Robinski

Err, hello? Anybody home? Could I have a slot on Monday please, 1st April, right?

Hey, thanks for reading RD - much appreciated. I'll mull on those points

Both, yes, but I would say more to brother than sister, or maybe brother stood out more after my previous read of the story. The thing that stuck in my head was that S's clothes were still grimy and ucky, from the earlier observation from In. Auch, ye'er welcome, laddie

Hey Mandamon, thanks for reading, much appreciated. Thank you so much, Mandamon. As usual that was a testing workout, with some great comments. I still have work to do on those comment, but there some improvements there already. Much appreciated. <R>

Really appreciate your comments, thanks Eagle. Some good fixes there, and I'm really glad some of those lines landed for you Thank you!

I think I might have used up everyone's critiquing word count - apologies! Comments. “Tab Tad said” “The System that served the Assembly” – have we heard about this before? I don’t remember; it seems to appear out of nowhere. “. The amplification System took it and echoed it around the Assembly, making it into a vast rolling drumbeat” – but it was insufficient for the task of amplifying Hum’s voice? “Speaker Hum, you have the floor,” he said quietly” – and then he speaks quietly; this bit revolving around volume seems disjointed. “tugging on one lace-encrusted sleeve” – to me, this sounds like an actual growth. Word choice feels off, imho. Anything like ‘lace-trimmed’, ‘lace-edged’, ‘lace-enhanced’ would sound more natural, to me. “He must have been waiting to stand” – why is the identity held back? Feels like cheating, and is slightly confusing at the same time. “you arrogant cockatoo” – lol “more panic as than that chull” “Like As with Vethis, any reaction from her” – imho. “She wasn’t going to see dinner before eighth darkening, and by that time she was usually in bed.” – I don’t think a line about when Ril is going to get her dinner is punchy enough to end a section which has become quite dramatic. “He’s pretending. He’s still upset” – it’s not entirely clear here whether the Neth is providing Sam with a translation of In’s emotions or Sam is deducing by himself. “Sam leaned into the contact.” – Huh? I don’t understand. “Sam had never been as close to Phillip” – This section is unclear. Who’s Phillip all of a sudden and what does this closeness have to do with anything? Are we to imply homoerotic undertones here? I’m confused. “Thinking they would…and me…there’s no way” – I'm mystified; no clue what he’s thinking. “He could feel the cold numbing his fingers” – what cold? “There’s no roof overhead. I’m back in the unknown. Lost. Everything’s new.” – This transition – for me – was a hard kick in the suspension of misbelief. I feel like the last page is really jumbled in terms of emotion and signs, and I'm being bounced around like a pinball without a clear narrative line. “claws of ice reached up his spine” – was this ever a symptom of his condition? I don’t remember it. “I thought you were having a reaction to the food” – lol “clasped the man’s hand” – I've been assuming In was around Sam’s age, this makes him sound significantly older. “Inas didn’t pull back. He’s really not pulling back” – not sure of the point of the repetition; it sounds awkward. “He kept In’ warm touch” – note aware of Sam dropping his hand, so I think this means he’s still holding it? “filled with expensive shops” – How does he know they’re expensive? Also, I commented on this somewhere else, another submission. This phrase, imo, goes to the value of the buildings, and not the merchandise. I think there are more apposite words and phrases to convey the impression, like ‘luxurious retailers’, ‘exclusive outlets’ and even ‘pricey shops’. “from the movement of the crowds” – I got a good sense of people passing them on the street, but no sense at all that there were crowds. How can there be, they’re in a narrow alley, right? Also, I wasn’t aware that they had stopped moving. “They are called Ne glass,” In said, “used in the Ne and as official trade in the ten home worlds” – we know this already, don’t we? Ah, you’ve lost me here. We’re on our way somewhere to do something interesting then we stop and talk for a page about coins. I started skipping ahead. “With a sigh, he stopped halfway down a narrow alley” – sounded to me like he’s on his own, or he’s the only one who stopped walking. “feeling a smile grow on his face, and calm filling him” – This is something I notice sometimes in your writing and it always snags with me. I feel like ‘feeling’ and ‘fill’ are out of alignment, for the first thing, we are in the moment, but the second thing is much less so. Personally, ‘filling’, is much more in the character’s moment, I think. “often in the little shops that inundated the Imperium” – to me, this mean flooded, like an active thing that is in the process of happening, compared say to ‘peppered’ which, I feel, is something that is fixed, a matter of fact and not change. Then you get to say ‘peppered the imperium’ – which is tonnes of fun!! “Many of them act as are merchants in the Nether” – Surely, they’re merchants or they’re not. “He almost expected his aunt to walk in from the next room” – Ooh, poignant moment. I would not have minded lingering in it a moment longer. Nicely done. “commented on the fabric. “But fearfully underutilized” – I’m a bit puzzled that the dresser doesn’t comment on the unpleasant condition of Sam’s clothing. Also, I don’t understand how it’s underutilised. “a special pocket just for his watch” – I'm trying to figure now whether he’s more like Toad of Toad Hall, the White Rabbit or Bilbo Baggins “he was sure he would get used to them soon” – I think it’s more like the other way around. It’s more likely Sam would wear the boots in, and the boots themselves would ‘get used to’ him. Sorry, I do not mean to poke fun, but I have a smile on my face in a dragged-out-of-the-story sort of way. There is something…, different about the tone of this page. Like here… “He grabbed In’ left arm, En’ right, pulled them close” – I’m expecting a musical number, maybe Oliver Twist or Mary Poppins. In fact, yes, I can hear it now… ‘Consider yourself, one of us… consider yourself part of the family…’ “Reminds me o’ me second father’s mam. Couldn’t pry her” – If you’re going full Scottish, I would suggest ‘Couldnae’ here. I’m on Maximum Pedant setting today, sorry – you're getting the full force of it! I apologise. Comedy is something I'm very interested in at a mechanical level, mostly I think because of the absolute necessity for precision and attention to (obsession with) detail to make zingers land with the highest impact. Good comedy is like poetry in that respect. I’m getting my excuses in first before commenting on this line; “Couldn’t pry her loose from her wardrobe with a bar o’ iron.” In my opinion (always free and worth about that much or slightly less), this line is a bit wordy, compared to something like “Couldnae* pry her oot her wardrobe wi’ an iron bar.” (* I would say that this, and wouldnae, are one word, in the same way that couldn’t and wouldn’t are.) “His clothes were like the others they passed, with fine detailing,” – does this mean ‘only his had fine detailing in addition’, or do the others also have fine detailing? I wasn’t clear on that. “Sam swiped at an eye” – I presume he’s wiping away a tear, but it sounds like he’s taking a swing at someone else’s eye. The phrasing really distances me from the emotion of the moment. The politics of the assembly was great. I can picture the setting (even though there isn’t an awful lot of description further into the section), and there is some good manoeuvring, turns of events, etc. Nicely done. The section with the friends is less engaging, but still effective when it’s centred on getting Sam new clothes and how he fits in, less so when meandering off to talk about currency. I think the second half of the chapter would benefit greatly from some pruning. I found myself often distracted by phrasing things (as noted above). A good edit will make it much smoother, I'm sure. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see the friendship blossoming in this section, but it really can be tightened up. Looking forward to next time. <R>

