Robinski

I’ve gotta say I've never been very good at going back to the beginning, especially not having got to the end! I feel I’m very much reading as a writer now, and not as a reader, but probably I was always doing that. I think that’s the nature of alpha/beta reading, even if it’s subconscious, that you can still influence change in the story with your comments. Anyway, get on with it, Robinski! Details below. I enjoyed this again. There’s good action and plenty of detail to chew on as we learn about the world. There’s a particular ‘flavour’ to proceedings that I like, and the fact that the ‘magic’ isn’t magic at all (so far) but is natural, provides a strong opening, I think. Description is good, better than first time, I think, and certainly significantly better than Ard, imho. Problems? I had plenty! See below, but the main thing for me was S just leaving at the end of the chapter, not going back to see what might be salvageable from the house. There was at least one outbuilding, surely S was attached enough to the place to feel compelled to return even if just to confirm that everything was gone/ruined? Good job. <R> “if I was going to impress at the alchemical fair tomorrow” – I'm working from my memory of last reading the start. I'm thinking about the travel time to the town/city, or my vague recollection of it from before. It seemed to take a fair time to make the journey. If S doesn’t leave for the town the day before (i.e. today), she’ll be travelling on the day of the fair. How much time does it take to travel to the town, set up for what S has to do, etc.? I'm concerned about the timescales being very rushed, implying poor planning. “sprouted cup-shaped fungal” – for me, this is a compound adjective and should be hyphenated. “As each cup sank, the blue-green color seeped from it into the” – this is a plural disagreement, for me. “In the morning, I would meet a master.” – Again, travel time, but I'm pre-judging based on my previous read. Still, based on what I've read so far, I'm assuming town is about an hour away. Still, the implication is it seems late in the day to be preparing for such an important event. “I would not spend another year bound to this wooden house, with its wooden tools, stuck within a simplistic, wooden trade, any longer.” – grammar’s off here. “Behind the damp stood two men” – tripped on this the first time. Damp what? Oh, dampness? “tight red cloaks” – how is a cloak tight? I don’t really get that. Surely, by definition, a cloak is flappy. “They were uneducated, for Queensguard” – how does S know that? I didn’t see an obvious indicator. “crossed my arms, being careful not to crush any of the pouches of fungal pigment that dangled from my leather bandolier” – seems like a design flaw if S can’t cross arms without the bandolier being an encumbrance. Is this a change from it being a belt at the waist? “hard pressed to find it under all of Mother’s rusting tools” – who keeps an important certificate under a bunch of rusty tools? I always thought of S having good attention to detail. The description of the guards is very effective. Little details like being muddy, falling in the bush, sniffing. Good imagery. “stupid handmade floor. I was going to have to refinish it now” – this jars with me. Why have such a fancy floor in a reception room, which the least amount of mud ruins the whole thing. So, no one can go out on a rainy day for fear of bringing mud in a ruining the floor? If this was the second drawing room of some mansion, fine, but it’s a woodcutter’s house in the forest. “stripped the lock from the right door” – confused. If the door’s not locked, why does S need to remove the lock? “the ones she sold to guilds for apprenticeships, and taken none of their children in return” – don’t understand. I think it means that she would take in new apprentices from parents who belonged to other guilds. It could be clearer. I think my confusion comes from the fact that it’s described as an exchange, so why would she be receiving money, since she’d just be paying it out again when she ‘bought’ an apprentice back. The money seems redundant, unless she’s not buying from the same people she’s selling to, but that’s the way it’s described. In the end, I just spend far too much time trying to figure this. “A woodcutter was not who I was, a daughter was not who I was,” – Very awkward, compared to ‘a woodcutter I was not’, for example, or even ‘I was not a woodcutter’. “There was an oilcloth on the floor near the door, already coated with paraffin” – if S has not been in here for a month, surely the paraffin in this cloth has long since evaporated. “cut veneer so expertly glued together and dyed” – this phrase does not sound expert, I'd prefer a more technical-sounding word, like assembled, cemented (in place), (finely) constructed, manufactured, etc. “The ability to take those pigments from the wood and use them for other purposes” – from the fungi, surely. “had snagged halfway through when the bottom of the door hit the ground below” – but the door swung open very smoothly when they arrived, how is it sticking now? “rainforests of Thu as it was in the tropical ones of Sor’s capital” – So, Thu is the village where S lives, and Sor is the country, so why don’t you name the capital here? “propped the panel against it so it couldn’t be shut again” – using this unique thing made by royal appointment to prop a door open?! “damp air would help air out the house” – bit awkward, but I don’t have a better suggestion! “laying against the door, open to the elements” – No, I'm not having that – S put it there, that’s on S. On Page 2 you say “Tomorrow I would leave the woodcutting guild” – giving the indication that S is a member, I think, but S is not, as we find out here. “grabbed me by the wrist before I hit the threshold” – this seems well off tone, more like modern ‘street’ slang. Why not just ‘reached’? “The tears I was determined to not shed let fall streaked across my face, more evident now, likely, as they cut rivulets across my muddy cheeks” – ‘shed’ suggested for flow, but parts of this sentence seem contradictory, suggesting S already was crying, although the tears had just started to flow in the first part of the sentence. “Before I could get my feet under myself” – me. “I am not a woodcutter” – no, but S is sort of an imitation, which I thought was his point. “The tall one grabbed me” – S started skittering 4 lines before this, and there was no indication of the tall one following. Isn’t he still writhing? I don’t see how he can just grab S. “but I could just make out the taller one breaking away and moving back towards Mother’s house” – grammar seems off. “perhaps a ribbon of paper or a sheet of Mother’s veneer, and then was tossed farther inside” – I think you could punch up the impact of his action a lot by personalising the last part, and giving it a sentence of its own. ‘He tossed the flame inward/further inside.’ “The idiot. The absolute uneducated toadstool” – Weak, but writing Moth may have desensitised me. “the cart rocked precariously” – I think this would be the first sensory input after the explosion, before debris raining down. “He was…he was melting,” “The logical thing to do” “if it meant…it meant I would stay in Thuja. It meant never getting away from the villagers and their taunts. It meant staying with Mother and, and…” – there’s a lot of repetition of words in these last couple of pages, by this point, I think it’s just diluting the impact of what’s happened.

