Paul SB

Okay, here's my next couple chapters. The first part is quiet but character building, while the second isn't exactly a shoot-a-rama, but certainly more action packed. It's also a whole lot more world building, and a whole lot longer. Is it too long, though? Or are there things you think should be added? Does it feel like the setting is a believable, thought-out universe? TMI, TLI? For the first part, is it over the top? Is there anything that is inconsistent with what you might know about slavery practices, apart from being set in the distant future? Thanks for looking, and I hope you enjoy.

"... a perfect capstone to the metaphor for capitalism with the sunglasses and such..." This just made me think of an old Peter Gabriel song called "Big Time" which starts with a voice saying "Hi there!" Hi there is almost a dead giveaway that you're talking to a sleazy person trying to sell you something. Maybe you can add that in with the sunglasses?

Tomorrow's another Monday. So far only one person has bitten at my last submission, but I'd still like to drop another one in, if that's okay.

Okay, I just read Ch. 34, and I honestly don't have a whole lot of feedback to give you. Partly it's that I don't have a clue what's going on, but also I was having too much fun snickering at the jokes. The chapter went way off the semi-serious track. If you've done this before, maybe a couple times, it would work. Otherwise it seems a little off. Chapter 34 Floating City? Are you a Miyazaki fan, too? Or do you go back to Jonathon Swift? Turned a pine tree into frogs? And now it’s a Christmas tree. Fun stuff! Only one X for Muncho Flux? I’m not sure where the image of the newscaster is being displayed. Is it in a magic mirror, or a window, or in the air overhead? “If you find one of our tickets …” says Willy Wonka. Sunglasses? Are we going Wizard of Oz, too? Okay, the images are in the crystal. My brain … “ … like a kid’s finger in the proverbial crack in the dam.” Wasn’t it a crack in a dike? A little Dutch boy? “ … turn them into a newt …” But would they get better? I think you missed an opportunity to make some very funny dialogue with the contract demon, á la Terry Pratchett. Boned on the Throne seems a touch tasteless, don’t you think?

Thanks for taking a look. I just got back from work and I'll probably turn back into a pumpkin soon, so I'll get back to yours tomorrow. The point of capitalizing Human is a matter of equality. We capitalize Klingons, and Vogons, and Vorlons. Why are humans special? Not capitalizing the species makes it seem like they are the default sentients. The poem is real, written in the 12th Century by a famous mathematician and astronomer. If you're interested, there's a pretty good movie about him that was made a few years back called "The Keeper." Okay on the tag. As long as there is religion, there will always be hate. Thousands of years of history make that quite clear. Other adjustments made. Thanks again.

I think, given the circumstances, Amara should show a little more regret that she asked that question in the first place. It's easy to burst out something you regret saying later. A decent person admits they were wrong, an egotist won't. She should probably want to see the orphan, and see that the kid is safe and has a future. That's concern she should be expressing, I think, to return some sense of decency.

I was in surgery all day yesterday, so I've only had time to read over Ch.33. I'll get to the next chapter soon, I hope (though Space Wizard just released "Lesbians in Space" which one of my old writing buddied has a story in, so I'm going to have to convince Autistic Son #2 to leave me alone long enough to read it). A Song for Silence, submission 25 by Spencer Wilkinson Chapter 33 “ …(definitely not hoped. What are you saying?)” - This is called an Author Intrusion, and is usually advised to not do. However, some of the funniest books out there use author intrusions all the time to great effect. If this book is intended to be comedy, keep it. If not, a lot of editors will tell you to dump it. “… weirdly revealing and impractical looking outfits.” Hilarious, though I hope you’ll elaborate on the kind of people who wear those outfits. BTW: impractical-looking (it’s a compound adjective) “Same to you,” does not sound like a friendly or even polite response here. Glad to be back? Glad to see you, too? “… you will not find umbrage …” - now this is a vocabulary choice that fits with the genre. “I bet the Chorus could get it glowing again with their magic…” Last 3 words are redundant. “ … me and my big mouth” - … me and my big mouth,” “Celedrand’s lights were powered by a suffering orphan.” - Ursula LeGuin fan? “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas” “ er, “no sounds time” - another author intrusion “We agreed to a truce, remember?” - Wow, Amara just lost a couple tons of empathetic character points! “Magic is arguably based on aesthetics.” - Partially. Magic is wishful thinking, and most human thought is analogical. That is, we tend to think that if something looks like something, it must be like it in other ways. Logic begins where analogical stops. Logic checks to see if those similarities are real and not just aesthetic illusions. “Silence, Jean, stop flirting …” - At this point I don’t remember what sort of body Silence is wearing. This might be a good spot to remind the reader by having Amara reflect on their aesthetics for a second.

