Channelknight Fadran

@Vapor

"If you're taking her, then you're taking me, too."

Fadran seethes as he looks at the green holed, but with a few deep breaths he manages to compose himself. "Just let my friends go," Fadran says, "and we'll be on our way." @xinoehp512

"I'd love to all be friends, but this fella..." Fadran gestures at the green holed, "thinks that he can just freeze Nathrangking and conquer my home planet."

Fadran cocks his head. "Soon rule thine land? Excuse me, is this thirteenth century England? And also... WHAT do you think you're DOING, trying to conquer my home? I'll have you know that the people of my home world don't take lightly to invaders. We literally fought off an army of gods once."

Fadran looks down, frowning. "I don't recommend trying to drop somebody who can control gravity." He steps off over the segment, then abruptly swings his sword to try and take off the holed's head.

"Um, how about... no." Fadran says, stepping forwards. He takes to lying to try and save the others' skins. "These are my servants. I bought them off the Outer Realms of the Cyroverse for no small price, so release my servant-deity and allow us to go about our business--" He steps to the green holed, summoning his Channelblade. "Unless you would like this sword through your kidneys."

Fadran continues gawking. "Workers? Drones? Hives? Celebrities? Magical bridges? This place keeps getting better and better!" Fadran playfully elbows Elaine in arm. "If you're a celebrity, then can I get your autograph? I haven't collected anyone's name in awhile."

Fadran wonders how he's supposed to put himself back in the story.

I HAVE BEEN SUMMONED!!! ... What is this place?

"No problem. Not everybody has to be a fighter." Fadran says, then realizes that it wasn't just Ene that he was talking about.

If all else fails, you could just say that a bunch of slaves work on the surface.

"So... what are the odds I could research your planet?"

Fadran Forges a Spirit Bond to Enter a Username, drawing upon the magic of Drakefell to feel at his mind. He winces at what he sees. Wow. Icona remarks. That is messed up. Tell me about it. Fadran replies. I don't know what I can do about that.

"It's one of the many forms of magic in the Iconar Collective. It comes with Sight, Smell, Touch, Sound, and Taste. It requires opening your mind to another person and accessing their thoughts. Experienced users--unlike myself--can even control other people. I would barely be able to tell what's going on in there."

Fadran knits his brow. "I could try... Mind Illusion. It could at least let me see inside there and check to see if I can fix anything."

"Well, he had a fight with a bunch of croven--whatever those are--and then we went Universe-hunting, which led us to a cave where we fought a bunch of batthings and then these people!" He gestures to the holed and Elaine. "But now we're buddies."

Fadran frowns. "Re...guy? Rekar? Rekabe. Rekaraeab... Rekaerb! That's your name! Hello!"

Gotcha. Immediate approval. Drafts are, indeed, important. You do you, and good luck!

I just read through all of it, and I'm going to provide you with my B-Grade editing protocol (because C-Grade is too boring and you do not want my A-Grade). If I'm ignoring the writing itself (which was generally really good, with just a couple nitpicks here and there), then the only thing I feel like we're missing is some exposition. You've made a mistake that I like to call "Hookcrafting," where rather than taking time to develop your characters through the first few "boring" chapters, you've opted to start right off with conflict. Some chapters with June, her father, and her friend Cami would be great (show the friendship between June and Cami, don't tell it). Some attachment between June and her mother would really develop June's response to learning how her mother died in the first place. Perhaps make Preston a little more hardened, more battle-worn, and less susceptible to surprise. Meanwhile, with Gracie, Derek, and Matthias--perhaps start with Gracie and Derek knowing each other, hanging out, etcetera. In fact, you might want to introduce Derek and Matthias seperately through Gracie's point of view of them. She considers Matthias as just a friend, and [insert how she views Derek because I have no idea what she thinks of him]. It might be more effective to show Derek's awkwardness around her when they're hanging out, to build an implied crush, and not a narratively factual one. In Gracie's chapter, you describe how she has some crushing PTSD, and how she doesn't have many friends, but in the other chapters she doesn't show that at all. Expand on how she tries to hide her PTSD under a layer of fun and laughter (did I just write that sentence?). You might also want to give us a reason why Gracie doesn't like the nurse. After that, you can use the school as a lynchpin (did I spell that right? I don't think I spelled that right). Develop some connections between the reader and the characters, give us a reason to want to interact them. Currently, I'm not particularly interested in what's going to happen when Cami and Derek run into each other, or June and Gracie. Build on each character, expand on the world, provide some conflict after exposition, and then pull the "Cylmark High School" card on us to link them all together, and BOOM! HOOK! So there you go... peer-editing. Sincerely, -Channelknight Fadran

Fadran blinks in awe at the cavern. "WOW. Now this is an impressive Universal entryway!"

I've decided to finally post some of my writing for my long-fought book series "The Iconar Collective." All feedback is appreciated! Soldiers and Orphans: Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter IX Chapter X: Chapter XI: Chapter XII: Chapter XIII Chapter XIV: Chapter XV: The Noble and Nobles: Chapter XVI: Chapter XVII: