M.Puddles

I'm glad they helped. You're welcome.

Yes. The magic lets him see all sorts of new wave lengths.

Thanks @kaisa The first time I wronte this chapter, I didn't know what 'fridging' was. I just knew that was the way I'd read stories before. After learning better, I did go back and change things. The girl never died thoguh. An shed helps protect P, but you don't hear about it till the next chapter. But I'm concerned about the way this presents. Some questions; The forest is dark. As in dark. Only P can see. I'm really trying to bring that out. I'm not sure if I'm doing that. When I think of someone grabbign at me in the dark, especially after being chased already, I'd probably cry out. Am I being unfair? I'm trying to channel a twelve year old's perspective here, but maybe I can bring out some of the ROARS conditions of this girl in the dialogue of the Uncle or the soldiers form before...My hesitation is that they are not the type of characterts to attend to that. If you are willing to offer a suggestion, I'd appreciate it. Otherwise I will wait to see how it plays out after the next chapter, and base revision on that. My other consideration is the fighting. I like fighting. I enjoy fight scenes. Most of the 2000 words I cut were fight scenes. I got annoyed int LOTR and other stories when they skip over how fights were won. I would have liked to read a chapter or two on teh battle of Gandalf vs. the Balrog. Now I dont' like M. Bay movies because that is all he offers...but I'm trying to hit the lines of M. Lawrence and Abercrombie. I've most of my life learning how to fight, and I know I more interested in fighting than most. I'm trying to target a particular audience with it without derailing other potential readers.

I am sorry this is late. I'd tell you why, but my tale isn't an interesting story. So let me begin by saying, This chapter enaged me. For long sections, I forgot I was critiquing and just lost myself in the story…and then had to go back and drag a comb through; I didn’t find much. You have a great start to your story. I wasn’t sure where it was going after chapter1, but I like it. I think the first paragraph needs to be stronger though. It didn’t grab my attention, I didn’t hook till later. But when you got rolling, it thundered along.

@industrialistDragon Thanks for reading my chapter. Would you mind showing me what, " somethings and somehows and some-whatsits" look like? The princess peach factor. I hope the following chapter addresses that somewhat. I'm captivated by a comment like this, but I did try and condence this. I chopped 1000 words on my first look over, and 1000 words on a next. At this point, I'm not sure how to condence it more. Pleaase, would you mind showing me an example?

This is the second half of the chatper you started a couple of weeks ago. I'd appreciate any feedback you'd bless me with. Thank you for your care and time. I do repay all crits. I''m behind right now (just had to do 27 reports cards) but I make good, and return what is given. Matt Please keep in mind, this is my story and enjoy reading and writing stories in the like of Abercrombie, P. V. Brett, and M. Lawrence. I'm trying to write a story like that captures that audience.

I'd like to submit for the 12th. I'm completely focussed on report cards now, and have to catch up on some of my critiqus. By next week, they'll be all done and I can focus on my own projects again.

I think aeromancer did. To paraphrase: I don't think I would like this in my thread, so I'm going to stop doing it in Kasia's' thread. If you want to continue the conversation, come join me @ place. Aeromancer didn't say Kasia didn't like it. Aeromancer said Kasia may not like it. To me, it appears that Aeromancer is trying to treat Kasia, the way that he would like his chapter thread treated.

