Robinski

Hey Matthew, thanks for posting! Yeah, we kind of are a writing group. Don't know if you've perused the submission guidelines but, basically, 5 people submit up to 5,000 words (Cough, you know who you are!) each week; everyone on the list receives the material by email on a Monday (Splutter, yeah, that one's on me...) and critiques / lively debate ensues. If you want to submit you put in a request by Sunday and head honcho Silk tries to forge order from the 'chaos' in time for Monday. We've been pretty busy over the last 3 months or so. I would say there are about 12-15 active members atm, and maybe 6-7 looking to submit week-on-week. Used to be getting a slot was fairly easy, now there might be a short wait of maybe a week. I'm not aware of any sub-groups, although there is a Alpha Readers' thread and offline arrangements are sometimes between consenting authors trading alpha and beta reads of complete works. So, come on aboard and join our happy band, you can always slink away if it's not to your taste, no hard feelings, etc.

MRK’s ABCD, yaddah, yaddah, (A) = Awesome; (B) = Boring; (C) = Confusing; and (D) = Disbelief (-inducing), plus (G) Grammar/typo. And then there’s (S) – ‘S’ is a new category. ‘S’ is for sad. Details below, but I'm bringing the elephant in the room up front. I should mention that I am a Civil Engineer these past 30 years, so there is stuff in here that is red rag to bull. Sorry! (DDDDDDDDDD) – “The city lifts up? It hovers like a magnetar” – No, you’ve lost me. My belief has suffered a possibly fatal suspension failure. (One) For one thing, I don’t have an idea of how big the city is, but put that to one side, because it doesn’t really influence the problem. The magnetar rail is a single rail, like a train line? That’s my image of it. How can it possibly generate a field wide enough, and strong enough at the extremities of the field, to life an entire city? (Two) The city’s underworks cannot be sufficiently rigid to prevent a structure of that size deflecting even if it’s only by very small degrees. Magnified over significant heights, those small deflections translate into potentially significant shifts in the centre of gravity of a given structure. In itself, those effects may not be catastrophic, but then there’s (Three) Inertia – how are you going to exert a big enough force to start the city moving, and (Four) Conservation of Momentum. How are you going to stop it when it gets there without the whole lot toppling over? (Five) Two guys are going to repair a city’s foundations so that it can be moved? Sorry, but that’s ridiculous. I need to see this. (Six) I feel there is no satisfactory explanation of why moving the city is necessary. This is absolutely fundamental to the reader remaining on board, I think. (S) – I felt like I was reading an interesting story full of young people involved in intriguing personal relationships, challenged by a war that looks impossible to win, but with the promise of some kind of breakthrough at a genetic level that might reveal a solution or a weapon. Now, I feel like I might be in a Michael Bay film, full a big weightless things that I don’t care about. (B/D/S) – You promised us a hunt for Eleanor. This moving city stuff comes out of nowhere. It’s not a promise that was made before and feels like breaking the other promises that were made about the Rex, the ‘disease’ and Eleanor, like it's going to dominate the story/plot from on. I'm going to keep reading, because I'm engaged with several of the characters, but I'm now significantly troubled about where the story is going. <R> --------------------------------------------- (A) – Great first line – which is something we maybe don’t talk about so much on here, but should. (D) – I find the marriage metaphor a bit of a stretch. I'm trying to decide if it’s the metaphor itself or the way it’s delivered by Kreiger. Unsure. (A) – “It seems she forgot, too” – lol. (B/C/D) – “Hey, Fara!” One of the Brides waves at Pascal” – I'm going to keep hammering on this. I think one of your m/cs having two Christian names is confusing, doubly so because ‘Fara’ is used so rarely, but using it more often would confound the confusion in a different way. Another factor in all of this is the way that Oz thinks of her by her surname, which is very impersonal considering how close they obviously are. (G) – “Girls’ night?” (C) – “You need me more than they do” – Why? Is this because you intend to address the horribly impersonal way that they dealt with Calgary’s ‘change’ in that earlier scene when they were sparring? Even so, there’s been no particular sign that Oz is distressed. If Fara/Pascal sees it, she’s more perceptive than me as a reader, which is possible, of course. (G) – “I only think she only deigned to even look at me to piss off her stepmom” – awkward wording. (A) – I like Channing’s assessment of the situation, if this is Hayden’s mo, it fits nicely with her behaviour to date. (G) – “They mess up they shouldn’t” – huh? (A) – “I nod, even though nothing about this feels lucky” – This sort of line is the real strength of Oz’s voice, I think. There’s a glorious fatalistic cynicism about him that I like. Something similar is probably going to come through fairly strongly in Quirk, I think, except with a slontzey edge, I hope. (C) – “your basic task is to repair Brick’s sensors. They’ve been left derelict these past several years” – does this mean his sensors exterior to the city? I ask because it seems apparent that brick has all sorts of sensors within the city. I think it’s unclear what they are repairing. (A) – “YOUR WORK IS AT MAXIMUM EFFICIENCY WHEN ROMANTIC COMEDY IS PLAYING” – rofl. (A) – “The problem is that “empty” is so much more appealing” (A) – “The two trolleys close in, as if to herd me” (B) – “Trains circulate the perimeter” – No way your train lines survive the deflections that surely must be involved in lifting the city, not by conventional standards of permanent way technology anyway.

Yeah @kaisa, remember, you've done the hard bit, edits are the reward

And me, please. 2nd time lucky

I guess what I didn't do was answer the $64,000 question. I think your challenge, from my pov, is to include something for the new readers that is not an extended rehash of why they are searching for the planet ("Previously on 24..."), but almost a Twitter pitch encapsulating all the necessities. See? Easy. I feel there must be scope within some early bust up or heartfelt moment for this to come out. "Darn it, Em, we're only looking for the stupid planet because..." - "If it wasn't for your tarnation obsession with finding Ard, we could be sipping coco on Neek." - "Huh, well you can go home if you want, I have to find Ard, you know I need..." I think this would be enough for me. There must be a central kernel that can be conveyed directly and succinctly. What combination of them want to find it? Are their reasons the same? Why are they different?

I want familiar characters to still be awesome, but I want new stuff to happen to challenge them. I don't want anyone to be KIDNAPPED, because that sh1t is hackeneyed out the wazoo. I want expansion of their world, but the stakes don't need to be bigger, however I have to, have to, have to care about what they are doing, as do they (which I'm not feeling in ASD, as you will have gathered). Furthermore, there should be a new and interesting character (check!), and I probably want more depth to the 'mythos'. Oh, and NO Christmas episodes please, and definitely NO weddings, because they are generally boring and predictable. Only Frazier dealt with wedding episodes to my satisfcation and entertainment.

It's fine, I'm sure we can call the Inquisitors back before they reach your front door Actually, I would not mind having another week with the material that I was going to submit, so I will step back and submit on September 5th (please, Silk?).

Steady on, NG, I think we might have agreed on something there ;o)

Wow - can you do that? I would have thought it was a case of 'buyer beware'.

The Hugo Awards - well, that was... weird. After my first participation in World Con (as a non-attending member) and voting for the Hugos (and Campbell), I find myself largely satisfied if somewhat mystified by the whole affair. I found the results fascinating. Of the 17 awards (including the Campbell), I only 'got four right' and one of these was the 'No Award' for Best Related Work. Am I therefore out of touch with SFF, a dinosaur in a brave new world with a shifting genre landscape and exotic new species of fiction? No, not really, because three of my second choices won. But I really thought some of the submissions, and winners, were less inventive and surprising than they should have been. I'd be interested to hear anyone's experiences (and I don't mean performance, I know voting is not a competition to be 'right' ) and opinion. At the risk of skirting the edge of calumniation (isn't that a good word, just discovered this variant of calumny!), I'll start the ball rolling. The Martian, really? I can't say a bad thing about the book, not read it, and I'm sure it's wonderful and Andy Weir is a fantastic chap, but I thought the film was a glib Disnification lacking any edge or real suspense. And it wins over Fury Road, a mesmerizing, outrageously inventive, visually jaw-dropping film with a crippled female lead, and Ex Machina, a challenging and taught examination of the nature of humanity and issues that the world is actually staring down the barrel of as we rush headlong into our subjugation at the mechanical hands of our own invention (et tu, Frankenstein...)? Pah, I give up - I'm off to see Bad Moms...

