1. Yeah, I was going to fix that before I posted, I just forgot to.
2. For your first point, her father was super overprotective, she should have learned that years before, I just can't figure out a way to say that without maneuvering away from the story. Secondly, she still doesn't quite believe in humans at this point, plus, she doesn't have any knowledge of them besides stories, so she views them as monsters to be removed. She will realize how wrong she is later in the story. Also, have you read Brandon Sanderson's Reckoners Trilogy? In this:
I think my character's situation is fairly similar...?
3. After you bring this up, I definitely see where you're coming from. That was not a good choice, I'm just not very good at that kind of thing. However, my story does take place in this world, there's just also a portal to a mythical realm.
4. I fixed this, thanks!
You had two 4s. There is something like that. Spoilers for later in the book, though, so don't look unless you don't care about spoilers.
5. I agree that it probably is overdone, but would it work if I instead got rid of the abusive home? Her mother's suicide was the main trauma that I had planned on ever since I got the idea for this story, I only added the abusive home as I wrote this chapter.
Thanks for your input!!! I would love some advice on how to better improve point 2, It's hard for me to think of a way to fix what you brought up without changing the story, especially since I'd still need a way to get June (and, in turn, Cami and Preston) to the human realm.