Thanks to you all for reading, asking questions and making comments. I reflect on these comments quite a bit and make notes on where things are coming through, and where they aren't. Chapter one and two are separated by about four years in time. Originally, Chapter 1 was going to be my prologue, and chapter 2 my chapter 1. But moving forward they will switch places. Raiders will be the prologue, and Chapter 1 will be Gem of Worlds. Like any good fantasy, you are going to see some strange things in this world. @industrialistdragon caught on to the post-apocalyptic vibe a bit. Only, this apocalypse happens about a hundred years after Rome conquers Greece. Mind you, it's not out Rome or our Greece, but that is the world I'm playing inside of. The world's population plummeted, and one empire survived a theocracy and, barely. No one but the army or agents of the Empire are allowed the carry swords, and projectile weapons are only making a comeback. You're going to see prejudices, non-standard heroes struggling with addiction, pedophilia, ambition, ambivalence, asexuality and faith. But it all starts off in an insulated country that has enjoyed centuries of privilege, peace, and indoctrination. I think I may remove this from the chapter altogether. But, I think this paragraph indicates that his shoulder will bruise unlike when they trained at Landon's place. Would you explain oblique? I'm not familiar with that term in this context. Yup. That is what is happening. Do you have a suggestion that would clarify the blocking? This point came up a few times. I will clarify this in my next run. The report indicates a girl was abducted by the raiders, and Landon is trying to get her back/apprehend the raiders. Yup. I'll do that. You want to know why Landon is called upon, instead of the soldiers handling it themselves? If I clarify that, will it help you engage?

This is the second chapter of my book, and the first one to introduce one of my protagonists, Petro. This is a Fantasy book that I describe as: A hero and an anti-hero find themselves working together to rescue the People's Champion after he is arrested by a corrupt Theocracy during a coup. Due to length, I had to cut this chapter in half for this week's submission. I think it detracts from the potency of the cliffhanger, but 6500 words exceeds the preffered 5k word cap. Let me have it. Tell me what you think. Make suggestions, prescriptive or otherwise. Thank you for your time and care, Matt.

I know I'm coming to understand this chapter late, but I assumed M was a girl too. I know one M, she's blond, Polish, smokes and wears too much foundation. When I read the chapter I thought the non-soldiers were suggesting that S and M would be homosexual 'pals'. I'm sorry for upsetting you and Kasia. I'm not happy I did that and my experience doesn't excuse it, and it does explain it. When I made this error, it was not malicious, but an error. After reading Kasia's response to my own, I assumed that S was a some either 'nongendered, or some sort of forest golem/creature. I'm a little embarassed about how long it took me understand who S is, but when I read this: I think I tagged the feminine tag to her. When I wrote about her later, I inadvertently misquoted the text. I didn't decide to do it to be stubborn. I definitely would not have done that consciously after I knew it upset the author. I did do it, but I didn't set out to do it, and I didn't realize I'd done it until after she pointed it out, again. I'm here to learn like anyone else. That burden is on me, and I'll take what help as it is offered. I think I've met three gay people in my life, at least, openly gay and I don't think I've met more than one non-cis white male. In university there was 'one,' yes only 'one' openly gay man that we knew about. And everyone referred to him as 'D' the gay guy. So I see similarities between the way we were and the nonguards in this story. I'm actively reading Kasia's stories because I find them interesting and challenging. I'm considered a well-read libertarian where I live, but I live in a small Canadian city, teach in a Catholic school, and half the people I know thought Trump would be a great president *head/deask*. As for reading, I think the last dozen books I read were: Speaker for the Dead (Card), Wenjack (Boydon), Drive (Pink), Minsde (Dweck)t, Ex-Communication (P. Clines), Shades of Milk and Honey (Robinette-Kowal), Lost Stars (StarWars YA), Why Student's Don't Like School, The Last Guardian (Gemmel), A Darker Shade of Magic, and Hero Of Ages and The Miniaturist by (Brown). I've read these in the last six weeks. I have no idea if any of them are of a minority. The only one I know of for sure is Boydon. I've chosen which Non-Fiction i"m going to read and sprinkle in a few others based on recommendations at the back of the books I've learned from. As for Fiction, I choose one I want to read, and then take someone else' recommendation, and read that. I do this because two years ago, I realized that my bookshelves had too narrow a focus and I needed to expose myself to more and varied fiction. Feel free to recommend a book though, neongray. Out of all the recommendations, I've only not finished one. Kushiel's Dart. I didn't enjoy it, and I didn't like the premise. I think I probably wrote too much, and this thread is veering away from the writing and towards issues that may be related to parts of the story, but not the story itself. Unless Kasia replies or wants to discuss it more, I think will finish my entries for this thread here. neongrey/Kasia, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for referring to S as feminine, again. It's not on purpose. That doesn't excuse it but I prefer to understand intention when I've experienced a slight. I'll think on what you've said. My initial reaction is that it IS up to the marginalized to SPEAK, and to keep speaking until enough people hear a message and form so many places that it can take off...But I'm probably biased, based on my own experiences and I did re-read your story before I wrote back and asked for clarification. I want you to know that. I'm going to think on what you've said. I often come back with a new understanding of things when I do.

