Silk

Sounds good. Any other takers?

You're on

Please do! Any other takers this week?

We have also resumed the fine tradition of posting silly videos to celebrate hitting our funding milestones! You know, like this one, in which I promise to do even more ridiculous things later:

I would like to also point out that we have returned to the fine tradition of making fools of ourselves on the Internet to celebrate hitting our funding goals:

It always does! No worries, we all get frustrated. I'm in a similar spot of frustration with my current MS, honestly... Epigraphs can be a fun way to do tone and worldbuilding for sure.

Ah, this makes sense! might be worth considering moving this up. Or giving R another action to take in the first chapter that will carry us through to this one in the second. I think you do have something worthwhile! It seems like everyone is engaged and wants to read more, and we're just talking about finessing. Revisions, maybe especially rewrites in my experience, often lead to cascading changes. There's nothing wrong with getting the final draft to where it needs to be in layers.

FWIW, the comment I made about the narration feeling like limited omniscient jumped out at me the most in the first scene between R and Y, before we start getting into the family stuff, and I was thinking mostly of emotional signposting when I made the comment: we can infer that R is angry from her actions, but we're not seeing a lot of her thoughts directly. We're getting enough of R's emotions from the way she's acting that I'm not sure this is a problem that needs to be solved, but it's a bit unusual to see omniscient POV right now, so I thought it was worth noting. as a reader I'm completely on-side with this, and I don't think it's what I stumbled on. It was explicit early on that she was adopted, so I was just fine with her calling her parents her parents. But then I kept stumbling onto things that seemed contradictory or least were clearly not fully explained. I think what caused me to stumble are two things. First, I think the focus on ancestry and bloodlines is presented in a way that is confusing R's own heritage a bit. The first time I encountered a hitch was p5: "Her brother had magic from his father, but her mother was O, like her." The second half of this sentence reads very much like R inherited her lack of magic from her mother, especially when juxtaposed with the first clause that points to her brother clearly inheriting his magic from his father. It was the first thing that made me stop and wonder whether I'd read right that she'd been adopted. But there are a couple of spots like this, I think, the one that @Mandamon quoted above also being one of them, that are worth massaging. I wonder if the solution might be in part to keep foregrounding the uncertainty about R's own ancestry. Instead of R being non-magical like her mother, everyone assumes that she is non-magical like her mother because she can't prove otherwise. Maybe at certain points in the text she wonders or regrets again that she can't know what her own capabilities are, wonders if she really is O like everyone says, wishes she knew what ancestors to ask for powers, wonders if [that weird thing that happened recently] is her magic happening at last and will give her a clue, or whatever is appropriate for your magic system. R spending some thought on the lost parts of her heritage seems in keeping with her character and the story and would be a way to remind us that she is adopted without constantly reiterating it explicitly. If you're worried about putting distance between R and her parents, one way to handle that might be to have R always think explicitly of her birth/biological parents when thinking her lost heritage, versus just her parents, without the qualifier, for her adoptive parents. That way you'd be separating the question of what her bloodline is from the question of who her family is, which I think would help. The other thing I stumbled in was just that we're getting a lot of information! It's a fairly complex family dynamic - I had to read the explanatory paragraph you posted a couple of times to wrap my head around it, and in Ch1 we're getting it all quite quickly. Is there any way to simplify - do we need to know that R and J are half-siblings in the first chapter, for example, or can that wait until the second chapter when we're a little more settled in the narrative? And/or, don't be afraid to be explicit when the right moment does arrive. This could be another plain statement like you did with R being adopted in the first place or maybe there's a character moment where you illustrate that R's brother and her dad have a dynamic that is different than R's own dynamic with her dad. Okay - in that case it is probably worth signposting this in some way before it happens too, not necessarily explicitly just yet, but something that helps to gear us up for "R's mother and father are not actually a couple," or "are actually poly" or whatever the dynamic is. It seems there is a lot of nuance here that will seem contradictory if we're not properly primed for it. I wouldn't lose too much sleep over this. I feel like this chapter is most of the way there, and you've already got the setup in place to take it those last few steps. If you're okay to get prescriptive suggestions as feedback (uh, aside from the several I just made... sorry?), and obviously I don't know the story nearly as well as you do so take it or leave it, but the thing that immediately occurred to me was: For what it's worth, I'm an iterative--and messy--drafter myself, so making a whole bunch of changes and then going back and finding more stuff that needs to be changed is pretty normal as far as I'm concerned! Ask the old hands here how many drafts of mine they've had to read to get something ready to publish, I bet they've all lost count

