AubreyWrites

So much this - parallels my thoughts almost exactly

Isn't the first half of the Wit epilogue pretty much exactly Brandon's answer to this thread? Lol you are so right...I had to go back and read it again....feeling kind of stupid right now

I totally agree- I was just curious if he had ever addressed this question at some point.

Hmm- yeah I figured he doesn't write to the whims of the masses but I do wonder if he looks on some of these comments (not necessarily this thread of course) and thinks "huh- I didn't realize I was doing this or that when I wrote it this way it I didn't realize it was coming across this or that way" I'm sure a lot of stuff he does is foreshadowing and little Easter eggs for those crazy obsessives (Points to self) but no writer is perfect and no work is ever completely perfect so it stands to reason that we fans and readers can take something and totally run with it in a direction he didn't intend us to go. I just wondered if he monitored forums like this to see if we all go the way he intended us to or if comments bring up stuff he hadn't actively intended or thought about.

So this question is most likely answered somewhere and I just don't know where- do we know if BS keeps an eye on these forums? And if so, has he ever admitted to adjusting his plans according to what he has found?

On Kaladin being the ' passioate bad boy choice' - seriously right ??! Right? In what world is he considered the 'bad boy'? Other than just being a super awesome warrior dude The only thing I can come is that Shallan's ingrained prejudices that she was raised with that dark eyes are lower class ( and thus from the wrong side of the tracks so to speak) are peaking out and she doesn't really even realize it. After all she spent most of their acquaintance knowing him as nothing more than the dark eyed captain of the guard not the Radient. And at at the risk of spinning off on a tangent, I have to address the comment on Navani....whhhhhatt??? If we are tallying what people deserve then I don't think there are very many people, fictional or otherwise who really get what they deserve- for good or bad. Dalinar has some serious baggage....he spent MOST of his life being the BAD guy. His redemption arc does not negate all the horrible bad awful choices he has made. Now don't get me wrong- OB really fleshed out Dalinar for me and I love his arc. It is completely gut wrenching and inspiring to watch his transformation from (let's face it) sociopathic mass murderer to someone worthy of becoming Unity. I have a whole rant on why Navani would have been a bad choice for him on his younger days but since he made the effort to turn himself into a better man I think it's more more accurate to say that Dalinar had finally made himself worth having a relationship with. Why not Navani? She provides him what he needs now and for some odd reason she has always wanted him. Again- didn't mean to hijack the conversation away from its intended thread- just had to comment on that real quick.

I don't necessarily agree with the idea that Kaladin doesn't have the patience/empathy to deal with Shallan's issues Regardless of romantic connection. We have ample proof in both WoK and WoR of both patience and empathy and a discerning ability to help other people. Bridge 4 is perhaps the largest sample size. Through patience and determination he pulled them back from dispair. Just the act of instituting a daily meal shared together is one example of nudging them in the right direction rather than forcing cohesion. Just because we normally see him as character in motion and in midst of awesome choreography doesn't mean he is the hammer whose every problem is a nail. He is a fairly self aware person who is not afraid of conflict even when that conflict is internal. (That doesn't mean he solves it - just that he isnt afraid of confronting it) i took the fade comment as layered, both a soggy teenage profession of love and has maybe an unconscious self truth that the Shallan he knows - the incomplete fragmentation of her psyche that she has chosen to cling to as her main persona is not stable enough to remain in control unless Adolin is here to enable it. Not counting how wrong this is on so many levels this isn't going to work long term. If a wooden box breaks you can glue it back together and set it in clamps until the glue drys and the box is usable again. It's ok for Adolin to be the clamps- the support/comfort she needs while she glues herself back together ....but she wants ADOLIN to be the glue. That's not gonna fly for long- especially when Adolin doesn't even know how many pieces he is supposed to be holding together

