Spren of Kindness

This is kind of stupid.  And I doubt many people will see it.  But I want, and need, to say this.

I've made myself a persona, on and off the Shard, that is built on being kind.  On being supportive.  On being quiet, and a little bit naive, and a little bit disconnected from the world.  And that quietness and naivete and disconnect is real.  I am that person.  The problem is, being that person can be exhausting.

I want to be a kind person, and I try to be.  Making someone's day brighter is something I love doing.  But it creates a sort of stained-glass window effect.  People see what I want them to see, because it's easier.  It's easier for me to be the happy, smiling person who puts a smile on someone's face when they need it most, than to say 'hey, I could really use something funny or sweet or silly right now'.

It's tiring.  It's isolating.  And when it comes to a head, I feel stuck behind the pretty colored glass that I made.  

And that's where I am now.  It's rough.  But I'm done.  I can't keep pretending that everything is perfect in my life.  Sometimes I feel that way.  My family is great.  My situation in life is good.  So I feel like I shouldn't say anything, even when I can, because there are other people who need the support more, who don't have what I'm so lucky to have.

One of the things I'm lucky to have is the Shard.  There have been countless times where I've been down, and tired, and all I want to do is scream into the forest and then sleep for a week, and I run across a goofy comment in Sharder One-liners, or a interesting tidbit in a book discussion board, or a especially beautiful piece of fanart, or a meme that makes me crack up.

It's not a bad think to be supportive, and I know that.  But what I have to learn is how to be supported.

So thank you.  You all are amazing, amazing people.