Snakenaps

I am massively jealous. If I had the cash, I'd definitely be following suit. I bet they are going to smell AMAZING and have that fantastic crackle of new binding.

Yo, I know a weird amount about this.

Ah, the joys of revising. I'm going through my own pain and suffering. I feel you. I'd just figure out where you want to go and keep plunging forward, though, rather than get stuck in a perpetual loop of revising the first few chapters. I did that the first several times I tried to start NotK.

So, I started this chapter, got stuck around page six when I thought to myself, "Huh, this seems to be a laundry list for walking a city," and decided to read the other comments to see if I could get a gleam on what was going on. First of all, I'd like to say that I think it is really cool that you tracked N's progress through the city using Google Maps. Have you heard of the Google Earth Project??? I remember Dan Wells saying he does something similar in his books to make sure that he doesn't have some local breathing down his neck. That being said, we don't need every single detail. Instead, I wonder if it would be possible to take the most notable landmark (for instance, the Twin Towers), and spin that into something that can help you give setting while maybe also revealing motivations/plot and give this chapter some arc. For instance, did a bunch of demons make bank when 9/11 occurred? When N looks at the WTC, does she think of all of those desperate people who sold their souls after the event? If something like that occurred, would she think of it as an accounting nightmare, or want to protect people so nothing like that ever happened again? Would she feel panicked, remembering how so many people died, just like she nearly did today? Or would she feel furious and want revenge? Does she see that demon praying on the man and want to save him because of these emotions? You said that you're trying to figure out plot/motivations, and I always find it helps to ask questions and see how a character might respond. For instance, let's take my 9/11 hypothetical. If N thinks of 9/11 as a demon soul accounting nightmare, and her motivation is so that she never has to work so hard again, then how can you overload the demonic system? If N thinks of 9/11 as a tragic event where the aftermath made so many innocent people sell their souls for desperation, what happens when people come under threat again? Is she secretly embezzling souls? Encouraging demons to make hits on those who are the scum of the earth? Same with her friends. They seem to be her link to normal, but don't know about her job. She doesn't seem to think of them as some cover to make herself look normal. What would happen if one of them tried to sell their soul? What about her sister? What's so special about the axe? Can demons lock doors? What can demons do? Anyway, these are just my thoughts, take them or leave them. Hopefully, maybe something in my ramblings will inspire you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This is...an extremely good point... Hmmmm, this could be really fun to play around with. Ir wouldn't steal something valuable as in objects, but what about information??? I could really spin this in a lot of ways... This was a change I literally made about three minutes before I submitted the chapter, and this was made off of a very quick Google research of the advantages of iron. I'd say that iron is definitely stronger than, say, balsa wood, but what woods beat out iron??? Things I know about wood: It is made from a tree. If you make it into a cutting board and cut too many onions without washing the board, everything you cut will then taste like onions. It's not fun to snub your toes on. Please educate me.

This is a Draft Three chapter. The first scene has completely and utterly been rewritten because I thought that the initial one had an out of character reaction from Ir. The ending of the second chapter has also been rewritten, because I'm going to be testing a new plotline on you all. All comments, questions, and feedback welcome!

May I have a slot of Monday, August 3rd? I should have the chapter ready by then.

I agree and disagree. It needs to stay in some form because it is Ir's first real step in beginning to think of the government and its people as separate beings. That the government does things that she doesn't agree with, but that the average citizen is just...a person. Someone who can be a friend. However, I think that this can be moved elsewhere, or at least cut significantly. It definitely is jarring between the reveal scene and the next chapter. I'm giving mean ol' B more screentime than she deserves because, while she will matter in Books 2/3, she gets too much screentime because I just love writing her. She's so unapologetically mean. B is absolutely the kind of person to call the police on some kid's lemonade stand because they didn't have a permit, or be the head-honcho of an evil HOA. I mean, B would be the kind of person who would have a ruler counting the millimeters between a car and a curb just to see if she could ticket them. My first notes of her labeled her as a puppy kicker. This is a bad habit of mine @Robinski got after me for... I'm so good at being repetitive. Room, room, room, room. Internal monologues that repeat forever. The best part of revising is cutting all of this stuff. This is definitely unclear and I need to fix this. She begins practicing tomorrow, but the events are several months off. Thank you @kais!

Yes, yes, yes! Hah! You got it! This brings me joy!!! I glad that this is coming in loud and clear. Actions speak louder than words. That's probably more my love for the BK coming through than anything else... It's going to be fun tidying up Ir's emotions in this scene. I'm literally rewriting the scene at the beginning of the next chapter because she does an out-of-character emotional 360 that'll give you whiplash. I think the problem here is that I love a side character too much, and am giving her more of an emphasis than she deserves. B'll be a pain in the rump a little in Book Two and definitely in Book Three, but right now I'm grinding everything to a halt for a character that needs to be introduced but doesn't need to be known well. She just needs to be a cold wallflower. Thank you @Ace of Hearts !

