Robinski

Please, may I have a spot on the 17th, if there is one available?

Right. To me, shaving is something you do in the morning. Shaving just before lunch seems weird to me. Maybe just me. Ah, okay. I see what you're getting at. I think the problem for me was that gambling and disapproval go together in another sense, and that was the thought that my brain snagged on. Looking forward to next submission

Hey Eagle, glad to see the next part of your story. Let’s get cracking! Chapter 3 “Prob was fairly content” – I like the opening description and his mood. “He’d managed not thinking not to think about the scuppering Dhéonomist case for over an hour”. “At least going up steps wasn’t” – this is repeated from two lines before, noticeably. “He was interrupted, however, by Rem, with a young woman of slightly above average height with in his wake” – sounds like Rem is a young women, suggest inserting ‘with’. “He noted them flit to his carefully coiffed hair, freshly shaved jaw, and fashionable rings. – ‘flit’ is repeated. “freshly shaved jaw” – but he’s just had lunch. “You should stay away from the gambling halls, girl. I can read the disapproval right on your face” – This makes no sense to me. If Laur went to the gambling halls, she would learn to hide her reactions. He should be suggesting she go gambling to learn how to hide her reactions. “my problem is that I have no desire to go through the tedious exercise of observing you to find out” – Boom, excellently snarky – I like it. “she said with anxiety on her face” – this doesn’t sound like Laur. Well, he certainly is a throwback, isn’t he? I think I might enjoy their sparring. I liked how she deadpanned his grossly offensive gender stereotyping. I enjoy Prob’s snarkiness, and Laur’s unending positivity (from what I remember) should be an excellent foil for this. Chapter 4 “she’d found a dismissive fop” – I don’t think so. Quirk is a dismissive fop (I know, I need to play it up more). Prob is dismissive, certainly, but dic.com says “noun. a man who is excessively vain and concerned about his dress, appearance, and manners.” – I don’t see Prob this way. From what you’ve said, he isn’t that bothered about his clothes, which are more functional now to suit his leg, and he doesn’t seem at all concerned about his manners. “Finding out who her mentor was to would be had rendered” “She’d wildly been changing tack,” – Split infinitives, or Star Trek disease (To boldly go…) is something that I personally try to avoid, only because I think the more correct form sounds better, smoother, less noticeable. Dan Wells made the point on WE some time ago that going 100% one way or another on grammar ‘rules’ like this can make prose sound uniform, and therefore stilted, and that variation is more interesting. That seems fair to me, and I do now retain some split infinitives, but some sound more awkward than others, and I think this is one of them. So, looong way around to saying, personally, I think “She’d been changing tack wildly,” sounds much better, or rather much less awkward. “So Laur brooded as she descended one of Exed’s main stairwells” – I think you’re doing a good job of keeping us in the setting, up to a point. Every mention of ‘stair’ or ‘stairwell’ or ‘going up/down’ cements my feeling of the verticality of the place. This said, I little description would make this even stronger. What are the stairs made of, how do her feet sound on them – not long description, just a couple of words here on there. Secondly, Laur seems to lose heart very quickly, doubt, yes, but I would not have thought she would accept defeat so easily. “you daft bint” – lol. Okay, the landlady is a stereotype, but stereotypes exist because people like them. I think you’ve characterised her very well in a short space. I find myself wondering how she got so bitter. And you paint a convincing picture of her. Good job. “termagant” – Aw, cool!!! I learned a new word!! “Mistress Praep” – Some of the names are tongue-twisters, but this is the most so. I’ve started skipping over it already. I enjoy the nautical theme, the little details like the swears and the sea lamps; very effective. Nautical stuff is always effect, I think, because it has such cool-sounding terms. If anything, I think you could play it up slightly more. I hope there will be scenes at the docks, and warehouses and jetties and stuff – I love it. My story Waifs and Strays is set in such a setting. “ever-flowing stream of salt water gushing from a stonework lobster’s left claw” – This kind of little detail is just lovely. This is how you do setting, imho. “Now blessed with the power of sight” – this is a bit OTT, for me. “A century ago her ancestors had often seated sat on a spire’s curiate council” Sorry, but the last paragraph is a grammatical car crash. Big run-on sentences, jumbled clauses, very hard to read. Also, it feels like a lot of new information at the end of the chapter, which makes me feel cut off mid-explanation when the chapter ends. I enjoyed these chapters although, ultimately, there was almost no plot progress. Still, I feel that we have well and truly finished with the establishing chapters, and now can roll our sleeves up and get stuck into the investigation. More plot next time, please. Good work though. <R>

I heard that up-and-comer Bill Gibson is quite handy.