Hi Kasia, Thanks for taking the time to point out some of the world building. Although others may have caught the mentions, many readers may not. The writers I know, usually, read closer than most of the readers I know. I can only imagine the look on your face as you read this comments. I wouldn't be surprised if you were doing something akin to a *head/desk*. Let me review your explanation and share how I read the scene, just in case it might help you, me, or both of us. I thought the reason for the scorn here was because she was sensitive to the noun 'witch'. I slowed, and puzzled over this as I read. My train of thought directed me towards the lines that she was illegitimate, or adopted or perhaps some sort of golem. When she satated that 'I am her daughter', I took that as a point of pride about her connection to her mother more than her identity. I thought this was a creepy rape type of threat. I assumed that this was character building, and that that 'my body' was a way of saying 'me/I'. Rightly/Wrongly I read this as the original meaning of the word. Most fantasies are pre-industrial and that word is more a modern one. I'm sorry if my interpreation furstrated you. It may be because of my limited exposure to genders that go beyond male/female. The place where I live is way too homogenous, and although we are taking steps and trying to do better, we dno't have a lot of exposure to a lot of cultures beyon Euro/First Nation. In terms of stories, I mostly read a cuople of fantasy books and a few non-fiction books at the same time. The non-fiction books cater to cognition and learning and the Fantasy books tend to veer towards Peter Brett, Joe Abercrombie, Mark Lawrence, Rothfuss, and Hobb. I also read my sister's YA romance books. These are the books I like and there aren't many gender issues goign in them. One of the reasons why I purposefully read your work is because I realize that I am weak in this area, and want to get better. I'd like to continue reading and critiquing yoru work, because I find it challenging and I learn from it. If don't find them helpful, I understand. I'll keep to reading them and leaving my comments to myself.

I would like to submit a chapter for this coming Monday, February 27th, please.

Fair enough. I was curious if this character may be something non-human. I puzzled over the bits where her mother, wasn't her mothre but it was hazy to me, and I don't know how else to refer to that character. And to be honest, most everything I read still uses only two gender based pronouns, and that is still my default setting. Would you mind highlighting what I should have noticed?

