Robinski

I think answer is, as much as is necessary for the purposes of story and character. The corollary is that if your story requires an explicit sex scene, you might wish to reconsider how that is serving your story/chr. There is the issue of promise to the reader as well. A tricky one, as that is something that the reader themselves generates, to some extent. Take ASD for example. The tension between Em and Ne has been palpable for some chapters. You have absoltely guaranteed the reader some kind of pay-off. The longer the tension goes on, the more intense the pay-off (probably?), however what does that say about the level of explicitness? Well, I don't think it says anything about explictiness, but it does promise a longer, more intense payoff, i.e. more than a fade-to-black. That however does not need to be explicit, but might have more foreplay before the fade. Touching can be erotic without being explicit. The power of suggestion is your friend here. Personally, as an SF fan, I'm fine with eplicit. What you have to be careful of is the reader thinking of the characters differently afterwards. Go too far, and the explicitness takes over the story and dominates the characters going forward. The reader starts to wonder if there will be another such scene, when will it arrive? Go too far and the sex will sublimate all the carefully crafted detailed of plot, chr, setting, etc. Hope this is helpful.

But @Ernei said he was 15, not 16, so not yet a man. This is why we have the words 'adolescent' and 'teenager'. In my book, young man strikes the right note, but you don't want to be saying young man all the time, as that will be repetitive. You can alternate that with his name, of course.

Interesting. I do like those episodes from Season 8, up to a point. They're an interesting example of the process but, ultimately, the episodes don't produce material that we would write, of course. In Season 9, they go to the ultimate level of writing the stories, of course, and then publishing them. Don't know if any here have the Shadows Beneath hardcover, but it's a beautiful and interesting thing. Anyway, you're idea is very interesting to me, @Tariniel, as I not long ago finished a novel 'Waifs and Strays' in which the magic system was essentially based on self-harm. In the first edit, my system is very much underdeveloped, but even when I edit the story, I doubt I will take its development to a scientific level. So kudos for that. At first thought, it sounds as if our systems are similar, at least in the aspect of wounding being significant and a source, and yet almost immediately they diverge in different directions. Specifically, mine is not really about pain at all, but about sacrifice or offering, so it ends up being completely different. Also, it strikes me that the setting of the story impacts upon the magic system too, and that it would be interesting to write a series of short stories in which the magic system was the same, but the setting changes. Oh, what's that? Yes, of course, Brandon has done this already!!! Anyway, great thread. Good luck with the story!

