kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

It's a new day, people. I'm trying my best to be positive, but...

I feel sick. Inside and outside. Maybe it's because a kid accidentally sneezed in my face yesterday... 

I'm less anxious though, and just more... empty. Better to feel numb than overwhelmed?

My grades are also slipping again, so I'm not excited about that. 

I made it to school 45 minutes late which means I already have stuff to do for homework, which I have no motivation to do except to keep straight As and avoid lecture. *sigh*

These last six weeks of school are going to be mostly testing, so I don't feel like it's reasonable for classes to be giving out mountains of homework... like, who does that?? 

I also got selected for a history extension on the Emancipation Proclamation, which normally I'd be happy to get out of my regular classroom and learn some more, but I'm just done, you know? I'm sick of school and I'm sick of learning and I'm sick of life. 

I want to go home. 

At least math is easy right now. We skipped over Unit 6 earlier this year so we could come back to it towards the end of the year since it's easier and we could kind of just coast through it. We're doing probability. Easy peasy. 

It's weird. I feel like school is my safe place, but I hate BEING here. I hate what we do here. Over and over and over we let them control our lives, what we learn... they strip our choices away until before you know it the only choice you make each day is what to get on your lunch tray.

You have 35 minutes to eat. Don't be late back to class. 

One 35 minute break in an 8 hour day of sitting in a chair and being talked at. One 35 minute break in 11 hours of being away from home if you have musical practice that day. One 35 minute break in 13 hours away if you have choreography.

35 minutes.

Take notes until your wrists hurt and fingers bruise. Listen until you get a headache, and don't make any noise. Don't make a mess. Don't eat a snack right now, it's not third period. You already used your two bathroom passes today, go during passing period. But if you're late, it's detention. And you can't use go during passing period, because that's when the kids rush to the bathrooms and sneak in their hourly two minutes of vaping. It's when they trade answers on the homework and send inappropriate Snaps to each other. You can't go because you'll get stuck with the wrong crowd. And you can't use your hall pass for a walk in the halls when your anxiety hits you, because it's "against the rules". 

When did this happen?

You know what, I'm going to write a slam poem about this. Excuse me while I go do that. I'll be back later.