Dun dun dun!!! Glad it worked for you! Curse word I tested out in Draft Two and am putting in in Draft Three solidly. Comes from their religion, which will be explained better. Putting in normal curse words was incredibly jarring, and I already have a problem with anachronistic phrases. Originally, the scene after this one has Ir says the adult version of "darn" a lot, and it just...didn't fit. I love sweet, ol' P. Don't worry, I have no plans to kill her off After all, I want to be able to illustrate her playing with her grandchild one day! That's me leaking through...What can I say, I love my toothy black unicorn? Thank you @Sarah B !

It is literally my favorite description in the entire book. It comes from a previous, wildly different version of this story from 2017: "In the middle of the cheerful room, the BK stood behind his desk like an ill-omened inkblot." An old idea, I need to cut this. Yes, I need to make this more clear, both to Ir and to the reader. I've got a good opportunity to have an "Oooohhhh, of course!" moment with the reader following along with Ir's realization, but I missed it here. This was also written originally when there wasn't the Revolutionaries, and I didn't change much from Draft One and Draft Two with this scene because there were so many other, worse problems. Yes...and no. He told the truth about how names can change. He lied about his own. But I need to make it very clear he lied to W at least about his own name. How names can change is a foreshadow to Book Two, rather than anything particularly strong here. It's a very subtle hint that his name could have changed to the BK. That he could have fully left behind his past, accepted his role as monarch, and become purely the BK. Instead...he clings to who he was in the past, and therefore his identity and name hasn't changed. The question is...why does he cling to a past he pretends doesn't exist to everyone else? Whoops!!! Thank you!!! I completely agree. I need to hunt down and find all of those odd POV sections and delete them. I need to give him a good polish, and fixing the government will help massively because that is the reflection of his character for so much of the book. In a perfect world, he'll be a solidly grey character, who often wants the right things, but is willing to do whatever he needs to achieve what he believes is the greater good. In floral terms, the BK sees the forest, not the trees, while Ir focuses on her trees and doesn't see the forest. I sometimes have a hard time writing the BK because I'm a solidly Lawful Good kind of person, and he's not... Thank you @shatteredsmooth !

Curse word I tested out in Draft Two and am putting in in Draft Three solidly. Comes from their religion, which will be explained better. Putting in normal curse words was incredibly jarring, and I already have a problem with anachronistic phrases. Originally, the scene after this one has Ir says the adult version of "darn" a lot, and it just...didn't fit. Yup, hypnosis >:D I know this sounds weird, but I'm actually really glad you are confused about this, because Ir is going to be better at being confused about this, and the musicians are definitely going to be confused (and furious) about this. Is there a reason? Yes. Will I need to make sure it is extra clear when it occurs? Yes. Everything right now is making sure Draft Three is clear as crystal, instead of this foggy glass it is right now. Thank you @Turin Turambar !

I've got everything backed up on my laptop, my Google Drive, and a giant mega USB. I also periodically send drafts of my book to four of my emails, since theoretically I could then get the files if my laptop and USB burn in a fire and Google Drive decides to act like my stinkin' website. The worst thing I ever did was get a roll top vintage desk. SO MANY crannies to stuff junk into. I wish I had a screen porch, or a porch at all, but with these 100 degree days, I wouldn't be using it right now anyway. Do you have a view of the lake from your porch??? That is good news!!! Dust fog sounds worse to breath in than fog machine fog.

That's...terrifying... I have a new respect for my phone...

Room room room room It isn't one of my chapters without something to cut XD Would probably help any readers who haven't figured it out have a nice put-the-dots-together moment themselves too... I should add in something with W in the previous chapter that he likes waiting because people tend to say things they shouldn't to end silence, and also that he likes watching people's reactions. As for the writing, the BK has an absolutely painful time sitting still during meetings. Another thing the astute W would notice. He's always got to be doing something, otherwise he gets bored and antsy. He's a multitasker. He needs to be doing something because otherwise he feels awkward, confined, edgy. For all the BK is a king and that involves a lot of paperwork, he actually sucks at having a desk job. I can definitely sneak this in, because it also helps portray him more as a character and less as a figurehead. I need to fix this. It's been driving me nuts as well. It's out of character, and it is a cheap way for Ir to get the information she needs for the winery scene later in the book. Maybe she needs to go on a mission with W, I'm not sure. I just know this doesn't work. Me and my wandering POV issues... Thank you @Mandamon!