My first submission! This is a sci-fi story (most call it space opera, but that implies there's no actual science in it, an accusation I resent as a scientist). I wasn't sure what to put down for trigger warnings here. Lots of evil is implied and threatened, but even most of the swearing is in German. The story has been through several drafts, but I have a publisher who has shown an interest but wants more feedback before I submit it. It's also the first in a trilogy. I've drafted the first four books and am planning the fifth. Anyway, Bon Apetît!

Thanks for taking the time. I generally dislike anything with superheroes, I really enjoyed Radiant, and How to Steal a Planet was very memorable and clever. Farther Reefs had so many pirate stories the name isn't ringing a bell, and I've listened to that book twice (my brain!). I thought Into the Churn was one of the most creative stories in that book, but I can't remember the one from Fiery Deeps at all (my brain, once again). I wanted to submit a story for their Lesbians in Space anthology, but I finished it about 3 days after the deadline. Bummer. Since I didn't think I was going to finish it on time, I sent them an older one that wasn't as good, and of course they didn't take it.

Okay, got it. I'll try to get it out in the morning before my surgery. Once it's posted, I could be unconscious for days and anyone would still be able to read it. On a completely different subject, I have all four of the elemental anthologies as audiobooks, and I loved them. Unfortunately, I also have a very messed up memory due to a malfunctioning pineal gland, and as audiobooks there's no TOC for me to consult. If you have a moment, could you remind me which stories you wrote? I remember thinking that yours was one of the names I wanted to look into because I liked your stories, but I'm in the dark as to why.

Okay. Do I need to submit on that day, exactly? Should I do that in the morning? I could toss my first couple chapters in the ring any time I'm conscious and not working.

I'm not sure if this is right, since the link opened up to submission #30. Since I'm not familiar with this story this far along, I did what I could. Mostly nit-piking diction that sounds way too modern for a fantasy setting. A Song For Silence by Spencer Wilkinson Chapter 30: Reckoning “She couldn’t see the skeleton or the dragon anywhere in sight, though.” “Though” contradicts the first sentence, and if she couldn’t see, then saying they weren’t anywhere in sight is redundant. “She couldn’t see the skeleton or the dragon anywhere.” or “The skeleton and the dragon were nowhere in sight.” The dragon’s erasing breath didn’t cauterize the wound? Also, if you give the reader a better idea of how big the chunk is, it would give them a better idea of how much blood would have left leaked out, and how close she would be to death. “She fell unconscious.” Kind of a bland statement. How about: “Her head felt light, her vision dimmed around the edges. She shivered as consciousness fled from her.” “There was a window in the direction of her feet …” Or how about: “Soft sunlight and a slight breeze greeted her from a window she saw framed between her feet.” “It was siting on the ground …” you mean the floor? This seems to be an indoor scene. “… out like a pixie with a pint …” That’s a funny image! How about, “… out like a pixie after a pint …”? “Literally everything is in your mind …” While this discussion is exactly what a whole lot of people need, the idea that anything in your mind is something “strong” people can control is so pervasive that most people today are clueless, many decades behind the science. That makes the statement seem out of place in this genre, but if you want it there, I would go ahead and keep it. Maybe people who read it will broaden their understanding of human nature a little. “What it said …” This is such a modern, 20th Century expression it feels out of place in a fantasy novel. Ditto “Agree to disagree.” Sunglasses? Am I missing something important about the setting? “… rids them of their agency.” Once again, this is a very modern expression. The next sentence gets the message across, and sounds better, so you don’t need this one. “It sighed. Then put its head in its hands.” It sighed, then put its head in its hands. “… all consuming …” all-consuming “… transmogrify him into a pile of pixie powder and snort him …” Hysterical! But snort still sounds too modern. Maybe, “… imbibe him through the nostrils as if the finest snuff …” “Anywho …”? “Nobody was touching the food …” I have read a number of books that advised to avoid using this verb form. ‘Was’ is at the top of some authors’ kill lists. “Nobody touched the food …” “… from which she took frequent (read: really frequent) swigs.” Really anachronistic. Try, “… from which she imbibed most frequently.” “… strewn around the bottom of the throne.” bottom of the is redundant. “… strewn around the throne.” “Fun fact…” Are you doing this on purpose? “Well, that was her, an unforgivable monster.” Very good ending!

