ginger_reckoning

Thanks again for reading. So for this one, I'm submitting a section that will ultimately be largely rewritten because I've decided to get rid of the whole wager thing, or at least change it enough that this will be different. Anyway, I'm keeping it because there is one scene that I think I'll keep a version of regardless. I mainly want to know if the characters are making sense here, if it feels contrived that this information is being revealed here, and if the reactions make sense overall. Tags for depression/passive suicidal ideation Also just a note I didn't include in the email, I estimate that I will have close to ten more subs after this one, so slowly but surely making it towards the end!

Yeah, I think you're right. So much as I think these scenes were fun to write, I think this page count might be better spent elsewhere. I think getting to the confrontation with the dragon sooner will be better for the pacing. I think what I might try is still having them both mention their viewpoints as before, and may even keep the argument about becoming strong (in a different context) but have this section focus more briefly on them gathering allies and A getting a darker mindset through some other event

I would also like a slot please!

Yeah, all this is pretty much exactly what I was afraid of haha. Like I said, this is one of the first scenes I wrote for the book, and I would really love at least the idea behind it to stay in the story in some form. Basically my idea behind it is that throughout the course of this competition, A and S flip their viewpoints 180, culminating with them visiting a camp of cursed individuals that leads to A being really depressed, S's worldview being shattered right before having to fight the dragon. Which, they then fail spectacularly at, so they can finally agree to see past their mutual hatred for a while to work together. Anyway, the debate isn't really supposed to be settled so I didn't give it much actual narrative weight since for me its not really the debate that is the focus. Like, my point here rather is to show that such a debate is meaningless since the world isn't good or bad. I can see how that would make this hard to read though. I wonder if a debate scene like this might work better after they face the dragon and have a little more respect for each other? As more of a like semi-friendly contest rather. Or if this scene just doesn't add enough to be in here.

I'm excited to see what happens next! I think this is good setup, though I think that maybe the emotional development with the foster mom goes a little quickly, considering this is her first in-person appearance. But idk might just be me, and there's not a lot of time for that here. I also think that there was some information brought up like we were supposed to know what they were talking about, and I think J actually is making a few assumptions about the labyrinth's plan here, when I assume the narrative will probably reveal his guess to be correct. But overall, very hype, and I am excited to see how they are going to beat this thing! Pg2 not sure what she means by control facility here. So she was able to escape, but never came to see him or anyone else? Confused Pg 3 “show them a cartoon villain” this feels a little on the nose haha Pg 4 “questioning look” it seems like J is assuming a lot about her question from just her look, when she could for instance be wondering why he’s using a knife and not say, a sword or a baseball bat Pg 5 So J was chosen? Chosen for what though? That isn’t exactly clear right now. And how did she know that before choosing to take him in? Pg 6 again not sure if control center has been explained before “With more awareness” I think it might sound better to just say “more awareness than it should have” I think he’s assuming that the labyrinth even has a main “essence” since this is the first we are hearing of this concept Pg 7 oh I forgot N was her husband. Yeah, that would be really traumatic. Pg 12 “hope rather than fear” nice Pg 15 “Heat behind be towards” should be “me” I think. Also, I feel like the clauses of this sentence should be switched around a little to avoid confusion I’m not sure if I’m supposed to know what the device had been modified to. I’m guessing some kind of punishment device?

Hey congratulations! That's awesome, I hope it's going well for you

Some tags this time for implied abuse, not detailed. Hey! This is one of the first sections I thought up, so I want to keep it but I am still worried that it might not work. Mainly just looking for general notes, maybe for ways to make it more engaging or any inconsistencies. Thanks again!

You're all good! Hope things have been going well.

I'll take a spot this week please!