Thanks, Kais - yes, I will definitely want to do this. The beauty is that I have no real expectations. I want to try it, but I won't be on the edge of my seat. Just as well!!

I also have a spreadsheet!!! It's not massive yet, but it's ten times bigger than it was on Friday. I set it up before but really only headings, now I'm putting in the hard yards to populate the bejesus out of it. You and @kais are on there, of course, as my famous published friends I'm trying to share my time between research and editing TMM v2.0. I'm signed up to Submission Grinder too, which is super helpful. It's almost too much information. Certainly at this point for me.

The what now? Sorry, what I meant to say was... Welcome to Reading Excuses @Paracosmic_nomenclator!! Looking forward to reading your stuff. It's always really exciting to welcome new authors

Very cool - and nicely done! I was prompted to ask the question above because I'm turning my mind to submission (like I'm anywhere near ready, pah!), and starting my publishing research at least, in parallel with editing TMM. It is at once fascinating, intimidating and down right depressing to wade through authors, publishers and submission guidelines, but hey-ho, comes with the territory!

I'm going back to try and answer that question. I notice some other typos, but I'm not going full grammar smack down. "Please, you don't have to do this." - I don't know who says this. It seems out of whack with the tone. I mean, the dragon wouldn't plead. Is it the boy? Must be from the context. Pleading seems a bit off for him too thought, I thought. I think it's here... "...but eventually everyone lay defeated before her, the boy leaning on his sword in order to remain standing. When they were alone, the dragon's face changed again." ...for me, you've already said they're alone by stating everyone was defeated, so the second statement feels like something else happens in between the two sentences, but isn't stated. It's not a big thing, bit it felt just a bit disjointed in my head.