On we go – more comments. “most importantly—quickly” – I worry about her judgement if she thinks this is the most important consideration. Being right (good judgement or deductive skills), must be the most important think, surely? I do like the purposeful opening to the chapter though. “solidly built veteran lictor” – I want this detail earlier, so I can picture him as we go. I’m enjoying the pace and the forward momentum; this feels like the right approach at the right time. Get the story moving, and the character doing stuff. “The inside interior of the house was a mess” – more convincing and satisfying to use words that are more specific, I think. “The crash had come from a cupboard detaching from the wall” – this tells me nothing about the impact, it doesn’t convey the violence of a cupboard full of stuff smashing to the floor and exploding into splinters (for example). “Mistress Clup…” – this is in use as her title, so should be capitalised. “The smile must have worked as intended. The larger woman made chewing motions for a while before until she realized there was no other reasonable way to take response” – First, be more direct and positive, imprecise or indirect language is not satisfying. Secondly, I don’t think the grammar of the reaction is right. The woman takes the only reasonable course available. “she’d rather not have record Brom recorded as her first ever arrest” – more active and urgent to put this in the present. “a competitor, maybe?” – I believe this is a question. “All he does is go around and collect piss at night!” – Lol. “mister Clup” – again, Mister, I believe. “It’s clear that mister Clup is already dealing with enough malice in his life” – Ooh, this is very unprofessional – I don’t think this is in character, is it? “she said as her patron ran up” – This word is very plain as the name of your ‘Gee whizz’ magical artefact. I would like it to feel more like part of a mythos and have a bespoke word of its own. “So, because it’s another Dhe, cutting will work this time?” – Commas, need a couple here, for the pauses in the sentence. “she informed her.” – confusing, need one name or other. “How are you two still married? Char my bones, just get a divorce already. Or next time I’m here it might be to solve a murder” – Per my earlier comment, this is super unprofessional and I likely to get Laur pulled up on a charge pretty darn quickly. Supplemental; also, it seems to me that your female characters so far are all harridans, and I include Laur in that category, although she is not ‘old’ (yet). “she’d banished the Dhé” – Really? I didn’t get any sense of that; I thought the patron killed one rat. That was too easy. “Well, it seems the case is closed” – Eh? What?! No, it’s not – she didn’t even investigate the culprit at all. That is not a closed case in any kind of police procedure I've seen on screen or read. “clutter-free except for a single, towering stack of files” – this is kind of cheating, I would drop ‘single’ which is misleading, even for only one word. I felt conned for no particular reason. So, that was kind of fun, I enjoyed the directness of it, and that things were happening. Good pacing and getting stuck into some detection, however I ended up dissatisfied, for the reasons outlined, but from details that can be fixed easily enough, if you feel they are issues. To summarise, (1) Clup’s wife and the landlady feel very similar. The b*tching is entertaining, but beware of one note characters singing the same tune; (2) Laur patron killing the Dhe was too easy, or maybe give more description of the Dhe chasing about and shredding; (3) there’s no way the case is closed, no way. Nice work though – it read very smoothly, I thought; I liked the style. Might consider nipping down to the hardware store and buying a bag of commas <R>

