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revelryintheart

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revelryintheart last won the day on October 6 2021

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    Greeting fellow humans, human fellas!
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  1. Hey does anyone want to critique on of my BYU application essays?

    Be forewarned I wrote this at like 11 last night so yeah....

    Spoiler

     

    I didn’t notice it immediately--the gradual loss of my vision. I don’t even know when it started. But I do know that by 6th grade, I could barely see out of my right eye. 

    I didn’t tell my parents. Some of my friends would discuss their vision problems, and this made me believe that my lack of perfect vision was normal. I failed to make the connection that they all had glasses. I was at a routine doctor’s exam when I was asked to perform a Snellen eye chart test. First came the left eye--perfect. Then my left eye was covered up. The world instantly turned blurry and indistinct. I was asked to identify as many letters as I could. Looking at the large E on the top row--which was now just a messy blur--I told the doctor that I couldn't see any of the letters. 

    From subsequent doctors visits it was discovered that I had cataracts, one in each eye. This was incredibly rare, as cataracts usually afflict only the elderly. My surgery was scheduled for a year later.

    During that time, I began to appreciate what people with physical disorders go through. There was the obvious aspect of not being able to see, but also social aspects. I would feel isolated from my peers, because, with such a rare condition, no one else could relate to my experience. But because of these trials, I’ve been able to gain a unique empathy for the disabled and the elderly. This has partially shaped my desire to work in the medical field. My grandfather, who was a professor of microbiology at BYU, has also been a source of inspiration for me. I believe that at Brigham Young University’s impressive pre-medical program I can achieve this dream and go on to help and serve others.

    Do you think the ending is to abrupt? And do I need to finish the story (describe the surgery and talk about when I lost my vision in my other eye)?

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Condensation

      Condensation

      Oh. Makes sense!

    3. Truthless of Shinovar

      Truthless of Shinovar

      I’m really don’t know that much about how to judge college essays, but it sounds great! One thing that I would want to know more about (and maybe the college professors too) would be more about your drive and desire to serve in the medical field; it sounds more like something you’re mentioning in passing, and not one of the main reasons you want to go to BYU.

    4. revelryintheart
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