Once again, I enjoyed your submission. Good pacing and good progress of the plot, and also more rolling out of background, which is good. Once again, there were various things that bugged me, and I’ve noted the details below. Principally, I think the mechanics of the triangulator and the movement of clouds need more work, I got quite confused by the first and disoriented by the second. I really did not believe that Sira at the end had completely forgotten that the second cloud would be moving. Overall though, entertaining – I like where the story is going and I'm keen to read more. <R> --------------------------------------------- Chapter 6 “next time she got the Kids Nowadays Don’t Have Good Work Ethic Speech she would have the perfect response” – I think the more common syntax here is kids-nowadays-don’t-have-good-work-ethic, I’ve seen this used a fair bit. There another instance on that same page. “Why, back in my day when I was a grownup,” – I don’t understand this, Sira has never been a grownup. “Grandpa turned for the house and said, “We’re all done for now” – I did not understand that Grandpa was with her, thought she was on her own. “Meatloaf. There’s still some pie” – Pretty sure it’s one word. “Your mother would skin me alive” – I laughed at the irony, given the damage to his epidermis. “They set up the rickety, wooden stepladder in the hallway” – I had pictured the ladder as a large extending one, assuming they were going to use it outside. I went from that to confusion when they took it inside, because it didn’t think the ceilings were high enough. Then it becomes apparent it’s a stepladder. I think my confusion came from the fact that I would always carry a stepladder myself. Not really a two person job. If Grandpa is getting Sira’s assistance because he wants her to be involved in the task, that’s fine, but I think you should tell us it’s a stepladder up front. “she could not escape the stench that radiated from his body” – has this been trailed before? It puzzles me and I would prefer to have an explanation now or earlier, so that I take the right impression from this comment. Is it poor personal hygiene on Grandpa’s part or some result of his injuries? Or is it something else? The answer makes a difference to how the reader perceives this section and Grandpa in general. “and rummaged through things above” – I think, or maybe ‘among things’. “She wished she had the nerve to just leave” – this line bothered me, because I think she knows why leaving would be bad, and it’s not just because she doesn’t have the nerve, but because of the really risk of serious injury to Granpda. The lack of acknowledgement of that here felt a bit like a cheat. “The closest neighbors are your aunt and uncle” – Maybe it’s Weekly Reader Syndrome (WRS), but I'm not sure I knew her relatives were right ‘next door’. Did we? “but I’d be surprised if you made it all the way out to their place” – She asked if there was something dangerous and he answers by saying this. it almost implies that there is something dangerous about her aunt and uncle, or at their place, but it doesn’t really seem that was the intention. It’s not really the answer to the question, it seems irrelevant to her question. I'm not saying the Grandpa wouldn’t say it, it just left me puzzled, which I don’t think was your intention. The end of Chapter 6, for me, strikes a strange tone of fizzling out. It sounds like the start of another section then just stops. Chapter 7 Excellent opening to Chapter 7, really good capture of how a child’s imagination works. I bet we can all remember playing pretend like this. Nice job, especially when reality ‘crashes’ with the sound that brings her back. “she hurtled hurdled a bush” – or ‘hurtled over’, I suppose. “her lungs already seemed unable to take in oxygen” – I feel suddenly out of her POV because of this word. Would she not more likely think ‘air’? “but her legs exposed her mind’s lack of confidence in her ability to escape her pursuer” – much too complicated. “Sira’s body went slack in defeat” – I believe this can happen, but I would also like more to be convinced at this point, like she’s absolutely breathless and can hardly lift herself up, for example. The existing phrase feels is telling, not showing, I think. “She thought of her phone, reached for it, but found the shoulder pocket empty” – meh, did she forget it or has it fallen out? Seems a bit convenient, however on the plus side, I'm glad this was her first thought, as phones are often forgotten about or ignored in such situations in modern fiction. “the fingers landing on a triangulator” – was there more than one? “she raised rose onto aching legs” “She lost grip of the triangulator as the string that was attached to her sleeve dragged her upward and into tree limbs” – Eh? I thought the triangle shot out of the triangulator with the strong attached. Confused now. “Then Sira burst through the canopy and into the open air” – Eh? But what’s the triangle attached to? – I'm left confused at the end of the chapter, and I feel a bit disgruntled, almost cheated, that the tech seems to work differently from the way I understood it being described before. It might by WRS, but that’s my reaction. Chapter 8 “The river winded wound through the trees” “She was thousands of feet over ground” – I think this would sound way better if you talked about her being ‘up’ or ‘above’, rather than referring the description to the ground. “she reached up and took the baton grip of the triangulator” – This is part of the same confusion I now have over the line being attached to the suit, when I thought it was only attached to the baton. “She began to lower” – grammar off here, I believe. Lowering is the act performed by the person or thing in control. The thing being lowered is passive. In this case, I think the device is lowering Sira, or she is lowering herself using the device. I'm not explain this well, but it sounds wrong to me. “As she approached the treetops, they seemed to move sideways beneath her as the cloud pulled her along” – I think this is the first sense we’ve had that the cloud moving. I would have like this much earlier. “The branch slid an inch through her fingers” – I'm confused by the description here and I think the problem is the lack of clarity on the movement of the cloud. If the cloud is moving laterally at so many feet per second, there’s no way her hands only move an inch unless the line is still playing out. Maybe it is, but I just think the description of this whole section where she’s going up and down from the cloud needs to be tighter. “and she would freefall to her death” – using this word leaves me puzzled over why you would not just say ‘fall’ instead of thinking about the danger of her falling. “the loops jumped into the triangulator” – more confusion, there’s no indication that the line is connected to the suit and that she is still attached even if not holding the baton. “as her thoughts she tried to make sense of the last few minutes” – really not a fan of this ‘remote thinking’ and treating her thoughts as if they are independent of her. She is the entity doing the thinking, not her mind. “looking like someone in need of a good psychiatrist” – Eh? Makes no sense. Did you mean physiotherapist? Are you saying all crazy people walk funny? “BUT needs to keep me alive...in order to continue scaring the crap out of me” – lol, great line. I'm still uncertain about her age. “Sira raised her arm and fired” – After her terror before, you haven’t done enough to convince me that she would try this again so soon. “there was one problem with it” – Yeah, see this is what I meant. I don’t believe that she’s suddenly forgotten everything that happen 10 minutes ago, including that the cloud is moving. I don’t believe she’s that stupid. “And then discovered she was eight feet off the ground” – no, you've really lost me here. In the moment when she pushes the release, she knows where she’s off the ground or not. I'm not convinced by this at all. It’s like you're making her stupid for effect in the story. It’s not consistent – I think. Chapter 9 Good work with Grandpa’s nightmare. It really gave me more feeling for him, not the I wasn’t already sympathetic, but this will start to act on Sira’s attitude towards him, but not necessarily right away. “Sira’s body shivered uncontrollably for the next half-hour” – And then what? She falls asleep again? it’s another chapter where the ending leaves me unsatisfied, kind of hanging.