Try imagining them as movie characters, like say Al Pacino in a scene with Kristen Wiig, or Jeremy Irons and Melissa McCarthy - just as a mechanism to get different tones and voices. Beware of colloquial ticks - use with caution, unless you want all your characters to sound like leprechauns Remember the reader projects a certain amount onto characters anyway, so you don't need to go too strong on voice. I thought your piece was good. I'm looking forward to you submitting something else. Well that's a great compliment, thank you. I can't promise that the rest of SF is as good as @Mandamon and me though

Comments. “most of the day took place” – the day pretty much happens everywhere, I'm thinking ‘was spent’ would sound more natural. I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of penthouse – apartment on the top floor. Meal still twitching – lol “Both sets of clothes were repellant” – Unless I'm missing something, these are individual items of clothing, neither is a set on its own. “A short girl, about his age with shoulder-length black hair” – otherwise it sounds like the hair is his age. “He showed the opening to the councilor’s apprentice” – he showed her the open pouch, or just the pouch, surely – we already know it’s open. ”Members from one house frowned upon invaders from another” – this throws me. They’ve visited each other before without that level of hassle, have they not? “back toward the vomit-inducing” – lol. Instant migraine is usually my reaction. “Ori made a rude noise.” – Lol, great example of tell-don’t-show. “with advances in medicine and by the House of Healing” “The inhabitants of Sath Home were historically prone” – genetically? “it had become religious many cycles ago” – I feel like this phrase short-changes the significance, compared to something like ‘enshrined in popular religion’. I think something that significant deserves a bigger, more portentous flag. “someone had to do it” – So Ril. Nice characterisation. “while this Arid rice paper flaps in the wind” – nice phrase. “They clomped down the first set of stairs” – Eh? She just stopped above him on the stairs – confused. “tranquility was bleeding away like dew in the sun” – but the sun causes the dew to evaporate. “I see no house colors between us, so that will make things easier” – I don’t know that this is saying. None of the chapters, so far, are quick reading. They are dense with world-building information, which is great if you like that sort of thing. I come and go depending on my mood. I enjoyed the second half more, being in the company of ‘new people’. I guess another thing about the slow build is that the pacing of some chapters is pretty flat. For me, this was a good length, then I remembered that there was a first part to it. Shorter chapters at least would mean the reader felt a sense of progress, and world-building information upload would maybe feel more graduated. Then again, that’s easy for me to say; I don’t know if more chapter breaks would work. In summary, while I enjoyed the submission, I do yearn for more pace, and more use of the Symphony, whish there has been very little of. <R>

Hey ID, thanks for reading. It's great to be challenged like this. I will do my best to answer and address your concerns. This is edited now, as noted above in reply to Kais. I added this "It reminded him his first office, back when Quirk had been a corporate shill." She really is just tired. It's going to catch up with Quirk too. Kudos on rolling out 'folderol' - nice one. I've included more of Quirk's thought process. I think that is something that is missing in several locations throughout the story, which I will be working to rectify in the next edit. On the big issue, I hear what you say, I've read it several times, but I'm not going to take it up point by point. What I would say is that this would not be the first time that a scientist or institution had employed sweeping generalisations or misdirected efforts in pursuit of an unwanted 'solution' or technology. There is an statement later on that is relevant to this question. You could consider him to be a McGuffin. On the other hand, in a sense, he is the plot. Thank you for those comments, ID. I really do appreciate them, and have made some changes in various cases, and notes in others. I'm sorry there was so much that didn't work for you in these chapters, but... I feel like the story has benefited from the challenge in several ways - so, I am really grateful for that and all your input. <R>

And we're back... He's groping around in the dark, essentially. Quirk's thought is that Callan should not have the courtesy of being called 'Mr.' whereas the droid does not distinguish, until instructed. Excellent! Fair point - edited. I guess the guy's wife didn't think so? Super - I guess it just serves as another nudge for me to get Quirk's mindset back on track where it goes off the rails The lawyer firm that Mary works for Thanks again!

