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Faerie Braids
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Status Replies posted by Faerie Braids
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guys?
i...
i just killed my cat
iit was an accident
she got in the way of the door
we only had her for a week
ddied in my arms
can't breathe
feel nnumb
she looks like she's asleep
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Hello! After a very hectic month, I have made like a Type 1 BioChromatic Entity and Returned! As a bit of a life update, the first of these past four weeks was spent in Theatre Tech Hell, the second was spent in Show Week Euphoria, the third was spent in Post-Show Melancholy, and the fourth was spent in New Semester Chaos, but now I am back,
irreparably damaged yet inexplicably alivemostly back to *normal*. Also, thank you so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday while I was gone; I did not expect so many people to notice, and it really warms my heart. I'll note that it was not my legal birthday, but rather the day I came out as transgender, which I consider to be just as much a day of birth, in its own way. Since this was my first anniversary of coming out, a pretty significant milestone in my own life, I just thought I'd share that detail. Otherwise, that is all, and I will now go skim through the 275 notifications I seem to have accumulated... -
Hello! After a very hectic month, I have made like a Type 1 BioChromatic Entity and Returned! As a bit of a life update, the first of these past four weeks was spent in Theatre Tech Hell, the second was spent in Show Week Euphoria, the third was spent in Post-Show Melancholy, and the fourth was spent in New Semester Chaos, but now I am back,
irreparably damaged yet inexplicably alivemostly back to *normal*. Also, thank you so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday while I was gone; I did not expect so many people to notice, and it really warms my heart. I'll note that it was not my legal birthday, but rather the day I came out as transgender, which I consider to be just as much a day of birth, in its own way. Since this was my first anniversary of coming out, a pretty significant milestone in my own life, I just thought I'd share that detail. Otherwise, that is all, and I will now go skim through the 275 notifications I seem to have accumulated... -
Happy birthday! May it bring you laughter and the best sort of tears, if any
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Hey.
Hey you.
Yes, you.
I don't really know you.
But all the people I know are wishing you a happy birthday.
So happy birthday!
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Happppyyyy Biiiiiirrrthhhhdaaaaayyy Tooooooooooo Youuuuuuuu
Hope it's a great one!
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Ok ok so last night
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
To those of you who don’t know, my story was chosen to be featured in this years teen anthology (through teen author boot camp and owl hollow press). So last night I got to go to a release party and gala for that. I met all the other authors, which was super cool.
BUT the person who wrote the foreword for it is none other than Christopher Paolini.
So I got to meet him.
And he signed the book.
And then we had a very long conversation about books and beautiful prose and he gives Dune 10/10 and then gave me book recommendations
And anyway
AAAAAAHHHHHHHH that was so cool
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Happy birthday!!
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You need to hear this.
Whoever the storms you are, regardless of your race, gender, pronouns, religion, political standing, or any of the other ways we choose to divide ourselves. You, yes, you need to hear this.
Life is hard. Living hurts. I'm hurting too. We all are, in our own ways... I'm getting stronger. Read that again. Say it out loud. I'm getting stronger. It hurts now, it's hell now, I don't want to go on... But I'm standing here, choosing to go on. I am strong enough. I'm good enough. I can feel my feelings. I can let the tears fall. I can not be okay.
It will be okay, eventually... It might not be today, true... It might not be tomorrow, next week, a month from now... It might take years. I'm sorry for the wait. I'm sorry that healing hurts. I'm sorry that it's like this... You don't deserve this pain. It's not your fault.... I want to hug you, to hold you and tell you it's going to be okay. I need you to trust me on this. It will get better. Just keep breathing.
I have panic attacks, where it feels like my lungs are single-handedly trying to kill me. Like I'm being constricted. I can't breathe, so I panic more. My mind races. I can't think straight. I had a fairly intense one the other day. I thought I was dying I couldn't see the other side of the attack... My closest friend laid beside me, as the tears were almost coming, as my chest was heaving. She just held my hand. When I was at my weakest, when I thought I was a goner. She held me tightly. She told me to breathe. She didn't try to convince me of anything. All she said was "Please, breathe for me. It's okay... it's going to be okay... it's going to get better..." Over and over, her voice and her touch the only thing I could focus on. She just held me, told me over and over, softly in my ear, "I love you, It's okay... it won't last forever... just breathe..." She breathed with me, showing me how. Her grip on my hand never faltered, not for a second.