Hi Kasia, I read through this quick. It was interesting, and easy to read and I'd easily turn the page and read chapter two. I noted a few things though. The scene doesn't open up with much setting. It takes a few pages to reveal the time of day, and I don't know what the room/house looks like. I know it gets destroyed, so it isn't likely to be revisted, but I did notice it missing. The first could of pages were a bit abstract setting wise. I don't think you established your light source inside the house either. I think you could open with a stronger line. One that doesn't use a 'to be' verb. Suggestion: I tossed the child sized hand, steaming and disconnected from the whole onto the floor with the rest of the bones...or something along those lines. There are a few places where I noticed unecssary filtering. These are thigns likely changed in a future draft: Page 1 They had to be so hot so as to be sterile. -> I needed them hot and sterile. Page 2 Even that small amount of extract made my house smell of fish. -> Such a small amount and my house reakeed of fish. .but for now the vapor had to be left to scald my skin and churn my stomach. -> ...but for now the vapor scaleded my skin and chruned my stomach. The color dropped? I allowed myself a smile as the rings beld together, though I still fought the urge to voit. -> I smiled through clenched and tried not to vomit as the rings bled toghther. Page 3 ...and fill the middle pouch on my belted sash. -> and fill the middle pouch of my belted sash. The house reeked of fish, and those not used to pyridine can get terrible headaches along with the standard digestive upset. -> The house reeked of fish, and those not used to pyridine can get terrible headaches and upset stomachs. The pace slows down for the next page. I think the backstory goes on too long here. It feels like it takes much too long for her to answer the door. Page 4 Batch of visitors? Unclear. A breeze came in first and blew mist right in my face. -> A breeze covered my face in/with mist/ The draft misted my face. I think 'came' is too weak a verb here. If the soldier had fallen from his mount, he'd look banged up and not just soaked. The queen's comission piece was done--Mother had finished it just before she left... The two Queensguard in front of me had to be new, or maybe had gotten lost on the way. -> The Queensguard has t to be new, or maybe they'd just traipsed through the forest lost before finally finding me. Page 5 "What sort of witchery is in here!?" I'm not sure how YA reacts to double punctuation, but I'd use 'there' instead of 'here'. Aswakrd wording. Perhaps 'tact' or 'decorum' or 'professionalism'? Page 6 You start by repeating yourself a little: Suggestion: My words had bite, though probably not for the reasons they thought. The second man sneezed and in doing so sent a spray of water across... -> The second man sneezed sending a spray of water... Missing a 'd' on gesture: I stepped bakc and gesture to the small dinning tablee... Page 7 Here was my mother's heart and my mother's legacy, and her father's before her. Why don't you refer to her mother's mother as grandmother? Page 8 GOOD Page 9 Odd word choice when your character says "Which we are liscened for..." shortly after being accused of being a witch. Page 10 GOOD Page 11 A master woodcutter would be worth more than a witch, but we seem to be out of that option. -> A master woodcutter woudl be worth more than a witch, but we'll make due with you. You write that the girl "bit her lip" and then bites the man's hand in the same sentence. It removed me from the story for a moment. I'm not liking the 'non-guard- noun. Page 12 You repeat an earlier line here. I think you can cut the line: "We'd have preferred the woodcutter, but you will do." It reads well without it. She starts running without any mention of her ankle. It would burn as she ran, no? Page 13 GOOD Page 14 Shouldn't the reaction cause heat if it's eatching through metal? Page 15 Odd flow to the sentences. ...like the villagers did, using disdain to curl the word into illegitimacy. ...as me moved towards me in a crouch. ...and he motioned for me to bring my hands together in front. Page 16 GOOD Page 17 I should have had this experience already, of taking another's life. This needs to be phrased differently. There was urgency now, to finding her, more os than nust irritated clients. -I understood what you were saying, but it was a bit cumbersome. Page 18 Self-defense it might have been, but no one deserved to die like that. -> Nobody deserved to die like that, self-defense or not. Recap: This is a good start to your story. It's exciting, interesting and fun.

You are right. I wrote that book for me. I wanted to see if I could write a story (I could) and if I would get better as I did (I did). Like Brandon, I may have to come back to it at a future time, when I've earned more skill and try again. But for now, I will give a re-write and see how it turns out. This may sound self-righteous, but I just want to write stories, and get better at it. I'm not worried about publishing right now. If I continue to work at it, I will get there. For now, I'm working on the re-write and the prequel. The prequel is less ambitious, takes place hundreds of years before my trilogy, and is limited to one major P.O.V. character. So far, I like having two projects on the mind instead of one. The feedback and guidance I've received here is helpful and encouraging. Thanks to all of you for being awesome. For those of you who are curious, this is what the 'original' start to my prologue looked like: The air was stale, and as Raynauld waited for his eyes to adjust to the tiny light of his lamp he could feel the arid stillness on his cheeks. The darkened recess that he had just stepped into opened onto a narrow pathway whose floor led beyond the narrow penumbra of his light. Even when he held the lamp high above his head, he couldn’t see where the darkness ended. Raynauld could see the walls were fashioned of a black rock, but even they failed to offer contrast against the floor a few feet beyond the immediate vicinity of his lamp. Uncertain about the path before him, Raynauld turned to look back through the small access-way from which he had come. He saw Raist standing beyond the dusty shelves of broken clay jars, old kitchen-wares, and sacs of moth-riddled cloth and was reassured by the man’s steady presence.

