this case? I'm curious to see if this develops beyond simple warfare, but if I picked this off the shelf in a shop, I doubt I'd get beyond the first two of three pages. Sorry. P.s. I should have added that the language itself is very good. I thought it flowed well, despite the difficulties I had with the content. All the more impressive in that it's not your native language. Cudos on that, sir! ------------------------------------ "It's spires SHONE like blades..." The epigraph is very formal in its language, so the contraction "would've" seems out of place. The epigraph is also very lyrical, I like it as an opening, it creates a sense of grandeur that I find promising. Presumably the main prose will be less formal however, as it would be heavy going if the story was that dense throughout. "chaos erupted around HIM? as officers..." A couple of defences to the Drop so far, but I'm not quite sure what it is, it could be clearer. Is it the taking of the chemical stimulant? Also, I think your capitalisation is off in places. Section Seventeen is the name of the section, which I think should be capitalised, however you refer to 'the Colonel', but when you don't use his name, I think it should be uncapitalised. Is 'Arcs' a curse? I was unsure. I don't know what a Yadron is. I find it a bit odd that the colonel's thoughts are in inverted commas, which make them look like speech. For me, italics is sufficient. I see you've capitalised exoplate. To me, it makes it look like a name, and I had to read that twice to figure it wasn't. Just because a word is 'made up', I don't think it needs to be capitalised. I think it looks more natural uncapitalised, i.e. to not draw attention to its unusual nature, if that makes sense. To the soldiers, it's normal. Again, 'Arcs', still not sure what it means. You refer to the boy who is possessed(?) as 'it', which I presume is deliberate, but still referring to him as a boy seems contradictory. Repetition of 'just' in the last line of the section sounds awkward. I would ditch one of them. I'm a bit disoriented by the levels involved. You describe a trench, but when the wall drops, the defenders are at the same level as the attackers, which seems to be ground level? To me, that doesn't sound like a trench, the bottom of which I would think was below ground. Maybe I've got that wrong. Also, the enemy are Lex, not Arcs, I guess. So still not sure what Arcs are. Are they like Archangels, so if would be a religious invocation? I'm not sure how the comms would prevent a blood bath, from the sound of it there were no reinforcements available. I guess Vaughan doesn't know that, maybe? Again, I have issues with the trench. If the defenders are indeed in a trench, I presume it's at least 4 feet deep, but there is also a 4 foot wall above which drops down, but still leaves the defenders in a ditch? That would suggest the top of the wall is 8 feet above the bottom of the ditch. It's implied that the Lex heavily outnumber the Ashen, and yet the action does not seem to back this up. If the outnumbering was say 5-1, I would have thought that the Lex would just roll over them, smother them in bodies, unless they are hanging back and coming in handfuls at a time, which seems crazy.

You should be able to edit that if you edit your post then click on 'Use Full Editor'. I had to change the tags on one of mine and it worked. I didn't change the title, but I figure it probably lets you do that too.

Count me out. I'm on holiday : o )

Great comments, thank you Mr. W. I can't disagree with any of them and will repair as appropriate. On the abhorred thing, I think I'll go with something like 'refused to let Sabine's antics to abhor him'. I should have spotted that, thanks. I''m definitely going to be slashing the streets names and trees (references to). I completely agree about monologue, too. These really were very helpful comments.

Ha-ha, well this time, I'm calling "red letter day" for different reasons, as you will see from my comments. I'm totally with Mandamon (and you) about the cow thing, that kind of deliberate fantasy labelling always smacks of desperation to me.

