Paul SB

Since I escaped from being a teacher I have been going 50/50 reading fiction and non-fiction. I didn't intend to spend the last several years learning so much about fascism, but it kind of felt like a necessity since 2016.

I keep getting word from the only person who is giving me critique that my attachments aren't coming through. It's entirely possible that I'm forgetting to attach them, so if you missed the last one and want it, let me know. This submission hits the midpoint, which is a lot more action than talk. I'm mostly looking for any suggestions about realism, anything I might have missed. Thanks a bunch, and have Loads O'Fun & Excitement!

Believe it or not, labor unions have nothing whatsoever to do with either socialism or communism, contrary to what we have always been told. It turns out that the association was first made by John D. Rockefeller, who paid hundreds of church leaders all over America to preach against the evils of unionization. It's not too hard to guess why Rockefeller thought that was a good business investment.

We're getting to the midpoint, which is going to be a whole lot of action, so the next few entries are going to be light on character and conversation. So I have to have some fun before all hell breaks loose. of course P relates everything to sex. It's her job. I'm glad you noticed the bit about dressing Too in armor. A couple others who read this before did, but some didn't. As far as the alien mercenaries go, originally there was a chapter where an agent of President M hired them, then the attack itself was split into two, as the strike commander was killed by the psion and another has to take over. Nice and bloody, and I enjoyed introducing a new species, but since none of the main protagonists were in it, I was advised to cut it. I still had to show what happened, though, and aside from them watching it on camera, the only other way I thought of would be to make it into a news broadcast. The problem is that it would have stood out as fabricated, since none of the protagonists were in the habit of watching the news.

You have spare time? My characters won't leave me alone, even the ones I killed already ... Slot for tomorrow?

Okay, here goes. I got a critique back from a sensitivity reader and for each chapter she did What Worked and What Didn't Work. I'll give that a try, though I'm not half as observant as she was. What Worked When K realized she the real power in that situation, that made her feel more competent than ever. The “true colors” line worked especially well, and the fact that she kept walking. It’s good that K has second thoughts, and even third thoughts (as Granny Weatherwax would say). Her readjustment regarding G shows a level of maturity you don’t always see in people three times her age. L continues to give the impression of a scholar with the story about the tunnels, which is good for characterization. Chapter 10 K was smart to not let on that she speaks multiple dialects of Chinese. What didn’t work You need to proofread before you shoot your draft out there. The last sentence in Ch.9 is vague. Does K mean convince them that they would be accepted in society as Asian people, or as supernatural people. The first is a whole lot less of s stretch than the last, but even the first has problems she should be thinking about, like identity papers and forged histories, especially now with all the scapegoating of immigrants going on. L completely missed the most obvious explanation for the tunnels, that they were abandoned mines, possibly from when that area was owned by Russia, which would explain why no one around really knew where they came from. A teenager flying off the handle and blowing her cover is realistic. If K hadn’t I’d be questioning your portrayal. Now she needs to whack herself on the forehead and shout, “Doh!” Chapter 10 K says that she can tell it’s A by his posture. This is very much a show-don’t-tell situation. K couldn’t tell from the engine noise that it was a motorcycle? How would K be able to tell that the knife was made of wood in the moonlight? Not by color. Running somebody down on a motorcycle is like to do as much damage to the rider as the person she hits. If N is supposed to be K’s guardian angel, why would she leave? Petrified wood is awfully heavy to make into a table. The military-industrial complex reference is a bit of a head-scratcher. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier, but it might help your non-Chinese audience members if you had some sort of guide to pronouncing names. So far we have the standard-issue vampires and werewolves. Are we going to see any mythical Chinese cryptids?

Good to see Ginger back in the game. This place has been a dyad for far too long.