Thank you for your help. I'll take a look at that right away. Not that others weren't, but your feedback is explicit and informative. Thank you. (The first draft finished at 334, 800 words.)

Thank you Robinski, That was helpful. I'm takign a writing class that is pushing me to infuse more details into my writting and I think I swung too far over on that spectrum. I really wanted to establish elements of the relationsihp between Raist and Paynaud, and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm reading that I did that and more...and possibly too much. I've got a bad habit of repeating, and I tried to find and purge them, but I'm just starting to get better at it. I will read over this again. Other than the sword checking, could you give me one example of my repetition so I can pick up on it quicker? If skip the walkign downt he tunnel, and start at the big glphed wall and enter form there, would that help do you think? Lastly, did the fight scene work for you?

Hi Hobbit, I looked forward to reading this, and seeing how it might change after the initial posting. And I liked this draft more. I remember the feeling I had the first time, and this time, and I was able to becoem more engaged with the story this time. I did make some notes, and I will get to them in a moment, but first some general thoughts. The conversation flow between Cl and Dragon was better I think she dismisses the dangerous serial killer vibe too quick. She would be searching the room for other people too, wouldn't she? Not just looking at adverts. She will want to know she is not alone and safe in the 'company' of others I like the ending, and I think Claire should make a more definitive choice at the end. Could you perhaps have her think of an invitation to go for drinks with a colleage near the start, and then have her call James and tel lhim she's goign out with friends and not goign over tonight? I don't know what happens next, or if you're next chapter takes place in a week or ten minutes, so this might not work. Your first line isn't as stark or powerful as it could be. What do you think of this; I find peace in the rain...etc. Then write an emotial reaction to the way the water feel on her skin as it drips to the ground. -Just an idea. Page 3 I think it reads better if you swap the position of these phrases: Page 4 You need a new paragraph after the dialogue here: I have trouble imagining 'drops' of foam on the window. Perhaps just say that she splatterred foam on the window? You have some weird formatting here: Huh? Awkward sentence. A couple, laughing at some private joke, step through the doorway behind him. I think you can really emphasize the end of this paragraph by adding, "But ten?" at the end of it: People don't hiss. Maybe the word 'snap' works better? I notice that she's not usign James name when she speaks with Dragon. Is this intential on your part? She keeps referring to James as 'my partner'. Suggestion: I hope you escape your cage of joy. To recap: I liked it. Your writing imrpoved, and I found the dialogue more believable than before. I think you can ramp up the affect the conversation with Dragon has on Claire by her making an obvious choice to do something differently at the end, and seek human contact other than James. (In some way, she's already decided to do that by approaching Dragon). Just take it one step further. I don't think you removed the life of the story in the re-write. I think you made it more succint. I hope this helps. Matt