p1 the narration so far (in the first 1-2 pages) feels almost omniscient – we’re not too far into R’s head, I know it’s her POV mostly by virtue of the fact that until y shows up she’s the only one on the page. That said, I’m still getting a pretty good idea of R’s emotions from the way she’s acting, so that’s not necessarily an issue. Just depends on what you're going for. p2 I’m not sure if “coming out” has the same meaning that we use today, but the phrase struck me as way more modern than the rest of the letter. P3 So is R being scorned by other people because she doesn’t know who her ancestors are, or because they don’t have whatever bloodline confers power/status in this world, or both? “Have to be done by the time I’m eighteen” is this a social restriction or a limitation of the magic? P4 “…students or travelling researchers.” If I were reading this wholly fresh I don’t think it would have registered as a problem at all, but I did want to note reading the second book that I did not realize the only people allowed to work with students etc. were travelling researchers – I didn’t realize it was that restricted. As a general note, this definitely reads as a different kind of library than we think of today since it’s clearly much more restricted than a public institution. So, from t his so far I would expect to learn more about the Library and why it’s so rarified, but I’m perfectly willing to let that happen as the manuscript goes on. P7 “…and mucking out chickens” chicken coops? I’m having a hard time following the family situation here. R is adopted and doesn’t know who her ancestors are, but knows (?) she doesn’t come from the magic bloodlines and neither does her (adoptive?) mother. Her ancestors could be anyone because she’s adopted, but she and her brother have different fathers and she knows who both of them are. P9 “came this morning to deliver the news” seems repetitive – it echoes what J already said, but also, wouldn’t they have had this part of the conversation already? “The ground seemed to be shifting beneath her…” as an endcap to a chapter it works well, but it feels almost like an overreaction based on what we’ve learned? I think because I really don’t understand how this affects R. What does it actually mean to her that her mother is leaving? What changes? How will she react? Overall: I am fairly bought in and sympathetic to R and her struggles (though see above re: having some trouble tracking the familial stuff, so nice work there. What I don’t have yet is a sense of progression. The scene at the end of the chapter seems to building towards an inciting incident, but I would say we don’t actually have one yet – because we don’t really know what’s changed for R or how that’s going to drive her and the story forward. Obviously the fact that her mother is leaving is a change, but I don’t know what that means for her. Does it significantly change her day to day? Does it mean she has do something differently? What about the fact that the library is looking for students? (Obviously coloured by my knowledge of book 2, but you’ve signposted the importance of this at a couple places in this chapter as well). Not that I think you need to immediately action every piece of info R gets in the first chapter, but by the end of it I’m looking for some sense of what the changes to her surroundings will drive her to actually do.

Sorry I'm getting to this late! looks like it may still be in time to be helpful. P1 I’m a little confused by the narrator’s situation, since he says he lost “the will” for his mouth to form words – but he still signs – and a lot of the narration seems to suggest he wants to/misses the ability to speak rather than choosing not to. P3 Did the robbers not notice him walking into the station? Also, when did the cashier actually get stabbed? When he shouts “stop” at the robbers and it becomes clear he has some sort of powers is the first time I’m really on board with the character. Up until now it’s mostly felt like he’s been causing his own problems by choosing not to speak. ”The blood on the shelf behind her told M what had happened” still unclear on this myself. Did she get stabbed? Also I’m guessing they’re all dead? Overall: I think I’ve already covered my major pieces of feedback so far – I was confused as to what the narrator’s was, and I wasn’t especially sympathetic to him, until we discovered the powers thing. Beyond that – I wasn’t sure whether this was the end of the story or just the end of the scene. If the story continues, obviously it would have to move pretty quickly to keep within your allotted word count. That being said, what I’ve read so far read much more like an inciting incident than the arc of a complete story. If the actual end of the arc is him failing to keep his mouth shut and facing the consequences, I think that needs to be foreshadowed in advance. I also wanted to echo Ace and Mandamon’s comments about disability – there is a lot of overlap and I’d agree that the story doesn’t seem equipped to go into that given your setup and target length. I agree that foreshadowing his powers before they are explicitly revealed might be a good way around this (and might have other benefits). In case you're still looking for tips I think you have room to be a little more specific if you want, still without revealing exactly what’s up! The following might sound a little prescriptive, but just as some examples--take as much or as little of this as you want, I'm just using these as a point--he might drop some hints in relation to the “unfortunate incident” or think about something in particular he wants to avoid, reference thinking through the things he does say really carefully, and so forth. Or, is the fact that his power works when he speaks but not when he signs might be an early opportunity to drop a hint.

