yankorro

Am I the second? Ive got chapter 7 and 8 ready to go if anybody wants 'em. And Ive been superbusy with work but promise I will try to get some good critiqueing time in the week.

Hey there. Thanks for hanging in there with the story. I'll have to consider your point about the jump from story to story. My hope was that, being such a short work, and having such short chapters, that the reader wouldn't have so much trouble ping-ponging back from Dimas's Colony hideout to Riki's adventures on Earth, but maybe that was a mistake. Very true...will change. All is revealed at the end (it's kind of combination of those two possibilities...) I'll check up on that. I do notice that sometimes it's a little ambiguous, especially in spots where "Riki said" something to Dimas or "Riki said" something in the story. The story is all written now, so I will just ask you to be patient with the pretentious no-quote version if you continue reading. Thanks again ~NMW

Hello, little wilson! This is my first look at this story. The synopsis was thorough enough that I understood the idea: girl discovers mysterious new power, etc. The particulars of the world-building aren't exactly clear to me, but that's not hugely important at this point. I also like the pacing and action and the prose in general--especially the first scene--but I noticed a few of the same things that Mandamon mentioned as well. Standard disclaimers apply: just my opinion, grain of salt, etc. a) having not read the earlier chapters, I don't know much about this Chris character, but he comes off as sort of bland on the page, meaning I don't get much of a feel for his personality from his dialogue. He just seems to be spouting exposition for the reader. Which isn't a bad thing, but if his voice were a little more distinctive, it would help disguise that. Also, is it kind of a handy coincidence that this girl who happens to have these powers happens to have a neighbor with connections to the World Order? (maybe you explain this later?) ditto what Mandamon with the physical descriptions (less statistical, more general="tall or short or medium height" rather than "6'4", 5'8""), and the names. The fight scene is kind of murky, it's hard to tell who's doing what to whom. Maybe make it not so blow-by-blow. Sometimes it's a lot clearer to say "They struggled..." and then when you have something really cool, like people floating up in the air and flying backwards, describe that more in detail and bring that out. Anyway, it looks like you have a peppy, action-packed story going here, so Ill be curious to see what happens next! Cheers ~NMW

heres the thread for chap 5 and 6 of 'The Slim Black Rectangle'...

May I as well? Please?

Hi there! I think from a character standpoint and suspension-of-disbelief standpoint, the additions of Sam's interior monologue makes more sense than they did without. I'd like to comment on some nuts-and-bolts things about the interior monologue though, because I notice one thing where you go back and forth: at times you present it in first person with italics, and at others, in third. I greatly prefer the latter. For example, the end of chapter six worked great for me: >>"Would he need to remember this location? Or would he be able to open another portal himself, later, somewhere else?" etc., etc. This is unobtrusive, doesn't call attention to itself, and has a nice, natural flow. In other instances, we get first person, italics. This is just an opinion, but I think this use of italics is best reserved for very short insertions. Otherwise it can become distracting and hard on the eyes. In some instances it works really well. Like when he tells himself, "Stand up." Or he reminds himself. "I'm inside." or "I'm still inside." Or "That way was outside." In fact, you might consider only italicizing these short, specific references to 'inside' and 'outside', as a simple, punchy way of playing up his feelings about it, and as an economical way to tie his reactions into the action (if that makes sense). In other spots I would drop the italics and put it in 3rd person. We're closely enough related to the viewpoint character that it's not necessary to go even further into POV. Plus the implicit change from past tense narration to present tense interior-monologue bounces the reader around a lot. >>"And back inside the comfort of my own house." ('of his own house' instead) or >>"It’s almost like being inside, he told himself. You can’t even see the sky—it can’t come down on you" (Maybe do this as reported monologue. 'He told himself it was almost like being inside.') >>"Even though you did it before, a little voice nagged in his head." (maybe just 'Even though he'd done it before.') >>"Jesus. I couldn’t even step on my front lawn for ten years. Now I’m adrift thousands of lightyears from anything." (He could even, etc.) I hope my comments here are as helpful as yours have been for me Looking forward to more ~nmw

Hey, thanks for your input. just to clarify, the novella is in three parts: part one which is just chapters 1-3, part two which is chapters 4-11, and part three, chapters 12-15. Which is not very symmetrical I guess, or maybe it is in a way. Who knows. Also, the notes on the punctuation are instructive. Partly I did it to differentiate the 3rd and 1st person narratives, and partly to indulge my more literary aspirations a la Jose Saramago, C. MacCarthy (neither of whom use quotation marks), etc. Good catch on page 17! I'm most concerned though with your comments as to voice, ie Dimas in 3rd person as the laconic vet versus Dimas as the friendly storyteller. do you suppose I could dial back either or both of those just a little bit to avoid such a stark contrast? I mean, I like the idea of him acting differently with the girl than with everyone else, but maybe you're right, it is too different from what we know about him so far. Again thanks for your input, very helpful! I'll do my best to have a look at the latest installment of Seeds of Dissolution soon! Cheers ~NMW

Hi folks, sending a little late in the week I know, hope someone gets a chance to see this. In the first two chapters, our protagonist Dimas returns to the orbiting space colony where he was born, having been exiled to Earth after a failed revolution on the Colony, carrying with him a mysterious device. He's met by Colonel Vaz, an old man connected with the Resistance in Exile, who gives him an envelope full of money to give to Thaïs, the wife of Dimas' friend Riki, also exiled on Earth. After an abortive attempt to charge up his device's battery at a back-alley chop-shop, Dimas knocks on Thaïs' door, and is greeted by a slap in the face, then invited in for a drink... Let me know anything: doubts, gaps, plotholes you see, and also what you think about the set-up for the "story within a story". Thanks! ~NMW

hello! didnt get around to posting anything last week, might I try again this week?

If it's not too much of a problem, I'd like to send out a couple chapters this week, would that be cool?

Howdy! I had fun reading through this, it's an interesting set-up you have here. Story-wise, the walkthrough of the Nether in Chapter 7 works, giving you the author a chance to explain (through Origon) the storyworld a bit. Although I have one nitpicky question, if the Nether makes it so everyone can talk and understand each other, why does Origon have that weird tic of using present continuous verbs in awkward places? Wouldn't the Nether make him just naturally speak proper English? (sorry I teach ESL, these things bother me There are some nice bits of description of the city and its architechture, but some of the blocking (who was where when they did what they did) could use some streamlining, for example >>Sam finally caught up, most of the way across the square he had seen from the alley, and still had to jog a step every once in a while to keep pace. It just seems like a lot of verbiage to communicate something that could perhaps be expressed more simply (kind of like this sentence!). Also, one minor suggestion, I would probably lose the last sentence of Chapter 7 and just end on: "They turned onto the last bridge, one Sam had seen from his first viewpoint. Ahead, it vanished into the Spire of the Maji." Just me, though. Chapter 8 has a steep learning curve of characters introduced one after the other, with lots of attendant description. I would be wary of trying to describe each member of the council in too much detail, and you rightly avoid it. But in the case of the Pixie it was a little confusing. You give her dialogue with a tag and some background information. In my mind I have to sketch in some kind of face for her. Then next you give us a physical description and I have to rethink my whole image of the character. A little confusing. I'd work in the information about the appearance before the background, I think it works better cognitively that way. In general I like how you are answering questions and raising new ones. Looking forward to the next installment! ~NMW

Cool! Glad you liked it!

Thanks all! You're already giving me ideas on where I should slip in clues and where not--and you're exactly right the spatial orientation is a little too vague. I reckon if I clarify some of the points I can get away with my intentional atmospheric vagueness on some others. Also, point taken with regard to the bit about the helmet, I'm gonna try mixing it into the dialogue to avoid the jarring POV shift. Looking forward to reading and posting more. Cheers!

Hi, here's my first post here. (I see now that i put the wrong name in the filename, should be nm whitley and not yankorro). Anyway hope to hear from you all. Typical opening chapter questions: Do you get a feel for the character? Is there mystery that you want to know more about? Is there too much/little info about the story world? Are there any egregious speedbumps stylistically? thanks! ~NMW

Hello there-- This is my first critique in this group so bear with me, I will try to be clear and concise while still hitting what I think are the main points. I haven't read the first part of this book, so I'm not familiar with the characters. Fortunately, this chapter gives me most if not all the information i need to be able to make sense of it. Basically we have a typical "Joe Normal taken to some strange and magical locale by a wise mentor" scenario, and the scene is structured well enough as a dialogue that it avoids any blatant info-dumping. As AubreyWrites mentioned, the learning curve is there, but it's not too steep, plus we're promised that more information will be forthcoming when they arrive to the Council. I agree though that perhaps Sam ought to be freaking out a bit more and bit longer than he does here. I suppose maybe he is in a state of shock, rather than panicky and hyperventilating? In either case, I would suggest letting that sort of color his perception more...or even dampen his perception. He seems to be seeing everything around him in such vivid detail (which helps you as a writer to paint the pictures on the page), but I'd find it maybe a bit more believable if I got a sense of his mental state from the descriptions of what he sees and how he sees it. For example when he says Origon is "six and a half feet tall, if Sam judged correctly"--I'm not sure I would be in any state to "judge" anything if I were in his shoes. Maybe just says he was "tall, thin, and imposing" or whatever and leave it at that. You could be less descriptive and more evocative that way. Prose-wise, I think this chapter might be a little "tell"-y in spots for example. "He made a move to go, and Sam realized he would be alone in this strange place in the Kirian went". Why not, "He made a move to go. 'Wait,' said Sam, 'you can't leave me here alone, I don't know where I am. Help me" etc. or something like that. A lot of the narrative asides in the dialogue could be folded into the dialogue like that. And, I know it's sort of a truism for us amateur writers, but I'll go ahead and point out that you could be a little more judicious with the -ly adverbs. But I'm sure you would go after those in revision without me having to tell you Anyhow, I'm looking forward to seeing what happens to Sam and his friend the bird-man ~NMW

Greetings all, I'm new here, arriving by way of the podcast. I'm NM, I live in Barcelona where I teach English (an experience gratifying and frustrating by turns) and write SF so soft you might call it "science fantasy"(I was an English major). After some time practicing with short fiction (I have one story published, link below), I have finally finished a longer work, a novella (I was shooting for "Great Gatsby", "Fahrenheit 451", "Slaughterhouse 5" territory ie 50K, only made it to 33k). Just finishing the thing has been a learning experience. Now Im curious as to whether you nice folks think it saleable, publishable, intelligible or just horrible. Reading-wise, I grew up on S&S (Conan, the first Drizz't books) and Robert Heinlein (my older sister gave me Stranger in a Strange Land for X-Mas when I was about 11), then kind of stopped reading genre fiction in high school (not counting Kurt Vonnegut of course). I got back into SFF by way of PKD, Ballard, et al. Now here I am. Enough rambling. Shameless self-promotion: https://sites.google.com/a/newmyths.com/nmwebsite/fiction/god-s-plan-for-the-lunar-colony

That's me, I think! Yes, I'd like to go ahead and submit this Monday. The first two chapters of my novella come in at just over 3000 so it won't be too much of a load hopefully.