All in, I thoroughly enjoyed this submission, very easy to read and be engaged by. Convincing, three dimensional characters that are likeable straight away and all distinct in their outlook and their goals. Great job, I'm eager to read more. Detailed comments on reading follow: I think this is a great example of how to start a story. A short paragraph gives us a (presumably main) character, some the outline of the situation and some world-building. Great opening and great name for the protagonist. Your style puts me in mind of the late and exceedingly great Jack Vance, the SFF author who really opened my youthful eyes to what the genre could be. If you don't know his oeuvre, do yourself a favour and check out the Lyonesse Trilogy, followed by the Cadwal Chronicles. I'm not aware of Sir Terry Pratchett giving too many sleeve quotes, however he said of Vance "One of the best and most influential fantasy writers of the 20th century". You might think that sounds like an off-the-cuff sleeve quote, but do you really think Sir Terry would stoop to that? I don't. But sorry, that's waaaaay off topic! So, the opening page turns into an excellent first section. We are given a conflict and another interesting character. I find your style very easy to read, it flows nicely with some appealing highlights, but the writing itself is invisible, which is the ideal. My only negative is the last line of that first section. The "red letter day" thing is rather cliched. "Devoleane SPRANG out of..." The interplay with Dev is very entertaining. The dialogue is snappy and rests easy on the ear. Read it out loud and it sounds natural. Excellent job. Dev himself was an instant hit with me. I love a rogue and I think his stripe is clear. I'm finding your style to be infused with an old world charm that is neither stilted nor awkward. Not easy to do, I think. Very Vance-ian with a sprinkling of Moorcock. "The pursuit of science was often a passion which reinforced isolation" is a beautiful line, although I would say 'Often, the pursuit of science was a passion which reinforced isolation.' Maybe that's just a matter of opinion, or maybe you are right, and my grammar is less good than I think it is - a more likely explanation. "city of glass atop the NEW aerland" - perhaps? "which had appeared overnight without warning"? Nice banter between the couple in the next section, very easy and convincing. I found the introduction of magic convincing. No grandstanding or extravagant gestures, an everyday situation, a reasonable circumstance, not contrived to showcase Lianye's art. Well done. So often a first incidence of magic might have been an attack or other violent or spectacular gesture, but this is more thoughtful, a hint fa that starts the reader thinking about the possibilities without deflecting or distracting us from the intriguing opening to the story. Just goes to show that one doesn't need to start with all guns blazing if there is a good setting, inserting characters and an intriguing mystery. Again, one detail tripped me a little. Refuge is not a verb where I come from. Into Chapter 1. Perhaps a bit complex on the description in laces, it slowed me down keeping track of the names. I like their complexity, it's different, I don't mind that challenge, but it does slow the reader down a bit fixing them before continuing. Dev sure does have a lot of sayings! There's a point there where it gets a bit much, two very close together, but there are none after that, so I reckon you get away with it. The final section very very enjoyable, you manage a convincing and snappy byplay between the two pairs and the two couples - very well done. You finish the chapter with the promise of more intrigue and a good deal more romantic tension at the ball. I'm completely on board.