This is pretty good set up for the conclusion of the book! As for suggestions, I like how the doppleganger coming after J shakes things up and heightens the stakes, and the conversation provided some good answers for the questions raised in the book, with good connections to the themes. As for the segment with P, like I noted below, the praying sections comes across as a little odd for P. I know it's a reference, but to me it seems like they are praying to J and that's what gives them strength. But story wise, I think it's fine to still have P need J's help here. If you're looking for suggestions, it might make it interesting to have J say helpful things but ultimately fail to know how to help, which causes the labyrinth to target him instead. So when P has to step in to save J by reminding him of how he can also accept help the way he's been helping people, they realize that they can still save people, which makes them overcome their own mental block and escape. Idk if that's too convoluted or changes the character of J or P too much from what you had planned, but it's just my suggestion As for the dynamic in chapter 27, I really like it. I think J might be a little too admiring of this thing, which I note below, but other than that I think it's cool Okay, going full giygas mode I respect it “I can use it against you” I mean correct me if I’m wrong but it seemed like the other dopplegangers had some level of control over the reality they’re in “It’s right” i think the word “correct” might be better here because for a second I thought J meant it was, like, “good” Pg 3”Poor kid must be” I mean, again, it kind of has a point haha Pg 5 So I don’t understand here, is P calling the hotline for themself or volunteering there? You know I never really thought of it, but this thing basically is asking people to kill themselves, and even uses some of the same arguments as suicidal ideation, such as “people would be better off without you”. Something to keep in mind I guess Pg 6 I’m a little confused what is meant by the background advancing and attacking. Since its a physical space the background is like the sky, right? I guess it makes sense that its supposed to be a little incomprehensible but I have a hard time envisioning the action. Also the line “each time they rise” makes it seem like maybe this attack is happening multiple times at once? “Straight” oh yeah I thought this was the doppleganger talking at first, it is surprising haha Referencing the prayer moment makes sense, but yeah I’m with J here, P didn’t strike me as religious so if you didn’t know the context this would probably seem to come out of nowhere Pg 8 oh sh*t he’s got a gun! (fr tho this definitely is a huge raise of stakes here, it’s very alarming considering everything has been not really all that physically dangerous so far. Not in a bad way) Pg9 Yeah, I was thinking they were working on a lot of assumptions “I never get the simple cases” hold on, so there’s an entire agency of unethical transdimensional doppleganger therapists? Haha that’s awesome Pg 11”you get adults these days” I think using “people” instead of “Adults” might make it sound more natural (and as a bonus show it doesn’t view children as people yet. Of course natural might not be what you’re going for with this thing) “Created by” Yeah I was not expecting this answer Oh my god the soviets??? (That’s actually kind of cool/funny) I mean homophobia makes sense from it, especially considering it was literally created by the silent generation and baby boomers. It’s still kind of funny that it almost convinced J to empathize and then was like “Why are you gay?” haha “Not ll that different from all the orders” First of all, might want to describe what the DSM acronym stands for at some point, I don’t remember if its been mentioned in the story already. And given the direction this book has taken so far, I think it’s important to clarify that this conclusion should mean that some of the disorders should not be classified as such, rather than saying being queer should be classified as a disorder. As in, some of these sentences read like he’s agreeing with the premises of behavioral therapy rather than analyzing them from an outside perspective and rejecting them, which seems to be what you’re going for I think it would be interesting if they solved the problem by convincing the doppleganger otherwise, but Idk if that’s the direction its going since they seemed to be mutually baffled by each other Oh hell yeah this is cool at the end

Personally I thought the reference was fine. It's not all that intrusive and makes sense since its informed by MP's psychology. As for the dynamic between J and P, I'm not sure if I have solid advice. It seemed like P is definitely knowledable, and they fall back into discussions of psychology, but it basically feels like a teacher student conversation. It does contrast a little with the rest of what's going on, since we are going from fantastical action to a frank discussion that definitely feels educational in tone. Sorry that's not very helpful, but if you have any specific notes about what exactly you find unsatisfying about their dynamic, I may be able to help more Pg 1 “trying to keep then here” should be “them” I wonder if the reason why J has been so special all along is because he actually is an impostor? Idk Oh haha I know the reference you are talking about Pg 2 “sea of glowing a” I think the “a” should be removed. Btw, soft purple what? Does it look like water? I remember this part from earthbound but it might not be obvious to people who haven’t played. Okay, later I see it is confirmed to be water Assuming that J hasn’t played earthbound either since he doesn’t recognize anything Pg3 I always forget about the timer. I know that it is supposed to provide a stakes so they have to do it in a certain amount of time, but the emotional stakes have always been more interesting, I forget they can get stuck there until its brought up again Pg 4 “support PSI” I know this is taking it from earthbound, but phrasing it as “support” makes it sound even more video-gamey. Like, I would be impressed with healing powers in real life and wouldn’t really call it support but that’s just me Pg 7 “more energetic and engaging” I think this kind of answers this question, because MP views this as an insecurity Pg 9 “leap behind a statue” I think should be “the statue” Also, I’m surprised J doesn’t consider summoning something other than a knife that might be better at destroying the statue, like a hammer or something Pg14 “Read S’s fiction” I was confused about the tense of the word “read” here. Might be better to say “He read S’s fiction” Hahaha I love the porky mech at the end