Yeah, sorry, that was attempted humour.

Kudos, my friend. Will you be using the ABCD(G)s?

Hey, @AuthorityHellas16, I just popped up to apologise for not reading. I said earlier that I was going to try cutting down a bit on my critiquing, and I'm afraid you have fallen victim to my cutback. Sorry!! The thing is, I enjoyed the biblical elements of the story, I thought that aspect was one thing (not the one thing) that made it stand out from generic fantasy. Hence my disappointment when I read the first submission to discover that Hellas himself was gone. Not to say that there weren't issues, of course and that for one, female character(s) deserved to be better served first time around. Anyway, I was feeling guilty at not having contributed, so there you go. Not very helpful, but that's my two cents, spend it how you will And best of everything with the story, of course.

"Mandamon? Yeah, I remember him. He used to slum around here with the rest of us hacks* until those highfalutin' Writing Excuses folks turned his head. Heh, now it's all fancy cruise ships and sipping ginger ale from crystal glasses. I heard tell they even have a buffet sometimes, with cucumber sarnwiches an' teapots, an' pinky fingers in the air. It's all that Mary's doin' - with her airs and graces. I guess he might come back to us one day, when they've sucked all the good critiquin' outta him. Ah jeez, he coulda been somebody, he could been a contender..." (* The word 'hack' is used for dramatic effect only, and is not intended to describe any person living or undead, either now of previously associated with the Reading Excuses forum. The word 'hack' is copyright Michael Bay.)

Thanks Coop, much appreciated. It's sooo valuable to see what is working

Really appreciate your comprehensive comments, Hobbit, thank you so much. Excellent. Despite what I say above about the Quirk section not being the real Quirk, I'm glad that those aspects of it connected with you, because they will be remaining through any edit. It's really exciting that different readers are connecting with different parts and with either Moth or Quirk, quite strongly one way or the other. Really satisfying and yet heightens the need to make them both work well. Yeah, I was really close to keeping writing there and then ran out of time to get it submitted. It's a really important scene for Moth, very important for the reader to learn that she is maybe not irredeemable. I absolutely love that you, a self-proclaimed softie, and @kaisa (not a softie, I think?!! ) both like Moth. I hope she is a complex character, or will be once I get through a few more scenes and introduce some background / hints. That's cool. I hope it's not glib to say that it's there really only to establish some important aspects of the world, not to introduce a main character(s).

