Paul SB

And now for our third installment. In Entry 5 we have a prison break, and my main concern there is that it might come across as too easy. Entry 6 is more world building and character dev, with our intrepid hero stuck inside a cramped little spaceship with the alien who spoke to her in Entry 4. It's early enough in the story that the world building is necessary, as long as it doesn't come across as too data dumpy. Thanks for taking a look, and feel free to share any thoughts. Summaries by Entry: Incompatible with Love Entry 1 — Daisy Viramontes, who has stowed away on an autonomous cargo ship heading for Mars, becomes alarmed when she realizes that the ship is still going after it should have landed. When she goes up to the bridge to see if she can find out what is happening, she discovers that there is another stowaway. He is a spy for the European Union, and tells her that the ship is going to to the dwarf planet Ceres and he is there to find out why. Entry 2 - The ship reaches Ceres and Daisy and the spy try to hide from the cargo handlers. Guards see them and chase them through a secret base. The chase ends when they crash into a lounge full of aliens. Entry 3 - Our intrepid hero is captured and imprisoned after her spy buddy is shot. Entry 4 - The aliens contact our intrepid hero and ask questions about the social systems of humans, after revealing that they have suspicions about the particular humans they are working with. Bon apétit!

Me two, please!

Okay, thanks for the input. You'll find out in an upcoming chapter that the aliens found out about humans by way of hobbyists who like to tinker with outdated technologies, like communications based on electromagnetic radiation (radio and TV), so what they no about humans comes from watching our TV. But humans stopped using that technology, so their information is outdated. I added a sentence to the interrogation about them having old data. As to D's social status, the aliens are very egalitarian, so social status doesn't mean much to them. I like world building, so go ahead and run your thoughts by me. Unlike my last one, the word count is around 85 kilowords, so there's room to add some details.

If you're interested, I lifted an outline format for a 3-act structure from K.M. Weiland's website which I've found pretty useful.

Hitting the Inciting Incident in Chapter 2 looks like good pacing, and A's characterization comes off pretty well. So far so good, but like before your punctuation and diction errors are very distracting, and likely fatal to getting it published. What Worked: A’s one-track mind and plotting behind his grandfather’s back is very age-appropriate. Hitting your Inciting Event in Chapter 2 is probably good pacing. How many words do you expect this story to take up? Are you using any kind of planning chart to plot out this story? Not So Much: “… imported from the southern region of the empire.” — It would help to give the name of the province. Otherwise it looks like you didn’t put much effort into world-building. “The man could not possibl(y) e have been skilled in its use considering the way he looked.” — What, specifically made this guy look like he couldn’t be competent with a sword? Did he have weenie arms, was he old and bent, too weak to swing the thing, did he have a crippled hand, or did he look like some powderpuff courtier? “Sir Titus …” — The combination of the Medieval title with the Roman name is a bit jarring. Takes the reader right out of the story. While Grampa’s angry pacifism is completely understandable, the way he speaks to his grandson makes him look more like a jerk and a bad parent/grandparent. If you have him explain his reasoning to A with a little more patience he would come across as a better person. It would also make it more impactful when A defies him. You vastly overuse the words “though” and “seemed”.

Okay. If anyone else needs it, please let me know.

Here we go with submission 2 for your holiday reading pleasure. I hope you enjoy. The second entry includes a bit of a data dump, but it was necessary for some things to be explained to the aliens. It's both plot-relevant and theme-relevant, and hopefully not annoying. Any input is appreciated, however.