Second this!

P1 “…it looks like they need help getting S into the house.” Was surprised that it was N being asked and not W, given that it’s W’s parent. Edit: If the goal is to have F talk to W alone, maybe just hang a lantern on the request? P3 “It was easier… when I had nothing to lose.” Nice bit of characterization here. P6 “…all the kisses I’ve been saving up.” This line stuck out a little bit – I know that they did have a chance to finally discuss their feelings a couple chapters ago, but this line still feels abrupt. It’s flirty in a way that they really haven’t been so far since this is really the first time they’ve expressed physical affection for one another. I’m actually feeling kind of uneasy with this scene as I read through it. I’m having a hard time pointing to what is causing this reaction, but it almost feels like W is currently manipulating N to get him to stay. I wonder if it’s just that she’s not actually lingering on F’s request – It doesn’t seem to be weighing on her at all – so this scene feels at least in part almost calculated. Edit: That said, the endcap of the scene worked much better for me and felt genuine (not that the earlier parts of the scene felt fake, but maybe “genuine with an ulterior motive”). P9: Uh, wow, cavalierly “attacking” the village seems like an alarming escalation. And I still don’t understand why B is bothering to keep W apprised of her movements. “Maybe I don’t even need to tell N about staying here…” Obviously withholding information isn’t the same thing as lying, but this did remind me that N and W had made a promise to be honest with each other, so I’m curious if that’s going to play a role in what’s to come… Edit: ah, okay, there it is. P10 “I imagine that wasn’t easy. Telling me the truth knowing…” not often, but occasionally, N and W’s almost radical openness (which I generally enjoy!) strays into what feels almost like “as you know, Bob” dialogue, like the story is reminding me the reader of the consequences rather than N saying a thing. P11/12 “Where did your confidence come from?” Lines like this make me feel like we’re almost missing a breakthrough moment from the previous chapters. “…making a plan before charging out” this might just be WRS, but their objective is… to stop the attack? This line made me realize I’m unclear. “once we’re about halfway there…” was surprised they gave F this much time to catch up, which seemed like a bad idea, but from the conversation that follows I see that’s the point. My confusion as that I originally thought they did not intend F to catch up until they were already in the fey world, I think because of the “it’s harder to send us back” comment. I’m confused at the mention of the ritual. I thought this was the one that needed an emotional bond to work – so just kidnapping C or N seems like it shouldn’t be sufficient? Or is this a different ritual? “Why do you think I told you we were coming?” I mean, I want to know that too – but as a piece of dialogue that clues us into what’s actually going on (or at least who this actually is, since I definitely don’t feel like I know what’s going on!) this was very nicely done. Overall: I know I've made this comment before, but this is another chapter where I think more emotional signposting would help - there is a lot of dialogue without a lot of overt discussion of what the characters were actually feeling, I think that contributed to my uneasiness in the N/W scene and I am definitely curious how N is reacting to the actions at the end of the chapter. Other than that... I'm still struggling a bit to keep track of who's who but I think that's mostly a holdover of everything that's come before. In general things seem to be ticking along nicely.

Whew! Glad it worked out. Two subs tomorrow with @Ace of Hearts and @Cathy Lim submitting.

Sorry - I didn't see your post from last week! Feel free to tag me if your request is coming in a little late, I do try to remember at the eleventh hour but sometimes forget. Anyone else for this week?

Please do! I know I keep saying this, but I am trying to get caught up on crits... lol.