Thank you @kaisa, I always look forward to your comments!! Is it okay if I use this as a jacket quote for the front cover? I feel like this kind of incisive endorsement from a published author will really help my story find its market Yeah, it's not really Quirk, I wrote it out of context some months back, unsure if I can salvage it and achieve #trueQuirk. I will be trying. Awesome. As noted above, I don't think Moth's bit here can open the story, it's more likely to be the Scientist/Android section. I think that can work to establish the type of story and the tone, while being largely anonymous, so not treading on characterisation. Awe- some! Thank you

Thank you so much for reading, @Ernei, much appreciated Really helpful comments, thank you!!

Thanks RD, really appreciate those comments - very helpful.

Thank you very much, @Mandamon - exceptionally helpful comments - I expect no less!!

Thank you so much, Hobbit, I broke the first law of Write Club and didn't explain the question!! I'm in your debt for picking up the pieces on my behalf - iou1 Also, apologies that I have been tardy reponding to you all's most helpful comments. I have been on the road travelling the 'vast' distances between Glasgow, Stoke-on-Trent, Derby and Glasgow. (Knowing Canada somewhat, I am fully aware that you colonials equates a 250 mile trip with 'popping to the shops' Anyway, I'm very grateful and will respond in detail over the weekend - thanks one and all!!

Hey folks, thanks for reading if you have the time. I'm still tracking through Writing Excuses Season 10 as I build my current project. Here's the beef for this week's submission. [Writing Excuses, Season 10, Ep14] – Write 500 words, focusing on just one of the promises you’ve identified for your story. Then stop, and start writing another 500 words with a different promise. Aaaand then do it a third time. So, here (following) are mine. Which one do you find the most effective / enjoyable / enticing? Plus any and all other notes that you care to mention – much appreciated!! [Writing Excuses, Season 10, Ep16] – Write your first thirteen lines, and see how much you can fit into that space—character attitude, point-of-view, mood, genre, conflict, setting, and more. Yeah, this one is in there too, I hope. Wow, that’s a really good challenge. Again, I would very much appreciate your comments on that thread. [Writing Excuses, Season 10, Ep17] – Take the world-building you’ve done, write your beginning, and then secretly write down your “gee-whiz.” Now run that beginning past some alpha readers, and have them attempt to identify the “gee-whiz.” Compare their answers with your own. Hmm, I'm saying nothing about this from my pov, but I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on this aspect, if you wouldn’t mind. As ever, my thanks for any comments you can spare. <R>

My preference is for balance in all things. Clearly that doesn't mean I manage to achieve that balance in what I write, but in terms of what I read, I'm no more interested in flat out 'action' than I am in the absence of it. Action of course, does not mean conflict or violence, although those are (can be) a sub-set if it. 'Activity' and 'agency' are probably better words. I think that's the only thing that, for me, is sometimes lacking in the story, a sense of urgency at least for a short time to introduce variation in the pacing. There is a at least a heightening of tension in the scene with Ashana, and the new scene between Savae and Kath places the reader much closer to the act of the goddess' death which, is excellent, I just felt that there could have been more tension leading up to the revelation, is all.

Sorry for the delay in responding. I enjoyed some of this chapter, but other parts left me cold. I feel that Ashana is one of if not the most active character in the story so far, so meeting him was refreshing in the face of everyone else's verbal machinations. His style is much more, direct. The end of the chapter had a good impact for me, but I felt that things kind of rambled towards what was still an effective punch line, very effective. Between these two sections, effectively the beginning and the end of the chapter, I felt that things meandered rather, and I found my attention wondering. I don’t have a problem with the focus of the story on political machinations, but it does mean that sometimes I'm in the mood for something with more direction action, at which times I feel like reading (or watching) something else. If I'm in the right mood, I would enjoy this chapter more. Knowing what I know about the story that sits around this chapter, I reckon the information provided here would help the flow of the whole a good deal. <R>