While I agree with Appol about there being little sense of how this is moving the plot forward, the first few chapters need to provide a lot of information about the world, the characters, and show what is normal in the protagonist's life before dumping said protagonist into the adventure. I'm a little less worried about the sense of plot relevance because of that. There should be some sense of direction from the very beginning, though. What Worked: “Yes(,) it would do you well to see what is happening since you will be handling the affairs of the house sooner or later.” — Good ending, especially how it shows that M has some level of confidence in A. “Anthony could still not understand why his grandfather employed the man. He was not even a great gardener and he made almost everyone feel uncomfortable.” — This gives the impression that J is going to have some important role to play later. You’ve done a good job of keeping in your protagonist’s head, so the reader gets to know him. One suggestion: there’s no hard and fast rule, but it’s common to set apart the words a character thinks by putting them in italics. “Then maybe the other families would not look down on us.” — Clear teen angst. “Anthony looked down(,) surprised at all this. His chair looked damaged(,) almost as if it had aged years. In addition there was a thin layer of frost on the metal.” — I like this effect, it gives an impression that magic isn’t just wishful thinking. If you have worked out a system for your magic, it would be good to go into it a bit more. Not So Much: “If Anthony remembered the layout correctly …” — Why would Anthony not know the layout of the home he spent his whole life in? “If he could become a warrior and join the military then maybe he could restore prestige to the house of Interitius.” — Since you are using Roman names, it would read better if you used terminology from Roman times, like the Legion instead of the military. “Then he(,) to(o)(,) could be a great warrior and hopefully turn around their declining house.” — You bring up this motivation multiple times, but I think we need more detail about how the family has declined. “Our power is dangerous …” — I hope at some point you are going to show this rather than just having someone talk about it.

I will be happy to toss another one in the ring. I have to finish with the new guy first, though.

After reading this one over I don't have anything to critique, really. It's a well-written epilogue that does exactly what an epilogue needs to do. It doesn't exactly wrap things up. It sets the characters on a new trajectory, which is a great way to leave open the possibility of sequels, but it feels like a complete story. The one thought I had at the very end was that you had a perfect place to bring up the Paradox of Tolerance. Most kids in high school are not likely to have heard of it, but given some of the socio-political egghead stuff J talks about I would think he would be familiar. Very timely, and it would give an impression of urgency if you intend to write more about these characters, though I could just as easily see starting off the next book with it. As the blue fish says, just keep writing, just keep writing, writing, writing...

I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for getting to it so quickly. I'll look back at that chase scene. The story I submitted here before sat in my computer for a very long time. I wrote the original draft in the Winter Break of 1999-2000. At the time I had no idea there was such a thing as Story Theory. This one I wrote last summer, after a few years of reading lots of books about Story Theory, and I think it shows. If you're serious about getting your writing out there you might want to look into it. I found K.M. Weiland's triumvirate: Structuring Your Novel, Creating Character Arcs, and Writing Your Story's Theme, though there are a whole lot of books out there. And if you find yourself trapped in the Eternal Traffic Jam as I do, The Great Courses has several lecture series that are quite good, especially Molly McCowan's Effective Editing, but they also have some on genres that are great food for thought. The company licensed their audio versions to Audible, though you don't have to have a membership to buy them through Amazon. Ackerman & Puglisi's thesaurus series are fantastic tools for writers. I have all of them, and like most people started off with The Emotion Thesaurus. Reading gobs of fiction is necessary to write well, but it's rarely enough on its own.

I decided to go with a spinoff instead of going straight into the first sequel for Twilight's Rift (I'm currently drafting Book 5). It would take quite some time to revise the sequel to match the changes I've made to Book 1. I'll work on that while you folks have fun with this little spinoff. I don't have any specific questions about it at this time, but any feedback is greatly appreciated.

It's not that I'm in any great hurry. If someone was publishing Book 1 then I would be much more interested in going for Book 2. So I'll most likely start up the spinoff, which my son says is the probably my best yet, while I work on making Book 2 fit with some of the changes I've made to Book 1 (while still trying to draft Book 5). I'm so glad I'm not teaching anymore. I wouldn't have time for any of this if I were.

Here comes another Monday. I'm not sure if I want to go right into the sequel or not. To make the sequel match the changes I've made to the first book will take some time and work. OTH, I have a spinoff that wouldn't necessarily need that treatment. It takes place centuries before TR. If I start up that one, though, it will be some time before I can get back to the sequel. Choices ...