Detailed comments below on reading, however in general I enjoyed this a good deal. I have a few quibbles, but easily addressed, or not, depending on your view of them. You have an easy style that pulls the reader along. I'm firmly of the view that it makes a big difference to a submission to polish the language and polish it again before submitting. I think editors and agents will judge a writer by the ease of the prose first of all, or as a major part. Judging from what the WE crew have said, many submission will probably but put down very quickly if the style / language is not easy to read. Long ramble, sorry, but my point is I think you have a style that makes the writing almost invisible, which is a good thing. There was enough happening in this first chapter to engage me. There is conflict external to the village, within the village and, to some extent, within Willow – all good. There is also the promise of magical ability without explanation, which is fine, we look forward to the reveal and learning more. Good job – I look forward to reading the next bit! ------------------------------------ I like the opening paragraphs, I'm intrigued with what’s happening and the character is engaging so far, for her curiosity in the face of fear. One thing that I didn’t get was how big the footprint it. She seems to see it from a certain distance away and from out in the open, with the footprint being in the shadow of the trees? My impression was that it is pretty big. Early on the next page, we have a minor conflict with the other characters, which is good. I also like the subtlety in Willow’s assessment of Violet. Willow seems to be a clever cookie. “Violet was standing very still” or “Violet stood very still”. I like the reactions to the footprint, but I don’t understand its significance yet. The significance is clearly huge, because Symon has abandoned the deer and no one else has questioned that. This seems a bit off though, since Willow was going to say nothing about it, so if it’s such a big threat it seems to paint her in a bad light in relation to the rest of the village. “none were was greater” “assaults” struck me as an interesting word. It sounds like a military engagement, not just an attack by a wild beast. I like the tension in all the people running back to the village. It’s a great technique, hinting at a threat that might be about to appear, but nobody quite knows, but believes the threat is imminent. From the speed that this is happening, I presume someone else has called a warning. Otherwise, it seems as if the people were running from the fields before Symon’s warning has time to reach them. “children toward the mine” Two prints? Only one is mentioned up to this point. There are a lot of names sprayed about. We’re only on Page 3 (page numbers off, btw) and I'm starting to lose track. Willow, Symon, Violet – no problem. Olga has a tag with the frost and Armand who waved them in, but I think Jerris, Kline and Karin are too much to absorb at this point. Because they have names, I feel that I'm supposed to note and remember them, but I have nothing to recognise them by. Then again, maybe it makes the reader feel more disoriented, not a bad thing in this somewhat panicked situation Interesting to hear the word ‘sin’. So, there’s a religious aspect, or Vi is a religious person at least. I think self-righteous should be hyphenated, and – ouch! That’s quite the stinger. I'm trying to decide if it’s stronger than bitch. It came a bit from leftfield, as Willow has seemed quite timid so far, or certainly withdrawn, but okay, I can go with it. There’s a decent conflict building between Willow and Symon+Violet. “Willow stood motionless” illustrates a minor bugbear of mine. To me, if she’s standing, she’s motionless, so it’s like saying the same thing twice. On one hand, “motionless” seems redundant to me, on the other, it’s emphasising the point. Dunno, I'm conflicted. You’ve got some long paragraphs going on. I feel as if some of them could be split up a bit to present less of a wall of text. It seems quite early to have another POV when we’re not quite familiar with Willow, but I can understand you wanting to open up the ‘magic’ to the reader, hence Olga’s appearance. Ah, but I thought we were in Olga’s POV, but seems it’s still Willow – I think there’s an issue in that first paragraph. Ester and Sabina – are they totally new or mentioned in passing before. I'm losing track of the characters and, for me, the more you introduce this early, the more it dilutes the stronger secondary characters like Symon and Violet. It’s a good encounter, her crushing the bug is effective, you can see it coming, but still effective, but I can’t distinguish between Olga, Ester and Sabina. “A thought plagued the edges of her mind” – over-elaborate, for me. Ha-ha, ‘The owls are not what they seem.’ ‘She had been a child when it happened...’ I found it a bit disorienting, Willow thinking of Olga in the past then being addressed by her in the present, without any real demarcation between them. “a woman grown” sounds odd – why not “a grown woman”? ‘Desecrate’ seems a strong word. I felt like ‘spoil’ or ‘sully’ would have been strong enough. It’s a superlative arms race. The bigger you go with smaller things, the fewer places you have to go with the really big ones. “Promise me you’ll become the woman I know you are.” This was a bit vague and melodramatic, to me. I felt as if it doesn’t really say much, and is actually quite impersonal. “pulled shut the yew wood door” – is complex and distracting from the important thing here. I think this line would be much more effective if it was simpler, concentrated on the look on Olga’s face. Given the prior references to Olga, I think “She Willow lay there in the darkness” would be better, just to make sure the reader is thinking about Willow at this point. It’s a nice end to the chapter, a bit of drama, giving the reader something to ponder going forward, rather than withholding something as a cliff-hanger (per my comment on another submission this week).

Thank you, Fox, great comments. Too many street names, yup, even I was wearying of them, what was I thinking? Too many trees, yes, certainly too close together. Blacklake, hmm, well it's early days yet, but I'll consider that in the edit. Introspective, yes, that's probably going to be a thing throughout, but I agree too much is too much. Hopefully there will be more dark tension for you, and I'm glad Sabine is working for you, so far. Some interesting suggestions too, which I will definitely consider - thanks again!

Yeah, that's what I meant ; o ) You express it much better.

Ha ha, thanks Mandamon (your other name is easier to type), great comments. I'm totally guilty on the street names. Those will get slashed in the edit. As to the run on sentence, I was going for a world record... I think I might have got it too. So glad that Sabine works for you. She seems to be a bit of a hit, so far!! (Devil has the best tunes, and the best broads?!)

Having now read the other comments, I'd like to endorse some of them. I also enjoyed the film noir tone, and thought there were some nice zingers. Coincidently. the good-lady-her-indoors and I watch The Maltese Falcon last night. Must say that The Big Sleep is a superior film, but it made me think that I hope you have a classic femme fatale to appear in the coming chapters. Mary Astor knocks it out the park in MF. Mandamon and I both commented on polishing. If you're going to submit to agents you might want to consider getting an anal retentive grammar junkie to track-change some suggestions on that front. That's me volunteering, by the way. Like Mr. W., I would be very interested to hear what feedback you get from agents. In fact..., <Silk, are you listening, can you hear me? What about having a sticky thread on the forum page called something like "Rejection Junction", where people can post experiences of submitting their work to publishers and agents? We do a lot of critiquing on here, and it would be fascinating to know if our feedback in any way chimes with what professionals say about RE stories that cross their desks. I think such a page would also act as encouragement and be instructive for those of us with almost no experience of submitting our work, and be a repository for contacts and opportunities. Thoughts anyone?>