This is really exciting, well done! I know you're pushing towards self-publishing SoD. Have you given any consideration to looking for an agent / publisher at this point? Or are you fully committed to the self-pub route? There are a lot of people, I think, who still don't see it as an option for them. Just curious.

Yeah, good question. I've stuck my nose in there, but I've never been quite sure what the lay of the land was. I'll need to take another look. Thanks for trying the formula. The way it's set up does not seem to produce a great range of results, probably because I haven't really thought it all the way through, but your 1.03 is pretty much half way between the first two results. The answer I'm sort of expecting is that my characters don't ask enough questions, that they don't inquire enough, asking question to prompt the reader, or to confirm the readers own questioning. I've edited above to show another significant figure (which I should have done first time, given the scale of the results). Rounding made the TMM result up to 0.9 (should be 0.89), and Brandon's up too, which comes out at 1.09. Your 1.03 looks good in comparison!

So, homework. One of the things that I have become interested going through the Writing Excuses podcasts (I'm now at s11e29 and s12e28; doing the last two seasons in parallel to finish my catch-up) is the degree of certainty / precision / confidence in my writing. By this, I mean how confident/positive are my characters and my narrative, how competent are they? Also, is it a bad thing, or is it the characters being inquisitive and investigatory? Time for some research! I'm trying to weed out language that introduces doubt in the reader's mind, or suggests a lack of conviction from the author (me!). Offending words include 'maybe', 'perhaps' and 'possibl' (ending deliberately omitted, for reasons that will become clear). Also, '?' should be considered in this exercise as well, I think. I know that these are necessary and important in showing the characters trying to solve whatever it is they're pursuing, but there is a risk, I think, that the reader gets frustrated. Being (a) a smidge obsessive; (b) an engineer; and (c) easily distracted, I've developed a formula. It's very basic and should be considered rough draft at best. I'm also adding 'could' to it, because it is always possible to use 'would' or 'will' instead. I've excluded 'might' however, because it could me 'strength'. M = 'maybe' count; R = 'perhaps' count; P = 'possil' count; C = 'could' count; Q = '?' count; N = total number of words; U = unconfident index U = 100 * (M+R+P+C+(0.5*Q)) / N (See, I told you it was basic!) Example 1: Mark was sure he had heard a noise, was it the scuff of a shoe? Was he being followed? Perhaps someone had tailed him from the bar after all. Should he hide and try and catch his possible pursuer? What could he do if he did? Maybe the tail would be stronger than him, faster. He could end up on the wrong end of a beating. (U=10.6) Example 2: Mark heard a noise. It sounded like the scuff of a shoe. He guessed someone had tailed him from the bar after all. He could hide, try and catch his pursuer at it. Maybe with surprise on his side, he would be able to take the guy down, even if he was stronger. It still might cost him a beating, but he needed to know. (U=3.1) I thought it would be interesting to share this with yous (Glasgow term meaning 'you' plural). My idea is that you go to you current major work (novel), and search for these words, then post the count up here. I'll go first. TMM has the following counts, at present. maybe - 65; perhaps - 30; possibl - 31; could - 247; and '?' - 603!!!! N = 75,942 > (U=0.89) 'possibl' covers 'possibly' and 'possible, or course, which I didn't think deserved to be singled out. So, all very good (or not, depending on your perspective!!), but we really need a comparison, don't we? So, some time ago (2012, I think) Brandon had a Word version of Warbreaker on his website, which you could download, and it showed track changes from the previous edit. Very useful doc, although I've never explored it all that deeply. But I did download it, hence I can apply the formula to Version 2.0 of Warbreaker. It goes something like this... maybe - 94; perhaps - 146; possibl - 57; could - 860; and '?' - 2,137!!!! N = 204,364 > (U=1.09) What does this tell us about the initial premise? Perhaps not very much, by my crude reckoning, other than that the equation does really work at sentence level. I could spin the results into deciding that TMM does not feature enough of Q&M questioning what's going on, making probing inquiries, etc. But, possibly it's not too far away with some editing? Who knows, but, if anyone to there cares a bit too much about the metrics of these things, I'd be interested to know what results you get!!

