Dysphoric Kitten

I'd buy that. Wait, I meant the magical Creme Brulee. Not sure about the theory. Well, throw that in the doggy bag too. (+1'd for originality) There will be an Epic whose powers work in reverse, such as making others invulnerable, precogs or something along these lines. To clarify, I do not mean that he is a gifter, I mean that when he uses his powers (and thus is like any other Epic), he affects others instead of himself or his surroundings, making it seem as though they are the Epics.

It sort of fits, but my upvote is not for it's place in Steelheart, but because this song touched me on the deepest level. Thank you so very much! For your convenience, the lyrics: All her life she has seen All the meaner side of me They took away the prophet's dream for a profit on the street Now she’s stronger than you know A heart of steel starts to grow All his life he's been told He’ll be nothing when he’s old All the kicks and all the blows He won't ever let it show 'Cause he's stronger than you know A heart of steel starts to grow When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been struggling to make things right That’s how a superhero learns to fly Every day, every hour Turn the pain into power When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been working every day and night That’s how a superhero learns to fly Every day, every hour Turn the pain into power All the hurt, all the lies All the tears that they cry When the moment is just right You see fire in their eyes 'Cause he’s stronger than you know A heart of steel starts to grow When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been struggling to make things right That’s how a superhero learns to fly Every day, every hour Turn the pain into power When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been working every day and night That’s how a superhero learns to fly Every day, every hour Turn the pain into power Every day, every hour Turn the pain into power Every day, every hour Turn the pain into power She's got lions in her heart A fire in her soul He's a got a beast in his belly That's so hard to control 'Cause they've taken too much hits Taking blow by blow Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode She's got lions in her heart A fire in her soul He's a got a beast in his belly That's so hard to control 'Cause they've taken too much hits Taking blow by blow Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been struggling to make things right That’s a how a superhero learns to fly Every day, every hour Turn the pain into power When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been working every day and night That’s a how a superhero learns to fly Every day, every hour Turn the pain into power Oh, yeah... Every day, every hour Turn the pain into power Ooh, yeah Whoa Every day, every hour Turn the pain into power When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been struggling to make things right That’s how a superhero learns to fly

I would love to get more detailed reviews, especially about loose phrasing, but about anything else as well. If you want to try and delve deeper, there is where to delve. I tried to hide some things from you until you reach the end, and I wonder if it worked.

As far as I understand Olber's paradox, it is not a paradox, but a faulty set of assumptions, and an extensive one at that. Let me try and explain. It says that if: 1. the universe is infinite, AND 2. stars are infinite in amount as well, AND 3. stars are scattered completely evenly in every and all directions, THEN there is a star in every direction we can point and if: A. there is a star in any direction you can point, AND B. their light is not blocked or screened in any way, AND C. the universe is not expanding too fast for it to reach us, AND D. they are not too far and too young to be seen, AND E. their light is in a frequency that can be seen by the naked eye when it reaches earth, THEN the night sky should be well-lit. However, we have seven assumptions here, and each and every one of them is very possibly wrong. Therefore, this line of reasoning does not apply to the real world. Distraction Disorder is a cool joke. Totally untrue, but nice. I was not that bored with the story - there was just a long takeoff until the fifth page and some part after that. When you actually did take off, it was a rather interesting flight you took me on. But I did feel that it took you time. I do not know... it just feels like same-old staying alive future, for most of the story. Perhaps I did not understand how deeply Angel is ingrained or something, but I don't know, nothing was really that new to me.