Okay, not a bad ending. A tad on the predictable side, though being turned into vampires was a real surprise. When you revise I do suggest that you add more in terms of description -- locations, clothing, faces, weather, body language and proxemics. Some people way overdo this stuff, but most people go the opposite way. It usually works best when the characters themselves notice these things. What Worked Chapter 33: “Sometimes the mature thing to do is admit that not every problem is my job to solve.” — Oh look, character growth! What every good story needs. Subtle, but not so subtle it will go over everyone’s heads. “But instead of asking, all I do is listen.” — It makes sense that under these specific circumstances we would finally hear some of G’s background from his own lips. “Hearing that Jiahao has stepped back to do the calculations and really believes it will work out between us means so much more.” — Certainly an improvement over Disney tropes. Chapter 34: “… a faceless organization that’s hard to hate in the same way that an earthquake or wildfire is.” — Great observation. “White settlers used the strategy to divide and conquer Native American tribes. The FBI used it to create infighting in black power groups that brought them down. And here we are again, dancing to the same damn song.” — I love that you brought this theme back here. “Deep breaths,” I say. “Sync up with me.” — Madly in adolescence love, yet so practical. Not So Much Chapter 33: “Bringing it out into the open so that every supernatural knows about it keeps us all safe …” — Given how many supernaturals out there are not the kindest of people, no doubt putting it out in the open will make them targets of everyone who wants it for themselves. “I even got a voicemail from my dad’s hospital that he’s awake…” — Wee bit of a coincidence? Consider having the voicemail earlier in the story. “She tells me that Jiahao is chatting alone with their mother who also got shot, which meant she got booted out here.” — Non-specificity of referent. It’s hard to tell who the last ‘she’ is referring to. “Jiahao and I have known each other for less than two weeks…” — This declaration of love is either plot armor or a really, really bad mistake, and those two will end up hating each other within the year. It would be a little less Disney if she at least admitted to having some second thoughts. Chapter 34: “A hundred years doesn’t make the memories easier. We have to give ourselves something to do so they can’t drag us back to where we were.” — Every psychologist who ever lived just groaned. Distraction can only keep you going for so long. Eventually you have to process. “He has the right to express his emotions like anyone else …” — The right sounds kind of blasé. Maybe he has the need would come across better. “… but she seems to get a pass from having seen her stepdad’s brains get blasted out of his head yesterday. Exactly like she and J planned.” — The phrasing makes it seem like what they planned was seeing brains blasted out rather than the community’s reaction to W.

Sorry it took me a while to get to this. I agree that it is strong in terms of setting the scene and making the reader interested in the character, but it has some issues that will absolutely sink it. What Worked: I’m guessing the Roman name and naming the sacked city after the capitol of the Persian Empire was intentional. That gives the impression that this story will have something more interesting going on than your typical fantasy novel, and that the author actually thought about theme. The first page makes the reader want to keep reading to find out exactly what the protagonist did and why. Very powerful ending. Not so much: The very first paragraph is more than a page long, full of run-on sentences and misplaced commas. That, by itself, would be fatal to getting published. Capitalization is a problem, too. “There he finally said the words he wished to say.” — This is a missed opportunity. No doubt the character is experiencing some major mixed feelings. If you, as the author, leave it at that and don’t do anything to dig into them you make the character distant and unappealing, no matter how noble his motives. Give the reader more of a taste of what he is thinking, and use gesture and proxemics to show what he is feeling. If you don’t have a copy of the Emotion Thesaurus I highly recommend you pick it up. I think the Kindle version is on sale for a good price right now, but I don’t know how long the sale will last. While this sets up an interesting scenario, the grammar and punctuation issues alone will stop any editor after a few paragraphs. It’s probably also about twice as long as it should be, especially given that it’s a prologue. Lot’s of people skip prologues, and lots of publishers just don’t like them. An easy fix, though, is to just label it Chapter 1 and start Chapter 2 with a line like “Twenty-seven years later …”

Thanks for the input. I went back and added an explanation for how they were found. One of the D managed to repair its communication circuits and called for help. Simple enough. It's pretty traditional in old-school sci-fi to explain how your FTL works, but I didn't find any good place to do that without it feeling like an irrelevant data dump. I'll have to go back and see if I can find a good place to do that. Last summer I wrote a spin-off that takes place centuries earlier that goes into that.