Through the Rockies, actually, so probably fair enough

Hello Everyone, Thank you for considering and I hope you have the time and inclination to read this latest submission. 'Previously on TMM...' is noted below, there are three chapters here, each relatively short, but slightly over the total - sorry about that. 'L' for the usual reasons, 'S' for one use of a sexually derogatory word that goes beyond 'L'. If anyone is interested, this submission takes us to Page 201 out of 294, so beyond the 2/3rds mark, and there are 'only' four more submissions to go after this one - if you're willing to stick with it. My gratitude again to all those who continue reading, and to those who have input up to this point. Best, Robinski

I know, eh! And we did drive through some light snow from Calgary to Creston

Erm, so normally I would put this in Lounge, obvs, however for the general lack of interest anyone who happens to be listening, just touched down in Calgary today from Glasgow, and what do you now; it's colder, greyer and rainier here than in Scotland. Who'd've thunk it?

I too would like to submit please, assuming I can remember what day it is, as I'm on leave for the next 3 weeks

Thank you for reading, Dragon - much appreciated, some good challenging comments here! I'm not sure why Q&M would discover the Geocorp stuff, as they aren't investigating them. I'll need to mull on this. Q's motivation, to large extent, is do a job a get paid, so he is removed from the primary source of the motivation at the moment, although there is the threat of some kind of action against him if this or that happens. I do need to work on Q's reactions to just about everything. The droid - fixed. Edited - thanks, good point. Yes, this is a hole - I need to fix this. Lol - I'm not familiar with their work, but thanks for the link Yeah - I have quite a bit to do. All I can do is call first draft. Thanks for these comments, ID; really helpful to set my focus.

Hey RD, thanks for reading, much appreciated. Hah, this was a fairly direct reference to WE commenting about how villains usually are the heroes in their heads. Maybe too direct - I'll think on it. Yeah, I'm going to review that in the next edit; it's been flagged a lot. I'm glad there are things that work. Your use of the term 'high gear' is very encouraging Many thanks for the comments.

Hey, thanks for reading, Man - much appreciated. I do not, and that's lazy on my part. It would be glib to say that 'all over the place' is what I was going for. I need to give it more thought. Duly tagged. Err - yes, that's messed up. Edited. Really just meant a better way of exacting revenge. Supplemented a little. I've added a soupçon of scepticism on Q's part - just a hint. Those are really helpful comments, thank you. Serval changes made and yet more notes for Edit No.2!!

Hey, thanks Eagle - that's really helpful. The addition of 'eh' might be problematic though, that's such a Canadian stereotype, and my wife is Canadian, so it would tend to cause... issues for my beta reader!!

Honestly, I've been at a complete loss as to how to respond to the previous posts. I really thought certain individuals, who (largely) have commented on 'the work' with insight and sensitivity, and genuine desire to be helpful (I think), have so abjectly failed to do so here with something far more important. I guess that's politics for you. We seem to have lost a member of this forum who has brought immeasurable benefits to our work, and real pleasure to many, certainly myself, with the submission of their own work. That is deeply saddening, as is the loss of other diverse voices. Neither am I proud of my lack of comment here. Too late now, the milk is spilled, but I must apologise for not supporting those who I also like to think of as friends. You will be sorely missed.

