Guru Coyote

Update: the revised versionn of this story made place #2 with 22 of 25 possible points (the winner was at 24). I did use many of the suggestions you gave here, esp. andyk's regarding sense of place and character. Anyone who whats to read the final version I submitted, just let me know

I, too, enjoyed this one. I thought it was solid and worked well. Not being native speaker, I didn't have problem with the dialect/accent, in this story it worked well. I also thought that the emotional motivation (Cooper herself being an orphaen etc.) worked. I don't have a lot to add to what has already been said, so just one observation from me: A lot of the troopers are female, which I like. But, on several occasions, I was slightly jarred out of the story flow by realizing this fact too late. A trooper is introduced/mentioned by name and I somehow assume them to be male first (bad assumption, I know)... and only a bit later there is a female pronoun, which prompts me to adjust my assumption. I guess quite a few readers of military sf might have that problem... maybe you can address this by making it clearer earlier?

Interestingly, the 2 others who voted so far... picked the other two titles I was considering voting on

Being late to read this story and comment on it, I can't add much. This is one cool concept! ONe thought: it seems that Montague was actively taking away the emotions his creations gifted after each Frieday's offering? If that is correct, it seems not everyone who commented before picked up on that, so you might want to make that more clear - Montague stepping into their shadow and inhling etc. What this story does need is more clarity regarding motive etc. Maybe if you try and keep the POV more to Montague, esp. in the ending. I agree that taking it slower with this story might be a good idea. And then... I hate to say it, the ending came expected. That is not automatically a bad thing for a tragedy, where you know what will happen in the end... but this could use more supense and drama. Suspense comes from knowing what must happen, but not knowing how and when...

I liked the way you handled the issue you set as your topic for this one, it worked much better than the simulation story. The story read easily and I never had any slow moments. It pulled me in and kept me going to the end. I really liked the 'rebel propaganda' with Robert giving him the 'history' and seeding doubt. And, well, the end. As others have said before: it was rather expected. Maybe if you try and build more sympathy for Robert... we need to WANT to believe his spiel. You might try and give the MC the idea of Robert being a plant... and then Robert successfully dispelling the doubt... so it actually is an unexpected betrayal in the end. Not sure. The setting for this one was very believable, good work

Apart from agreeing, let me try to add something to the discussion I think what this story needs is two things: * you need to be more clear about what 'genre' you are telling this tale to... is this horror? If so, then it's no big deal when the protagonist is 'helpless' and just swept along, experinencing terror. If it is not horror... he is far too passive. * you need to TELL THE TALE. If this storyteller is so great, show us. What did he DO with the images he stole(?) from Brian's mind? The mystery you built at the start pulled me through the tale, but you never answer the central question(s) ... This tale can be something great if you take it there

I'm just now catching up with RE... I liked this one. The setting and the atmosphere/tone worked well for me. What I especially enjoyed was the MC having to deal with the situation without having a gun of his own. Also nice was the fact that it appeared that a soldier would as likely be female than male. I might have liked more of the web of intrigues this city seems to have to show... I did have a problem with the accent, but that might simply be because I read via test-to-speech, and the voices usually have issues with non-standard spellings I think that choice of words and grammar usually works better in protraying dialect/tone than actually trying to portray the sound of the words. I had slight problems making out who was saying something at a few places, but that might be due to the same problem. There was one section where I lost focus / got confused: that was when the MC was tracking the murderer through the city. In that part, I lost a good sense of the place and felt lost for a moment. The only other complaint I might have is that this one seemed a bit brief at times. Not too brief, but I'd have liked more detail here and there. All in all, I think this a good piece.