Ok so I seriously laughed when I read this My negative reaction had less to do with Shallan making the wrong choice (or the right choice for some) or even bemoaning the seeming liklihood of this particular plot thread being wrapped up like a present then it does with this thread feeling like it was wrapped like a present from a 3 year old. I think many of us is are afraid that yes this WAS the wrap up of this plot thread. I don't honestly care at this point which one she chooses (or at all for that matter - girl needs some serious 'me' time) even though in eventuality at this point with all the build up and hints and interactions I still prefer Shalladin as endgame. I don't even mind if this is just one of those bad decisions (for many reasons) that every that everybody grows/changes from. Bad decisions are still decisions that factor into the growth of a character. What worries me is what I feel as broken promises to the reader in the form of skipping all these potentially character growing interactions that either A) where skipped over completely or B ) happened off screen and are just referred to - thus hanging the reader out to draw in terms of any sort of emotional payout. I can wait until the next book(s) to get some sort of closure or development - it's the worry that since scenes we THOUGHT would would be banking in that meaniful interaction were cut/nonissue/off screen ( I.e. Sadeas murder/ Kaladin return and Shallan reaction to heleran/ flight to Thaylen/Shallan response to Kaladin losing it in Shadesmar/ Adolin thoughts AT ALL in regards Shallan...) in the FUTURE this may not be addressed as an issue Granted this book is enormous, not everything can make it in. I get that. But a well crafted scene doesn't have be pages and pages long. And these hints and build ups implied a payoff in some form that Just. Didn't. Happen. =Frustrated feeling a little like a childlike Syl when Kaladin starts breaking his Oaths- still trust BS but bond is a little bruised right now.

It has been several years since I posted on these forums but I feel like I kinda had to in order to crystallize the source of my dissatisfaction with OB and it really boils down to this plot line. Let me clarify that I really liked this book. Not my favorite but I really did enjoy it. I will admit that I was a hardcore Shalladin Shipper in WoR. That chasm scene....one of the best scenes of the book for me. Someone else on here quoted it as being subtly romantic and expertly crafted. I loved it because it takes 2 people who,yes are attracted to each other, and then builds a meaningful connection between them. Add in all the other build up of matching up intellectually and physical attraction and I was set for them to be an eventuality even if it is a slow burn. ( I actually prefer slow burns) HOWEVER, I was not opposed to having my mind changed to favor Shalodin if done properly. Changing my mind on Wax's choices felt natural as the build up to those choices felt very natural. I can't say that I felt this was properly done at all. Which makes me think it's NOT done. There are just too many things that don't add up. First , like others have stated this didn't really feel like a triangle at all- more an exercise in exposing Shallan's fragmentation as a person. I wanted some actual meaningful interaction between Shallan and Kaladin. I'm not even talking romantic stuff - just meaningful. We got one coversation in the whole book which Shallan immediately misconstrues. I thought - maybe their interaction after she finds out about Heleran...but no she immediately shoves that aside and then dismisses it as 'he was just doing his job.' This would seem like a super mature rational stance to take. I can see Jasnah responding like this and actually meaning it. Mature, super rational - words I don't think anyone can really use to describe Shallan at this point. Instead we get bouts of unexplainable rudeness/cruelty towards Kaladin (unresolved issues much?) then the trip to Thaylen - it's just the 2 of them- perfect opportunity for some sort of interaction. ANY interaction. Completely skipped over. It makes sense for Kaladin to not pursue her at all. She's in a causal. His oaths are based on honor. Even if he feels attraction he's not ever going to act on it until she has the freedom to do the same. Even more so now that she's married so i figure this part of the triangle is done until something changes If I could figure it how to copy/past others comments in here I would totally do so to show aspects of why I still prefer shalladin over shalodin - but at this point I'm worried for Adolin. Poor guy is getting shafted. Not only is much of his own character issues not dealt with (wandering eyes/ big fish little pond swap/ self styled murderer...) he has now entered a relationship where his primary role will be support staff for a girl (she's what supposed to be barely 18?) who has MASSIVE mental health issues that he has no idea how to deal with and he is flying blind in not knowing her history or where these issues are coming from and she shows no inclination to tell him. The fact that the only thing she CONSIDERS telling him about is the Ghostbloods and she can't even do that as her "primary aspect.... Shallan is super broken and at least 1/3-2/3rds of herself doesn't actually choose him. Veil wants Kaladin and Radient is pragmatic. Radient leans towards Kaladin as well but once the Adolin decision is made she upholds it. The 1/3 "Shallan" part that does choose him is based in need for stability and lust. This isn't going to end well for them both unless something drastically changes. That's not to say that this won't be the basis for their struggles in future - and that's fine. Whose to say that this superficial relationship can't deepen in next couple books. I'm just really really unhappy about the journey to this point of the destination. Its like watching a cooking show where the promised objective is to make a lovely steak dinner and by the time the show is over all they have done is boil water for Mac n cheese...what???....why did I watch this? I have to hope this is not the complete resolution for these people's interactions with each other - it just doesn't make sense.