Hey Eagle, thanks for reading - much appreciated. Hmm, I need to think on that. Nice catch Heh - well, I was heading towards him being Belgian, but Flemish is like the only language not included in G**gle translate - so, it ended up a bit of the jumble. I've swapped 'monsieur' out and introduced 'meneer', making him Dutch. Err, great! I think... Thanks for the comments, they totally helped tidy some stuff up. <R>

Hey @Kais, thank you for reading. I'm glad you're feeling the pacing working now - just need to sort out that travel in some way! Yeah, I'm reluctant to move the whole scene, but I see the need for trailing these issues much earlier. Will do. Yup. Nasty old company (boo, hiss). Fair comment - I will seek to do that. I'm on it. Edited. I was going for, well quirky, I suppose. I'm going to change it. I added "Both detectives were wearing suits, so bad that Quirk couldn’t identify the tailor." I'll work on softening that. That wasn't my intention - edited to show that Pop doubts Quirk is telling the truth. Comments very much appreciated, thank you Kais

Okay then. I’m hoping for something to grab me and shake me around a bit, I'm hoping for some action. “cut in to the Sath’s explanation of their secession” – bit confused at this point. The Speaker is only describing the withdrawal of the Cult of Form, not the whole Sath delegation. So, “should their request be approved” – surely the composition of the Sath delegation is a matter for them, and it must change from time-to-time, like the composition of a political party, which doesn’t need government approval of its members. I thought we were talking about the entire Sath race withdrawing their representation from the Assembly. “obviously wealthy shops” – I don’t think this conveys the right impression. Expensive shops? Luxurious shops? A cheese shop could be wealthy, if it has a high degree of profitability. “Gills gaped underneath, sheltering him from the ceiling” – huh? “His mind spun span at what to call the person” – it’s like the difference between ran and run. “Our last trading run was between TaiRapa” – to? The rest of the sentence doesn’t seem to make sense with this. “We had five days’ travel to the nearest town” – suggest “sniffed and wiped her nose with a silken sleeve” – Eww, I feel this is out of character. Also, En’s description of the drain attack seems odd. I mean, a person could run away from a drain, they don’t move that fast, surely. “What are these Arid everyone is frightened of?” “They are monsters,” Enos said, “But there cannot be any truth to the rumors. There can’t be. Those creatures were exterminated hundreds of cycles ago.” – I feel like the ending would have much more zing without ending on exposition. I enjoyed this chapter. The Council scene was a good length, and the remaining section held my interest. I think it’s easier to read the youngsters discussing things together than it is the maji just expositing things at the youths. I would have stood some greater description of the meal and the flavours; that was an opportunity to introduce some ‘otherness’. Nice work. Looking forward to next time and things (hopefully) hotting up some more. <R>

Lol - congratulations Comments. “but the rigidness of her body” – rigidity “we’d left the guildhall laughing to tears” – confused; there didn’t seem to be much to laugh about from what I remember of their respective moods as they made for the door. “as if we were walking alongside reality instead of in it” – nice line “Whatever your brother wants, we don’t have time for it. Whatever this witch wants, we need to deal with it immediately” – confused again. Didn’t she just question whether Sor’s brother was implicated? And how does it take precedence over the treaty? “We entered to the inn and…” “Imbuing them through another’s body… it’s ridiculous!” – I think you need to clarify the first reference to this. It doesn’t land so well here because I didn’t think the earlier reference was clear. “a sympathetic smile playing at played on her mouth” “We need to work on your speaking,” – unclear. Sor’s delivery, their negotiation skills, their tone? “The horse was skittish and sidestepped when I took the reigns reins,” “brown and frayed at the hem” - ? “Mag’s horse in the chest and the beast crumbled” – I struggled to see this bringing a horse down with one blow. I felt like it should have reared. Dunno, I'm not a horsey person. “Tears stung my eyes” – I was looking to have something about the alcohol in Sor’s mouth/throat. “pinched a thumbnail sized amount to the top” – I'm confused about the powder deployment. Sor pinches a small amount, and I presume from the wording that was the intention, because there’s no indication it wasn’t. Then, however, Sor ends up spraying the whole pouch around. So, what was the point of pinching the small amount? “ran as fast as they could” - ? “choking on steam and charred air” – I'm not convinced there’s enough water/snow for a noticeable amount of steam to form. Having said this, I like the idea, but the description doesn’t convince me, thus far. “I couldn’t do either without more snow for my hands” – I don’t understand this. I kind of glossed over the comment about Sor’s hands being wet before. Yes, very good job this time around. Tearing apart couples / partners / etc. at this stage in a story is a tried a tested technique. Kudos on that. The mod scene was well done. I can always tell when I get that helpless feeling, that feeling of ‘Nooo!!’ that I'm immersed in what’s going on. The description of the ‘riot’ was convincing, visceral in places. Also, I was ‘happy’ to accept the witch’s control of Sor at the end, and Sor’s reluctant acceptance of the situation; their sacrifice to save Mag. Good job. Keep in coming. <R>