It looks like you have enough for 6/23, but if you don't, I'd be happy to jump in. I'm having surgery that day, so I'll have the evening off from work.

I'm new here, so I haven't read your book. Most of my critique is typos, minor grammar errors and the like, not much for making deep connections. That way I won’t have to worry about you feeling sexist when you get away.” (… when you break up?) “What happened,” I say, “To being okay if I wanted to go back?” (To should not be capitalized) The two are meeting next week at an Irish pub downton (downtown) She furrows her brow and opens her mouth to try and force (try to force) Still, I don’t know why he even wants to be at the meeting. I ask him as much, and in response he ignores me too for the rest of the night. On the evening before the scheduled meetup, our parents discuss the matter over dinner between the three of us while Hugo eats in his room. “If we keep letting him get away with this,” my mom says, “We’ll never see the end of it.” (Still, I don’t know why he even wants to be at the meeting. I ask him as much, and in response he ignores me too for the rest of the night. On the evening before the scheduled meetup, our parents discuss the matter over dinner between the three of us while Hugo eats in his room. “If we keep letting him get away with this,” my mom says, “We’ll never see the end of it.”) “So instead of getting better at explaining himself so I can actually follow his reasoning, he throws a fit.” (He is a teenager - I’m surprised no one points this out) He sees her for who she is, so much that I even had to defend her when he called her a fascist dictator.” (Be careful about using this word. It has become so cliché that these days few people even know what it really is, and when a word gets overused like that, it loses its meaning. I haven’t read the story this is a prequel to, but in this context I’m a little bit doubtful that the evil grandmother is a staunch anti-Marxist. Just dictator should work fine, or maybe something more sensory, like iron-fisted dictator.) She takes the care to the fourth level of a parking garage (car) After walking a few blocks, we finally arrive at the restaurant, marked a sign with a four-leaf clover (marked by a sign) sitting at a small four-person table (small is redundant) I should tell her that I’m But before I can even open my mouth (I should tell her that, but before I can even open my mouth …) Fey use the truth to deceive and divide, while humans use lies to unify and ensure good faith cooperation. (This is a good, thought-provoking line.) It’s easy to see how the internet stories about abandoned fiancées and wives come to pass when boys are coddled and don’t have to learn from their mistakes. (Also a good, thought-provoking line.)

Glad you like.

Since this is my first time reading your work, there was a lot I was clueless about. Most of my comments have to do with phrasing, as you will see on the GooGooDocs nest time you look. I hope you find this useful.