I like this chapter. For the most part the explanations of the symphony make sense. The picture I have in my mind of how your magic system works is based on some sort of cosmic vibration? At least that's how it's coming across to me. like sound waves or vibration waves on a quantum level or something. Anyways it was simple and easy to follow. It did take me a few minutes to remember who Councilor Ayama was- it didn't click until a page later that it was Rilan. We've been introduced to so many characters in the last couple chapters that i didn't remember her second name was Ayama. pg. 2 - He’s a spry old man, I’ll give him that, Sam thought I think you could probably drop this dialogue tag. I don't know why but it just pulled me out of the story. We know it's Sam thinking, you don't have to tell us here. Also when you speak of the Cult of Form, it feels like some of their culture is based in fundamentalist middle eastern practices - black burkas and what not. And that Ori views them in not such a good light. I don't know if it was your intention or not for Ori's distaste for them or their culture to link back so directly to groups back here on earth but that is the connection that I made. If that WAS your intention - then ok, but if not, then i wanted to let you know the conclusions me as a reader were jumping to. I am very curious about Enos. I have a feeling she is REALLY not all she says she is. so good job telegraphing that. Looking forward to the next chapter!

i like this version much better. Sam's agoraphobia is so much more believable as is Rilan's block in his mind. I wonder- can he feel the block? like if he starts to panic it just all of a sudden puts a check on him or is he just completely numb to it? Just an idle question. I still think any normal person would freak out a little more physically in the beginning.(i.e. backing up into the wall to get away, jerking back in fear...ect) upon the realization that the person they're with isn't human. It's a natural automatic reaction to recoil from the strange and unfamiliar. I also like the additional dialogue around the star map. Sam acts just like an average american with limited astrology experience. Very believable. I like it because he's actually trying to offer the most useful information possible. He's not stupid- just has inadequate info. It adds to the depth of the story-making your characters smart but not good enough.

Thanks for catching the tense issue. You are correct. I will go back and fix it. On her nicknames. Many people have variations on their names or nicknames. Alex is trying to be severe so her formalizes her nickname a little to impress that upon her. Thanks for the feedback!

So looking for all the usual stuff. Character building, world building, structure/plot issues. When I submitted chapter 2 it had an awful info dump-which i have since removed. This will be the first time therefore that we really get a little bit of a sense of the history of the world. How does it work? Is it a little better? Thanks!

can i submit as well?

Mandamon, This comment made me laugh- I guess personal experience has paid off! That's totally what I was going for and I am glad it came across. You are correct. He was not an accident. Funny you say that.....I'm pretty sure when I first wrote this scene a couple years ago I was going through a lizard phase where I was always cold....lol Thanks for the input!

lol looking through your pronunciations - apparently I'm weird. I say it "meth-EYE-mum" and "o-RIH-gon.