Hey Robinski, I like the binary. Though, I could imagine it becoming tedious later on in the book. Opening thoughts. I read 000001 right before bed, after a long day and I wasn't moved. I read chapter 2 and re-read chapter one again the next day. On the whole, I liked chapter 2. Chapter 1 wasn't as exciting. I played with the text at times. Mostly for ideas of how the flow could change. Ignore it as you see fit. Chapter 1 The phrasing through me off on page 1. "then opened his hand towards his android companion, also suited." I didn't realize what the meaning was until after I read chapter 2, and learned more about Quirk. I would consider rephrasing: The business-suited man tapped a point on his desk corresponding to a key on his virtual keyboard (because transporting mass cost money) then opened his hand towards his android companion who was dressed in a fine red and yellow polka dot suit. Page 2 I read 1 S.F. book for every 5 fantasy books these days, and I find I do need to use a dictionary when I read S.F. But that being the case, I did have to check up a few words in these chapters. So...just be aware of you vocabulary level. I had to look up 'boffin's on this page. I didn't really understand the part of the dialogue where the android was complaining that he could have purchased a plot. I think that may nave to do with the blocking. I imagine the man and the android were inside a research facility and the android being the property of that facility. I didn't understand how he could pay for things Chapter 0000010 Page 1 I liked this chapter, but I noticed a few very long sentences. As usual, taking the shuttle ship from the Interplanetary Transport Terminal at the edge of Sol's asteroid belt to Geostation One had been about as much fun as passing through through a whale's colon, Quirk imagined. Quick (action) scratched his ear and imagined itTight and hot, without much hope of a happier place on either side. At least his pinstriped Merrion suit was safely folded.... This is a strange thing for someone to imagine. I don't get any idea why he would imagine this throughout the chapter. I had to look up sartorially. I looked up dahling. Look how long this sentence is: 57 words. With happier memories of a buisness class flight from Chile to Italy, Quirk strolled through the vast, airy arches of Biella Spaceport terminal, where everything from glacial marble floor to soaring, dandelion steelwork, was white, and onto the turbine train, which whisked him out of Piedmont and into Lombardy, depositing him in Milan inside of twenty-five minutes. I don't know what dandelion steelwork is. The number of things I have to keep in memory, added to the fact that the dandelion steelwork eluded me, left me with an unclear image of something you worked hard to establish. Page 3 You follow that sentence up with another long one: 32 words. None of the Expansion worlds, with their environmentally optimised, agri-cities, could lay claim to the chaotic, dirty charm of Earth, a landscape forged from thousands of years of human conflict and rust. I like what you were painting, just not how you were painting it. The rest of the page read well until: It was apparent that you mean that statues littered the walls. And the statues were in the walls or atop the walls? Page 4 This is too abstract. I can't imagine something being the shadow of a faded picture. It's too insubstantial. I think you put into too much here. Using the word 'fraction' doesn't work for me here. Fractions can be large parts of small parts of a whole. Usually, I have heard it used with some sort of qualifier: He turned his head a fraction of a degree, and spit out the awful moonshine. Page 5 This part confused me. I was intrigued by what you were saying, but I didn't understand it. The country folk were using the locations that used to belong to fancy shops to sell produce and other farm goods. Okay, so high fashion was replaced with the salt of the earth, and then right passed this, we have a new age McD's. and then a lot of high fashioned ladies with High fashioned items (Louis Vuitton) bags. I don't understand the meaning of what you are describing. Has high fashion been displaced, or replaced? I thought it was replaced, and now I think it has only been displaced by a few hundred feet? Slang? Page 6 His knees twitched once, twice jsut before the Blu sensor... I don't understand what the significance of the twitching knee is. Page 7 & 8 I really enjoyed this page. This chapter didn't end with much of a took, it felt like it was scene and sequel itself. That leaves me wondering where you are going to go in your next chapter, and I worry about the lack of conflict. I would continue reading, but I would start to worry if I didn't get introduced to some conflict right away in chapter 3. On the whole, You wrote this well. I enjoyed Chapter 2, and wasn't wowed by chapter 1. A few little fixes in word choice and sentence length would make your images more clear, and you'll want to introduce a conflict quickly in chapter 3. Thanks for putting this up for me to read. Matt