Okay, I just finished going over Chapters 6-8. Any idea when your next submission will come up? Chapter 6 “A feeling of despair began to creep up her legs, and she had to halt it there.” Up her legs? Strong emotions can affect people in many ways, but I’m not sure what this would feel like in the legs. I checked The Emotion Thesaurus (a fantastic tool if you don’t have it) and these are the symptoms related to legs (p.88-89): Stumbling — one’s feet dragging and catching with each step Knees that weaken and then catch (while standing) Lacking the strength to support oneself (falling into a seat or against a table or wall) Limbs that tingle with fatigue These might give you some ideas of how to phrase this with greater nuance. “she might find clues they missed …” - Typo: She NB: It’s a common convention to put characters’ thoughts in italics. Not a hard and fast rule, but a common convention that people often find helpful. “… she grew up receiving training from the very same Veiled instructors that would have taught her father’s killer.” If this is the case, likely the assassin would know. Also, it’s very possible that the Veiled would not teach anyone else their most effective tricks and techniques. “All she found was a footprint a little bigger than her own. If it was his, it was unique, but unhelpful.” If these people regularly travel between galaxies, I would assume that their genetic technology would be at least as good as ours. A thorough scouring of that footprint and several feet around could easily turn up some of the hundreds of dead skin cells that human bodies cast off constantly, and that would get them DNA. “With a running start, she jumped, grabbed the top, and swung her legs over in a smooth motion.” What was she wearing? “Even through that grip …” Nix the r (though, not through). “Instinct kicked in.” Surely these people know all about adrenaline, cortisol, norepinephrine… Chapter 7 “…the polished shelves of books on leadership…” Books? Like in dead tree pulp? Isn’t this a far-future story? “He exhaled sharply. “Cressida’s gone missing, Mom.” The words felt thick in the air, as if saying them out loud made them more real. He almost expected her to answer, to tell him what to do. But the silence pressed in instead, suffocating and endless.” Okay, now he’s starting to seem human. “The picture seemed to frown.” You haven’t done anything at all to describe this face. It might be kind of funny, though, if their technology made it possible for the face in the picture to change expressions depending on the mood of the person addressing it. or perhaps the picture is attached to an AI that can simulate her personality, though that might be kind of cruel to the AI. “Sorry, mom …” Mom I would have to say that this is the most touching chapter so far. Good way to reveal the jumbled thoughts in his mind. Chapter 8 “Like waking with a hangover, groggy senses stumbled through her head.” This is an unclear sentence. It’s easy to see what you were trying to say, but it comes across really awkward. maybe something like: “Her head buzzed with sensations so groggy and unclear it felt like trying to walk along the top of a narrow stone wall with a hangover.” “Nothing was making sense to her.” Of course nothing made sense to her. It would be more useful to include her thoughts as she tried to make sense of it. “… told her that she could not feel anything below her neck. Pressure on her right cheek told her she was on her side…” told her … told her - maybe replace the second told her with “…let her know that …” “feint” = faint … again “Her angle allowed her to see that her hands were tied behind her.” What possible angle would allow her to see that without snapping her neck? Far more likely she would have felt it, unless her sense of touch is being suppressed. If so, then seeing her shoulder but not her arm might clue her in. “She looked up from herself and chanced opening her eyes fully to get a better view of the surroundings.” But you don’t say anything at all about the surroundings. Earlier you mentioned a smell of damp earth, suggesting they were outside, but that’s all. “…her gut reeled at how truly helpless she was right now.” Tense inconsistency: “…her gut reeled at how truly helpless she was just then.” “… from the drugs hold.” drug’s “That is all she had to do.” Tense again “That was all she had to do.” “True… Alight!” Is this supposed to be “alright”? “Keeping the princess in the middle with as many large trees to the sides of them to protect their flanks.” Incomplete sentence, missing a predicate. “… both guards eyes…” guards’ eyes “Just as the question of ‘did it leave?’ started to form in their eyes. There was a low hiss of something flying through the air, followed by a dull clunk against a nearby tree.” Another incomplete sentence. Combine the two to fix it. “Cressida felt just as baffled, certain that they had moved to the correct location.” If she was drugged, how would she have been able to see them? “… she managed to roll onto her side…” Wasn’t she already on her side? “Quickly disarming the dying man to prevent him from being a threat to his executioner. He then calmly gained cover while a few rounds pelted the trees near him.” Another incomplete sentence. “Firing several rounds wildly hoping to stop this charging predator.” Another one. “He fired …” “It was the Veil!” That was really easy to guess. Maybe if she was a little more confused, and thought there was more than one rescuer it might seem a little less obvious.

Okay, thanks for the run-down. I'm happy to try new things, of course, though these days I get little time to actually sit down and read. I have two kids with ASD. They eat up a lot of time. I do, however, spend a lot of time trapped on the highways, so most of my "reading" in the last few years has actually been listening.