Detailed comments below, made while reading, so apologies for any duplication with others. No wait, I don't apologise, because you want to know how many people notice the same stuff. However, I did enjoy this. No problem with the opening, your beta readers are all bonkers. Agree with Mandamon that the prose need polish, but don't we all. I'm looking forward to the next instalment. ----------------- Decent first paragraph with nice last line, although I think "make sure it did" would sound better. I don't know what acts Charon described, so that line made me feel left out of some in-joke. I'm not going to search for it, but didn't a Cereberus have three heads, but only one rectum? "...thought I was the dark one of the family..." Why are War and Enemy capitalised? Not sure there's a basis for that. You say city of gods a lot. Great line about lack of opportunity for the former lord of the underworld. I do like the idea that he is unemployed and I guess many of the others are too? As an idea, I am intrigued. At first, I was concerned that you were treading heavily on the territory that Piers Anthony explored at length in his Incarnations of Immortality series. His first booth has the lead character accidentally kill Death, the rules being that the murderer must take over Death's duties. There's something up with hedge continuity of the man holding the light. Are there two men, one in the em distance and one close by? There's a repetition of "behind me" when Zeus appears. It feels like you are over-explaining things in some places. There's no need to explain why he's still wearing his pyjamas, for example. Also, I felt that the liken about Prometheus being released was a bit on-the-nose, but I appreciated you probably need that. My point is, allow the reader to work stuff out rather than spoon-feeding the everything. I've noticed a handful of words missing, like "a couple alternatives" and "much the chagrin". Big no-no in submitting, I would have thought. Don't you use grammar checker? It will scoop all these things up, I think it's as useful as spellchecker and a must for writers. We really should use all the tools available to make us appear more professional. Using spellchecker makes everyone look like they can spell!!! "All night long" seems out of place. He's only been in Zeus' company for 10 minutes, surely. Your addition of "the messenger god" at the end of this section takes all the punch out of it. It's a great line as just "It was Hermes." I think you have to assume you are dealing with a literally savvy audience, and they know who Hermes and Prometheus are. If you have to explain, I wouldn't do it there. The April Fools line is frivolous. I didn't care for it at this dramatic moment. I don't understand 'But' he was still dead. Why the 'but'? Continuity issue, the lantern is put out by a wave of the hand, then moments later it's still fading. That ending is a bit annoying. I don't mind a cliffhanger, but it seems that the biggest impact would actually be from the next line. At this point you're leaving the reader lacking information, rather then leaving them thinking about the consequences of whatever the favour is.

Thank you RD, very helpful. I'm beyond pleased that Sabine's appearance worked for you. It's a big moment in this early-ish part of the story. I hope it is similarly effective for others. Take your point on the some of the sentences. I'm sure there are more than one that could be clearer and better constructed. I hope that the story lives up to your intrigue! Thank you so much.

Here is the beginning of Chapter 6 of The Mathematical Bridge. The chapter is about 7,200 words. Although my edits of this section have dropped 272 words (from this section) – I still need to split it in two. I very much look forward to your comments. Cheers, Robinski

Okay - difficult as this is to say - this is easily the submission that I've had the most problems with, by a country mile. (1) The timescale for the forging is all wrong. My mother is an amateur artist, so I know something of where I speak. Set-up takes some time. He needs to get pens, paper and ink ready. Even if he has a workshop all ready to go, Gemeti hasn't told him what she wants it to read on the papers. What about names, other key details? The whole section with Khanni felt rushed to me. There was no build-up of tension, just whammo, straight to the double-cross. (2) No foreshadowing of the effect of Mulberries, unless I've misrembered something. This is Tolkien's magic - no explanation - use it to get out of trouble out of the blue. I think you've broken Sanderson's First Law here and, dare I say it, probably the Second and Third too! (3) I'm not clear on the rules attaching to the use of Mulberries (clearly!), even trying to accept that something has happened off-screen that clearly Kisa and Bel both participated in, whether it was Gemeti or Hbelu who instructed them in these facts. Bel seems to use 4 berries to jump a short distance, then 2 to jump a huge distance. I feel that I've lost trust in the magic system. What else have the sisters been told that I don't know about? When will they magic another escape out of thin air without prior warning? The arc of the chapter itself is good. I like the potential of the encounter with Khanni, but there's scope to make it really quite tense and uncomfortable which, to me, it doesn't get the chance to develop into. The ending is good too. The encounter with the soldiers is a good dynamic: challenge; panic; struggle; separation; escape, but it's the Mulberry issue that did me in! Have I completely forgotten something?

Hey, nice signature, Silk - blow that horn!