Sorry, I should have said 'plush'...

Ooh, plush

Well now, I’ve been hoping for this for a long time, and only bolstered by a recent email that I received on a somewhat related subject (writing). Dragon, Dragon, Dragon – this is beautiful. The clarity, the lyricism, and that wonderful fairy tale quality. Excellent, but also funny and surprising in places. Bittersweet and very well balanced, I thought. “A cold wind blew through (the) room, heavy with storms and bitter from old magic.” – I don’t think I've read (or written) a better line than this all year. Maybe from Scott Lynch, maybe. “That was no snow-maid, you doofus” – Lol, I like the way you shift moods so easily. I tripped over the ending a little. It felt a little disjointed, not the events, just the flow of the language. I think it was the separation between the boy’s line telling her to go, and the maiden’s response. Easy to tidy up, of course. Well now. Having anticipated reading something of yours for about 80 of those 100 posts, I must say I am completely and utterly vindicated. I was right to eagerly anticipate, because that was very, very enjoyable. For me, it has style, flare – sure, like everything, it needs tidying up in places – but just so easy to read and take pleasure in, thank you for sharing. And the parentheses were a fine and positive addition. I am more than willing to wait another 100 posts for another submission from you, ID. Of course, fewer posts in between would be better. ;O)

OMG. I never thought I'd see the day!! Looking for to reading your thing. I'll just go check my stuff and download it :O)

Oh, you'll recognise him

If I'm honest, I did wince a couple of times as the camp-o-meter went dangerously high to exploding in a puff of smoke but, in this context, it was fine. Hey @Yuoaman, welcome to Reading Excuses, great to have you on board. Yes, I do believe you picked the absolute weirdest week ever to critique the submissions. I kind of wish you'd met Quirk in his 'mainstream' incarnation, or even in my own interlude in this increasingly bizarre series of events