This is it, the conclusion of the first book (I'm currently drafting the fifth). Here you find out what happened when they escaped the battle, and a very nasty unintended consequence. Since this is the first in a series, I did not intend to tie up every loose end, but if you read this and have burning questions, let me know. I'll see if they are things that can be addressed in the denouement here, or if they are already covered in a later story. Thanks for reading, and I hope you've enjoyed the ride!

I'm down to the denouement. Monday the 8th?

Thanks for taking a look. I can certainly go back and make more of a point about the distances involved. There haven't been any actual space battles yet, but most likely when they do happen they will be mostly using sensors to target because the ships are so far apart they would just look like shiny dots, if even that. Star Wars and Star Trek make everything close together so they can show off their special effects and increase the drama. Likely they are giving very much the wrong impression. There are plenty of sci-fi novels that do it well. As far as straight lines go, even in space the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, unless there is a gravity well near enough to mess with it. Terrestrial planets are not likely to be big enough to make much of a difference, though stars certainly are. Straight lines aren't necessarily going to all be on the same plane in a three-dimensional setting. In this universe the word labor is used to designate the lowest social caste, who are indentured servants, which is just a euphemism for slaves, since the owner of the contract can set the value of their work to any price they want. A penny a year? Sure thing. It's ironic that the UK outlawed slavery in 1820, while "the land of the free" didn't until 1864, and then only after an extremely bloody war. Most countries in Europe outlawed slavery decades before we did, and today we still have people who want to bring it back, and claim that it was a work training program.

You should probably have warned about the suicidal ideation. SI on the page can be very triggering for some. What worked Chapter 31: “So die,” I tell her, “And let the world forget you.” — Now THAT is vindictive! No ‘I forgive you no matter what a horrible person you are, Mom.’ Talk about kicking someone when they’re down. “He can’t rely on them. So I’ll make sure he can rely on me instead.” — That’s some pretty impressive devotion, and from a character who isn’t being driven by the usual (Disney approved) hormones. The narrative about politics and health care is something that some people would get mad about, but those people can suck it. Decent human beings will be grateful that you aren’t holding back about it, but you’re also not doing a soapbox rant. Chapter 32: I’m not Aro so I’m not the best person to judge, but the thoughts going through P’s mind seem pretty convincing to me. Not So Much Chapter 31: It took Mommy a long time to die, conveniently just long enough for K to add insult to fatal injury. Maybe it would be better if either the mother held on a bit longer to show the despair in her eyes, or crumbled before K finished her last sentence. Maybe have K get mad that she wanted to say more. She was being really vindictive in this scene. “… It feels like we’re so close that we’ve already declared our love for each other.” — This phrasing doesn’t sound quite right. Maybe something like, “It feels so close we should be talking about the guest list for our wedding.” “His mental health issues didn’t disappear overnight …” — Mental health issues don’t disappear, period. Many people learn to live with them, though even then they can rear their ugly heads at any time, even many years after the last time someone had symptoms. Once you have one you’re never really free of it. I would hope that, even if they had no access to professional help, they would have done the research online or in the library. Chapter 32: The whole scene narrated by P sounds awfully romantic for someone who swears he’s aromantic. This last bit sounds so denouement it feels like the curtain should fall and the credits start rolling. It feels like anything more will be unnecessary. Since you plan to have two more chapters, you might want to find a way to end this one that hints at what business they left unfinished is important enough to keep reading about.

No one else has said anything, but I was pretty sure I attached it. I'll try sending it out again, just in case.

The climax is here. Two entries, hopefully with enough of a twist to keep you interested. My hope is that it doesn't go exactly the way people predict, and it doesn't seem too easy. If anyone has experience with fleet-level wargaming or similar simulation, I would love to hear any suggestions you might have about battle tactics. Thanks for following along this far. Next week is the denouement, which is just one entry.

Me to, please. This will be my second to last.

Thanks for the feedback. I went over the brain mod chapter and toned it down a bit, placed more emphasis on them growing a feeling of community. The dead wife reference was partly to humanize the antagonist a bit, but also to show that he wasn't 100% certain he was going to survive the encounter. Hopefully you'll see inn the next chapter that it isn't exactly no contest, but of course the heroes have to win in the end. Otherwise there wouldn't be any sequels.