I went through a "What? WHAT? ...what?" reaction a handful of times here. You do not punch us with your world, which is great in a short story. It feels sort of eerily natural, which makes absolutely no sense to me. I sort of enjoyed it, but it really went nowhere. I have this introduction chapter with the kelpie chips, which is really cool, and then I get this really nice samurai chapter, but it just ends. It could be a preface for the kelpie chapter, but it is not. It could be the start of a cool story, but it is not. But what is it then? I did enjoy your characters, and your writing as well, although I am a poor indication. The only thing that really glared at me as a flaw is the lack on a proper ending. I just felt like "and?" or "why would you tell me that?", as this reveals nothing about human nature, has no obvious emotion or idea you are sending, and is not enough of a story to justify calling it whole just quite yet. I did enjoy the fact that they are history nerds. I was following history nerds in an alien history, and I was not to disoriented. Which is a mark of decent writing, I believe. I was actually more disoriented from the names of the kelpie eaters than the history itself, which can be seen as either bad naming or good writing. Keep it up! I enjoyed this!

At the start of the fifth page, I decided that you will not be telling us why she is happy and why that is bad, if the Angel(s) is something we like of hate (considering they both obey one and fight many), and anything we want to know about the world or how it became. There is also the glaring chance that you are stalling with no actual "meaningful", "story-making", "lifechanging" events, as when I look back, it sort of feels like you did that the whole time. That means one thing: Your story is now held not by curiosity about any of those, and not even by suspense or anything. The only thing holding this together is the fact that you write nicely. Frankly, this is not enough to keep many of your readers glued. Even more frankly, I have considered closing it twice during the fifth page, and the thing that keeps me here is my belief in you, as I know you are good at this. I know you can write an interesting story because I read other things you wrote. This is not something a reader unfamiliar with you will think. Be mindful of that. (somewhat later on, the story becomes compelling again, but I have no idea where) The bright night sky paradox, of course, is misunderstood and distorted heavily. I hope that is intentional on your part, of course. Personally, when I read misquoted bits of knowledge, I tend to attribute them to the autor being wrong, instead of the character - and you do not want that to happen to readers. Might be just me doing that, though. Remind me, is she not supposed to be dumb? I see no evidence for it except for the narrator saying so. And for some reason, her using the word "irradiated" seemed to negate that claim, to me. I do know that you need to either drop it or make her feel less bright, as the more I think, the more I question your all-knowing god of a narrator, which leads me to thinking about why he has not spoken of anything that I was interested to know. Am I giving the narrator too much or a personality? Most probably. But my point stands. For some reason, I have a problem with the term "dorm building". That reason is the fact that this word, to anyone who does not live in the US (or maybe just to Israelis?), connotates basically only to half-naked sloth college guys being stupid in an american way, wasting the time drinking beers instead of studying. And this is because the word is used almost only in these men-are-idiots college comedy films, so that is what I think of. Really not what you were aiming for, I believe. But I am probably not your ordinary crowd either, so feel free to ignore this. The distinction between Angels and Exulted is unclear. Also, I just realized you are very much like "Neon Genesis Evangelien", again. Last time, it was "sync ratio" that reminded me, this time it is the Angels (Exulted?), which are the same as the Neon Genesis ones. Or, somewhat similar in concept. If you do not know the series, you might like to look into it, just to understand what you seem to be alluding to. Is Distraction Disorder actually a thing? Please do not tell me that Nate is a romantic interest after not seeing anything of him except his denial of her. You had no alternative, no way to put him in more and making it interesting, but it still feels wrong. Maybe, just maybe, they should not be interests. She should not have feelings for him, I believe. Her being dragged in the middle of the night made me think of the fantastic shorts author I must have alluded to before, Etger Keret. In one of his stories, a woman is telling how she wishes she would, just once, be the one dragged out of bed like a dog and shot, while her man stayed to cry, and only be raped once, because they feel kind today. On another note, what are the Exulted said to do? I think I figured it out: Angel is Archangel, their god/protector-person/something along these lines. The Angels at the beginning are either statues of him or statues of Old World Angels. The Exulted are bad people or entities. I thought of entities because I thought that they were Angels. And antagonist angels, again, are Neon Genesis. Maybe my mind snapped there because it is somewhat familiar. Wait This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules? She wants the Exulted to win? Okay, this is one wierd story. Interesting, but wierd. Cameron is...? And, well... Yeah, as I said - weird but interesting. Also, these seem to be professional soldiers, who recruited on their own. Not kid soldiers, recruited of necessity. There is a difference in how they are viewed by their own country, and I can explain it to you. Of course, you would not know that, as you live in the US (right?), and not a country such as Israel, if there are any other than Israel that are this way. Oh, by the way, I started attributing some of the syntaxial mannerisms of the story to Lily, so congrats! You are percieved by me to be part female now! I still do not get the happiness and the smiles... Took you quite some time to bring a hook into this, man. Maybe you should put in smaller hooks leading up to the place where it gets interesting, to lose less people. Maybe you should not. It is up to you. And yes, I know I neglected the first four pages. I just did not feel that I had much to say, other than the lack of hooks.