Curse. It'll be more obvious in Draft Three when I make everything a little smoother, I hope! The latrines were how Ir and W met in Draft One/Two. I cut that and rewrote it because it was too long, felt cheap, and had none of the BK's manipulations in it. And, yes, she named him when saving his life. This is what is really going to make the musicians furious in Draft Three once they are introduced. The upper management wants miracles, while the workers look at each other in disbelief and go, "That's not how this works at all!" I might have gotten that bitterness from teaching. I'll let you in on the secret. Originally, swearing thrice was the inspiration, much like the iron and silver. However, it evolved because I needed a key way for astute characters to be able to realize when the BK was hypnotizing someone. He's not great at it, mostly because he doesn't use it often (how can you trust someone if you know he might be using magic compulsion on everyone? Not a good PR move), so he needs to use the keyword (a person's name, preferably their true name) to make sure his magic has them "leashed." Now, if we were to run into a magically stronger character...say a Greater Fey...then they wouldn't need to say names three times or ask for the person to listen at all. Thank you @TheDwarfyOne !

I mean, at least it didn't light on fire???

Just a polite reminder that if you haven't backed up your stuff in a while, now's a good time to do so. My website is massively on the fritz, and it's a nice reminder to make sure I've got all of my worldbuilding backed up. Take a page from my book, don't get caught off guard.

Me too??? I shouldn't add more projects but...I'm masochist.

I'm a little short on time tomorrow so I'm sending out my chapter tonight. ... Alright, we're back to Draft Two, although I'm hoping to rewrite Chapter Twelve fast enough to present the Draft Three version of that. All comments, questions, and feedback welcome!

Thank you! I think if I lay a strong, solid foundation in the mundane/civilized/Fey and the Fey history, and redo the governments, this book will end up so much stronger.

I'm so glad that Chapter 9 reads better. Admittedly, this is one of the few times I tried to write a cliffhanger but I'm not sold on it. It feels a bit cheap to me. I normally italicize telepathy. I missed this when I was reformatting from Scrivener. Darn you technology!!! Thank you @Sarah B

You need to help me make sure I do this right, please. I am incredibly outside of my depth here with W. I need you to catch me if I make any ignorant mistakes. I really struggled with the they/them pronouns in Draft One, literally switching whether or not W used he/his or she/her on their POV's in some chapters because I was worried that they/them pronouns made it confusing. I've gained confidence by mimicking how @Mandamon, @kais, and yourself handle different pronouns, genders, and sexualities, but I'm still not sold that I'm pulling this off in a way that will make sure nobody will bat an eye. The fun thing about W is that I myself have absolutely no clue what biological sex W is, or even what W actually looks like. When I finally do their portrait for their character bio on my website, I just want it to be a human shadow falling over a bunch of wigs, jars of makeup, and clothing. I think W, as a spy, is best left to the imagination. I heavily referenced actual recipes and did a lot of research on how to write "food porn." I'm glad it paid off! If anything sounded particularly tasty, I have the recipes running around somewhere. W comes in again, although one of their scenes needs to be rewritten, as it is more third person omniscient than in their head. I worried about the voice, so I'm glad it worked. If everything goes to plan, W will actually take the part as a main character in Book Three. This is a reference to a scene in Draft Three's Chapter Four. I should have put a note, but I forgot. I think I mean sex. The BK, like myself, has no clue what W's biological sex is. W would totally do that one meme where Undertale's Frisk answers, "What's in your pants?" with "Determination!" Heh heh heh. *sigh* Yes. I completely agree. It would really strengthen the chapter as a whole. Thanks @shatteredsmooth

Cupidines are my own creation. They're this world's version of angels, I suppose. The trick is cupidine. They're just humans with wings and claws for feet, essentially. Here's my illustration for that jerk of a secretary. In Chapter Two, a certain unicorn decides he is going to send W to find out more about Ir. In the rewritten Chapter Four, I finds it hard to find work because it seems she is being sabotaged, and her father mentions meeting a person who asked a lot of questions about Ir. My fault, due to this being a Draft Three chapter referencing other Draft Three chapters. BK is slow to trust anyone. I need to put in that W has been working for the BK for nearly a decade. A long history of successes has brought W to a very tight knit circle. I need to make this more clear. The BK is lying so W won't realize Ir actually knows the BK's real name. It also lays the foundation that names can change, which becomes vital in Books Two and Three. Actually, the crystals are first mentioned in Chapter Two, but I can't remember if that is in Draft Two or Draft Three... This is a great idea. If you want to read the previous chapters, PM me anytime. I always need it! Thank you @Turin Turambar and @Ace of Hearts !

I completely agree, because it throws off that certain chapter with the pamphlets terribly. Both come into play again, although the role of the kitchen needs to get pushed into brighter light in the end. W is most likely going to be a major character in Book 3, but that's hard to say considering how dramatically this story has changed from Draft One to now. It should be, whoops. That was my mistake from copying it over from Scrivener. I've got a lot I want to do with this in this book, considering it is key to Book 2... Thanks @Mandamon