Zephrun’s Imperium

Ah, that's the upvote system. You'll see you're a Spren right now, but as you get more upvotes, that'll change into something cooler. Also, you typically shouldn't double post. You can just edit the previous post.

Ah, just post anywhere, get to know people. You may want to start in the General Discussion section; Forum Games. There are some really cool people to meet. It's kinda scary at first, but after a few posts you get used to it. Anyway, welcome to the Shard!

Star wasn't avalible to do the ripping. She was in SIlence's Realm, pouting. SoT however was confused as to why Stick thought Math was female, then burned Math's remains.

*wears metal blatantly Shardplate*

And thus math was destroyed.

We need more Mistborn. *I am Hope*

Sometimes I come onto this thread and I think, "I'm not even going to ask."

This was not Star's first time in a cell. She... preferred not to think about her first time. Her memories of it were limited because of Thought's interference, but it was still haunting to think back to. Left to her own in the dark, however, Star's thoughts seemed to spiral out of control. Questions assaulted her, one after the other. But one stayed with her longer than the others; She wanted her her happy ending... but did she deserve it? She wasn't a hero. Not really. She just helped people. Because that was the only way to help herself. Shards, when you said it like that, it seemed... very selfish. She wasn't selfish. Not anymore. And that was the thing right there, wasn't it? She had changed. For the better. And... heroes got happy endings. Maybe she could deserve it... later? Still, she could never erase what she had done. She knew her self pity was, well, pitiful, but it was a part of her now. And she didn't know how to get rid of it. Maybe Pheo could fix that. But he wasn't here. And she might never get out of this cell. Butt might never get his memories back. Pheonix might be trapped and mute forever. Heather might go back to drinking. It wasn't as if she'd done anything wrong to get her here though. She wasn't about to let Xino be killed. You know. Again. Queen of Shadows wasn't exactly the best part of her history. She sighed, feeling the burns throb. "Let me out of here," she whispered. "Please."

Okay, so I'll be honest, I have a really hard time reading anything in present tense. It makes me feel so removed from the story, like it's being told by someone else. Even in the Hunger Games, where it's present tense, but from Katniss's perspective, it just feels awkward and unprofessional. Which especially sucks in this story, because I can tell that you're a fantastic writer. You're really good at description and painting a good, poetic picture of what's going on. (even if I do agree with Luna - you could certainly pull back just a teeny bit) I know that it's stylistic, but that's just my opinion. I thought the idea was a really interesting one and it seems like there's a lot you could expand on and really flesh out. I thought the pacing was good... but I got a little bit confused. This is the beginning of your story. Obviously, you can't explain everything to the reader, but you have to explain enough for them to not lose interest. Hear me out. When you write something, you already know it inside and out. What's hard is making the sure that the reader - who is only just entering the world you created - doesn't get lost. The pacing is good, yes, but as it's the very beginning, and the reader hasn't yet gotten used to the world, you could slow it down even more. Okay, that made it sound like I really know what I'm doing, but I probably don't. I enjoyed the story and I'm excited to see where you go with it.

I only come when I'm bored or things get exciting, so I can give out upvotes.

Star felt a tickle on her forehead. It wasn't bad, but... someone was hurting. Her back straightened in alarm, but then she realized that she... couldn't do anything. It hurt, but... maybe being trapped here was a twisted sort of freedom. Her stomach twisted at the thought. Better that she be punished than anyone else. But... she couldn't do anything. She sat back again, unsettled and disturbed by her own flippant attitude.

They had mind-controlling powers.

Hurt Rebecca, heal Xino. AonEne - 7 Xinoehp512 - 6 Rebecca - 3 Doomstick - 8 Lunamor - 8 Shard of Thought - 7 Truthless of Shinovar - 7 Snipexe - 6 I think I am here - 6 Sorana - 6

Warshiping was...

And they had absolutely nothing to do with Harry Potter; they were from an alternate universe where "The Boy Who Lived" hadn't lived.

Hurt Rebecca, heal Xino. AonEne - 6 Xinoehp512 - 7 Rebecca - 4 Doomstick - 7 Lunamor - 7 Shard of Thought - 7 Truthless of Shinovar - 7 Snipexe - 6 I think I am here - 7 Sorana - 6