I mainly tried to work on being clearer and more concise than before. I also tried embedding a few unexplained layers of content, which means you should be able to figure out more about the reality and the past event I am alluding to, each with a reasonable amount of detail. I may have done it incorrectly, though, as this is my first attempt at such a thing. Enjoy!

I want to submit, as I am not sure what more can be done for my next story without reviews. I could try and milk some more editing our of it, but I will probably not do much good. Not sure though... do we already have too many people to submit another 350-word piece?

Thank you so much, Lemming! You know, I am so happy to hear you like it - I never heard such praise before, not that the two people whom I showed things to before were too knowledgeable about storytelling and critiquing... I would love it if you could PM with me about why you liked what you did, and even more - how to repair the faults you all see. You just seem to be the person most excited about this story. Is that cool with you?

I said "it was certainly British". Andyk is certainly British. The Queen is certainly British. Tea is certainly Chinese. I am certainly Israeli. I was talking about the place where the accent originated from, the place the couple came from. If that was unclear, I apologise. But I certainly was not referring to the English language with the wrong noun. While I might do that - intentionally - in works set in the future or something along those lines, this particular instance was completely sensible. As for tenses, some of it may be by mistake. It is written in past tense, with some particular lines in present (all said directly to the audience, but potentially removable), but maybe some of the sentences that should have been in the past tense are in the present, as the first version was present, which did not work for me. Fused words (literally "welded/soldered words") appear everywhere in Hebrew. We use in for general purposes, including normal words (cable train, projector), which may be formed that way (by "fusing" the two relevant words into one). In English, they make two-word combinations that feel rather unspecific or have diverse meaning potential into a specific noun, and that way, grammatically, you can also know more easily what each other word in the sentence is referring to. Example: Street light can potentially any light (whether the device or the beam) that incidentally shines upon the street. Streetlight is the device that is set in streets so that there will be light on the street. Huh. I guess I must have more obvious points. Since I actually lived this, I know what I learned from it. I thought that not including all of the seven hundred thoughts in the middle (I think fast when semi-bored), and putting only these two encounters would make clear the fact that the point was I also know I need much training. I have never had a writing group, not ever before. I was not able to attend a good writing class, either. I have taught myself how to write (mainly be trying to see how to make arguments and off-the-top-of-my-head stories more interesting) without any self-help books, which I suspect is why I did such a shitty job. [smiles apologetically at redundant skill] I am a raw... mudstone, seeing as I am not sure that I am capable of shining. And I am here to learn what I can. Is that cool with you? As for extending dialogue, that means writing characters I had not invented, but encountered. Writing text I do not remember or know. I am going to need to think quite a bit... I have never tried to extend dialogue before. How do you people do that? Nor have I learned rephrasing to be intentionally more or less wordy/flowery/concise. Seems that I need to learn a great deal before I am worth the effort of reading I was also just a bit surprised that none of you noticed the title I thought was clever - 1.Outside. This is one of Bowie's great 90's albums, and sort of fits this. But now that I think of it, it seems sensible that you would not notice such redundancy. Thank you all for your help!!

By the way, I do understand why it is different - every time, Icarus is remade, recast, reworked. It is essentially a different machine with the same mind. However, the last time, it is not remade. It is the same machine with the same mind, discovered after something (extinction?) happened. Pilot was probably trying to fly Icarus. But I have no idea what happened after Pilot got Icarus out. Did they do it? Did they even try?