Oh ho. This story hits close to home for me... as I've spent a significant amount of my daily life in Second Life a few years back. The central conflict of the story is well worked out and I find little about the writing I'd criticize. The sensory descriptions work and I think the gap between simulation and reality comes across well. I do have a few issues with the mechanics of the story though It raises a few questions you might want to consider: * if the conflict between Karl only being 'in reality' and Karen having been able to escape into simulation ever since she wasn't a child anymore.... How did these two ever end up being a couple? I'm not saying that's not possible. The way the story is fold, it seems they have been a couple for some time. So why did this conflict only ever come up now? Then there are small details: it seems she is used to only drinking for food. I'd almost predict that first meal Karl cooked her would very much play havok with her digestion. And then there is the very central issue I have with how this simulation thing works: It seems that 'a simulation' is an isolated thing, one human (normally) with the machine. Whatever happened to networking and shared (social) spaces? The real reason why Second Life and similar virtual workds are so immersive (and addictive) are... wait for it... the people The social interaction. From your story I get the feeling that anything inside the simulation is a construct of the human's desire created by the machine. Granted, the not-networked aspect gives a very good explanation for the two-person machines... Putting in the social, shared worlds aspect would make for a very different story. It's much easier to not be jealous of a pure simulation of another 'lover' ... but when this other lover is the avatar of another (real) human... Anyway, I hope my thought help you. And let me repeat: I think the story is good, you just touched a touchy topic for me

Oh-kay! Seems I'm on the right track here The bones are good, now for some (a bit) more meat. Let me see how much more sense of place and character I can do... I'm still about 600 words short of the upper word count. And yes, the "why is she at the vet's and not in a hospital" question did occur to me, so that's something I'll work on too.

I did enjoy this one! I thought the setting vivid and convincing. I'm not sure if it is totally Mayan though. The feeling I get for these people is more... close to my own (western) culture. Ichik feels a bit like a Da Vinci in the making... That said, I don't think that is bad! The setting felt very coherent to me... just not neccessarly Mayan. The story as such starts out very well, we get to know everyone and all the stakes early. It's very clear what this is about, and the story does deliver a satisfyling resolution to it. But ... The actual 'tipping point' of the story felt a wee bit... too smooth. Ichik has an idea, set's it in motion, and succeeds. Yes, there is a big personal sacrifice involved, but still. The final plan just... works. Maybe be story would have gotten too long over all, but I felt a wee bit cheated there. There a few small things I noticed in the writing, nothing major: "this region's dozen rebels either starve" is the 'dozen' here meant literally as a number? Or is he saying 'only a dozen' ... if it's the latter, I think you might want to rephrase it. "Ichik followed the sound of giggling to the foot of the pyramid." You never mentioned the sound before.. so 'the sound of' feels off. You want to start by saying: "hear giggles..." There were two or three further places where I stumbled slightly, but the fact that I stopped taking notes should tell you I was fully drawn into the story by that point. All in all, great yarn!

So here is my second story for this group to comment on, thanks again for all the good input for my first one. I will be submitting this story to a challenge next weekend, so I am looking forward to any suggestions, feedback and possible improvement you might have. Mostly I'd like to know if you think the story works. The story is intentionally a Sad Story, the mission for the challenge is to 'touch the heart.' Let me know how much I failed at that ^^

Hi akoebel, thanks for your feedback! The first sentence was very much on purpose "petting the dog" and it seems to have worked well. Everyone seems to like Aaron! I'm not sure I really want the reader to catch on too early that Aaron is blind, I was trying to balance disorienting the reader with pulling the reader in. Using more of the non-visual senses might be a good road to travel. Yes, the Spanish was very much intended to put the reader in the same pasotion as Aaron. Seems like the vision part as such worked out, only it lacked direction and (discerable) purpose. This definitely a story I will return to eventually, and put all the feedback to good use.

I'd also like to submit a short story for Monday if there is a slot available. I'll be entering it in a challenge next Saturday, so would be very glad to get some feedback before that

Thanks to you too, Trizee! Aaron's motive definitely needs better definition... as to his *plan* of how to go about finding Quezalcoatl... the intention here is very much to have Aaron be 'driven by a vision.' He does not understand it anymore than anyone would, only that he must return and find the feathered serpent. I'm considering giving him some more detailed dream-imagery... just seeing the serpent in his dreams is hardly something that will drive a man to go on a fools quest.

