Paul SB

That's the art in the science of writing, I guess.

I was looking at where you wrote about lifestyle and I thought it might be interesting if you put that word in italics. Maybe do the same with a few other words that show important changes in the story, then italicize the last line. Or maybe underline instead, since you use italics for emphasis in a few places. Also, try putting a blank line before the last sentence. It will act a little like a held breath and make that conclusion feel more conclusive. I hope this helps.

I glanced over it again, and it was kind of hard to find specific lines to snip. One bit that stood out a little was where you were angry at LINEN then angry again. I get that the wording gave it two somewhat different meanings, but it might be a start. You might try taking a word count of each bolded section to identify which ones are especially long and focus on tightening those passages. I'm barely awake right now, and my son won't stop talking, so I should stop now and come back later.

Writing in second person is pretty unusual and quite tricky to pull off. I thought you did this very well. You definitely got your message across. Your humor is pretty mild but palpable. I don’t get the impression that this was intended to be comedy, but there is certainly a level of absurdity in the situation that tickles. It is a touch long, though. In places it’s a bit repetitive. I think you could probably cut maybe two-hundred words out and that would improve it a little. When I started reading the first thing that came to my mind was a non-fiction book I read a few years back called, “The Indignities of Being a Woman.” While I don’t think you need any more inspiration for this story, you might feel a kindred spirit with the authors. My only real issue with this is that as a second person narrative it’s best to be a bit more vague about who that second person is, since any reader is put in the place of being that person. You’ve made it clear enough that the second person is female. If that was your intention, that’s okay. The subject matter seems more relevant to female hominids than male hominids, in Western cultures, at least. You wouldn’t have to do much to make the sex of the second person more ambiguous, which would make it easier for many male readers to relate. Male-pattern alexithymia can be a huge barrier for many. But once again, if it was your intention to make it clearly a female experience, then it works fine. I’m pretty happy with the story as-is (except for a couple typos). Fun stuff!

Time for lucky 13. You're not triskaidekaphobic, I hope. Entry 22 has A meeting with the corporate sponsor who dredge dup her customer base to talk about her expansion plans, but on the way out she sees R smooching with someone else.In Entry 23 her cheating gf shows up at the club for a very loud and public breakup. In trying to find a balance between Dickens and Hemingway, it's always a matter of how much to tell and how much to just hint at so the reader can feel clever when they figure stuff out instead of feeling like you are holding their hand or lecturing them.

I hope to see it soon, though it's always a stretch for me to read anything that isn't an audiobook I can listen to in the car. The weirder the better. I read Kirinyaga ages ago. It's a collection of a short story about an asteroid colony made up entirely of people who are trying to recreate their mythical past golden age, and of course it doesn't exactly work out as planned. It has this bizarre ending where the old wise man climbs to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro with a reconstructed Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Another week has come and gone. Are we good for sub 13? I hope we will see some more up here. PS -- I started listening to The World of Juno, though I haven't gotten too far. It's an interesting premise, and it reminds me a bit of African folklore, or maybe Mike Resnik's Kirinyaga.

Okay. No offense intended, but I would have been happier if it was someone else, just because there are so few people who get involved here. Thanks, though.

Someone is liking my posts again and I have no idea who. Glad somebody likes my babble, though.

Makes sense. Most people underestimate the power of soap and water to neutralize bacterial infection. They want to hear the word "kill" and are clueless that they are causing the little buggers to evolve immunity. Then there's the stomach acid. My son is big into mycology, though his focus is on bioremediation -- using fungi to eat up contamination in soils and water. Biology is pretty amazing stuff, and it can be great inspiration for writing science fiction, too. I get more ideas for stories from the science I read than from anyone else's fiction.

Cool beans, dude! Any good gut bacteria in the genus Malus?

And the Martian drama continues. In Entry 20 A returns from a night on the town with R to find that the engineer from the EU is there with the first batch of escapees. Unfortunately that means R now knows what the club is a front for. Entry 21 is mostly about dealing with the refugees, including a scene of a 10-year old visiting A in the middle of the night after a bad dream. It's something of a "save the cat" scene that should a little more of what A is made of, and I hope no one thinks it belongs on the cutting floor.

No fun. What field are you in?

Bummer, dude! I've been looking forward to it for quite some time. This place is a tango when it should be a conga line.

Once more into the breach ... did I use this one already?

Looking forward to it. I've liked all the stories I've read of yours so far. Hopefully the discord people will migrate back here.

Hello and thanks for taking an interest. In this submission it's opening day for the Aspen Grove Thirdspace, which now has a slew of employees. A has to explain that because of how isolated they are she's stashed guns in places they can access if necessary. The bigger drama, though, happens when the girlfriend she ran away for in the first place shows up. I hope you enjoy the angst.

I've never tried Discord -- it sounds discordant to me. Glad you finally finished the draft. Are you going to post it? I've had a bad flu, so I'm a little off. I'm going with the assumption that since I'm the only one posting here it would be okay to today.

Thanks again for the input. I've made a few changes to address your suggestions. It usually doesn't take too much, but it's always good to have somebody else to catch things we as authors miss.

Sorry I'm a little late here. My internet was down for the last few days, but I got a hotspot today to tie us over until the new router comes. So here's the latest. It's a touch over 5000 words, but since the last one was only 3000 I thought it wouldn't be too outrageous. In Entry 16 A meets with a corporate insider who doesn't know about the plan to turn the homestead into a safe house for runaways, but is very interested in the night club being built as a front. This guy shows up several times later and my one concern about the character is that he might come off as a stereotype. So if anyone thinks something should be changed, let me know. In Entry 17 the engineer from a could chapters back shows up at the homestead to let A know that the maglev track nearby is working and she found a secret tunnel running from the lab to the maglev. A group of EU scientists have arrived and are trying to figure out what the secret lab was being used for. In a way this is off the main plot line, but it's important for thematic purposes, and the lab and tunnel end up being key to the climax. Have Loads O'Fun and Excitement!

Normal is boring. Bizarre is good. Well, sometimes it's good. Good to know. Most of the time I've been here only one person has been critiquing me, and I was really hoping for more feedback. Different people see different things.

Good to know. The more the merrier. I was a teacher for many years and had no time to read, so now I want to absorb as much as I can get. What I’ve read of yours has been fun, so just keep writing, just keep writing, writing writing …

Hi everybody! I hope we're all enjoying the trip to Mars. In this chapter our hero sets out to see the abandoned homestead that she intends to turn into a nightclub, which is a front for a safe house. I am not sure if I did a good job of building tension in this chapter, though it's already a bit long. There turns out to be something unexpected lurking in there, so it needs some good, dark details to set the scene.

Am I the only one left posting here? 2/09/26 is another Monday, and it's kind of lonely in here.

Okay. If you send it, do you want me to send critique a chapter at a time, or all at once? Personally I prefer the chapter by chapter method. There is certainly something to be said for reading the entire manuscript before making any critique, so that you know where the story is going and can take the end goals into account. However, my messed up pineal gland means I have a really bad shirt-term memory problem, so I have a hard time getting through a novel and remembering anything about it by the time I get to the end, so going a chapter at a time works better for me.