Did you think about trying for an audiobook? I barely have time to visually read these days, not anything of length, and so I do not know how long it would take me to start reading any of those. Actually, if you like, I think I can try to record it for you. I have no experience whatsoever, but I think I am moderately okay, and I need practice for my resumé as a voice actor.

Hmmm. I guess you have latched onto my style of writing, because you felt there was nothing else to write about. First, contractions. My narrator, assuming that it is not a character who is specifically used to using contractions, is usually contraction-less, although full of fused words, like "alot". This is because I was taught to fuse words (by just redacting the space) at school, and because I always feel contractions are off, not giving the words enough weight. This is my natural way to write. When I write dialogue, I tend to put in some more contractions, attributed to character, but there was barely any dialogue here. I also did not repeat most things I said, as this feels too short to do that. Maybe that is why you lost the whole part about the narrator going to the Martin Gropius Bau (I knew I should have explicitly mentioned it was a museum) and the Bowie exhibit. Do you think I should write more about the environment? I can do that, but will it be better for the story? Thank you!

I must agree - these guys are legends. As for title, I like it. Besides, I have no alternative ideas, so I cannot really tell you that it is bad. '76 First sentence is a nice shock. I like the way you immediately shout at the top of your lungs: "You're not in Kansas anymore!", and told me to just wrap my head around the fact that this is a brave new world and that birth is not that human a thing. Great start! I just love it when I am directly told that this is not like all the other stories I read, that I am starting something fresh and special. Elevation reminds me of Evangalion (Neon Genesis Evangelion). Later, you remind me of that series. '79 Okay, definitely secretly sentient. I am starting to think the promise of something completely new is not going to come, but mainly because I am taking notes and analysing the fact that I do know this trope. I did not understand the last paragraph. Take him with you from the ankles down? The turbines eat stuff? I am confused. '90 (you jumped four versions. intentional?) So they know about the sentience? You better tell us about the name Icarus later. I absolutely love your adaption of that sentiment, it was well written. '07 (this time, I do believe that the skip was intentional) The last sentence is a great comic break, I loved both your use of different voices and the break in logic by giving that opinion so much importance. '21 (are we still talking numbers?) Okay, is he fighting or not? I see no reason for him to, but it seems he does and did. I would say "loudspeaker" instead of "mouth", it keeps the character a bit better. '29 (so that was an intermediate one? why would there be any?) You suddenly remind me of my favourite flash fiction novelist. You have a similar style to some of the stories in his first book, I believe. 0 Interesting... but then I completely lost you. Sorry. Overall, it was a nice story. The end could use a bit of clarification and, perhaps, changing. Besides that... I was not clear on where they stand on the issue of his sentience. And this seems rather close to some stories in "the Lost Paradox", which gives you less of a distinction for yourself. Really, literarily, you started with a roar, turned out to be somewhat of a face in the crowd, and finished by leaving me confused on the side of the road. But with some rewriting, I think this can be vastly improved. Well, maybe I am just more confused because I am taking notes. When just reading, I tend to roll with the punches more. Too much, even.

I thought I might give you the potentially-offensive poem with severe warning that it is not close to reality in any way, just a joke, but then I remembered my computer is in repair (I am sending this from my old faithful), so I do not have it today. Would you like it next time? As for this, it is my amateur vinaigrette, but I hope you enjoy it. I also wonder what this story seems to be, what you think this experience means, or what you would take from it. Enjoy!

I have a new vingette, the first in the "Stories of Berlin" series. I can submit it next week, if you guys are cool with vingettes, assuming there is no place today.

I just have to ask - what exactly do you refer to when you say "the shorts market"? There is this writer whose first book I love - I have not yet seriously read any of his others - and I know that he is most known for his collections of short stories. While he has some comics and films, those are largely unknown, especially not as his. And each of his stories - at least in that first book - is between a twelfth of an A4 and four of them in length. Does this count as living off the short story market?