Hey Tariniel, well I'm interested to read your story after your grand entrance – lol Here we go with the long-winded comments! All detailed comments (below the line) now coded according to MRK’s espoused ABCD method. (A) = Awesome; (B) = Boring; (C) = Confusing; and (D) = Disbelief (-inducing). Now also including their nerdy classmate who nobody spoke to in high school, (G) which is for Grammar/typo, an essential adjunct to the ABCDs! Summary comments at the end. Oh, and title, I almost forgot. Inside Out? (more interesting than The Wolf, maybe, but has been snagged by Pixar recently); The Open Wound (refers to Kazer's injury, but also potentially the rent between the worlds, if that's what it is); To Hunt a Hunter (meh) - oh well, food for thought anyway, perhaps. --------------------------------------------- (A) – I like the opening / epigraph thingy. Wolves are soooooo common in the genre that the title probably starts you off at a disadvantage straight away – which you’ve already state. Not read enough to suggest a title yet, but I totally agree you need a change. (D) – “He tore it off, grimacing at the pain and the fresh spurt of blood” – Someone who knows more about first aid jump in a correct me, my training is out of date by about 15 years, but I didn’t see the point of taking a clean bandage off. He should be trying to stem the flow (tourniquet) and cover the wound, I think. Tie off between the heart and the wound then wrap the wound in multiple bandages? Stat! (?) – “Tess stepped silently up to him” This is the point at which I first thought that it must be either Kazer or Tess who is the wolf. That’s often how these things go. Potential cliché risk. (G) – “Only then did her tear-streaked face come into focus” – I think this should be hyphenated. That’s my understanding – second opinion? (C) – “I trained you to fight this monster!” – I would be happier here if I knew what she was trained in. The implication is she has some special skill that the rest of the squad didn’t have – is she an MU? (C) – “Young, for a hunter” – So, if she’s a hunter, I must presume that the other people were not, because his implication is that she was supposed to protect the rest, so must be more skilled than they were in some relevant area. I would like some clarity on this sooner. (C) – “A wound that never healed” – But this is a new wound, isn’t it? (A/C) – “simply to tear a new gash into that same place on his bicep” – This is intriguing. (?) – “Brin. Gemel.” – Lol, I wrote a piece of flash fiction using author’s names. (A) – I like the pacing of your wolf pov ‘interludes’. I like the pacing in general, so far at least. (G) – “always staying just in sight” – This implies that Kazer is in sight of the logger, I think. “always keeping him in sight” – would indicate the converse. (B) – “perfectly matching her pace to his” – This is not really rocket science, doesn’t seem worth marking it out as special. (D) – “He was so involved in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice the cottage until he had practically stepped fully into the clearing” – So much for his unconscious mind then, which was supposed to be tracking the signs. (B/G) – “At the last moment, Tess grabbed him from behind and pulled him back” – If she pulls him back, she must be behind him. (D) – “Besides, the logger isn’t even inside” – They have dismissed the logger immediately. Where has he gone? Just disappeared? (B) – “something about that man was very, very wrong” – I find some of the phrasing clichéd. This, for example, and “sometimes you just had to let go”. (D) – “Kazer paced back and forth, sloshing through the ankle high piles of leaves” – This man is supposed to be a trained and experienced hunter, and here he is making enough noise to wake the dead, knowing that the logger is out there and could return, and that there is a deadly creature in the area!!! I’ve just concluded that Kazer is an idiot. (G) – “Something in Kazer’s expression must have alerted her, because Tess turned back to him Gemel as he blinked, clearing his vision.” – This sounds like Kazer unless you say Gemel. (D) – “Tess reached over in an attempt to soothe him” – You're in Kazer’s pov still, but this sounds like Tess’s pov. This is an issue. (B/G) – “Kazer realized what he was thinking” – I don’t like this phrase. For me, people don’t think about thinking. You can delete this altogether and go straight to his internal monologue. (D) – “the logger chose that exact moment to make his return” – Again, Kazer lokks like a rather rubbish hunter, not having noted any sign of the logger’s return. There’s some good stuff in the WE podcast about character ‘sliders’ – these are, by Sanderson’s definition, Competence, Proactivity and Sympathy. At this point, Kazer’s competence slider is near the floor (for me). He’s not all that proactive and I have little sympathy for him, partly because of his low competence, but also because the only thing I know about him is that he wants to catch a monster. That really is not enough to make an engaging character. Okay, so we know he trained Tess, but because of his low competence (in addition to kicking leaves and not being aware of the hunter, I’d like to add chatting to his cohort in the woods during a hunt). (C) – “already moving towards Tess” – The blocking of this scene has been bothering me for a bit. Tess climbed in the window, but I had the impression that Kazer came in a door. When you said the logger had returned, I presumed he was in the house. Now you say he’s moving toward Tess, but Kazer is right beside her, so the logger is moving toward both of them. (C/D) – “We’re going to wait until he walks in the front door” – I feel that the logger has more than enough time to get into the room from the edge of the clearing once Kazer notices him, like 30 or 40 seconds. I felt a jolt when they were suddenly in the trees. (D) – “He reached over and snapped a branch off a nearby nettle bush” – I would prefer if he paid attention to whether the logger had picked up any sign of their presence. Neither does the word “absentmindedly” do anything to indicate competence. (B) – “The nettle branch stopped, mid-twirl” – I feel this moment is rather blatantly the only reason that Kazer snapped the twig, so it could stop mid twirl. It feels like the writing is showing here, i.e. not in a good way. (C) – “the line between predator and prey became less distinct” – Eh? Why? I'm not sure I see how that follows. (G) – “renewed vigor take him over him” – or ‘overtake him’, perhap. (C) – “given up their lives for a cause that wasn’t even theirs” – Why isn’t it, does the wolf not attack all and sundry innocent people? If the wolf only attacks Kazer and his men, maybe someone might have realised that the smart thing to do was disband the posse. (D) – “What? Why?” – Lack of competence again, he’s just explained why. It’s a potentially interesting mechanism that you're proposing, but surely he should be the one telling her he has to tie her up. Instead, she has all the proactivity and he, the main character, is just doing what he’s told. (D) – “Flint grinned. He loved it when one his axes ‘broke’. It gave him a good reason to get a new one.” – This seems very wasteful, and unlikely for someone living in the woods. It seems to me it would be costly to keep replacing axes. In fact, it seems very unlikely that the whole axe would be replaced, but rather a new handle would be made and the axe head would be reused – as an expensive item, being forged by a blacksmith. --------------------------------------------- So, in summary, hmm – I think there’s a good idea in there. The central conceit of having ‘parallel universes’ that intersect is a nice angle for the mystery. I did think early on that it must be one of the characters doing the killing. Actually, it was not quite like that, but in another sense, it was. This is always the problem with murder mysteries, in my view, it pretty much always has to be one of the characters on-screen who did it, so it’s never very surprising. Agatha Christie was good at twisting this formula to create surprising outcomes. I think the plot needs work. Some of the action and events were unconvincing for me, although the overall pacing and length were good. I thought the characterisation was mixed at best. There wasn’t much to root for in either Kazer or Tess. In fact, I'm not sure either had much character at all, which was disappointing. And, increasingly, I took against Kazer as he proved to be a fairly incompetent hunter. You can fix all these things, of course, assuming you think they are problems. I think there is a decent idea here that it would be worth going through the work of overhauling the characters and tightening up the plot. I think you might also try to paint the setting in a more interesting way. Being in the wood and a tent and a cottage doesn’t exactly give the reader much sense of place. Having said that, I think you can get away without the setting if the story and characters are strong enough. So, I hope these comments are useful. Personally, I think there is definitely some potential in this. Final thought, you might wish to consider having the girl rip Kazer apart, that would be a more interesting, I think, a kind of double bluff ending and I think its pretty much what Kazer deserves. <R>

It must be some kind of conditioning involving food. That certainly works on me.

He did. I must say I prefer his style to Jordan's, but the marriage of his style and Jordan's material was better than both as individuals - in my view. Yes, this is what I love to see. Go, go gadget, edits!!!

Can we get a link to that?

Err, really? Uh, well you're very kind. If there's something halfway useful in among all the blather, I'm pleased that you found the patience to sift it out

Lol - I'm your man!

Hey Hobbit, great to have you onboard, and congratulations on your first submission. In honour of that, I’ve kind of thrown the kitchen sink at it, apologies for the length of this. Skimming through, please forgive me if it seems harsh in places. I tend to be the second grumpiest critic on here, but it comes from a place of seeing the good in things and wanting more. Honestly!!! So, all detailed comments coded according to MRK’s espoused ABCD method. (A) = Awesome; (B) = Boring; (C) = Confusing; and (D) = Disbelief (-inducing). Now also including their nerdy classmate who nobody spoke to in high school, (G) which is for Grammar/typo, an essential adjunct to the ABCDs! Also, I’ve started highlighting my main comments, just for my own benefit as much as anything else! Also, summary of impressions at the end (A/C) – Diving straight in, the first paragraph has some nice imagery, but I'm a bit unclear as to where the pov character is. Above the pass? But staring at the mountain through trunks. He seems to be up high, in danger of being thrown down, like the village? So the village must have been up on the mountainside? I think the opening can be tightened up in the blocking department. There certainly is decent tension in this opening though. (D) – The thought about the horse comes over very impersonal. He's not worrying about the horse being alive, but whether the place is still there, it seems. (C/G) – I'm not keen on 'sheer as ice', to me, sheer implies steep, but ice is not automatically steep, it can be flat. Long way round to saying this sounds like a mixed metaphor. (C/G) – 'unclipping from the tree' sounds like the horse is clipped directly to the tree, like wall-mounted, lol. He's untying the horse's reins presumably, isn't he? So where does clipping come in? (A) – "they could all at least comfort each other" - ooh, harsh reality. For all his apparent emotion (although see horse comment above), Elias seems to have a brutal/fatalistic edge to him. (C) – I'm intrigued to learn his position in this community, it's not clear yet, but he seems to assume he will be in charge of the soldiers. At the moment, I don’t have any idea whether he’s the mayor or a blacksmith, which is information I would prefer to have at this point, so I can better relate to what’s going on. (B/C) – I'm not entirely convinced by the combat. The pacing seems okay, not flat out, but a kind of testing, almost standoff situation, which is fine, but some of the moves and word choice could be improved, I think. For example, 'slice' appears a lot. Maybe consider mixing it up. ‘Slash is a good word. Also, 'wolf he had hit on the side' is rather clumsy, 'wolf he had wounded' is tidier, I think. (C) – The wolf's teeth are white, not yellow/ivory-coloured? That seems a bit strange. (B) – There's a lot of repetition of the horse's name, rather distracting. (C) – Clearly, the pain is not paralysing him, because he immediately clutches at his back. (D) – I feel like the timing is off here. They are in close combat, I don't feel Elias has time for all these calm thoughts, surely the wolves are not so far away for him to carefully consider his mental state while waiting for them to arrive. My impression was that they were closer. (B) – I feel there is a lot of repetition in this fight with the wolves, repetition of the same words, 'swung' and 'sliced', but the fight itself I'm feeling dragging on. This early in the story, I'm not sure I care enough about Elias to feel much about the outcome of the fight. (D) – Also, quite a big issue, have you read Wheel of Time? Elias and wolves? These are very, very, VERY closely linked in WoT (Ok, it's Elyas, but still. (C) – I struggle to believe this is a prologue, there's little background or establishing information. (B) – My heart sinks a bit when I realise that the fight with wolves isn't over after all. (G) – It's been a long time, but I'm going to have to wield the Grammar Stick here. (Sweeps aside dusty cloak to reveal a leather scabbard, cracked by age. The wooden handle protruding from it is worn smooth by the hands of untold hundreds of wielders, all long dead. On closer inspection, it is not a wood-wrought handle, but the polished end of some sort of stick.