Thank you, Kasia, Hobbit, and Mandamon. I appreciate the time you took to read, respond and offer helpful ideas. I have some questions for you, if you don't mind. @Kasia I'm left with a vagueness after reading. I don't really have a feel for the characters, the stakes, or the motivations. -I'm not sure what to do about this. Raist and Paynaud are my antagonists for the first book of this trilogy. In this chpater I want to reveal that there is magic in this world, that something ancient is let loose, give a hint at the prison that kept it, and show that these two men were involved. This scene takes place a couple of years before the main action of my story and these two characters don't become important until the second half of the book. After my first draft, book one is over 1300 pages and I'm just trying to give a sip of what might be brewing behind the scenes. With that said I think this chapter might be best used as a Prologue or say, maybe chapter 3 with a heading that say '2 Years ago'. -- page seven: all these glyphs and I want them better laid out. the whole discussion of the tunnel and the findings needs more description. It sounds so exciting but I'm not getting any visuals really, and I really want them Petroglyphs are rudimentary by their nature but I want to know more here. By page 9, when they are tyring to figure out what to do with the giant wall slab you feel like your attention is wanning. I'm worried that slowing down the narrative to explain more of the tunnel would add to the problem. What if I skipped the tunnel, and opened the scene with Raist puzzling out how to get past the slab? In terms of the slab, instead of a 'level' like device, what were you secretly hoping for here? page twelve: so at this point I have no feel for either character. Setting is getting better, but these two characters: what do they look like? Why are they doing this? Who are they? -I agree on this. I tried to put some hints in there, but I rewrote this scene fifteen times in the last week, and in this cut many of the hints were cut out. What i revealed: Raist has a beard. He is martial, and younger than Paynaud. Raist stands taller than Paynaud. Paynaud is weak, lazy and has a nasally voice. It isn't much. I'm really open to your thoughts here. What do want to more of from both characters. page fourteen: so they found what they were looking for, this 'Gem of Worlds', which was never mentioned before. So, good? We can all go home? - How much does this bother you? I'm hesitant to reveal much about these characters. It gets revealed later, but I don't want to ignore a reader's needs. If I have Paynaud allude that this 'gem' may help him fund his plans, would that be enough without revealing what they are...yet? page seventeen and we find out the servant has magic? Feels convenient. Also I think this whole scene is taking a mite too long. Suggest cutting way down, maybe in half or so -This once confused me. I mention that Raist considered summon his magic to pierce the light a couple of times, earlier in the chapter. @Hobbit Breathing dust is like inhaling the dead his father once said. Strange how I only think of him when I’m angry, Raist mused.These two sentences parallel each other in a way that throws me off as I'm reading. If I changed it to: "Breathing dust is like inhaling the dead...his father's words. Strange how he only comes to mind when I'm angry, Raist mused. would that work better? The stagnant air hung heavy as though he’d stepping inside a tomb. I thought he was in a tomb. He is, but he doesn't know that yet. To his mind, he's just in the underhalls as this point. I will have to make this apparent. ...but when he held the lamp aloft, he saw light scurry across the surface like a small lizard, wary of the light. Light is wary of light. It comes across as kind of an awkward comparison. When Raist dabbed at his cheek with his fingertips, he wasn’t surprised to see them come away red.Why is he okay with hurting himself? Seems careless? Thanks for this one. I have rewritten this scen so many times. Initially he felt something sharp along his cheek when he punched at the slats. But I cut it out hoping to show that he was cut by wiping his ckeeks and noticing the blood. It didn't work. but when he held the lamp aloft, the light glinted along the surface like moonlight swaying to ripples in the water. Better? He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until he stood above the coffin, looking down at the still shaking tablet.I'm having trouble with the blocking. At first I thought the dias was the coffin, but if so, how is he standing above it? So the huge stone coffin is atop a dais (defined as a low platform for a lectern, seats of honor, or a throne). I'm having trouble blocking this. Suggestions? The room sparkled with light banishing the darkness to reveal fantastic hues emanating from the torch. ... I thought the torch had gone out? This entire paragraph is especially confusing. I'm losing my mental picture. -The torch fell inside the coffin, and now the light is glowing out of its top. I struggled trying to write this too. @Mandamon Pg 1: First sentence is pretty long and clunky. Not sure how the motes are covering him in regret. They don't. They cover him in neglect. pg 3: "There was something about this particular tunnel that made the hairs on his arms stand on their end. I’ll leave it unless it becomes absolutely necessary."--I'd rather know what it is, so I get a sense of what's happening. What do you think I could do to show that Raist doesn't know what it is, but that it is boterhing him. pg 7: weird change from double space to single space. Computer wizardry. Sorry. pg 17: "With a grunt, Raist summoned his magic,"--oh finally."giant ball sparked to life"--Sooo his magic is a ball of...what? This made smile. Thanks. What did the magic look like to you? It may not work, but I only want to hint and what it is. These are not my main characters...They are Harly Quinn and Joker, and you have not met my Batman yet. So your answer here is important to me. Thanks again for helping get better.