Hey all! Thanks for reading and sorry for the delay, thanks for reading anyway. Just so you know, I decided to skip a chapter since last time. It was pretty short, only 6 pages, but basically it had A talking with D about the events of the previous night and how they were going to try to keep it more professional, then making a plan for what to do next. She also drank a potion to make her bones hurt even worse as a punishment for herself. In this chapter, this is leading into one of the first scenes I came up with for this story, so I want to include it but I feel like it's abrupt, it doesn't come up naturally, or it's just too goofy. Any thoughts are appreciated. Tags are for language and mild sexual references. Thanks!

I have thoughts similar to ace of hearts here, mainly that I thought C kind of lacked much of anything to do in these chapters. She tried to investigate, but it didn't seem like that really did much to reveal information, and then she was just lying there having stuff happen to her for the rest of the scene. Other than that, I liked the chapter with M and it will be interesting to see what happens with the V now that he has met C. Thanks for submitting! Pg1 Possibly weekly-reading-syndrome, but I forgot what her plan was Pg 2 Oh, interesting, I didn’t know she had training. It might be a cool opportunity to show that off even more when she tried to fight off the assassin Pg 4 Oh no! I was not expecting that. My first thought when she felt a needle was a poison dart, but I’m guessing it was a syringe from the guard? Pg5 I’m not sure if this is the same guy as the assassin or not Pg 9 I liked this short chapter, it makes M seem not quite as sociopathic as the other chapters did, gives him some depth. Personally, I am very tired of the threat of SA in fantasy and scifi. I know it’s a real thing that people experience, but it make me very weary whenever I read it. I don’t think this scene is very graphic, that being said, but like, in my opinion the threat against her life is sufficient to get across the horror she feels Pg 15 “like your supposed to” should be you’re

If it's not too late, I would also like a spot for today please!

Yeah, I think I agree with this here. It's certainly the easiest to write for me haha. Yeah, I think this is the biggest problem with the story. I feel like I am pretty good at writing the characters interacting and individual scenes, but the larger story and plot is unfocused and just takes too damn long to get to the point haha. Like, we are around 250 pages into this thing here, and they still haven't gotten to what I first thought was going to be the "meat" of the story. Needless to say, the next draft is going to have a lot of stuff cut I think, but I'm not exactly sure what. I feel like since them arriving at the city has been mostly necessary scenes (at least from my perspective as writer and with foreknowledge) so I'm curious if there's anything (other than the L and B stuff, which I think will be streamlined) that you think could be cut? That's good to hear! Yeah, I'm not trying to focus on womanhood specifically, not being a woman myself I feel like there's better people to tackle that subject. But I do feel qualified to write about "mommy issues" haha. Anyway, glad to hear that it wasn't obviously in poor taste. Yeah, I think I'll add an instance of it doing something like this before in the next draft

Thanks again for reading everyone! This submission has some trauma and discussion revolving around sex, motherhood, and childbirth, so just be aware of that. If it comes across poorly, I would like to know, of course. Other than that, just wondering what you like and what you don't, and if this is too long. Thanks!

I would like a spot this week please!