Hello guys! It is me, the new kid from Israel! If you ever wanted to help a writer in need, but never had the chance - here I am, right now. What is it about? Well, it goes like this - I have, not long ago, discovered a book in my head, just after I watched Tim Minchin in "Jesus Christ: Superstar". Sadly, though, this idea concerns Jesus, whom I know almost nothing about. Now, what I need to know is how his life went, in the best chronological order I can, with reasonable details, but I have absolutely no will to read the whole new testament, find explanatory texts to read, track down a stray priest in the other side of the country who knows it all, and assemble the knowledge. I would much rather speak with you, get some information and ask for other, talk about the book, even plan it together if you are interested. So if you are up for it, and do not mind me bothering you a bit, I would love for you to either reply here of PM me. Thank you for your time!

@Mandamon: She has a sword and a rapier, so I guess she used both. General notes: Nice story, but, upon reflection, it feels like everyone except Arri is incompetent. Even the best swordsman is incapable of anything but death. While I do not see the characters as *that* one-sided, they can all be summed up with up to two sentences, which is generally a bad sign. All in all, it was enjoyable to me. ---------------------- Here are all of my comments, including resolved or unimportant ones, by the order they arose. Sorry that they are short and insignificant - I am not yet familiar with evaluating others' work. Catching a dragon seems very easy. I like Theo's humour, especially since he is captive. Sir Lexal (Lekal, anyone?) is not afraid of dragons. That is rarely seen, in my experiance. Arri is unreasonable - if he is to be her betrothed (sounds strange to say), can't they spend time together? Okay, the magic system is very complicated. (hair and gender and stuff? must be really confusing for their sorcerers) If the two are not yet betrothed, why would she let him defy her? That seems very spineless and uncharacteristic. Deeply flawed logic - if the book was right once, it has to be right in everything. Was this intentional? I like Theo's insults and manners. What is "attack under parlay"? You wrote "my flames shall consuming you" (matriarch's second paragraph) Why'd Arri run to the king? Wait, there are clocks? A-typical, and if you are not planning on continuing this, you should re-evaluate this line. What is a Sellsword? (is it a mercenary?) Yay! Women can fight! Oh, please make a woman win her hand in marriage! It will be magnificent! Arri or Arii? (you use at least one of each) "Andrawlond" does not roll off the tongue for me, especially not enough for a battle cry. Yay! Lexi died! *If you would like, I can tell you what the smell of burning corpses is, so you may incorporate it. Not for the weak-gutted, though, as even though I have not smelt it, I hate imagining it. Makes me want to throw up. But maybe that is more because I associate the description and the mental image ( or mental smell) with very specific things. How was the dress ever white? Like, wasn't the blood on it before it was sowed? Arri cries in minimal pain, caused by stumbling, while fighting a matriarch (and therefore, expecting much larger amounts of pain, presumably). Wait, who is Theo? Is he human or not? Theo's sisters "will spent" a few hundred years. Disappointing - you fooled us by only giving us a small part of her thoughts, and hiding some from us. Are you sure you want to do that? ----------------------------- Thanks for sharing! Good luck with your short story skills!