ok, I will try and go chronologically. I like Rilan's PoV. I am interested in her, (finally) and I like the set up with Enos. - I'm assuming we will be seeing more of Enos? Page 1: This little curse kinda brought me out of the story for just a moment- Origon's not technically a man right? I mean he's got feathers sprouting where hair should be right? This was my thought process when I read that part. "wait a second-I don't think he's a man, right? But I don't really remember what he looks like either...i think he has feathers?...maybe I should flip back and look...eh, I'm too lazy - ok let's get back to the story." I think you have a fun opportunity to come up with an original descriptive curse that is memorable/maybe slightly funny and re-affirms some of Origon's physical characteristics. i.e "Curse his feathery mustache!" (Obviously, you know him better than I do because all I remember is that he has a mustache made of feathers) Just a thought. Page 2: I think sequence would be stronger if you dropped the second sentence. You have already intimated that Rilan is going to manipulate Enos to see what makes her tick a couple sentences before this when she wondered how to best make use of Enos's attachment. Spelling out for the reader that she was trying a physiological tactic is redundant and I feel is telling rather than showing. By cutting that one sentence I think it makes her frustration stronger because the reader can infer for themselves that what she just tried didn't work. Again, just a thought. Page 3: I know I keep harping on this, but I'm just not buying Sam in this first part of his scene. I'm assuming that Sam's present day on Earth is fairly close to ours right? In which case, the term 'Master' isn't just an academic term- it almost has a dirty connotation. In our day and age it's sooo in-politically correct to refer to someone as inferior (I don't want you to be confused as me attacking you for using it or anything- it fits your story) but that in our world people get really offended if it's implied that they aren't equal to someone. And yet Sam is surprisingly chill about the whole thing. He's just taking everything into stride sooooo well. If I didn't know better I'd think he was medicated! I mean he just figured out a little while ago that he's not even in his own galaxy anymore! and now his entire existence is to be governed by a weird pompous alien? He's already skipped to 'can the Nether replace my home'- as if accepting that he my never see it again, Not fearing that he may never see it. I think I could accept his persona a lot better if Sam were actually following the stages of Grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining,Depression, Acceptance) at losing his aunt and home and incorporating his fear of the future. Obviously not every person displays these stages in the same way or for the same amount of time, but people DO go through them after suffering something and I think Sam would be made stronger as a character if we could see him struggling with some of these things. Not to say he has to be overwhelmed by them ( although I don't think it would be far-fetched to be overwhelmed by being ripped from your home, watching your aunt die, finding out that there ARE aliens...and oh wait, you aren't even in your galaxy anymore, and now you don't even really control your own life anymore because you have a master (alien master!) that will dictate your every move for what looks like years to come!) I like his sense of wonder but people can be very contradictory within themselves. He can still be terrified -or whatever and still have that sense of 'this is so cool!' People are complex creatures! I really like the further description of the Nether. Very cool and well done in describing it. The floor was really interesting to read. Page 5: Sam's reaction to the start map was fantastic. We are finally seeing some of the cracks in him from his agoraphobia. Great scene. Very well done. The star map reminded me of Titan A.E. and Stargate Atlantis. Can't wait to read next week's chapter!

So looking for all the usual stuff. Character building, world building, structure/plot issues. Also, I am really curious about my character voices. Writing them as children and then as adults (or in Rowana's case -teenager), how am I doing on that score? Am I doing it right? Does anything seem off? And how is my structure coming across- having an interlude at the beginning of each chapter? Just looking for thoughts on how this is coming across to readers! Thanks!

I would like to submit please.

I got my first inkling during this paragraph. A singularity that debates the morality of destroying it's own creation? Don't worry, it's great. It doesn't give it away or anything. This is a very good use of foreshadowing the decisions to come. I don't know if you meant to do it intentionally or not but it works very well. :)/> minions! I love it! tiny angels By the first sentence I knew absolutely what you were going to do, but it's close enough to your actual revelation that it doesn't ruin it for me. I really think it's a plot twist well done.

Thanks for the notes! Mandamon: It's actually twilight. I tried to convey that the sense of deepening darkness was accentuated by the shadows of the buildings. so it's not true dark yet. many people don't flip on their headlights until it gets really dark. maybe i should clarify this though. And I'm afraid you probably won't be learning anything else about the thugs as they aren't central to the story- but may get a passing reference but not much else. Sorry :/ This is actually a left over remnant from a previous revision that slipped my notice. So yeah...it doesn't make much sense. Thanks for catching it. As for your other notes- I've already applied them! Thanks! Syme: The purpose of illustrating this particular piece of back story wasn't necessarily to focus on the danger. Rather it was to illustrate the development of Rowana/Elizabeth dynamic and also to give the reader insight into the development and struggles Elizabeth has in learning to control her burgeoning Talent by seeing it through someone else's eyes. Also this particular sequence does have an effect on Rowana and in the development of her character and her motivations. The reader just hasn't really seen it yet. Also I don't think it's too terrible a coincidence that Bleys and Alex showed up. After all, Elizabeth and Rowana WERE late in meeting them which would have prompted them to start looking and the girls were already headed to the meeting spot. It makes sense that the boys would be close and could have conceivably heard the struggle and the scream. I confess I'm not sure why you are confused over this paragraph. Could you be a little more specific? I'll keep the pt font preference in mind. As for the other formatting notes. Thanks for the tips. You are absolutely right. I need to fix those. When I next do my big edit of past chapters I will keep that in mind. Thanks for the feedback!