Hey Man, thank you for reading - much appreciated... ...err, yikes! Yes, great Seriously though, I do love a challenge and every note makes the story better, dos I really do appreciate you taking the time. Ah-ha. I just had an idea for including this much earlier - thanks for the spark!! While their relationship, rightly, is evolving, I appreciate that this is a USP, so I need to keep it dialled up. I'll get that next time around - by unanimous request! Automatic assumption of the And. Building Edited up a bit. I've tweaked this section a bit. Essentially, yes. Fair question! Answered now. This is Quirk imagining a cry for help in Schuler's expression. I've tried to tidy up the presentation. I'll look to include more on the sensory feedback earlier on. I changed the sense of this. Fair comment. It's 11 days. Might be messing things up, I might contract a bit. I think Eagle may be the one who's noted the time difference. I appreciate it's probably too hard / irrelevant to keep track of. I'm going to post up this first instalment of response, in case I lose it! Thanks again for reading - I will return to the second half of your comments

Hey Eagle, thanks so much to reading. I'm glad that you found some interesting nuggets in there. Yeah, I'm going to tackle that in the next edit. Thanks for flagging. I could be glib and say this reflected Moth having those same feelings, but we're not in her POV at this point. I'll mull on that. Colloquial expression in the UK - agitated, aggravated. An online search gives me the definition 'very angry, livid, furious'. Ooh, neither it is - that's my reason for today - thanks for catching that! I figure this is fair game - standard procedure - gather as much info as possible. Not at all - that worst thing to happen would be me respectfully disregarding. Actually, this was niggling my slightly already, so I did change it up. I'm so pleased you used the 'fun' - excellent! Glad it's keeping you onboard

Hey Kais, thanks for reading - always appreciated. Yeah - I added "Androcon stands to lose everything. A hundred-billion-dollar technology and probably every government contract it has. That’s ruinous – end of the line stuff." Cool, I think! How in the heck am I going to do that, I wonder. That's a real poser, but a good one - thanks. Okay, I'll take a longer look at that in the next edit. I've tweaked the wording. It's a place to start. I've tweaked the wording. They did get sent straight to meet Mary, then Schuler - I figured their time was kind of taken up, but as I say, I've tweaked a bit. Thanks for those comments, challenging as ever - ideal!

Hello everyone, Thank you kindly for reading if you have the time and the inclination. This is Submission 10 out of 16 in total – all going according to plan, and we are now past halfway in the story. As usual, anything goes as far as comments are concerned. There will be some aspects that have been commented upon previously which are not fixed all the way through the story. I would ask that you bear with me on these elements. This chapter might be a little rough for some in one particular place; be warned. I have included the ‘T’ rating for torture. I will say no more, but please notice the ‘S’ rating also. And not forgetting the omnipresent ‘L’ rating. To try and categorise a bit, to help you make a decision about reading, the ‘V’ is there to modify the ‘S’ not the ‘T’. The torture does NOT involve hacking-and-slashing, but a more passive form – more like Cruelty. There is no ‘G’ore, but the passage in question is quite graphic. If you want an edited version, I will provide a sanitised ‘cut’ if you email me or post on the forum thread. This will involve me modifying a couple of paragraphs and simply stating the bald facts of what happens there. So, I hope that’s not too much to cope with. Thanks for (thinking about) reading. Best, Robinski

Hey Dragon, glad you're back with us. Ach, that darn plague, it gets everywhere... Okay, okay already. I've added this: "Quirk complied forthwith. First, he skimmed the contract, then he read it very slowly. For the third pass, he read every word as quickly as he could, because that was when legal papers made the most sense, when one’s brain was unable to linger on any particular detail. He never read contracts out loud, not since that time in Sarawak when he had passed out due to lack of punctuation." Hmm, that's one for Edit #2. Duly logged for further scrutiny. (a) to some extent, yes; (b) not at all, I see it as the characters getting to know each other and the reader getting to know the characters. I plan to consider this at greater length before embarking on Edit #2; (c) certainly not, and I would reject the suggestion that Novella is reader any more Yeah - dialling up Quirk will cover the first, I am confident, and the second is asked-and-answered numerous times now. I know and will consider condensing. At this point, I'm not convinced expanding is the way to go. (1) yes, it's coming; (2) yes, that's for Edit #2; (3) see (2). Thanks for reading, Dragon. I really appreciate your comments - always challenging and never easily set aside Much appreciated! <R>

