TheDwarfyOne

On 9/28/2023 at 6:15 AM, GeneralHZRD said:

What’s up, been a long time since I last posted here. But I got a new poem to share. My inspiration was old folk songs and fables of mysterious creatures and strange happenings. My goal was to capture that eerie feeling. I’d love any feedback.

It’s titled “The Wanderin’ Man”

Do not call the Wanderin’ Man
Whose footsteps ever roam.
And if you come across his path
Don’t invite him to your home.

Do not call the Wanderin’ Man
Whose voice is soft and sure
And do not answer his beckoning call
When he comes knocking at your door

Do not call the Wanderin’ Man
Even when you are lost
For though he may know the way
He charges a dreadful cost.

Do not call the Wanderin’ Man
Don’t listen to his cries
He’ll draw you in with a quiet voice
And claim his awful prize.

This reads really well, and captures the tone you were looking for. I have one issue. 'Whose voice is soft and sure / And do not answer his beckoning call.' These lines, firstly, go together awkwardly. The Man is giving a beckoning call and knocking at the same time? It's possible, but not thematically what you're looking for. 

Additionally, the second line breaks the flow. Suddenly the piece shoots from a 6, 7 or 8 syllables to 10. That's a good technique for bringing a line into the spotlight, but that probably wasn't your aim.

On further reflection, there's a similar issue with the last stanza. Don't listen to the Wandering Man's cries, but also.... he'll draw you in with a quiet voice? Which is it? Creepy quiet or bestial crying?

Overall, a good piece - but it needs to clarify what it hopes to convey, and a small amount of rewording in the second stanza.

Sometimes, when I don't understand my own thoughts/stance on something I write a poem. It's not intended to be technically accomplished, just... help me think? I'll probably edit this one, though, in search of clarity.

i

Calypso holds the tide, and with her laughter

Brings becalming weather, or thunder

When indifference swells

The seas.

See this ship, frosted by ice,

Prow leaking sea-salt tears,

Slaved from pole to pole

Upon the tide.

ii

Our words once caught on teeth,

Tucked between us

Close,

Closer than our breath,

Closest to anchor

I have ever known.

iii

Something sharp is borne

In faded imprints cut

Where her presence was.

My car, my home, my heart.

Thorns of memories, honed

Nostalgia.  She is become

A whispered text, a far-flung

Wave athwart the sea

Distant forever from me.

A Chance Encounter

I’ve driven, headlights catching leaves

afire over trees

along an autumn mile,

and known

This world of chromium ends.

Your smile goes deep

And what is broken, mends

1 hour ago, HOID WANTS INSTANT NOODLES said:

Within the bleakness of the night 

A lonley swallow does take flight

still searching

heart lurching

 

and as it rises it does sing

throughout the darkness echoes ring

still soaring

exploring

 

The swallow dives unto the ground

I know it's quarry it has found

Prey squirming

returning

 

The bird returns to empty nest

with food fetched at dead chicks behest

still waiting

deflating

 

For predators they killed her chicks

And left their empty bed of stick

denying

still flying

This is a poem I just composed about a bird by our house. A few weeks ago her chicks were killed by an owl. However, whenever she goes hunting, she leaves a worm like she used to. Food for her dead children

Hey! That's a nice poem. The topic in particular - which you sum up at the end - is poignant. The bird mourning its children through food.

An observation on language, though:

This reminds me of the first poem I wrote. Which, incidentally, was about a bird. I used 'unto' and 'thus' and so on. Essentially, the words common in the romantic poetry I was studying at school. The thing about poetry, though, is that each word must be chosen with conscious intent. Archaic words shouldn't be avoided, per se, but like any other words in a poem they require justification for their presence. In this poem, they add nothing and distract the reader from that main, poignant message - the grieving mother bird.

There's a similar issue with 'does take flight.' You are conforming to a rhythm, but using an unnatural sentence structure which (once more) distracts from your message. Don't be afraid to break rhythm - variety often makes the poem more interesting, and is a useful tool for highlighting important bits! Just be sure that, like with your words, you do it with intent.