Where am I going with this? Well, I know that not all of you have someone like that. I'm sure a lot of you could use someone like that. When that happens. Breathe for me? If no one else would care if you stopped, I care. Breathe for me. PM me, ask for my email, breathe for me. If you stop, you'll never get to see everything get better. You'll never get to find that thing you're searching for, you'll never get to see the life that was designed for you by a loving hand. You have dreams, I know you do. You really want to leave those behind? Just... give up on those plans you made? I don't think you do...
Guys, life is scary sometimes. This coming from the girl who just spent the night in the emergency room because of another suicide attempt. I was scared. I am scared. But, I'm also taking steps toward healing. Yes, they are hard! Yes, they hurt! But, that is healing. That is falling and getting back up. That is stumbling along your path in life. Please, I cannot stress to you enough how important it is for you to talk to someone- anyone- about what you are feeling. I'm here, if you have no one else. I'll be your friend. I'll hold you, as best as I can.
Broken. What a hopeless word. I know some of you- who I won't mention- think you are to broken to find help. This is a lie. This isn't true. I don't know what your situation is, but you aren't hopeless. Say that out loud. I'm not hopeless. I'm not beyond help. See? It's true. I am here. I can be a lil chaotic at times- you guys know this. But I'm here, all the same. Let me- or someone else- hold you. You don't have to carry it alone anymore. This is not your burden. It's NOT. Okay? I want you to believe that.
If you aren't religious, aren't a Christian like I am, then you may ignore this part.
Guys, Jesus... he died so that he could carry all this for you. All this died on the cross, only it didn't rise again. You don't struggle alone. Please, the strongest lie you can tell yourself is that you're alone.
Say that for me. I am not alone. People care about you. I care about you. Please, just take that next breath. Take that next step and tell someone. Tell me, talk to someone you trust, write it down, process the feelings, but don't plan anything. Think, but don't dwell. I love you, whoever you are. I'm right here. I'm hanging on. It will be worth it, when I turn around and look at the journey. I'm getting stronger. Like a friend said to me.
"God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called."
You are getting stronger. I believe you can do this. I love you. I care. I'm here. Take a breath.
~Stick 2-20-24
SpoilerWell, that happened... uhhh... happy longest SU ever to me?
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Thank you. So many people need to hear that, myself included. And, to echo this, for everyone out there who is hurting: I know there are some moments, days, weeks, even months when the pain feels infinite, when the pain feels eternal. I don't know how or when, but it will get better. You will be warm again. And you are not alone.
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Bad bot!
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One of the most beautiful songs I've heard in a LONG time!!
Hazel Eyes, by Sabrina Jordan
ITS SO GOOD!
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My poetry with @Part Of The Narrative (she told me I have to mention her in all SUs from here on out.)
Okay
SpoilerOkay
I am not okay.I have tried so hardTo be okay.For my family.For my friends.For the people who need me.But no more.I don’t haveTo be okay.I will heal.One day, I will beOkay.But that is not today.That might not be tomorrow.Or next week.I admit it.I’m not “fine”I’m not “good”I am brokenButIn the processOf healing.I amPerfectlyImperfect.That is okay,Even ifI’m not.And that is okay.I’ll get there,One day.One day,I willFinallyBeOkay.~ Stick 1-19-24Save Me
SpoilerSave me
I stretchOutMy armsAnd youSaveMe.You save me.I don’t deserveTo beSaved.But youYou do itAnyway.You died for me.You bled and died for meFor meHow can I notLove who youSaved?Who you died for?It is aDecision.I decidedYears agoTo hate myself.And so I have.I have hatedThis beautiful,Scarred creatureYou callYour Daughter.No More.I am StrongI am BeautifulI am a WarriorI am LovedBy myself.You saved me,So I am choosingRight here,Right now.I love myself.I love how You made me.I am Your handiwork.There is nothing wrong with me.I was madeExactly how I You chose.I am freeBecause youSaved me.~ Stick 1-19-24Where My Thoughts Go
SpoilerWhere my thoughts go