Rofl - no, really, it's fine. Any resemblance between me and Sir John of Cleese is purely tenuous and largely confined to the mind of @krystalynn03

Oh, and I had started to say, do you know what, I don't think it's such a big deal. So what that she's not empathetic to begin with, I think you have enough positive features about her, like the way she meets and beats the challenge of getting into the cave, and the way her inquiring mind researches the function of the gadgets on the suit. These are good human qualities. I would allow her to have the negatives at the start, because the story is still engaging, and it will redouble the payoff later on - because that's the promise you've made to the reader (I think), that their central relationship will turn around. ( *edit: But then I would stick up for the bratty part of her, I'm writing a potty-mouthed 14 year-old at the moment, after all. )

Yeesh - I was going to comment until I read this #markofapro But wait, I forget, I have this uncontrollable urge to open my yap in most situations, so I'll take a swing anyway. I would say a light dusting of the above. Don't go too heavy on the grandpa imagery. In fact, I'd say maybe don't mention grandpa at all, but use the same sort of imagery - bark like twisted skin - or some such, give the reader the chance to make the connection without it being handed to them, at least at first.

Awesome line, @Vreeah!! Your adept quippery is a welcome addition to Reading Excuses

Good grief, do we really need a TLA or a TLA for everything? I'm getting RFU with all this MCA of PGP

Well, I'm finally allowed, by the WE team, to start writing my story! So, three beginnings, each focused on a different promise to the reader. They're supposed to be 500 words but, well, it's me, so they're not!! See above!! Yes, I'm hoping to be able to submit a bit more regularly now, slots permitting of course. That artwork is fabulous - just fantastic. I'm excited to see the full image. Yeah, the story's pretty good too ..and I'm now a follower, welcome to Twitterland.

Ok, I'll be the dense one - what does CP stand for in this context?