Forgive me for tampering with your poem, it's just to highlight my point:

 

Within the bleakness of the night 

A lonely swallow takes flight

still searching

heart lurching

and as it rises it sings

throughout the darkness echoes ring

still soaring

exploring

The swallow dives to the ground

Its quarry it has found

Prey squirming

returning

The bird returns to empty nest,

food fetched for chicks at rest

still waiting

deflating

Predators killed her chicks

And left their empty bed of sticks

denying

still flying

Obviously I've changed this, so it no longer accurately reflects your style or intent - but in so doing I hope I've drawn some things to your attention. Archaic words were distracting from your message, and exclusively choosing words to fit rhythm/rhyme schemes was disrupting the flow and pacing of your poem.

I look forward to reading your next one!

Edit: The above inspired me to rework one of my earlier poems. I'd post the original, but it's rather long - have the edited version instead!

I Paused Beside a Grave

Are you asleep with flowers overhead,
Martin Peibel? You have lain for many years
judging by the rust.

Your name is nothing but black
curlicues on stone, and I came for family
further down the lane.

Why pause? Perhaps for gravity inherent
in the grave. Perhaps your silence
stayed my feet.

Regardless. I am here, and hope
you sleep with flowers
overhead.

dreams unspoken

I wake, sometimes, in the bright electric night
with orange bars unspooling on the bed

(having dreamt of lakewater catching golden
or a salamander breathing over coals)

and, rising to reality with the spark of speech
a-sizzle on my tongue,

pause. deflate. a stillness slides between my ribs, and coils
itself about my heart. my quiet bubbles

with sirens, parties next door,
or just the restless susurration of my breath.

and I am alone.

18 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

Need some honest feedback. I'm considering reading this aloud in public and I need to know if its any good.

                                                                Of Bewitching

Night so enchanted by gods and mortals alike filled with raucous laughter into the very soul of the untainted night. Midnight casts its mighty spell in vain against this faint shadow of Bacchanalia. Though the thyrsus wielder is nowhere to be seen the line splitting night and day is utterly shattered. A moon pure as quicksilver stands affronted by the smoke that rises and ascends to confront this hour chosen by foolish consent. Cool breezes float in a war like formation and seem to attack the inferno that disturbs the night yet the lions of flame are not cowed. I watched in shadow beneath the very pine where others in times long gone have gazed in bewilderment. The lord of winds spins in a dance more trance than conscious movement. Spiced spilled wine burns its way into the earth’s heart and makes Terra drunk and tremble. Jove almighty from his perch descended into a slumber not of this world. Revelry that weaves a song most mysterious wages a winning war against all the world. My eyes behold the shadows play in the depths of my mind as I too succumb to the strangest power of this strangest moment in time.

Honest feedback, then! There's nothing wrong with the poetical prose at all. It's very descriptive/imagistic/referential, which can make a piece seem trite and artificial, but it comes across well here.

If you're reading it out loud, your main problems will be pacing and intonation. Try thinking of places where your voice could rise/fall or speed/slow.

Also, the audience is important too. If speaking to a group of classical student/Greek enthusiasts, it's perfect. If proclaiming it to your family, expect questions such as 'what the hell is a Bacchanalia'!

In short: The piece is good and evocative, but think about how (and to whom!) you deliver it. Good luck!

Nice! The excerpts shown in the Amazon preview are really well written. Well done y'all.

So I've not been keeping up with the whole writing-as-a-hobby thing 'cause my doctorate's been draining me dry.

Hope to get back to it eventually!

Just wanted to comment on the character of Tommy Shelby which Karliene sings about in the youtube link below. It made me realise how many of my favourite characters are broken people who get up to act anyway. I found it a surprisingly helpful way to think of my own created characters too. (Also Kaladin, of course).

/random comment 

When dying seasons churn the restless sea
Into a foam-flecked frenzy, freed at last
Sane men are known to flee.

Some homeward to the hearths of family
Bring word that hope is necessary
When dying seasons churn the restless sea.