We're getting close to the Midpoint here. It will really hit the fan in the next submission. In the meantime, there's a planning session, and a second attempt to steal the (not exactly) McGuffin (You'll see in a couple more chapters why it isn't actually a McGuffin). Naturally anything you can give is appreciated. In Entry 01.24 they look at computer records of an attack by alien mercenaries. Originally I wrote out that attack, but was advised to cut it. I'd like to know if anyone thinks actually showing the attack might be a better idea, even though none of our protagonists are in it. Have Loads O'Fun and Excitement!

Me too?

Part 1 This is looking like a really predictable hook-up by the end of the story (in this case, the girl gets the guy rather than the usual guy gets the girl). The vacuum cleaner is great! I hope you make a running joke of it. Trusting that he’s not a vampire, regardless of what he said, might be a little rash, though he doesn’t seem to sparkle in the sun or anything. I would think she might consider the possibility that he wasn’t telling the truth here. Chasing after the gunshots — I can see a teenager moping about this, but I can also see K replying that it was a perfectly natural reaction to want to see what was going on, and shows his concern for others. They both thought each other might be Aegis agents. Shouldn’t that at least get a chuckle out of them? If he told her his dream he never shared with anyone just to keep an enemy close, then I would hardly trust that he didn’t just make it up. Part 2 I love how K’s description of S gets right down to her own insecurities. As soon as you described how cold S was I guessed she’s a vampire. Since K is already well aware that supernatural entities are around, it’s no surprise that she picked up on S being a vampire, but I think the swirl of emotions inside her head (to say nothing of the teen hormones) would be going wild, thoughts all over the place, and none too coherent. And that should show in her body language and proxemics as well. One moment she would flinch back from S, another inch closer. Her face should be changing colors like a chameleon (something either of the other two might remark on). Maybe bring her hands up to her temples. Beyond stuff like this, I’m not sure how much more I can say without having some idea of your theme(s).

Okay, here we go again. I like how this is going so much faster than most critique groups, because we are going by a word-count cap instead of the one chapter a week snail crawl. These two entries are mostly about character building, and at the end a major change of status between the protagonist and the sidekick. I'm always looking for fluff to trim, but really anything you see that seems off or you think could have been handled better in a different way is appreciated. Happy reading!

It's a new month, and another week. Slot for 9/08/25?

Of course there is the problem that at that point he doesn't exactly know where he's going, but at least he can speculate.

I'm glad you liked the two main entries. However, the supplementary entry where M has his Truth Dream is a major driver of the plot, and starts him on a long redemption arc that doesn't complete itself until the end of the third book. The villains don't get a whole lot of screen time, but I try to do better than cardboard. Based on your comments, though, I think I could end it with M making a statement about where he intends to go from there.

Poor Old Michael Finnegan is ready to begin again. Mostly I'm looking for trim suggestions, but anything that jumps out at you will help. Also, I critiqued another participant today and asked about story theory basics. That's something I realize I haven't brought up here. I have a story beat sheet for this one, so if anyone would like to see it (though it will spoil everything) I would be okay sharing it.

Okay, this seems to be moving the story along, and piquing my curiosity — though I’m not a huge fan of supernatural tales (supernatural is kind of an oxymoron). As far as how the mom comes across, K thinks a lot about her on an emotional level, but the mom herself doesn't show a whole lot of feeling. You could probably fix this by working on her facial expressions, proxemics, and general body language. Have you checked out The Emotion Thesaurus? I'm not getting any sales commission, but it's truly a worthwhile investment. This sequence opens with a gunshot and ends with a lunch, and with very little action in between. It almost feels like the cliffhanger ending became a broken promise. I can see how you needed certain things to happen, but you could have upped the drama a little. Also, sensory detail is your friend. It’s really easy to knock out plot and dialogue and forget the little details that make a story feel real. For example, when K crosses the footbridge, does the flowing water make any sound at all? Is there a particular scent to the air? This is a rural area, so there would probably be frogs croaking at that hour. Even in the suburbs the frogs can get so loud you have to shout over them sometimes. How does the silvery moonlight transform the face of K’s mother? It might be time for a few of the really basic Story Theory questions. Since we are beta reading this, not reading for pleasure (or perhaps both) then we shouldn’t be concerned with spoilers. But knowing some of the basics could help those of us who are providing feedback to know what to look for. Are you using a beat sheet or software to plot this out? What is the premise of this story? Is K the sole protagonist, or is she sharing that role with L? What kind of character arc(s) do you plan for her/them? What is the lie that K (and maybe L) has to replace with what truth? What past event haunts your protagonist(s)? And the biggie: what is the theme?