I want to go outAnd lay on the snowI want to forget I everLearned to breatheI want to freezeAll alone in the coldI want to dieI want to fade away with no more painI want to feelMy bodySlowly freezingStiffAndColdAndDeadIt’s hard to laughWhen you’re crying.It’s hard to reactWhen you’re empty.It’s hard to feel safeWhen you’re scared.It’s hard to have hopeWhen you’re hopeless.It’s hard to loveWith no pain.It’s hard to flyWithout wings.It’s hard to prayWithout words.It’s hard to thinkWhen you’re emotionless.It’s hard to holdWhen you’re breaking.The scars don’t define meThe pain doesn’t define meMy stupid brain doesn’t define meI want to dieWithout my thoughtsSpiraling out of controlI want peaceI want nothingnessI want to fade awayI don’t want to existI don’t want the feelingsAnd emotions of something aliveI want to know whyMy brain spiralsWhy it alwaysEnds up in theAbyssI want to know whyI can’t just be normalI can’t just stop shakingI can’t just stop cryingI want to know whyI’m a messWhy I hate myselfWhy I can’t trustAnyoneI want to know whyYour arms are out of reachI want to knowThe answers to my questionsThe pathway to my heartAround and throughMy wallsGetting to my heart is a mazeIt feelsImpossibleI can’t feel the armsI can’t feel the painThe loveAny of itI am numbI asked for thisI made myself this wayI deserve thisI amANumbShadowOfWhoIOnceWasThe lonely mistSurrounds meI can’t seeI can’t breatheI can’t feelI can’t even screamWould I even want to?I’m scaredScared of changeScared of abandonmentScared of the shadowThat I have become.Scared that I will neverBe what I should beFor everyone.This is where my mind goes.~ Stick 1-19-24Blanket
SpoilerBlanket
Every timeI go to the blanketWhenever I’m stressedI’m lonelyI’m cryingI hate myselfI flee to my blanketI hide with my blanketIt holds meWhen my friendsCannotSometimesI go under the blanketAlone in the darkI cryI screamI claw at my skinI hate this thingTrapped inThe airIsn’t under the blanketAnd I’m gladI don’t want the airBreathing is too hardIt’s easier not toI wrap myself in this blanketI hide from theCruelColdWorldI have many blanketsI have named them allAll are suffocatingIn there own wayI have a blanketNamed DepressionI have a blanketNamed AnxietyI have a blanketNamed Self- harmI have a blanketNamedAttention Deficit Hyperactive DisorderI have a blanketNamed StressI have a blanketNamed SuicidalI have a blanketNamed EmptyI sometimes hide underAll my blanket-The emotional onesAnd the physical one.The good thingsFeel likeMistInstead ofBlanketsNot very easy to feelEspeciallyThroughMyBlankets~ Stick 1-19-24Hiding
SpoilerHiding
This is my instinctIn a badSituationI have to hideNo body wants to seeMeSo I hideI feel safeWhen I hideI feel lonelyWhen I hideAnd yetI keepGoingBackToMyHidingI press against the wallSmash myself into the cornerOn the floor“Go unnoticed.”“Make yourself small.”“Put up your hood.”“Nobody wants to see you.”I have to hideRight?This is normalRight?I talk to the voicesThe people who aren’t thereI hold theInvisible handBut it feels realI can feel itBut no oneElseCanI’m not normalSoIHideI hideI hideBecauseI haveToHide~ Stick 1-19-24Weakness
SpoilerWeakness
WeaknessVulnerabilityI have learnedThat without weaknessI can neverBeStrong.I need to be vulnerableOr nothingFeelsReal.It is hard!There is a chanceThat you will get hurt.But which is worse?The numbness?Or the pain?You cannotHaveHealingWithoutPain.You cannotHaveStrengthWithoutWeakness.You cannotHaveJoyWithoutSadness.Look behind you.Look at the journey.Look how far we’ve come!He has been hereFor all of it.He has been guidingYouMeAllOfUsIn hisOwnSpecialWay.Think veryVeryHard.Open your heart.Can you feel him?In your moment of weakness?Can you feelHis handOn your shoulder?Guiding you?Keeping youClose toHim?He is hereRight nowWhen you can hardlyBreatheWhen the emptinessTries toEat youAliveWhen youAre lonelyWhen pain is all you feelGive it to HimHe already felt it allOn a verySpecialTreeAll thoseTearsAgo.He knows.He cares.He will takeYour painYour scarsYour shameYour woundsAll you have to doIs showYourWeakness.~ Stick 1-19-24Those Nights
SpoilerWeakness
WeaknessVulnerabilityI have learnedThat without weaknessI can neverBeStrong.I need to be vulnerableOr nothingFeelsReal.It is hard!There is a chanceThat you will get hurt.But which is worse?The numbness?Or the pain?You cannotHaveHealingWithoutPain.You cannotHaveStrengthWithoutWeakness.You cannotHaveJoyWithoutSadness.Look behind you.Look at the journey.Look how far we’ve come!He has been hereFor all of it.He has been guidingYouMeAllOfUsIn hisOwnSpecialWay.Think veryVeryHard.Open your heart.Can you feel him?In your moment of weakness?Can you feelHis handOn your shoulder?Guiding you?Keeping youClose toHim?He is hereRight nowWhen you can hardlyBreatheWhen the emptinessTries toEat youAliveWhen youAre lonelyWhen pain is all you feelGive it to HimHe already felt it allOn a verySpecialTreeAll thoseTearsAgo.He knows.He cares.He will takeYour painYour scarsYour shameYour woundsAll you have to doIs showYourWeakness.~ Stick 1-19-24In other news... I tried Toblerone for the first time the other day and it's really good!