Others, feeling fear of sinning, to Holy See
Bring warning and a plea, for
Even sane men are known to flee.

Jaws taut, the brave leave quay,
Seeking untethered souls
When dying seasons churn the restless sea.

Yet more, while locking doors with silver key
Sigh to feel the wind which
Sane men are known to flee.

But I, feet edging sand, fling open arms
And laugh a challenge, though I know
When dying seasons churn the restless sea
Sane men are known to flee.

14 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

@TheDwarfyOne Piloting a steamboat sounds fun! 

The lake I swim in was pretty warm for most of the summer. At one point, it had been 84F (29C). Now it's down to 73F (23C). As it keeps cooling off, I'll wear my wetsuit shirt and shorts. But I may buy a full wetsuit this year so I can keep swimming later in the year. 

As it is, I'm down to 2-4 days a week and half a mile instead of a full mile. 

Now those temperatures are pretty much good summer weather here, so that sounds fine! I could handle that.

The steamboat was fun. My sister's bf owns and maintains one. I also convinced them to go up the Stairway to Heaven walk on the border with Cavan, which was fun. Loads of mites though.

^ My response to death-threat writing coaches.

Also, glad to finally have (largely) caught up with critiques. That was bothering me. But I did have a nice holiday at Loch Erne piloting a steam boat! And swimming in the lake. Which gave me new respect for @shatteredsmooth's lake-swimming. That thing was cold. I think my brother nearly had a heart attack when he jumped in, which was amusing.

Notes as I go:

P. 1. – Repetition of “little.”

Wait, aren’t these musicians from M? Why are they being so hard on the university?

“Making a mundie a monarch.” - Alliterative, feels like a saying.

“Record keeping everyone’s magical abilities? I feel like that makes it way too easy for the Black King to manipulate those whose skills he knows he needs.” – Yep. Like William’s Domesday book, which allowed him to know the fighting strength of England’s lords, something he used in later campaigns.

P. 3. – You’re promising that the fey will get lose here.

P. 5. – “If my sister heard about it, she’d do something stupid.” – a bit too candid?

And then there was a love interest! Didn't see that coming.

After reading other comments: I am beginning to think, like Mandamon and Kais, that this is far too much of the "walk and talk" type stuff. I feel the chapters would work better condensed or changed so that, while all the other information is conveyed, something plot-driven happens at the same time. I'm thinking people are disappearing (Ah! The revolutionaries are taking musicians out because Ir blabbed to her sister about her social activities on the beach and told the revolution, who now think that the musicians are involved in some BK plot/hold needed information!) and Ir is delving into the mystery while J tries to flirt. Random example. Though I will note that you've been promising a moment where S betrays Ir (or dramatically doesn't) for a while now. Her loyalties are divided.

Notes as I go:

P. 1. – “here, in the great stone plaza, decorated wildly with awnings and populated with fishermen, farmers, and tradesmen.” – this description should probably come sooner, so I can contextualise what you’re saying. Possibly also expand the description.

“Merchants, farmers, and fishermen cried their wares from brightly colored booths, each attempting to appeal to the diverse crowd passing by.” – You seem to be spreading the description through the page…

Actually, I’m wondering whether simply starting with “Fresh bass and sturgeon!” would be better, dropping the previous page entirely.

P. 3. - “Talem, like one of the great caravel ships, sailed through the crowds towards a bright red stand.” – hmmm, I liked this up until ‘sailed.’ Ploughed, maybe? Something more indicative of size and force.

 “For clandestine meetings?” – ooof, big booboo.

P. 4. - “at the last second.” – best dropped, I think.

“But the BK viewed the Revolutionaries as traitors” – fairly obvious at this point. Better just to show her looking distressed, we can probably guess why.

P. 6. - “It’s nothing but lies,” S murmured” – I’m liking how you established S is loving being part of something complicated and different from her role as mother, wife, so on. It builds into this moment, where her talents and abilities outside those roles are highlighted. She sees through what is announced and into the heart of what is meant.