Another week has passed ... another one for 08/01?

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you. I've been working splits all week, and it wreaks havoc on my circadian rhythm. I figured you would like the strangulation entry, so I added it back, though I had to renumber all the chapters after that one. I'm especially glad that you noticed ME. That's what they're talking about when they say "show, don't tell" -- but a lot of people never see those kinds of things. The abbreviation JR feels weird to me, but I'm guessing you aren't old enough to recognize "Who shot JR?" As far as B finding the ship goes, it isn't really relevant to the story, just a random happenstance that he took advantage of. I trimmed a little bit of the philosophical stuff, but probably not enough. Thanks for taking a look, even though you're a week behind (and it's Sunday already). Did you get last week's submission?

Attempt #10! Mostly I'm interested in suggestions to trim these without losing important content, to include an overdue apology, a reminder of the mute character, hiring help, and nearly getting caught by resellers.

I'm almost afraid to ask ... Monday, 8/25/25? It looks like some others are joining us, though.

One thing I really liked about Chapter 4 is how both characters revealed a bit of character flaw, and that both are aware of them. It's definitely not typical for their age group, but there are always some kids who are ahead of the game in terms of their ability to introspect. Hell, there are a whole lot of people who go to their graves never going there. It's also kind of fun how all the characters suspect each other of being part of this secret organization. It would be really funny if it turned out Aegis was defunded over a decade ago, and all their worry is for nothing. I wouldn't say that the premise that seems to be coming together isn't exactly new, so I'm hoping you'll have some interesting twists in there. There are a few basics in here that you could juice a little bit more, like sensory details and doing a little more to build a vibe for each setting. For example, we know that the stove is old and can assume it's dilapidated, but what about the rest of the kitchen? Is it dark, cramped, does it smell like rusted metal, have active spider webs in the corners? A similar issue is showing more with expression, body language, and proxemics. Have you ever heard of The Emotion Thesaurus by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi? It - and some other books in the series - is a fantastic resource for anyone who writes about humans. It breaks down just about every feeling a human can have and how that manifests not only in body language but in motivation and in terms of where it is likely to go if it goes unresolved for too long. I can't recommend it highly enough. I enjoyed the little discussion about MLK & the Black Panthers. Both of these characters are thinkers. This chapter doesn't seem to do much in terms of plot, until the cliffhanger ending, but serves an important function in terms of bringing these characters to life. Since I don't know what is going to happen next, I can't get too specific on a recommendation, but ending the chapter with a gunshot feels a little pulp, if you know what I mean. If you want to stick with it, maybe if you added a sentence or two after the gunshot itself, get into Kay's head a little, and maybe describe the first thing she sees when her head whips to the direction the shot came from, it would feel a little less like standard-issue pulp writer's trick.

Next. I'm starting this one out with an entry my dev ed didn't like, but everyone else who's read it did. If people approve of it, I'll add it back in, though my word count is already too high for an unpublished author. The second entry is where our heroes meet up with a possible benefactor whose name they got from the diary of their ship's former captain. I hope the guy doesn't come across as too cliché, and I'm looking for suggestions to trim it. Enjoy!

The folks coming back from WorldCon should be good in a couple days. The one who had the baby might not be ready for another 20 years. My oldest is 28 and still lives with me.

When are you going to be good to go?

Me too! (for 8/18/2025)