Overall I think that the writing itself is pretty solid, the dialogue is mostly good and I can picture what is going on very clearly, as well as the emotions of the characters, which is good. As of right now though, I still don't really feel too connected to what is going on. I still feel like I really have a clear picture of the setting, or what exactly the responsibilities of the characters are. I feel like M has the strongest characterization so far, even if he might be a little psychopathic. Other than that though, my LBL stuff has the rest of my notes. All in all though, I think the style is pretty good, I just want a stronger connection to the characters Pg1 this death scene is written pretty well, but I think I would feel more for the king if I knew a little more about him personally before seeing him die. Pg 2 + pg 3 Also, again here I think that a few paragraph breaks for emphasis can be good (I would keep the “hollow silence” one) but some of these can be combined into a single paragraph. Having so many in a row makes it lose a lot of its impact and becomes a little distracting Pg 4 “DIDN’T” I would italicize this rather than typing it in all caps Pg5 I am not really sure what this is supposed to imply here. Is it that he suspects his sister sent the assassin? Mainly the thing I’m taking away from the viewpoint is that M my have some antisocial tendencies and is kind of a jerk Pg 6 “in her arms” and “Had someone…” I think this is a good example of two paragraphs that could be one P7 “feint tone” should be “faint” Pg 8 “mocked her” not sure what this means exactly Good to know she has a plan, but based on the information I have as a reader, I don’t have any inkling what it could be Pg 9 “no other explanation” I like this line Pg 10 “committing murders” this line feels a little on-the-nose and over-explaining to me. The next two sentences about not having anything to be worried about feel more natural and get the idea across just fine “What mystery” I was wondering the same thing haha This is pretty heavy stuff. I wasn’t feeling lost, despite a bunch of new names and information, but others might Also, it didn’t really follow up on what her plan was Pg 12 “stable not secure” I like this line Pg 16 “wasn’t in their favor” this is implied, I think. This sentence doesn’t add much Pg 18 “created with sketch” I’m not sure what this means? Is this like a leftover text from something else? Pg19 “several minutes later” should be capitalized Whoah! That took an unexpected twist! Poor J

Overall, glad to see that it seems like we will be getting more answers about the labyrinth and why J's foster mom and P were involved, and to what end. I think that shaking up the formula a little bit is good here, especially since as you said its the second to last arc of this book. Overall exciting stuff and I'm excited to see where this goes! Pg1 I am interested to see where this arc of J being “socially invisible” will go. While he has made friends, I still feel like he views himself as an outsider, which I hope he can have some growth on by the end “Labryrinth can pounce on” it seems like since he had his own arc, it hasn’t really been going for his insecurities, just the other people Pg 3 “acting different” I also kind of hope here that they haven’t been taken by the labyrinth, though that does seem like the next natural step, considering most of the other named characters have been taken before. I also really hope Mx. P isn’t evil. Idk having the one nonbinary character be an evil teacher who is okay with kids being kidnapped would not be my favorite, but I guess I’m about to find out Pg 6 “Silence lingers” sorry this has nothing to do with anything really, just that writing song for silence has altered this word for me and it was like a jump scare seeing this sentence haha “Self aware” okay, so yeah it seems like the being okay with kidnapping kids is because this is a doppleganger version of P? The 2d pigeons are fun too. I’m imagining the rest of the world looks like minecraft with smaller cubes or something, since it’s a 3d space. It's a little hard for me to envision I hope that the real P can provide more information! They seem to know more about this place

I liked this submission a lot! While the stuff in the labyrinth does follow the same kind of arc every time, I liked this one a lot since it had to do with someone (IMO) even closer to J than the others were at the beginning. I liked the section after even more though, and I thought it was good to have a slower section after all the action. I do wonder what will happen and what the labryinth even is, especially since the story is kind of telling us the end is near. Sorry btw, I wish i were more help than just saying it's repetitive btw, but I'm also not sure how to help with that. But I think the story is strongest when it is dealing with the emotions of the characters. Pg 1 I still like that the pigeons keep getting scarier. I hope by the end they are barely recognizable as pigeons haha Where are K and V during this btw? They are mentioned, but like are they in front, behind, where? Also, I think just a tiny bit more detail about the fights, just in general, might be good, though I know that’s not really a focus of the story I was not expecting his mom! Pg 3 “slaps” okay, not cool “Beating and yelling” should be “yelling at” Pg 4 “I need to be punished” I don’t think a kid would say this. Maybe something like “i deserve this” or just leave it at breaking the promise, but I don’t think a kid would just straight up say they need to be punished Pg 5 “maybe it’s fair” this does seem more like something a kid would say Pg 6 “my brother too” ooof, right in the feels Yeah, that has to be traumatizing for a kid Pg 11 Yeah, this does seem like an embarrassing situation Pg 13 “I owe her ten” haha I’m going to be honest, I kind of forgot that you have to spend money on dates because like the most I ever spend is like 5$ for a coffee, you can catch me browsing at bookstores and stuff haha