*) 'Wise' is not a verb, it really isn’t. People may have started saying 'wise up' about 2 years ago (or whatever), but that's slang in my book, colloquial, not formal language. Ergo, I really don't like the use of 'wizened', which in any case is a different word, 'wiz(z)ened', as in wrinkled with age. (C) – I'm curious that the horse can keep galloping for hours, but you've implied it's a special horse, so I'll go with it. (A) – I like how things get worse as the rider turns out to be a foe. That’s good. (C/D) – “Elias reined in Stormarast and leapt off the road” – I thought he had leapt off the horse here. (C/G) – “If his attacker had a bow” – I know what you mean, but the phrasing sounds to me like Elias is unsure if the attacker has a bow, which clearly, he isn’t – but that’s how I read it first time. (D) – Suddenly the wolves seem a minor inconvenience and almost to have been forgotten. (G) – “and knocked nocked an arrow” (D) – “Stormarast turned and danced under Elias, snorting” – I'm still somewhat disbelieving that the horse has not had a heart attack by now. I’ll buy the special breed argument, but I think you might mention the miraculous qualities of the breed again, maybe just once more, twice at most, to drive it home and make the reader believe. (C) – “He urged Stormarast after the man” – Why is he giving chase, he seems to have broken the attack, and he still has wolves on his heels? (B) – At the start of Page 5, I started skimming. The amount of action is overwhelming, it’s relentless, and I am learning virtually nothing about the character, the setting or the plot – which I dislike. I start paying attention again at the top of Page 6, when Elias’ assailant speaks. (A) – Yes, controlling the wolves is cool, but it’s taken waaaaay too long to get to this point, I think. Then the man kills the wolf – I'm really interested now, although I'm not sure why he did it. (G) – “The man in the gray cloak knocked nocked another arrow” – I think. He did just sink one in Elias’ leg after all. (D) – “The man shot. Stormarast threw himself in front of Elias, and the arrow thudded against the horse’s skull.” – It’s not that I disbelieve the horse doing this, but Storm must be moving before the arrow is fired or he won’t get there in time, based on the picture I have of the scene. Sorry, I know I have a tendency to editorialise, and I apologise for that (I'm good at that too, I hope), but – suggestion – “Stormarast threw himself in front of Elias as the man shot, and the arrow thudded against the horse’s skull.” – I feel is a more realistic order of events, maybe? (D) – “as the knife landed in his stomach” – This sounds to me like the knife is on the surface of something, rather than lodging in the man’s gut. (G) – “There was a sickening crack in Elias’s leg, but he screamed and followed through with his blow” – the scream does not feel contrary to the leg cracking, however I think it’s suppose to be associated with anger, not pain at the leg break. It’s not entirely clear, I think. Also, I have no idea what mechanism broke his leg. (C) – “The sun was hidden behind a layer of thick clouds” – Hang on, it was moonlit night not so long ago, back at the cabin. Maybe the sun rose in the bit I skimmed. (B) – “He cried out and shouted curses at the air. Gods, it hurt.” – The last statement is redundant after the crying and cursing. (A) – I like how capable he appears at dealing with the wound, and also taking inventory of his injuries, but I still don’t know why he is capable, I have no context to place him in. He could be the villain for all I know about him. In summary, there’s some good writing here. I like your style, and the pacing. It’s a bit wordy in places, and I feel that names are repeated a bit too often for my liking, but it wouldn’t put me off reading. The major, major problem that I have is that, for me, there is too much action and an almost complete absence of character, setting and context. It’s breathlessly exciting, but that gets wearing after a bit when there is not context. I need something to hang that off. I still don’t know why I'm supposed to care about Elias, which really makes it hard to relate to what happens and the pickle he is left in. I'm interested to read more just to find out something about the story. Also, really the Elias and the wolves thing is a big deal for anyone who’s read Wheel of Time, which is a lot of people, genre-wide. <R> (* - ‘grammar stick’ is a brand of P*ttery Barn, available in all stores or online. Pay no more than $5.99 – scabbard not included.)