Well, what do you know? I'm listening to Writing Excuses' latest cast S12-E14: Controlling Pacing with Structure, and they are talking about exactly the thing that bothered me about this chapter. I think it's about 13/14 minutes in (don't have a timer, annoyingly), after the 'book' of the week, when Brandon explains how he deals with pacing of narrative versus dialogue. This is exactly what I was talking about, the impact on the pacing of the chapter of having heavy narration through the dialogue scenes. Edit 1: Oh yes, again. I think about 16mins in, Brandon talks about pupils in his class modifying every line of dialogue because of not trusting the dialogue to do the job. These guys are good, they should make this podcast a regular thing...

Indeed not, and I'm glad you can still 'go with it', as it were. My knowledge is purely secondhand also. I suspect it's a term that gets misused a lot in popular parlance, having said that, I would have hoped that Quirk was sufficiently refined to know the difference. The OED says "Machiavellianism is "the employment of cunning and duplicity in statecraft or in general conduct", whereas the Handbook of Individual Differences in Social Behavior says "In modern psychology, Machiavellianism is one of the dark triad personalities, characterized by a duplicitous interpersonal style, a cynical disregard for morality and a focus on self-interest and personal gain". I don't think there are a million miles off Moth, or certainly Quirk's reading of Moth at this point. I'm interested in your reaction going forward. Sometimes, I think I forget to play it up. By this point in her life, that's perhaps more likely. I've tweaked up the sarcasm a little. I'm working 'Oh sh-t' as something of a catchphrase for Quirk, in that it's so much less sophisticated and verbose than his regular style. Because his regular style has slipped a bit in places, I'm going to have to work that back up a bit. Whether that makes this sit better as an uncomfortably simple phrase or not, I shall see down the road, I guess. Hmm... What I don't want to do is go all guns blazing here. For one thing, the 'drop' is not that earth-shattering (moon-shattering?) Thanks so much for reading, aero, Much appreciated

Hey, thanks for reading, RD - much appreciated. Excellent! I feel like the negatives I've had on this have been peeps who have not read from the start; which is not to say I don't need to tweak, but your opinion on this is reassuring that I'm heading in the right direction. Tweaked - in a slightly weird way, I would say. Yeah, I'm cogitating on this. I thought I would just hang a blatant cliffhanger out there and see what happened. Interestingly, I think your the first dissenter Really appreciate the comments, thank you!