Dear all, Many thanks of reading if you have the opportunity and all comments most welcome. I've flagged with a 'D', because there is mention of drugs, but there is no actual drug-taking. Many thanks, Robinski

I see. Good, at least I was headed in the right direction, I think! For the less experienced reader (in matters non-binary), there are some references where a smidge more certainty would benefit understanding greatly. Not flat out explanation, just a word or two, but that's your balance to call, obviously.

I am looking forward to this. Let’s rock-n-roll “wool blankets” – you and @Mandamon both do this. To my ear, this isn’t ‘right’. I’m interested to know why you don’t say ‘woollen’ in this situation. ‘He knocked on the wood door.’ I mean, what? “the softness of one who has borne children” – not especially clear; I presume you mean birth weight never entirely lost. As a parent, I know you’re not talking about her temperament. Okay, I’m going to stick my neck out (again) and wade into this (mixed metaphor, but I'm not sorry). Why, if Mag is into large-chested ladies, and has made a point of ogling more than one in Sor’s presence, would Sor think that Mag had brought them along as a bed-mate? “One of the others said she left early this morning, but wouldn’t give any details as to her location. We’re to wait here for her to return.” – I'm prepared to believe that these knights are well educated, if that’s what you want them to be, but this seems awfully fancy for casual conversation, even for higher echelons of society. “things like philosophers’ stones” – And this bit of dialogue is pretty darn serving-person-and-butler, imho. “The lack of country national affiliation will be useful” “and slathered another piece of bread” – lather is foamy, right? Sorry, I’ve slipped into LBL mode. “More low-class chairs” – suggest ‘low quality’ or ‘poor quality’. This sounds more like description of a person’s social standing. “Next to it was a tree with maple leaves” – this sounds weird. I know what you mean, but I want it to say ‘Maple tree’. “All the ones from last night were here in the main room, eating various parts of the breakfast” – too much information. “but the joinery was perfectly cut” – I would say the wood is perfectly cut. The joinery is the act of cutting, surely. I expect you will tell me that joinery also can be a noun, but if you use the word ‘wood’ instead (or planks, strips or boards) it avoids confusion between noun and verb for those who might read it the other way. Okay, I’m going to stop grammering – sorry, I know it’s not what you want at this point. “I was overreacting to an empty room. It would be an empty room devoid of masters, which only compounded our current problems” – I don’t understand this. ‘our’ problems. I don’t see how this compounds Mag's problems. And the tense of the first underline confuses me and the meaning here. Sor is already in the room, aren’t they? I was really dragged forward quickly when the action started in the guild house. Good description using the senses, the smell of the man’s breath was particularly effective in placing me right there. There was some style stuff that snagged me a bit, but nothing that made me want to stop and comment. “man in purple” – and with curly black hair, it’s Prince! – sorry, but that was one of my thoughts. Also, the whole scene is kind of Mr. Underhill in reverse, but then I think you have not read Lord of the Rings, so how would you know? “I heard you can use a male witch same as any powerful woman. Get yourself a good sword out of it.” – this confuses me. Is he joking about Mag being a smith or Sor having an appendage? Or Sor being submissive to Mag? Whatever way around, I find it most unclear. “They should all be castrated.” Mag seethed” – Not understanding the logic of the previous ‘joke’, this doesn’t chime for me, of course. “hard enough that it hit the wall and reverberated back to smack her shoulder” – this is defined as “(of a loud noise) be repeated several times as an echo” – maybe rebounded? “she wrapped me in the blue cloth” – what blue cloth? “I am Mother’s first to be born with the correct anatomy but Sam… Sam is Mother’s firstborn son.” – This is confusing to me. I cannot deduce what it means and it’s frustrating because it feels like deliberate misdirection. Does it mean Sam is older but does not have the ‘correct’ anatomy? What does ‘correct’ even mean in this context? There are other questions that I would ask but, frankly, I'm afraid to. It’s still a barrier between me and the character. Sor has now been taken and male and female Good chapter, but left feeling lingering frustration. Some of the references in the guild house scene are confusing, as I think others have picked up – but that can all be tidied up. Other moans noted above, but there were some nice scenes and good tensions excitement in this submission, some good description too. <R>