P. 7. – Hah! Liking this. We see that I is concerned with family and personal relationships, something you also built earlier in the chapter. Then we have this nice juxtaposition of different value systems. S and T value the macro scale of governments and politics, something which you highlight I does not understand well. Hence, the core dilemma between the two. I will be swayed by personal interactions. S and T by political/economic policies. Micro vs. Macro.

“His purple and white wings unfurled, casting shadows over all of them.” – Nice allusion to the government, and that he’s a dragon ties in nicely with previous examples of dragonfire’s efficacy.

P. 11. – Is that… an innuendo? If so… I dunno, I’m getting weird thoughts about animal-people genitalia that I don’t want to have, ahah.

This is another good highlight of the stakes. Depending on how she plays this, she could lose new-found camaraderie or her sister.

P. 12. – More nice setting description. “like a woman putting her gold on.” Though, perhaps ‘jewellery’ would be better.

After reading previous comments: I agree with some of Mandamon's assessment of S' character. I feel "whiny and privileged" is a bit strong, but certainly her treating it as a hobby raised an eyebrow for me.

As for the census, I totally understand how it could be considered onerous. Consider the example of William the Conqueror. He invaded England, took it over. Replaced English lords with Norman French ones. Often granted lands in disparate locations as a means of dividing lords' power. Harrowed the North, burning it so much that the entire area did not recover for decades. And, also, instituted the Domesday Book.

All of these things were a means of control. There had been nothing like Domesday before. It catalogued lands, wealth (both in the time of William and one of his predecessors, Edward the Confessor) and the rights of lords. There's little textual evidence to say whether it was liked or not, but there IS plenty of evidence of people trying to avoid giving firm facts. It can be inferred that many people didn't like the interference.

My point is that the revolution and other city-folk are entitled to view a census of this sort as continued government interference. Big Brother, but also another front of the invasion.

Kais also has a point about the 'slice of life' thing. I liked both this chapter and the previous one, but both together seems a bit much.

Notes as I go:

P. 1. – “she refused to be anything more than excellent.” – ‘other than?’

“interrupting her musical musings” – this could be taken to mean her musings were musical, as in, not about music but literally of music. It’s obvious which you mean, but it’s still inexact.

P. 2. – “Willing, or had to?” Dun dun dunnnn! Foreshadowing.

“What would P think? Would the musicians be happy to be rid of her? Or would she drag them down with her? Why did she care?” This is your [Insert Stakes], eh?

I really wish I got to see the Revolutionary spiel, ahahah.

P. 3-4. Nice time lapse description!

P. 5. – Surely she’s been practicing an instrument already? It seems strange to feed her theory without the practical (spoken as someone who was forced to learn piano.)

P. 6. - “There’s a reason it’s called the C of B. Every holiday, the bell towers will play beautiful music that echoes through the hills.” – aww.

Much better interaction among the group members than previous chapter. Each feels like they’re just living rather than advertising their characters.

P. 8. – “He backed down.” – I feel this could be more descriptive.

P. 9. – Again, nice description of the surroundings. Loving the evidence of war.

P. 10. – Ra. Drat. Is that the assassin fella/gal? Can’t remember the name.

Overall: Starts with conversation with sister, transitions into the main conflict (social issues with the musicians) and then eases into a mystery. Sounds like a good arc!

After reading other comments: Well, at least I was right that it was the spy fella/gal! Even if it was a different name. There is a slight disconnect between the scenes, with leaps in time and place. But I don't mind it, personally. As for whether the chapter pulls its weight in terms of plotting, that depends on the purpose. If the purpose was to juxtapose I doing something she is beginning to love while also showing where future tension will lie - with one or two members of the group, and their Ma allegiance as opposed to her own allegiance to the Revolt, then all good. I'm invested in I's joy and love of simple things - even instruments - winning over a group of sometimes doubting individuals.

Perhaps the scene could be made stronger. I'm by no means a professional. But I don't think it deserves to be cut.