So, I'm quite looking forward to delving into the story again. My memories from last time are generally positive! All detailed comments now coded according to MRK’s espoused ABCD method. (A) = Awesome; (B) = Boring; (C) = Confusing; and (D) = Disbelief (-inducing). Now also including their nerdy classmate who nobody spoke to in high school, (G) which is for Grammar/typo, an essential adjunct to the ABCDs! Yup, I enjoyed this submission again, more than the last, I think. Grandpa’s ‘condition’ and her reaction introduces real tension and a compelling conflict within Sira that would encourage me to read on to see the resolution of. Her exploration of the abilities of the suit and its mechanics is also compelling and you've done a good job of making me curious to find out the purpose of these various items. Further, there is now the presence of another entity, it seems, which is a third element that I am curious about. Lots of reasons to keep reading, lots of promises the reader that you will reveal, in a satisfying way, what these things are, what the presence is, and some kind of change in the relationship of Sira and her Grandpa. Nice job. My one immediate thought in relation to these promises is whether any could be made closer to the start. You do introduce the suit earlier of course, and you imply the presence through Sira’s fear. The reveal of Grandpa’s condition is probably also good, as we need time to form the view that he is normal and she is being a silly girl. Certainly, I think I would read far enough to reach this point, so maybe it’s a non-issue! Anyway, good job. I'm keen to read more and be pulled further into the mysterious goings on. <R> --------------------------------------------- Chapter 3 (D) – I'm not keen on 'speedwalk' I get the idea, but it's not very elegant. I feel there's an opportunity to paint a picture of her urgency that would convey some character. (C) – "much thicker with stars than that of her hometown" - At this point, I've forgotten her situation, but that might just be Weekly Reader Syndrome (WRS). (C) – "effervescent feeling of the night" - I wonder if this is the right word. Was bubbly and bright the impression you were going for? (C) – I feel like I'm missing Sira's age. Some of her comments during the phone call. Did you say she was about 12? Yeah, okay, I guess. (A) I like the bargaining with her mother. Kids so totally do that, I even remember doing it myself, so very earnestly!! (D) – “I’m a stud” – Yeah, this is not the word. The only meaning of ‘stud’ I know is “A ladies man, someone who is easily attached to girls and very noticeable. Look at that dude, he is such a stud, look at all the girls he has with him.” – I took this definition from Urban Dictionary, which does have the ‘awesome badass’ definition as No.1 and this one as No.2. I think it is maybe an age thing. I would say through the 80’ to the 00’s you are looking at the 2nd definition, with the first becoming relevant in the last 10 years? I’ll be very interested to read other reactions to this word, but older readers will, I predict, be reacting to this based on the second definition (‘mine’) – which clearly is not appropriate to the situation. (B) – “A draft of air pushed the curtains into the room, like an evil was entering.” – Meh, there must be a thousand movies that use this image. If you’re going to use it, I’d love to see it with a different aspect, something fresh. (A) – “I went to the bathroom. > I saw a rat.” – Excellent, such blatant lies. So very 12-year-old-trying-to-cover-tracks-with-no-hope-of-success. Nicely done. (D) – “Until sleep finally came an hour later, she rested on her side and watched the wheat field through the curtains.” – I’d prefer sleep coming right at the end, it sounds the wrong way around here. The last line of the chapter is really the second most important in the chapter, I think. Like the first line, it should invite the reader to keep going. Chapter 4 (D) – “Daylight brought sanity” – I feel that sanity/insanity is really strong terminology for what was going on the previous evening. Even ‘madness’ does not seem quite as strong, true there were some wild shenanigans taking place in her mind, but ‘insanity’? I'm not so sure. (C) – “so she dressed for the day” – did she wash? (G) – “Sira had not never met her grandfather until she was four” – suggestion. (A) – “But her former feelings awoke each time she saw him” – This is a really strong and interesting conflict, that classic beauty-and-the-beast dichotomy that makes the reader consider whether they would be capable of doing the right thing in the same situation. Obvs, it’s been done before, but I like how you introduced it. I wonder if there might just be a couple of difficult clues leading up to the reveal. His voice, was the thing that struck me. You kept her from seeing him, but his voice is featured. So, what I'm suggesting is “Hi Seer,” he growled. – or something like that, which could easily be attributed to a normal voice, but is than revealed not to be. Chapter 5 (A) – “The smooth mechanics of the moving parts were hypnotic” – nice line. Go engineers! (G) – “If it weren’t hadn’t been for the sound” – or maybe ‘wasn’t for the sound’ if you want to avoid hadn’t. (C) – “the line spiraled so far she couldn’t see the end” – I thought it was extending in a straight line, this seems to contradict. (G) – “Someone had grinded ground the cave entrance shut” – I think. (B) – “Sira sprinted every step back to the farm. Except the log bridge. She caterpillared that.” I seen what you’re doing including the log bridge, which gives an element of familiarity in the journey and I guess makes the reader feel a little bit at home because of it, something familiar to recognise, but the last line really steals the immediacy from the end of the chapter, I think. Deleting it would drag the reader into the next chapter more effectively, imho.

Ahem... don't rule out the possibility that I find it easier to critique than to write, so I'm trying to cut down on the number of 'excuses' I have not to buckle down Thanks as always for your support, /k - much appreciated.

Hey peeps, So, the thing is, I'm really struggling to get to my writing these days. My obsessive gene insists that I critique everything else before I start in on my stuff. Even on a good week, I'm maybe only getting a couple of days at my writing. I’ve come to the realisation that, if I'm going to forge ahead and get a story to market I'm going to have to cut back on my critiquing (sigh). Ergo, this is an apology for that. I don’t want to stop completely, because there are stories that I want to continue to follow, and I still want to submit!! So, I'm sorry if I don’t manage to get to certain pieces in a given week. I’ll rack them up and try and get to a place where I can get caught up in ‘the future’, but in the mean time, I hope that no one is offended, and I certainly would not expect critique from anyone whose work I'm not reading myself. Sorry again, see you on the other side. <R>

So, I would like to submit on Monday coming (29th), please and thank you.

Well, that was interesting. Certainly, Lasila seems a good deal more active, not that she wasn’t before in terms of doing her chores, so let’s say proactive. I thought she came over as suitably professional in the interview with Ilyua. I think Lissa has retained that frosty attitude towards the world that is entirely understandable, given what happened to her (or rather to her parents). Being already active as a lawyer certainly means that’s she’s starting closer to her goal. That’s a comparison with the previous version, I realise, but I’ll go there. There’s something to be said for the greater satisfaction from her travelling from a lower base to reach her goal then again, presumably being more directly into the intrigue. On balance, I'm going to plump for the latter. I think it’s good that there is (seems to be) a stronger basis for her to become directly involved in events from the outset. That would seem likely to be more satisfying up offer better pacing options. The tension with her brother is still there, which I enjoy. I still have the nagging feeling that it’s harsh, but totally understandable given their family’s background. <R> p.s. - Totally love the honorific table. I hope that would be in the book, possibly as some sort of front piece, or certainly an appendix. I think it would be invaluable to the reader.