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I finally figured out the code for the
emoji and I am completely, exceedingly, disproportionately pleased by this fact.
That is all...
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WHY THANK YOU @Edema Rue I SAW THE TOUR PRODUCTION IN NOVEMBER AND HAVE BEEN OBSESSED WITH HADESTOWN EVER SINCE!
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My poetry with @Part Of The Narrative (she told me I have to mention her in all SUs from here on out.)
Okay
SpoilerOkay
I am not okay.I have tried so hardTo be okay.For my family.For my friends.For the people who need me.But no more.I don’t haveTo be okay.I will heal.One day, I will beOkay.But that is not today.That might not be tomorrow.Or next week.I admit it.I’m not “fine”I’m not “good”I am brokenButIn the processOf healing.I amPerfectlyImperfect.That is okay,Even ifI’m not.And that is okay.I’ll get there,One day.One day,I willFinallyBeOkay.~ Stick 1-19-24Save Me
SpoilerSave me
I stretchOutMy armsAnd youSaveMe.You save me.I don’t deserveTo beSaved.But youYou do itAnyway.You died for me.You bled and died for meFor meHow can I notLove who youSaved?Who you died for?It is aDecision.I decidedYears agoTo hate myself.And so I have.I have hatedThis beautiful,Scarred creatureYou callYour Daughter.No More.I am StrongI am BeautifulI am a WarriorI am LovedBy myself.You saved me,So I am choosingRight here,Right now.I love myself.I love how You made me.I am Your handiwork.There is nothing wrong with me.I was madeExactly how I You chose.I am freeBecause youSaved me.~ Stick 1-19-24Where My Thoughts Go
SpoilerWhere my thoughts go
I want to go outAnd lay on the snowI want to forget I everLearned to breatheI want to freezeAll alone in the coldI want to dieI want to fade away with no more painI want to feelMy bodySlowly freezingStiffAndColdAndDeadIt’s hard to laughWhen you’re crying.It’s hard to reactWhen you’re empty.It’s hard to feel safeWhen you’re scared.It’s hard to have hopeWhen you’re hopeless.It’s hard to loveWith no pain.It’s hard to flyWithout wings.It’s hard to prayWithout words.It’s hard to thinkWhen you’re emotionless.It’s hard to holdWhen you’re breaking.The scars don’t define meThe pain doesn’t define meMy stupid brain doesn’t define meI want to dieWithout my thoughtsSpiraling out of controlI want peaceI want nothingnessI want to fade awayI don’t want to existI don’t want the feelingsAnd emotions of something aliveI want to know whyMy brain spiralsWhy it alwaysEnds up in theAbyssI want to know whyI can’t just be normalI can’t just stop shakingI can’t just stop cryingI want to know whyI’m a messWhy I hate myselfWhy I can’t trustAnyoneI want to know whyYour arms are out of reachI want to knowThe answers to my questionsThe pathway to my heartAround and throughMy wallsGetting to my heart is a mazeIt feelsImpossibleI can’t feel the armsI can’t feel the painThe loveAny of itI am numbI asked for thisI made myself this wayI deserve thisI amANumbShadowOfWhoIOnceWasThe lonely mistSurrounds meI can’t seeI can’t breatheI can’t feelI can’t even screamWould I even want to?I’m scaredScared of changeScared of abandonmentScared of the shadowThat I have become.Scared that I will neverBe what I should beFor everyone.This is where my mind goes.~ Stick 1-19-24Blanket
SpoilerBlanket
