Weaver of Shadows
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Happy by NF hits really hard when I realize I relate to almost every line.
Today has been a long day.
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Ok. Lucid. Gift twisted across the floor towards him. Something’s wrong with Jenny, it said to him after curling onto his leg. @Wierdo
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I…I will tell them. But who can we trust? I can’t tell Edgar.
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Don’t stop, Jenny. Keep telling me what to do.
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How? I want to.
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“Then…why help me?”
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“So…that’s why you do what you do?”
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Jenny?
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“Y…you?” Her breathing started to calm more.
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Help. How was he supposed to help her? He was doing everything he could. And that meant…he couldn’t try. That would just hurt her.
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“M…maybe?”
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Did she? No…no, she wanted him there. “No.”
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“I…never will. Impossible.”
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He looked up, and for a moment his eyes shined with the love he still felt. Then he shoved it down. All it would do is make it hurt more. He turned away.
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Edgar almost looked up at her. But no, that would be too hard for both of them. So he just stared at his knees.
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“Y…yeah. It is.” Why was she saying that? Any way she sitting next to him? And why did she sound so…unlike herself? He would make it worse. He always made it worse. How was he going to mess up now?
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Edgar sank to his knees. Pain. The pain felt right. He deserved it, after what he had put Jenny through. He deserved far worse.
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“I…I do know that. Because of who I am, I know that I would have gotten you hurt. This is best. I’m sorry.” He stood slowly, then, with a glance back at her, he teetered a few steps away.
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He let go of her. “It’s for the best. I promise, you’ll see eventually. This might not have been hurting you right now, but eventually it would. And I know it will hurt to end, but that’ll hurt less, I think. And then…” then you won’t have to worry about me, or have me endangering you.
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“It matters to me if it hurts you.” He couldn’t stop himself. Ignoring the pain, he spun, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to him. He could…he could end this now. One last, loving hug from him. Then it would all be over. ”I love you. And that’s why…that’s why I have the strength to leave. Because in the end it will be better for you.” He didn’t mention how much it would crush him. She didn’t need to know. And he wasn’t important.
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“But…everything tells me that what I want is what will hurt you most. Everything but…well, you and me.” Hopefully she would say that’s what mattered most.
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“I…I know that. But…does it matter what I want if what I want will hurt you? And I know it will.” How could what he wanted matter. Even if they wanted the same thing. It was best for them to not be together.
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I feel so broken.
I don’t know if I can be fixed.
I don’t know if I want to be fixed.
Everything seems so wrong with me.
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I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I know how it feels. It really sucks. I’ve got some advice/encouragement if you want it, but I know that sometimes that’s not very helpful in the moment.
SpoilerWhat’s helped me is focusing on the fact that while I can’t necessarily “fix” the parts of me that feel broken, I can learn to stop them from controlling me. It’s not easy, and for a while I didn’t think it was possible. But things do get better. I know that’s really cliche, but it’s still true. It wasn’t an overnight thing, it was a long series of steps. After a while I looked back and realized how far I’d come. Along the way it had felt like nothing was getting better, and that was really discouraging, but I had been actually making progress. Everything’s not perfect, but I don’t think perfection is possible for anyone. And while I don’t know you too well, from what I’ve seen, you’re an amazing person.
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