Hmm, I await that with interest! Neat, and exploding skimmer. That does seem to be roughly proportional to the vid I found. Awesome! Everything in moderation. You can definitely go too far, as I probably used to. It is indeed. Hmm, and is one of them the regent over the whole group? That might work after a fashion, if there was an emperor who was absent or incapable and one of them had to step up. Lol - that could be challenging, especially the transition. David Gemmell would sometimes transition between character povs by sending one into battle and coming out of the battle in the pov of another. Then again, he was David Gemmell - we're not (yet!!!)

Hey Vreeah, welcome to the forum. I love the anticipation that comes with my first reading of a writer new to the forum, so here goes! (Detailed comments on reading noted below the line. I hope you like line-by-line comments, because I just can’t help myself.) All detailed comments now coded according to MRK’s espoused ABCD method. (A) = Awesome; (B) = Boring; (C) = Confusing; and (D) = Disbelief (-inducing). Now also including their nerdy classmate who nobody spoke to in high school, (G) which is for Grammar/typo, an essential adjunct to the ABCDs! After reading through, I’ve got some central issues. One is the casual disregard for the criminal protagonist for anyone her family’s criminal activities affect. I'm already hoping that she gets into serious trouble and has to confront the reality of the impact her nefarious activities have on the lives of her victims. Secondly, the magic system and means of propulsion. I think you need to do a lot more to convince your audience about how this works. You talk about reducing gravity, and suggest that other objects like buildings exert a pull on her. So, the building’s effects are not reduced, only the planets effects? But that means all the buildings would exert a pull on her, not just the one she desires to go towards. This does sound very like the pushing and pulling powers in Brandon Sanderson’s Mistborn, except I have to say he does a way better job of explaining how it works. Have you read Mistborn? To summarise, I think you need to do a lot more to convince an audience that will probably include a disproportionate number of scientists, engineers and general tech-heads as to how this propulsion ability works. And then throw in that she is also a kite? I'm getting confused. The ‘regent king’ thing also bugged me, as these terms are mutually exclusive (notes below). A regent is not a king. In a similar vein, I was unconvinced by the sodium thing, because of the description of the size of the piece involved. Here’s a fun video. https://youtu.be/HvVUtpdK7xw At about 1:12, we see a large chunk of sodium going into a pond and producing the size of reaction that I think is described in your chapter, but the size of the sodium used here is much bigger than a piece small enough to fit in a jar. I see you mention a handful of sodium, but the jar has to be small enough to fit under her arm (more issues with that, see below). And is the sodium stored in oil in the jar, or is it just the magic that prevents the normal reaction until she's ready? You say it's submerged, so i presume it is oil, which just adds to my disbelief that she can carry a big oil-filled jar under her arm and jump around rooftops. Ooh, “Lady Stanza” sounds awful like Lady Sanza (Stark). I'm very glad that Riley was foiled and captured, she’s done nothing to earn my sympathy yet, in fact her criminality just got my back up, so at least I'm now interested in seeing where things go. In terms of style, I'm not sure what draft you’re on, but I found some of the phrasing awkward, and the lack of description made it hard for me to picture or invest anything in the setting. I'm looking forward to the next submission to see how things go from here, but I would say I'm not especially hooked by anything yet and the magic system feels familiar, certainly not distinctive. Sorry not to have more positives, but onwards and upwards! Thanks for submitting – really interested to go and read the other comments now <R> --------------------------------------------- (G) – “The secret treasury took had taken several years to gather” – tense issue. I don’t have the theoretical knowledge of grammar to use the correct words to describe what I mean, so I’ll use other words, forgive me. Using ‘took’ makes it sound like a flashback, like we’re viewing a montage of the collection being assembled. However, the context shows clearly that the collection is already assembled, that the assembly took place in the past, i.e. it ‘had been’ assembled