Really sorry about how late these comments are. I’ll just say I’ve got a lot going on at the moment and leave it at that. Chapter 3 Straight away, I’m more engaged by the characters. L seems to be a fighter, which is certainly appealing, and you’ve got a nice sort of reversal of ‘traditional’ gender roles, where she is the strong, potentially resourceful, one and the male seems weak. That’s good. I’m a bit confused over what the general did and didn’t permit or specifically order. The narrative flows reasonably well, but the structure on the page looks strange. Imho you don’t need all those separate paragraphs. A lot of those should be together in single paragraphs in between the blocks of dialogue. There isn’t much description of the surroundings, but from what I imply about the shack, it would not have any kind of solid foundation anyway, assuming construction methods similar to low earth technology. If it’s not a dirt floor, and there are boards as there are here, they will always be suspended over some kind of underbuilding (hollow space), because you can’t lay boards directly onto the ground. It will never be even, and the wood will get wet when it rains and will rot very quickly. Another point, it seems like they take one board out. I don’t see how that leaves a big enough gap to pull a wooden chest through, even a small one. The logic of the discussion about the gold confuses me. So, why is he taking the gold, if not for personal gain. He’s taking it to save them from the general’s attention? It doesn’t seem to hang together for me. I don’t think martyr is the right word, when describing N. I’m unsure about L and G’s ages. L behaved in a pretty mature way, but I get the sense form some of their dialogue that they’re younger than I think (as with the previous submission). I think you should just come right out a tell the reader how old they are, or certainly L. I might have mentioned this in the first submission, for forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but some of the dialogue is very on-the-nose, for example “After these Xs leave, maybe we can go back to living a peaceful life” or “We’ve got each other’s backs, even when things get tough.” I would say that dialogue is one of the single best opportunities to make your writing stand out. Phrases like these are very familiar, near to being stereotypes. The bit where they go outside and see the sky has genuine wonder, and I thought you built nicely to it by slipping in the absence of salt smell in the air. The description is pretty sparse. That’s not wrong, but it does make the world feel shallower, I think, and means that the dialogue, characters and plot need to work harder to bring the colour and sense of place. Blocking too (where we are and how thing relate) feels off sometimes. For example, “She walked up to the edge of the former shoreline and peered off the edge” – this makes the place feel tiny. It feels like L’s shack is right on the shoreline, which doesn’t seem likely. Surely, she would need to walk 10 minutes to get to the shoreline. Otherwise, they’re going to have waves breaking over the house!! That’s the way I feel about it anyway, I'm not getting the sense of what you’re picturing in your head. I feel like with things like this “L wasn’t used to bragging, but if it would make G feel safer than she would try her hardest to exaggerate her own skills” – you’re getting down to a more complex level of character which is good. This simple line shows a lot about L’s character; that she’s protective, not above lying, putting on a brave face, and has inner vulnerability that she’s suppressing for the good of others. I feel like L is a lot more complex than the characters we met in the first submission. Chapter 4 I think you repeat her name to frequently, to the point it becomes disjointed. I think you can use ‘she’ for most of those instances, which would really help the flow, imho. “something just felt off” – to me, we’ve come beyond the point of something feeling just off. That phrase sounds like we don’t know what’s wrong, but we do know now – so I think you could ‘level up’ to a more definite phrase like, ‘this was all just so wrong’. It’s not ‘something’ now – it’s being in the aether. I like the lines about rabbit > wolves > cats > mice. Nice imagery that shows a bit of character. “No matter what I say or do, they’ll find some way to turn it into something cute or funny” – This seems off to me. Surely, her greatest fear is not that they will taunt her with cute and funny comments?!!!! If we’re using animal analogies, there is an elephant in the room hear. Is she not scared they will abuse her? Is she so naïve? What age is she? I don’t have any feeling at all for that. “Her light skin and clear accent was were closer to Jas than” and “but she did carry possess/have the raven-black hair and blue eyes” – Sorry to go all grammatical. Actually, I think it’s a mark of what I've read so far that the language of your writing is very clean, which is great. It’s really easy to concentrate on the content, and not be constantly distracted by grammaticals. “The woman’s beauty was almost harsh. Her ice-cold eyes demanded L’s attention, and there almost seemed something wrong about how perfectly her body had been stitched together.” – Here’s a thing about language that I used (no longer, I hope) to do all the time. There’s a temptation to use imprecise language like this, but I would recommend avoiding it if at all possible, because often, it ends up making your writing sound uncertain, almost doubting its own conviction. Consider this passage if you take out the ‘fudge’ words; “The woman’s beauty was harsh. Her ice-cold eyes demanded L’s attention, but there was something wrong with how perfectly her body had been stitched together.” I think there is a lot to be said for directness, giving the reader definite things to consider, rather than trying to decide whether you mean it or not. “one of the soldiers said. “No psyching way. You wouldn’t come here. Not now.”” – back to my comments about the tone of some dialogue. This sounds like a 14-year-old sk8tr boy, really quite cheesy, imho. Throw a ‘dude’ in there and Keanu Reeves could play him in the movie (20 years ago). “Yep” – really? This is very out of tune with the lady’s imposing demeanour. I like how the lady challenges L about the bullying thing, and we get a reveal of why she now sticks by G, even though he is a real wimp. However, “My sister told me that armies that have their soldiers wear a standard uniform are ten times more likely to pillage, maim, torture, and rape than armies without uniforms” – this sounds weird to me, like straight out of a market research report. 8 out of 10 cats prefer Fishy Chow… “The emperor sent me here to look for something” – excellent, a mystery. Blocking throwing me off again here. “A steep path upwards led to the forest beyond” – I thought they only took the village itself, but this seems like they scooped up the surrounding countryside as well? The lady seems to open up a lot to someone she’s known for about 5 minutes. “we won’t starve for at least a little while” – It doesn’t sound like enough food to keep a whole town going for more than a day, maybe two. Also, the bread sounds inedible from the description, even the good stuff. I thought the end of the chapter was weak. Her philosophising seemed random, and the hawk appears from nowhere, so suddenly that I don’t really care about it rather than its appearance seeming threatening or suspicious. Okay, well. I hope some of that is useful. I enjoyed many parts of this submission, although there were issues that stood out for me. The tone of the dialogue, by which I mean the phrasing largely, still seems on the immature side for the situation and some of the characters. Maybe it’s my ear trying to make the story something it’s not, but I don’t feel any real sense of threat, or stakes for that matter. It doesn’t feel to me that anyone is in danger. I think the sense of wonder could be dialled up too. A whole village has been taken away, but no one seems all that phased by it, other than that first moment of discovery by L. The rape thing. Yes, second the very clear and unequivocal comments by others. (1) warning required in the sub/email title; (2) in a story that is almost completely vanilla in terms of language, violence, sex references – the ‘R’ word does come across as flippant – you really need to think hard about what that means. Forgive my presumption, but if you are old enough (18), you might consider watching even just the trailer Gaspar Noé’s Irrèversible, which is a film about this subject; (3) in the situation L finds herself in with the soldiers, it’s almost surprising that specific threat does not occur to L, which brings me back to how out of place it is, and the story not knowing what tone it’s going for. It’s an interesting read, and I think it has good potential, but I want to feel more emotion from the characters, and more danger/threat. Also, I want a clear message about ages, of the character and the target audience. If this is YA, which it feels like, you cannot use the ‘R’ word. <R>