Reading Syme's remark abut the transfer time of the data, I recall I was wondering about this too. Actually, I was expecting this to be the place where "things go wrong" - the transfer taking much longer than in the practice runs etc. One possible explanation of why we know exactly how long the download will take ist this: the jimmy copies the flash storage of the phone 1:1 in its entirety. That is, it does not copy 'just' the data, but makes a physical copy of the drive. Given the practice phone has the exact same build, that would make it take exactly as long for both phones. Doing it this way might actually make sense (you'd end up with a copy of the *running* system, not just the stored data. E.g. you'd also know what apps were running and what was showing on screen etc.) That being said... I doubt that would be accomplished in the time we have here. Just try copying a 16GB USB flash drive to you computer in total...

Well, a prophet will always be "that guy from downstairs" to his neighbors (they might tack on 'weird' later, when asked by the media.)

Okay, that was an enjoyable read! I particularly liked how you set up his values early on, to then chip away one after the other as the story progessed. "never put a name on your mark" - "no drug work" - "no boss" ... I could see how with each step along the path of his new job he was degrading more and more away from those values. The last sentence "This is what freedom feels like" was a bit of a surprise... I was expecting a more bleak, cynical end. Or was that irony? You might want to make it more clear. Regarding the pacing... in terms of story-flow I think it works well, you draw the reader in and keep him interested. I didn't think too hard about the pacing of the actual grabs... The initial scene worked fine in the description. Nothing seemed odd or off, so I was good to trust the author here. Well, I feel a bit weird to not have anything critical to say, but here you go.

Thanks, andyk! There's a theme forming here... it all seems to hinge on Aaron's (unclear) motive. When I was writing this, brevity was a high goal... but I think the real reason for the weak spots is that, I hate to admit it, I wasn't really clear on what Aaron was really out to achieve. I thinkonce I figure that out, the actual resolution will fall right into place.

Great comments, Mandamon, thanks! Maria being a mystery is intentional, but all the other open questions will need to be addressed. And yes, I agree reganding the resolution... this is what I am still struggling with the most for this tale: What does Aaron want, and what does he actually get? That's an interesting observation regarding his speech thanks for pointing that out. While at the very end, I intentionally let Aaron use some Spanish to address the cabbie. All in all it seems like this little tale can use some more words in the setup and in the climax phase.

Hi! Hope I haven't jumped any guns by goind ahead and submitting for tomorrow. Silk said I could in the welcome PM (It's 'only' a short story anyway, hehehe)

HI RE-ers! Excited to be posting my first submission, hope I got it all right on the first try. Feathers and Scales is a short story, meant to be a complete story. It might be the first in a series, but should stand on its own just as well. I entered this story into a challenge elsewhere and got feedback, but I'm looking for fresh eyes and input on its possible strenghts and weaknesses. Sorry if you were expecting / hoping for Figurative Origami, this one is not. The story itself is dear to me, so I'd like to take it to its best. Anyway, thanks for reading and giving feedback. I'm looking forward to reading what you have, also.

So, I reached the "reply to this topic" text area at the bottom of this page. Now what. Oh, right, who am I? Well, as you can probably guess, I'm neither a Guru nor a Coyote, but I do aspire to be at least one of those someday. I started writing seriously and regularly sometime around August of '12, but am not at all new to writing. Doing over a month of "750 words per day" last year has jump-started quite a few projects and by now I actually finish most of my stories. I tend towards short story length (2k to 8k), and have recently been writing mostly Fantasy, although I prefer to read SciFi myself. Authors/Books... well, as others have said, there would be many. Recently I very much enjoyed Vernor Vinge, Cory Doctorw, Neal Stephenson... A very current (writing) obsession of mine is what I call "Figurative Origami," basically taking idioms and phrases of figurative speech, and building short narratives from them. What else? Well, I'm looking forward to sharing some material, giving feedback and also receiving some. What I really like about the idea of Reading Excuses is that the material itself is NOT public, allowing writers to share their work with more peace of mind. So, let's see how this goes! ### Some Figurative Origami to knot all your minds, I promise my other writing is less obscure: Larry Clam was so happy he could have gone over the top in a nutshell. He’d been to hell and back on a pogo-stick and even wrote home about it. Between the devil and the deep blue sea he had kissed a loving seal. He told that to the marines, but they thought the kiss a bit made up. So after he had been out to sea and then hung out to dry a bit, he was content to kiss the dust. And while he lived, he resolved to tell the truth and shame the devil with the details.