Chapter 6 “At least the bridge to the Spire was only halfway back to the ground, or it would have taken even longer to get there.” – This is really obvious; I don’t think it’s worth saying. “No crest to lie about his emotions” – But isn’t the crest truthful about emotions? Or are you saying that Ori can use his crest to fake his reaction to something? “Maybe getting some food in him was in order after meeting with councilmembers was in order” – I feel like the phrasing is odd sometimes. Like here, for example. It seems odd to me to split Ori’s thought about feeing Sam into two parts by inserting what to me is a separate thought (albeit the following one). Maybe it’s just me. “his maroon jumpsuit about to shed its buttons” – Why would he wear clothes that didn’t fit properly? “disagreeing with almost everything the man did” – He’s not a man, presumably. “Now you make up allies” – confused, because Sam, clearly, is not made up, but is standing right there. “with the continuing indications of the Arid” – I feel like there’s an opportunity here to inject some tension, but it doesn’t really land for me. Something like ‘escalating sightings’, I think, feels more threatening. In a similar vein, actually, “crises brought to our attention with no proof”. Maybe it’s this character’s form of speech, but ‘unfounded crises’, I feel, has more punch. If it’s punch you want, which it might not be, of course. “Samuel v O” – yes, I like this better than the previous. “Sam recounted the same panicked account of his escape” “There was a collecting shuffling” – collective? “My apprentice and I” – I feel like he should be stressing the possessive element here. “A vote, then” – This feels ill-advised to me. Ori has the high ground of existing and long-established procedure behind him. Why would he surrender that by suggesting a vote when the head of this council has not adjudicated? “Sam drew in a breath. “I’m not good with new people and places” – I’m using this as an example of something I'm really noticing in this chapter. The lines of dialogue are really quite far apart, and the tagging and description between them is stifling the momentum of the scene, I think. I don’t feel it’s necessary to analyse each line after it’s spoken. If the dialogue is doing its job, I think the reader should be able to picture reactions, and put their own interpretation on body language and such, which would make the reader feel more involved in the scene, having greater ownership of it. “Even if you make me, I’m still going to help find out about the Drains” – isn’t this ‘even if you prevent me’, or similar? “He needed to escape with his few victories” – I feel like ‘rare’ or ‘occasional’ is more suited. “I believe my new apprentice and I will be having much to do, settling into my apartment, and the Nether, since it is so new for him.” If the Council would not take the Drains seriously, he would find his own support. “Time to go,” he murmured to Sam, and the young man nodded vigorously. They left the Council chambers, Sam for once right beside him.” – I feel like this ending outstays its welcome. In late, out early – and all that. Chapter 7 “last several cycles, and she was thankful” – I wouldn’t mention this, but I fell this is not the first pronoun that was missing. “far too early to for anyone to be hanging on her knocker” – odd phrase, kind of uncomfortable, imho. “about foisting this girl off on Ril” – Fresh’s phrasing is such that the apprentice could be hers or Ril’s. “and she approved of the choice of mentor” – the original phrase means something else, to me. Overall, I feel there’s a good chapter in there, but I felt it dragging for the reason I noted above, the tendency for dissection towards dissection of each line of dialogue. I’d have enjoyed it a lot more if it had been pacier, with less explanation of everyone’s ticks and body language. I might be suffering a bit from re-reading. I tend not to be very good at that. Once one knows a story, I think there’s an inevitable reduction in the engagement that comes from making new discoveries which must take the edge off generally, I would imagine. Anyway, we’re getting past the introduction and into more active plot, I think, so I’m keen to see following chapters and some jeopardy and stakes. <R>

Oh, man, I searched for those ********, I must have added that afterwards!! Sorry.

Awesome!! Thanks, King - really appreciate you doing the hard yards to catch up, and thanks for your thoughts on this chapter; so glad it worked for you.

I'd also like to submit on the 10th, but I am happy to take part in a count-back if we have too many come Sunday.

Glad to be reading another chapter and keen to see what happens now. “as we entered passed through the city wall of M” Mag and me “steep clay roofs” – Meh, what do you mean by that? If they can make bricks, presumably they can make or ‘mine’ tiles of clay or slate. The phrasing here suggests some kind of wattle-and-daub or goodness knows what. “import the professional fiddle players” – This subject interests me greatly as a guitarist (strictly amateur). Does this mean that recreational musicianship is controlled? Music is pretty much as old as man (ish), and it is the most natural thing in the world for someone to tap out a rhythm or hum or sing. Many have a natural aptitude for music and small communities all over the world make their own music and often their own instruments, almost regardless of technologic level. There are some truly amazing vids on U-Tub of folks who have made guitars out of an old cooking oil can and a broom stick, or some such. My point is, I find it very unlikely that any festival would go completely without any kind of music, even if only singing, and regardless of risk of enforcement by the musicians’ guild. Remembering my comment about the troops reclaiming the bodies of their comrades, which I hope they did (will), I would wonder if this didn’t attract some reaction of the townspeople, or at least the grooms, if the crowd is otherwise distracted. I appreciate that you might not pick that up in this version, however. “No doctor will attend someone during ti” – What!? So, for a whole week? Someone falls off a roof and is left to die because it’s the festival?! I guess they don’t have the Hippocratic oath around here. “It’s the intangible part that goads you” – I like this exchange, enjoying the scene. “I muttered as I knelt and removed her boots” – continuity; one boot at least is off already. Good, strong chapter, heavily character-based, which I love, and yet with good elements of world-building. No discernible plot, but that’s fine for me – feels entirely like a sequel to the scene before (the fight in the forest, of course). Not heavy on the description, but I can picture small mountain town/village easily enough with what you’ve given me. I welcomed the flat-out (pun intended!) quandary that you presented to Sor in terms of which room she chose to sleep in. It gave me some clues to her physiology, but I'm still not exactly sure what to picture in certain areas above the waist. Nice work again. Still totally on board. Looking forward to next week. <R>

Okay, I'm going to think what I can do about those travel chapters to enliven them. Thanks everyone

ROFL, that can be arranged, Spin Pong!!