Yaaaaay!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...I know... Moth, Nicholas and Origon fanfic!!!!

Is there an emoji on here for applause? "paraded was the only word that fit" Yes! "though he was smoothing his fine pants suggestively" - rofl. "Rilan applauded the woman’s restraint in not punching him. With those arms, the spindly man would have gone through the bar." - lmao!! There are too many great lines to single out, but "Quirk flinched. “Oh, but the Chanel…" - I mean, just, yes. Fine stuff, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's a real shame that I can't go a Utoob and find the footage of that scrap :O) An excellent addition to the pantheon of RE Fanfic!!

Rofl - I still haven't read it - I'm having too much fund reading the comments!!!!

Haven't even checked my email yet, but already I LOVE the title. This is going to be good......

Yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yaya!

Yeah, I think it's fine if your a professional linguist (like Tolkien - near enough); setting up something that's you know is going to be sustained (like the Federation, at the point someone committed to develop Klingon); or just a complete fruitcake... but it's way, way beyond something that an unpublished author should contemplate, I think. Learn to write and entertain people in your own language first, and if you need it to sound like there is a complete language lying behind the culture you just introduced, do what authors do... 'Carth ins angl stral doh'*. (* "Make some sh!t up." - translated from the original Sothelyan.)

Okay, I'm reading now... "and was far cleaner than anyone else she’d met on Earth thus far." - Night on the town with Tightpants - "Does the place you suggest have less wood in it?" - Although, I was thinking it might actually have more 'wood' “With my smart mouth and the outfit you’re wearing? As much as we can handle.” - Oh, gosh, that was fun. I was a bit worried from the introduction that I had underestimated M's crass vulgarity, but I thought it landed very nicely where my impression is from reading TWD, and the culture shock of their worlds 'meeting' was not too great at all. Nicely done.

I've never considered R to be sufficiently bosomed to attract M's full attention. Maybe I'm wrong.