As an alternative, think about different types of swords. Fantasy is full of "He drew his blade," which is incredibly generic. What if katanas are prevalent in your world? You'd have to think about specific sword practices related to katanas. How they're cleaned, made, even sheathed. Suddenly you don't have something generic. You have something which adds to your world.

Just a thought.

Also note that it's fantasy. If you find conventional weapons boring, make one up. This will probably require the liberal application of magic or advanced technology, though. There's a reason we have conventional weapons - it's because they're the ones which work.

Previously:

Sure, I'll submit too! (I'd meant to last week, but a headache had me in bed for most of a day, so I figured it'd make more sense to submit for this week.)

Could I submit today too, please?

Notes as I go:

P. 1. “was over a decade old, from T. She would have been sixteen now.” – so T would have been six, meaning it wasn’t from T, but for T perhaps?

P. 3. “taking note of my movements.” – In the wrong person! It’s N’s movements.

P. 4. Interesting. The demon is her… date? Friend? I foresee a story-line in which a lonely girl has summoned a demon to be her companion, exploring themes of loneliness, never knowing if the demon is plotting against her. But I’m probably getting ahead of myself, ahahah.

“Comptable.” ??

P. 6. “vehicle whose physique would only be enhanced in the shadows rather than diminished” - Aha. Why do I feel this is indicative? Nice description too.

P.8. “An older man caught N’s eye, glanced at Raphael, then winked conspiratorially.” – Why? Because he thinks R is a sugar daddy? Because he thinks she’s a prostitute? Why would he wink conspiratorially at that?

P. 9. “to rapidly paint the table.” – unneeded adverb.

“His portion is somewhere a lot and piggish - N had ordered him a double helping for him.” Wrong tense. And you use him twice.

P. 10. “a devil likes mediterranean salad.” – tense.

P. 11. “Stared. His eyes slitted.” – “He stared. His eyes were slitted.”

P. 13. I can’t help but feel that N is being painfully obvious in wishing to dig for information. R is being very naïve to go along with it. Not sure if that’s the intended goal.

P. 14. “I began to” – person.

P. 15. Maybe think of italicising the French.

“I’d bet that at least five of those have the most unimpeachable alibis as to why they barely bought any souls.” He nodded, rubbing his hairless chin. “The most cunning would not have been caught up in the travails of war. I’ll talk to her. Horns and tails but I will.”” – You lost me here. I don’t follow the logic/understand what this means. Is it because his devils are crafty, ergo those claiming the war got in their way are liars and holding back souls? Maybe. But I don’t know.

Also, I’m still waiting for Ja to become relevant.

P. 17. “[INSERT MENTAL CURSING BECAUSE IT FITS]” – Em, yes. 

Overall: I feel like more visceral and active language is needed, stronger verbs for N than “moved,” “watched,” “wondered.” Perhaps the character isn’t hugely phased by the supernatural. But richer verbs bring the scene to life regardless.

You frequently confuse tense and sometimes confuse person. There are also other grammar issues which should be easily corrected, and sometimes oddly phrased sentences.N herself is confusing. The story begins as if she's summoned a demon to be her date, then segues into taxes, then segues into information-mining, none of which with any contextualising information to say why.

Edit: I read the other comments.

Quote

She's an anthropologist who discovered demons are real and is writing a book on them. I thought that I had conveyed that, which is why I'm explaining it now.

 

I got... next to none of that.

Notes as I go:

P. 1.  “thinking, before dismissing whatever thought flew by her mind. It must not have been

important.”  - Rather than say she dismissed the thought (which Ir wouldn’t know anyway) show how Ir would get that impression. Shaking her head? Looking away?

P. 2. “The laughter inside of the room” – unnecessary ‘of’

“Student was an understatement” – no it’s not. A student is someone who needs to learn, which is what Ir is.

“L, her magic confirmed.” – maybe you should italicise for her magic stuff? Actually, this entire paragraph is a bit long. Consider splitting it into the different people performing actions. So, after “wings dipping gracefully” have a new para for Ir’s magic. Then a new para for the gittern. Then a new para for the young man.