P1 “even though I’m only a year older than him…” I actually had been reading H as the older one. Also, and it’s very possible that this is just a result of me living outside the US, but the term “freshman” here made me think everyone is in college, which puts everyone at older than I thought they were. P5 “Your mom’s awareness isn’t a bad thing…” not sure why, but I stumbled on the word “awareness’ here. P7 “…he makes flowers bloom…” wait, have we seen this? Because I feel like we should have seen this. Or at least hints thereof. P14 “Do you regret it?” I think this is actually the first time it’s been spelled out that Br is one of H and N’s moms (I forget which one is mom and which one is ma). I still think having a few more hint and/or an explicit “who’s who” in the earlier chapters would help. Also… this implies that the fey have gene sequencing technology? Overall: My thoughts on this sub are pretty similar to the last one, I think. I’m still not necessarily concerned with N being off-screen, but—moreso in this submission than the last one—I don’t quite feel connected to the overall narrative. Setting the chapter up as its own goal to make H talk about his feelings helps a little because then we do achieve that goal by the end of the chapter, but I’m still not totally sure why it’s important in terms of our overall progress. With A, it worked better because they have an established prior relationship that has already affected the narrative, but with H it feels like W’s doing it almost as a way to pass the time. I accidentally took a three-ish week break between starting and finishing this critique, and coming back to it with fresh eyes, I think part of what’s giving me issues is that it feels like each of the two chapters in this sub is only one thread. There’s the “get H to talk about his feelings” chapter and then once that’s out of the way we start progressing the fey plot again—but they’re both very sequestered to their own chapters which might contribute to the feeling that the plot isn’t moving during the chapter with H. I wonder if giving W a secondary goal that’s more related to the plot, even if she isn’t going try running to the rescue of N and her amma (which is unusual, and fairly well signposted, and overall I like!) would help with this. This is very much a “throwing things to see what sticks” suggestion, but maybe she decides she needs a better grasp at MA’s role in all this, so that she can better help N et al once he rescues himself, and can keep working away at that. Then maybe A gives her some information during their heart-to-heart that she wouldn’t have had otherwise. Then H says something in the next chapter that makes it sound a little more sinister. Then when G, B and company show up in the next chapter, it’s this huge relief because they’ve gotten out from under something terrible. Or something.

Please do! Any other takers?

You're on for tomorrow. Any other takers?

Also a bit late, but please do

Doing my call for submissions a little early... because on Sunday I'm heading for the Writing Excuses retreat! So my activity will be a little spotty. Although I'm not looking forward to hours of airplanes and layovers, I plan to make good use of the time and turn you all into my entertainment catch up on submissions during the trip out. So, any takers for this upcoming week?

Sorry for the late reply! You’re both good to go.

Please do!

So we have @kais up for a submission this week. Any other takers?

Sounds good, though I'll confirm the full roster a bit later in the week.

Hi! So, this critique may feel more like me thinking out loud than usual. Sorry about that - I am having trouble articulating some of my thoughts, but hopefully there's something in here that is useful. I'm not quite sure this chapter gets me there, at least not yet. It feels like maybe this happened too easily or that the scene is missing a beat. Some of that might be down to needing a bit more specific setup, a bit more on that in my LBLs below. But right now it feels a little like we resolved a try/fail cycle without the actual failure. I'm also wondering if the "bringing W closer to N" thing is too much of a focal point in this chapter. Which is, admittedly, a weird thing to say for a romance. But whether or not N and W are getting closer, or whether they both want a relationship, is not really in question - it's been made pretty clear that they both do. The things that are keeping them apart, at least from this reader's perspective, are whether N can escape his fey relatives, his feelings about his village/existence/whatever putting W in danger, and W's own feelings about needing to improve parts of herself that didn't serve her well in her last relationship. Since this chapter is about the last of those three, I wonder what would happen if you reframed it to be specifically about W, rather than N becoming some sort of almost-mystical guiding force for her. LBLs are short this time, but here we go: “…he saw the worst parts of me while we were together.” Yeah, I do think this needs a little more setup. We actually don’t get a whole lot of specifics on W and A’s relationship, and I think if this is something W wants to work on, we should know what specifically she’s trying to improve. “I can message G to keep me updated.” It does feel weird that this is the first solution W gravitates to, like she’s not all that concerned about trying to keep her cousin from doing something stupid. I wonder, what if you flipped these two things, so W tries and fails to get ahold of G and then moves on to problems she actually can solve? P2 “…blowing up at him for small annoyances.” Ooh, yeah, so this is telling me what I want to know, but I’d love to see it explored a little more. Right now we’re getting a summary but not seeing the dynamic in action. This doesn’t have to mean flashbacks – it could be W saying something or stopping herself from saying something and A reacting to it, that sort of thing. P4 “Babysitting is exhausting.” LOL. P7/8 I love that W is pushing A to talk to her mom, but why is being so cagey about it? I feel like “my mom is ace, maybe you are too, have a chat about it and see if it resonates” would be way more straightforward…