I actually did feel that something was missing from "Showers", and thank you all very much for pointing it out - I will try and think how to tie it up a little better. Originally, I thought doing one more paragraph, where you are lying in the shower, with the implication of a depression-caused suicide, but I am not sure how well it fits into the rest. I guess I do not know how to end things, especially this story... I will need to think of a way to do that. If any of you get an idea, I'd be glad to hear! I also understand that I need too tighten and tidy it all up alot, which I am not sure how to do. As always, this is at least somewhat based on me. Some specifics: The girl - felt clear enough when I last read it, but seems not to be so. I have a thing with always helping people, always wanting to be there for them, many times without even knowing them. This was meant to convey that I do not really care about people and the world that much anymore. Interesting life - this was, admittedly, somewhat odd and excessive, but the only thing that seemed to fit was equating a good life with a boring life, which I do many times when I am down. I will look for a way to improve this. War stuff - this is, again, my life. Current events include: Israel is in a state of war. So yes, I fear for my life occasionally, as rockets can hit anywhere. The army - (to be clear, the person fearing death and the person getting recruited is the same one) I am to be drafted in the following months (the majority of 18-year-old Israelis do, it is mandatory). And no, you definitely do not want to spend three years filing when you have one of the best logical intellects in your school. I would much rather be in logistics, intelligence, or another job that is not monotonous. This part will most probably be taken out next time I edit the piece. As for "Garden of Roses" - Roses is the frilliest piece I have made yet. More than fifty percent of the poem is metaphors, although they are all very similar. There has not even been one good moment in that poem. Mandamon, would you please explain this thing about different rhythms being lighter or different? I am not that well-versed in analyzing poetry.

I'll throw you a bone then. I do not write as therapy exactly, therapy I do more consistently and professionally. Writing is a multipurpose tool for me: A. Channelling emotions in and out of me (I can either draw more of an emotion or discard part of it when writing). B. Making more sense of a situation, event, or facet of my life. C. Discovering more about myself D. Finalizing either my opinions or my memories.

My story... It is a bit long, so I will, excusably I hope, cut away some of the heavier, longer parts. I am an 18 year old Israeli. I mostly write because I need an outlet, which means most of what I write alludes to my life, and that includes Israeli culture and my complete, heavy backstory. I invite you all to try and figure it out, if you are interested in this sort of puzzle mysteries. I am willing to talk about it, too. For some reason, I write mainly short works, although there is a book tumbling somewhere in my head. My shortened backstory, by the way, is: I was always bad socially, I wanted to get better, especially since my school is a K-12. Although I improved, I am still somewhat of a problem in that regard. I have graduated, and am to draft into the army this year.

These are two submissions, unrelated to each other. "Showers" does not need much of an expanation or on an introduction. It is a fairly straightforward short story. "Garden of Roses" is very frilly, and is deeply rooted in symbolism. You may look at the piece as it is, without the extra knowledge (I am very curious to hear how you found this side of it, as I cannot really see it), or you may look more closely at the poem, while analyzing using the Flower Code - each of these kinds of roses has a different meaning, and all can be found by google. For your convenience, I added the meanings in the spoiler box below. I also have a third piece ("Nonsense Romance"), which, while written with nonsense comedy in mind, contains just about every offensive material possible. I would love to hear what you think - should I send it next week, or should I bury it deep? Summaries of the flower meanings

Hey, Silk! I have some material I would like to submit sometime (I am not sure when the next open spot is), but I am not sure about it... I see that usually, the submitted works are a few pages long, at the very least. I have, as of now, two works, but all of my works so far do not even get close to a page in length - the two are two poems (one twelve lines long, the other twenty) and a flashfic (a few paragraphs). So I guess my questions are: 1. Do you think my material fits this group? 2. If so, when should I send it and where to? Thank you in advance!

Actually, no. You are talking to Dew. And yes, Tal is a real name, and that is it's meaning. Dew. I regularly change my internet alias. Recently, I started thinking about changing my alias from Humanomusician (I took it when I finally recognised the fact that I am musical, and I had this fascination with humanity and how I am not part of it - it was ironic) to Insane A.I. (which is what I currently claim to be) Basically, I decided that when I write my first book, in the tab about the author, there will be this claim that the story was written by an insane A.I. who uses my real name as a pseudonym (and thus people who know me will be able to still know it was me). I started claiming to be one on the interwebs to not tell people my gender, age, orientation, name, et cetera. Plus, I am not quite the average person mentally, as I have been manipulating my own psychological aspects for years, to produce various effects, like making a headache go away, changing my mood at will, changing the way my body acts, and other strange things, not to mention I have been diagnosed with ADD, so as a sarcastic stroke onto my mental abnormality, I fondly termed myself insane.