Yeah, I won't lie, this might be the single worst spot to come in as a new reader, so thanks for doing this anyway haha! Good to know, thanks for catching this! One of those things that reading over this like three or four times myself doesn't help with haha these are interesting for me to hear, because yes, this is kind of the style I've established throughout. I hope it works, I sometimes worry it sounds too much like a marvel movie Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback!

Okay, honestly I don't have a ton of notes on this one because I think its already in a pretty good place! Easy to read, short and concise, and with a good twist at the end that's well foreshadowed. I really only have two things: I feel like V might at least recognize that the drug could be bad for his plans the second time he's fed it, even if he's relieved to have the pain gone, maybe like a voice in the back of his head or something that warns him, which he ignores. The other thing that I noted is that there doesn't seem to be much concern for him being unable to walk when it comes to the escape attempt. I guess they might plan on carrying him, but it seems like there is only one person? Unsure. Either way, those are both pretty small concerns, and I think this is well put together and a good and interesting read! Pg1 definitely very effective for establishing that this person is not mentally all there. Pg 4 “The out is a scr” not sure if the grammar is intentionally incorrect here or not. I mean, I know what it means so its probably alright haha “Filthy glass” having glass in a prison cell strikes me as a pretty big security risk. Break it, and now you have a sharp shard you can use as a weapon. I guess the reasoning is that it’s out of reach Pg6 “such a question” nice Pg 8 I was a little worried that the drug might make him lose concentration on the spell, but he doesn't seem worried Pg 10 Oh damn, okay haha

Hey all! Here is the rest of the chapter from last week. Again, same questions, just looking to see how people take to the new characters (will probably introduce them earlier in later drafts or cut them altogether) and if the pairing up of B and L makes sense at all. Tags this time for Language and mild violence. Thanks!

I'd like a spot for this week please!

So, I remember the previous submission only vaguely, so my notes on this revision are basically new. I liked the beginning section, and I thought that the action scene at the end was well written. The main part I was hung up on was the nightmare section in the middle. I do think that it is important to empathize with the characters and so I can see what the purpose of this section is, but as far as losing interest, that is where I lost mine. I almost wonder if it would be better to have the promise of the assassin at the beginning, then have a scene in which the princess and her father can interact with each other while he's still alive, which could also be helpful to get the information of her betrothal across without having to rely on exposition to get that information across. It will also make me care more about the king and the princess, which will make the death more devastating, though I do appreciate getting right to the action with this one. Overall, I'm intrigued and excited to see what happens next! Pg1 I like these first couple of lines. Very moody and good at setting the scene This might just be a stylistic difference of opinion, but it seems like some of these paragraphs could be combined into single paragraphs. Pg2 “That theory” I like this line. Though I would combine it with the line below about weaknesses so they are one paragraph. Using paragraph breaks for emphasis can be a powerful tool but it loses power each time you do it imo. “Rounded skyscrapers” this makes me think of like how the sixties imagined the 2000’s would be like, which is an aesthetic I like Pg 3 “an ambient glow” I would either add the word “and” before “an ambient glow” or change “stretched” to “stretching” to make this sentence’s grammar better Personally, I am not very interested in a dream being the first introduction I get to a character. Not that I think this section is written poorly, but at the beginning of a story, I am more interested in seeing what is about to happen. I can see that the fire affected her a lot and it is a way to instantly make me sympathetic to the character, but for the first chapter, I would rather have a shorter and punchier description of the dream here, and then maybe a longer one later on if necessary. “Share pleasant laughter with” I would just remove the word “with” at the end Pg 8 Again, lots of paragraph breaks. I would save them only for the most impactful statements, and combine the rest into single paragraphs as appropriate.