I don't really have any criticism for these two chapters. I really thoroughly enjoyed them. Nothing really pulled me out of the scene. I enjoyed Origon's pomposity and the fact that while he is incredibly intelligent he's so obtuse. Rilan is more interesting to me now. I really like Sam- although I still think he should be having a little bit more trouble with his agoraphobia and the fact that he's on a completely different planet-inside a living organism-type thing... with aliens running around... when he hasn't spent much time around anyone so mundane as 'humans' of late. Kudos to "Mandamon's" cameo I'm really looking forward to the next chapter!

This is actually my favorite thing I have read by you since I joined RE. Your style, which is usually fairly abrupt, really fits this story. My favorite bits are all center around your singularity of course. i pretty much agree with Mandamon on everything about the singularity- although I puzzled out the conclusion to become God- it was still enjoyable to watch it. Ok here are the things I didn't like. The language. I don't mind language when it's called for in a scene if it helps that scene in someway. I felt like Jun's injudicious use of language actually harms the scene. Yes I get that he's angry and super frustrated but maybe saving some of those words to use as accents while finding another way for him to express his anger would make them all the more effective. Reading Jun's scenes the way they are now is like being at a sushi restaurant and sprinkling a few drops of soy sauce on you wasabi instead of carefully adding your wasabi to the soy sauce. It's too hot to let any flavor through. It really pulled me out of the scene. Second: I'm not a fan of this transition. I don't think you need to break for it. Jun could just stare in frustration at the clock (to get your time) and then gaze out across the city to the skyline of the city or something and take note of a certain building... I don't know. I just know that this particular segment is jolting and a little bit confusing. And then we drop into first person PoV for the singularity and we are still trying to reconcile all the reason for your other PoV's jumps. Third: I have noticed that you use the verb "was" a lot in your writing. While it's a perfectly good verb to use, the over use of it in your writing dulls your sentences. It starts to get repetitive and a little boring. I had this problem when first starting out. A good exercise that helped me was to pick a paragraph and allow myself one use of the word was. Every other sentence had to be changed to use a different verb to convey my thought. It really allowed me the opportunity to grow in vocabulary and putting different words together to express more precisely my thought and made it more interesting to read. Just a thought. All in all I really liked this concept and for the most part your execution!

sorry it took me so long to reply to your question. ok, the first thing that struck me is the lack of detail. I know it's a short but but using a few specific details that are unique to Greece (Laurium in particular) will really help solidify your location. you speak of 'low hanging galleries' and 'barracks' but honestly that could be set pretty much anywhere. There's nothing really grecian about the story other than the names. The other thing is the use of contractions. Contractions are a 20th century thing. You kinda fall out of PoV here. He was a soldier so why would he stop referring to what he himself used in battle and revert back to what "Greeks" use. It feels a little generic. A really good example of historical fiction is Naomi Novik's In Her Majesty's Service. It's set during the Napoleonic Wars and follows a British Officer...but there are dragons in this universe-domesticated and used for battle. Her use of detail and writing style are so authentic that it makes you think "wow, this could really have been an alternate history....if we had dragons of course." Check it out if you have time.

Hello All, This is chapter 4 of Moonstruck. Previously In Moonstruck: Prologue: Elizabeth and her family escape from the Lunar Colony back to Earth when they are just children. Their parents die in the attempt. Chapter 1: Introduced to Elizabeth and Family 15 years later as they living in hiding in a small mountain ski town. Bleys and Elizabeth are an item. Elizabeth is a ski instructor. Chapter 2: Flashback - In the shuttle 4 year old Elizabeth freaks out and Bleys comforts. Present Day -Elizabeth teaches ski lessons and injures herself while meeting a mysterious stranger on the slopes who assaults her and then helps her down the mountain. Chapter 3: Flashback-Alex's first use of Talent. Present Day -1 week later. Elizabeth goes to town with Alex and runs into New Guy in the coffee shop. He offers to give her a lift to the doctor which she reluctantly accepts. So looking for all the usual stuff. Character building, world building, structure/plot issues. Apparently I have issues with pacing so if you see anything in particular that sticks out let me know. Thanks!