previously. There’s a real passion to avoid using ‘had’, and I agree that it can be overdone, but it has its place and usually makes narrative clearer. (G) – “That meant he took a detour instead” – Yeah, just assume that every time I come across a ‘gap’ where there could (should, imho) have been a ‘had’ that I hate it. I won’t mention it anymore, but I'm thinking it (B) – I'm an engineer, I love numbers, I love mental maths and estimating and calculating. Simple arithmetic is a pleasure, number puzzles, absorbing, but on Page 2 of a novel, I don’t want to read all these numbers. I want to learn about the characters and the setting, but them calculating their haul is pretty boring to me, I'm afraid. (C) – “Reginald's score hung in her thoughts as she walked” – I find it disorienting that she things of her dad by his name. Is he her stepdad? (D) – “One more pair of hands that took from unneeded hoards” – I don’t like the tone here. There is no such thing as a victimless crime. I’ve always hated gangster films, I find the casual disregard for life and the cocksure feeling of entitlement abhorrent, and yet the viewer is often encouraged to identify with the criminal. Robin Hood works, that’s fine, but I'm not getting that sense here. Our protagonist seems to consider all the people on the street as viable targets. (D) – “Hidden beneath a few loose tiles next to the chimney was a midnight blue cloak and black jumpsuit” – No!!! Not the cloak, bad things happen to ‘heroes’ with cloaks! (C/D) – “She was a kite in the breeze” – I'm confused by her system of propulsion. Are you suggesting that her power diminishes the planet’s gravity to the extent that the mass of the building exerts a pull on her? Whoa, I find that extremely hard to believe. It seems like a gross oversimplification of reality. More in summation above. (D) – “as she trampled through across various roofs” – This implies she is passing through the roofs, as in being insubstantial. (G) – “The performance being shown on stage was” – Is this happening now? It doesn’t come across like that. (B) – “Fairgon Bridge came into view” and “Riley landed on a main road building”. There’s a lack of description that makes the setting very bland, I don’t know what it looks like, so I'm picturing generic, dark cityscape, which is pretty boring. (C) – “Two artificial metal beasts—copper with feline models—pulled the vehicle forward” – I don’t understand the phrasing. Is the metal artificial, are they cats? ‘Artificial’ is redundant, I think, and I don’t see how ‘models’ fits in this picture or sentence structure. (D) – How did she get his plans, how does she know all this stuff about arrival time, where the king is staying? (D) – I don’t see how she can do all that she is doing with all this stuff under her arms. She must need to balance and arms play an important part in this, usually, so I'm struggling to picture her motion with all that bulk under one arm and a glass jar under the other. (B/D) – A regent is not a king. By definition, a regent is “a person appointed to administer a state because the monarch is a minor, is absent or is incapacitated.” There is a fault in this terminology. (B) – “It must feel great to be a king, Riley mused” – Really? I'm not so sure. I'm not keen on this glib comment. The reality of many monarchs’ lives is probably really constrained by responsibility, duty, political issues and a lack of freedom to do what the heck they want. Okay, this is fantasy land, not Buckingham Palace, but I felt this line highlighted Riley’s naiveté and lack of experience. (B) – Protagonists getting ‘strokes of luck’ is boring. They should be suffering reversals, disasters and ‘things getting worse’ (see numerous RE casts on the subject). (D) – “then focused on the elra in the sodium” – This is straining my credulity. This sodium has been sitting in the fountain for ages. In reality, it would have long since have reacted with the water and be gone by now. No doubt magic is preventing the reaction. “The sodium exploded, releasing a thick white cloud overhead and sending the water spraying off the roof” – I don’t believe this. It was described that the sodium was contained in a jar small enough for her to carry under her arm. I don’t that that is a big enough piece of sodium to react in this way. (D) – “We got all the silence back, Lin” – This is how a serf addresses the king!!!?? (A) – I like the king’s springing of the trap, Surprising yet inevitable? Probably, although I was beginning to think that Riley was going to get away with it, so I guess that worked fine. (B) – The end falls flat. I don’t feel any zing in this closing line.