Every timeI go to the blanketWhenever I’m stressedI’m lonelyI’m cryingI hate myselfI flee to my blanketI hide with my blanketIt holds meWhen my friendsCannotSometimesI go under the blanketAlone in the darkI cryI screamI claw at my skinI hate this thingTrapped inThe airIsn’t under the blanketAnd I’m gladI don’t want the airBreathing is too hardIt’s easier not toI wrap myself in this blanketI hide from theCruelColdWorldI have many blanketsI have named them allAll are suffocatingIn there own wayI have a blanketNamed DepressionI have a blanketNamed AnxietyI have a blanketNamed Self- harmI have a blanketNamedAttention Deficit Hyperactive DisorderI have a blanketNamed StressI have a blanketNamed SuicidalI have a blanketNamed EmptyI sometimes hide underAll my blanket-The emotional onesAnd the physical one.The good thingsFeel likeMistInstead ofBlanketsNot very easy to feelEspeciallyThroughMyBlankets~ Stick 1-19-24Hiding
SpoilerHiding
This is my instinctIn a badSituationI have to hideNo body wants to seeMeSo I hideI feel safeWhen I hideI feel lonelyWhen I hideAnd yetI keepGoingBackToMyHidingI press against the wallSmash myself into the cornerOn the floor“Go unnoticed.”“Make yourself small.”“Put up your hood.”“Nobody wants to see you.”I have to hideRight?This is normalRight?I talk to the voicesThe people who aren’t thereI hold theInvisible handBut it feels realI can feel itBut no oneElseCanI’m not normalSoIHideI hideI hideBecauseI haveToHide~ Stick 1-19-24Weakness
SpoilerWeakness
WeaknessVulnerabilityI have learnedThat without weaknessI can neverBeStrong.I need to be vulnerableOr nothingFeelsReal.It is hard!There is a chanceThat you will get hurt.But which is worse?The numbness?Or the pain?You cannotHaveHealingWithoutPain.You cannotHaveStrengthWithoutWeakness.You cannotHaveJoyWithoutSadness.Look behind you.Look at the journey.Look how far we’ve come!He has been hereFor all of it.He has been guidingYouMeAllOfUsIn hisOwnSpecialWay.Think veryVeryHard.Open your heart.Can you feel him?In your moment of weakness?Can you feelHis handOn your shoulder?Guiding you?Keeping youClose toHim?He is hereRight nowWhen you can hardlyBreatheWhen the emptinessTries toEat youAliveWhen youAre lonelyWhen pain is all you feelGive it to HimHe already felt it allOn a verySpecialTreeAll thoseTearsAgo.He knows.He cares.He will takeYour painYour scarsYour shameYour woundsAll you have to doIs showYourWeakness.~ Stick 1-19-24Those Nights
SpoilerWeakness
WeaknessVulnerabilityI have learnedThat without weaknessI can neverBeStrong.I need to be vulnerableOr nothingFeelsReal.It is hard!There is a chanceThat you will get hurt.But which is worse?The numbness?Or the pain?You cannotHaveHealingWithoutPain.You cannotHaveStrengthWithoutWeakness.You cannotHaveJoyWithoutSadness.Look behind you.Look at the journey.Look how far we’ve come!He has been hereFor all of it.He has been guidingYouMeAllOfUsIn hisOwnSpecialWay.Think veryVeryHard.Open your heart.Can you feel him?In your moment of weakness?Can you feelHis handOn your shoulder?Guiding you?Keeping youClose toHim?He is hereRight nowWhen you can hardlyBreatheWhen the emptinessTries toEat youAliveWhen youAre lonelyWhen pain is all you feelGive it to HimHe already felt it allOn a verySpecialTreeAll thoseTearsAgo.He knows.He cares.He will takeYour painYour scarsYour shameYour woundsAll you have to doIs showYourWeakness.~ Stick 1-19-24In other news... I tried Toblerone for the first time the other day and it's really good!
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Sorry if I am intruding on something personal, but I just want to say that these poems are beautiful. I cried when reading some of these, because I knew the feelings contained in them so well. I guess I want to say...thank you? I feel less alone for having read these, and I want you to know that you are not alone either. I am here for you. We all are.
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