Who, by the way, should probably introduce himself before demanding others introduce themselves, or at least have Ir thinking it’s rude that he kinda ignores her when she comes in.

Everyone seems set to maximum wattage as well. Like, Ir enters and they immediately do their best to introduce their respective characters as blatantly as possible. Not that that’s a bad thing! But it’s a bit much all at once.

P. 3. I feel like unfocused eyes would inspire discomfort rather than surprise.

P. 6. It sort of feels like Ir is being entirely reactive in this scene. I’d like to see her impose herself a bit more…

P. 7. “Our stomach” – stomachs?

Overall: Dialogue between multiple people needs work, and Ir definitely needs to be more active.

Notes as I go:

P. 1. I felt when it came to “As soon as P. released her” that you were talking about every day rather than that particular instance.

“Terracotta and cream blurs” – nice.

Perhaps “Of the cliff?”

Ah, yes, finally! A proper and intense emotional reaction to what’s happened. I don’t know how much editing you’ve done, but maybe indicate this is coming in the previous chapter.

P. 4. Is there any way to know if someone is magical in-universe? Because if I were in that universe and saw someone do something no one else could do – like touch iron – I would assume it was their magical ability. Also, flip, why would he be making nails out of a harmful substance? I’d assumed he’d be making weapons for the BK. Now THAT would be an interesting use for iron. War and oppression – which the BK would love to exploit.

Not much wrong with this chapter! Well written.

Notes as I go:

P. 1. “Myself” - used too many times in first sentence!

“Barnes and Noble” – nice touch of realism.

“I was a bit unsteady, but the crisp autumn air and the light exercise helped clear my head and

though it still hurt, I otherwise felt fine.” – Run-on sentence

“Wicking away”?

“Weaving”

It was my first impulse to say that this page didn’t follow the “in late, out early rule.” I’d be inclined to give her a paragraph or two to process and move, then get into the meat of the chapter. But the part about paranoia is probably an important character note. Though “that had washed through me” should drop the “had.”

P. 2. “Shiver in my bones” – if this is a phrase specific to the character, great! Otherwise it seems a bit confusing.

Going into page two, I definitely feel like we’re just delaying the action. I like the description, but feel it could be condensed.

P. 4. “The sound was annoying, and I was about to back away from the two of them to get away from the sound until one of them opened their mouth. Instead canine teeth, the woman had fangs.” – the sentence needs reworked. Also, finally, the conflict! At page four it’s coming a bit late.

P. 5. A bit confused. You keep calling the man ‘she’?

“She’s a demon,” I rushed out, before I could reconsider what was coming out of my mouth. “You think I’m insane, but wait for her to try to bargain for your soul.” – I feel most of the dialogue could be cut, and this should come very near the start.

P. 7. “A runs the universe.” I take it Y is a Muslim? Do they not say Allah’s full name, or something? Is she being irreverent or witty or rude?

This has been a looooooooot of description. It would be better to have a few paragraphs at the start outlining the trip, describing some salient points of local geography. Maybe her noticing fang-woman leading a man astray and wishing she could help, then leap straight into the conversation with Y and S.

P. 9/10. Whiiiiich should probably not read so much like an inquisition.

The rest is in a similar vein.

The main problem I have with this chapter is its lack of real conflict. You have a smidge at the start with fang-lady (except even that was diluted by dealing with it through the man, and the demon was entirely passive and sheep-like) and then a smidge more at the end. But the real focus of this chapter seems to be description and exposition, both of which are done well, but neither of which makes a reader turn the page. Or rarely does.

Look forward to the next chapter!

Silent Valley reservoir.

As for the bay... I'm actually not sure. But it's just down the coast from Carlingford.

Edit: Yep, I google mapped it, and it's probably Carlingford Lough

I'll send a pic when I get it 

Also, went up the Mournes yesterday. 14 and a half miles.

So I just spent 235 quid on the WoK leatherbounds.

Somebody send a shrink, I need my head examined 

(Totally worth it though)