Uh-huh. That's a good summation of how I felt. Hey Spieles, apologies for the delay in responding, but at least it’s still the same week, right? Right? Just been busy doing other things than writing – I hate it when that happens!! Anyway, RK’s ABCD, yaddah, yaddah, (A) = Awesome; (B) = Boring; (C) = Confusing; and (D) = Disbelief (-inducing), plus (G) Grammar/typo noted below. Overall, however, I enjoyed this submission. There are very familiar elements that feel almost straight out of the Hunger Games in terms of the testing. Maybe that’s not a big deal, because the testing is not really the centre of attention, rather it’s the interaction of the people. I got annoyed around about the appearance of Channing and Dion, who felt like they were there just to generate some conflict. Channing gets no real setup and I thought he felt like Generic Love Rival No.2. Dion is annoying, but I felt that was your aim. His comment about rich people felt meaningless to me and his dialogue in general here, I think, could be improved by a few passes, probably Channing’s too. I'm still not convinced about Hayden being the one to recommend that Oz goes. It implies a level of influence that I'm not convinced by. There is a powerful Council and a massive influential company, but this girl is swanning around making policy decisions? I think maybe I just need a tiny bit more about her motivation. The last line confuses me. I don’t see where his self-loathing comes from, although there are possibilities, I don’t think it’s clear. Summary, good job, loving the teenage angst and the First Temptation of Oz, but some of the secondary character parts could be improved, I think. <R> --------------------------------------------- (A) – I like the opening line. Sets the scene straight away, somehow. (G) – “while the empty chambers burble with giant sewage vats” – you know by now I can’t stop myself from line-by-lining. It’s the vats that are burbling, so “while giant sewage vats burble in empty chambers” seems more correct and easier to absorb. (B?) – “a ground floor with a mezzanine balcony looking down on the obstacle course below” – This conjures the exact image of the gamemakers’ area as they observed the testing in the Hunger Games. (C) – “gives a soft wave” – I don’t know what that is. I think the description needs to be better. (D) – “Her bleach white dress, military with its stiff form” – I struggle with the idea of a dress being a form of military clothing, for practical reasons. (B/C) – “The first candidates advances like a mouse in a maze” – I feel that this means timid and uncertain, which turns me off, because how did they get as far as the tryouts unless they have certain qualities looked for in a bride? Yeah, see “The others looked worried, even haunted” – why is this, why would they even be here if this is the state they are in. This does not add up for me (D). And “Her time, when she finishes, is a full ten minutes faster than the others” adds to my disbelief. (D) – “into the pack of her fellow Brides” – Surely they are not brides, not yet. (B) – “a dozen have passed, and (but?) none of them beat Pascal’s score” – This is somehow dismissive. We never got to see anyway else succeed. (D) – “and only a few inches shorter than me” – a few inches is a lot. If Oz is 6’2” – say, I don’t know. I think of ‘a few’ as at least a handful, so 5 inches, making Channing 5’9” – that’s a massive difference in height. (B/C/D) – “with a politician’s swagger” – No, I don’t by this at all. Politicians don’t swagger. Musicians might swagger, sports stars would swagger, actors might swagger, but (most) politicians are (should be) about appearing capable, confident and empathetic. I would not call that swagger. (B) – “Dion Krieger, with no apparent qualms about interrupting, leans against the pole.” Where did he just appear from? We saw Channing’s approach, but Dion just appears by magic. (B) – “What happened?” Pascal asks, her tone more curious than anything” – She’s just asked a question, this seems redundant. (C) – “Channing’s easy demeanor turns rigid.” – I thought he was already up tight from the last remark. (G) – “between Channing to and me”. (C) – “The accusation in her eyes, it’s like she doesn’t know me” – This might be WRS. Did they have a moment before? I'm not sure I’ve got a proper handle on the Oz / Pascal relationship. Are we to imply here that she thought they were together? We never get that impression from Oz, I think. Or have I forgotten something. (C) – “they drug them with an Amanita imitator” – I don’t remember what this is. (B/D) – “The audience on the mezzanine leans over the bars with eager eyes and parted lips” – dislike this painting of the audience as a single entity, or rather multiple entities all behaving in precisely the same way. It’s not the reaction itself, it’s the way it feels staged, like a flash mod. (A) – Oz’s interaction with Hayden is sizzling – I thought that worked really well. (D) – “I think: I am an idiot and I maybe deserve to die” – What, why? I don’t see how this follows, or from where.