I'm sure this must feel a little late, and I hope I'm not wasting your time and mine. A former member suggested I try this forum out back in March, but I was too distracted to really participate. I got your chapters up to 8, and have read through #5. So far, so good in terms of your story. I'll paste my notes here. Chapter 2 His weak smile cut through her words. “Angel, you know it’s too late for that.” “No,” she gasped. “No, it’s not.” Really overused trope here. It might be more interesting if he said something irreverent or funny, like, “The only thing that’s going to help now is changing my under-trousers” or “By the time you’re ready to join me on the other side, I’ll have found a good job, bought us a nice house, everything will be ready to go.” She remained limp beside her father’s lifeless form while the room swam with chaotic commotion. If she was there long enough for rigor mortis to set it, that would make for a symbolic contrast, clinging to his cold, stiff hand. Is Marc intended to be a sociopath? That’s exactly how his scene reads. His father was just murdered and all he’s thinking about is politics. If it was not your intention for Marc to be a sociopath, then there needs to be some suggestion that he’s suppressing his grief. Chapter 3 “A feint tone and soft mechanical hum …” Just a typo - a feint is a fencing move, faint is an adjective Cressida relaxed a little and opened her eyes to the view of her motherly caretaker, This would be a good place to add some physical description. “Her muscles were complaining from the little sleep. But her mind was demanding action.” Weak, passive verbs. Try, “Her muscles complained bitterly about the lack of sleep, but her mind demanded action.” It wasn’t till a hot shower blasted its heat over her face and the steam pressed around her … No high-tech, water-saving version, like Star Trek’s sonic showers, or is the archaic custom of a water shower a symbolic privilege of royalty in this universe? Chapter 4 Ominous. This guy is clearly up to something more than just retaining the throne for himself. Q: If more problems need to be solved, wouldn’t there be a list? If writing an actual list would give away too much to the reader, you might say something like, “Marc’s eyes canned the list of items to be dealt with and swallowed, taken back by the enormity of the task.” Chapter 5 Nice cliffhanger ending … Jeanie tapped the sighed of her jaw. Just a typo - side “maybe I can stop some of these racing thoughts.” Racing thoughts is a specific psychological term associated with mood disorders, which future people would be much more likely to know about than today. A little explanation here might help the reader understand. We could really use a little physical description of Jeanie. Created with Sketch. (What’s this?) “several minutes later, a light click …” Just a typo - /S/ should be capitalized ““Please, no!” The tremble in her voice pleaded hopefully as the figure raised the weapon one final time.” Kind of pathetic for the kingdom’s top security officer.

No, I'm afraid I haven't, but if you put cardamon in your coffee it tastes like drinking a pine tree. I'm particularly fond of conifers - probably a result of growing up in Colorado. None of the above, to be perfectly frank. I was an avid reader from about 3rd Grade until the economy drove me out of my dream job and I became a high school science teacher. Once you become a teacher you can just about forget your life. A health condition blew me out of teaching, so I've been in a renaissance of reading ever since. I alternate between fiction and non-fiction, though. I've always found the science to be a great source of inspiration for creative writing. To be perfectly frank, I don't even know who Brandon is. A former member of this forum (J.S. Fields) recommended it to me.

Hello, I signed up for this a couple months ago, but found myself too busy for a while to pay much attention. Now I'm trying to jump in. I'm mostly a sci-fi fan, and people usually call what I write space opera, which tells me that they're missing the actual science I have in there (mostly anthropology and biology). I do read other genres, but not as frequently, so my critiques would likely be less insightful.

Okay, thanks a bunch! Hopefully he'll get something out of it.

I have been getting email from you guys for a few weeks, but I got too busy to do anything with them. At some point I downloaded someone's first chapter and moved it into a format I could use (since I don't have Microsoft), and left it open on my desktop for days. I found myself with some time, so I went through it and added comments. I want to put it up here, but I forgot whose chapter it was. So I'll attach it here. Please take a look and see if it yours (and whoever's it is, I hope my comments are useful).