Chapter 2: This is going to take the form as a flow of conciousness. Page 1: Your 2nd and 3rd line is hard to see. If you make it more concrete it would be easier: Fresh air funneled through his notstrils... Sam pops through a strange hole, finds himself somplace warm and new and the first thought that comes to mind is his aunt? I think he might wonder where he was especially since he is scared of new places. A warm breeze flowed through his (hair type) carrying angry trills... I'm starting to wonder why Sam isn't demanding who the strange person is and where he might be quicker. The sentence that describes the man's robe is clunky. This bit is confusing. I'm still surprised that Sam isn't showing much anxiety in the first page. Page 2 Was he Was he hallucinating? The readers know why he would be. I think you should show how possesive he is of the watch and write it as thought it is his instead of using the a generic article. "He took out his watch, wound it...." I thin he takes too long to stand here. People usually stand when they are scared or uncertain and wouldn't want to be 'back against the wall' on the ground while being a stranger in a strange land. You tell us he hyperventilating before sowing us enough physiological symptoms. This isn't so much a sentence as a two consecutive phrases. Page 3 I think you need to show more phsyiological effects related to anxiety. Earlier you described the air being fresh. I think you can cut this part: Filtering. he being Sam of the Kirien? Sam spoke. You described them as dimming in chapter 1. The fire didn't burn out, it just died. He slowed his breathing, keeping pace wiht the watch. Page 5 When you describe the crystal yellow, I pictured it being a physical subtance and not light. His heart raced at the memories of hominty grits The description of the kitchen should be in Chapter 1. It woudl make this flashback more potent and set that scene up better. Sam wouldnt' be thinking about this at this time, in this place. It felt like you threw it in there to build plot/worldbuild Page 6 I don't know why but I kept picturing this scene as though it were on the ship. The resonances form the description of the wood walls and the overhang overhead along with the colored 'feathering' made me think of parrots. I definitely didn't get the idea of an alley. This page reads well. I think you can cut this out: Page 7 Descrbing how this specie moves could tell us a lot. Page 8 This doen't feel like it the right question for Sam. I expected him to ask something else instead based on what i know of him so far. Maybe: "You haven't heard of Earth? or "How could you not have heard of Earth?" As far as Sam knows...We are alone in the universe. I don't understand how he can hear and see all the comotion in the street from where he in the alley, and why this didn't set his anxiety off quicker. Page 9 Page 9 I like your opening chapters. There is some minor stuff about Sam's reactions and how his anxietly plays a part, but I think that you can address that easily in the next draft. I did have trouble picture the Kirian a bit. I think you might be aided using more similes to do that. If I picked up this book, I would have read to the end of what you had writter here and...then turned the page for Chapter 3.

I'm sorry for having to do this in a reply, but my work computer is ancient. Go go public schools. It didn't have the memory for copy pasting in the last post, and it showed my letter with a ten second delay as I typed. Snot and tears freeze first. Ice Crystals on his neck pulled me from the story. Too much naval gazing here. Let us readers figure this out by his reaction and actions. I thin you need a simile/metaphor here. I had trouble ‘seeing’ it. Chapter 1 is interesting. I’m curious about what is happening, but not at all the questions, Sam is asking himself. I think you could streamline this scene and enhance its effect and power by focusing less on what Sam is thinking, and showing us more physiological results of the environment and his actions.

Hello, Thank you for sharing your chapters. I've only finished Chapter 1 but I wanted to post my thoughts while they were fresh and before I lose them. I think you should describe the house right off. Mention the style of the home, and possibly the old wallpaper on the wall. I read and re-read this page, and I didn’t think I was in an old lady’s home until you mentioned it. I think you are conveying that the watch is a comfort to Sam. Make that more clear by connecting the end of paragraph 2 to the beginning of paragraph 3. It contains this too? When was the first time? At the end of the first page, I don’t know what is happening, what Sam looks like, or what the room he is in looks like. You are hinting at his emotions, but those things are more abstract than the physical environments. I think you need to lower the level of abstraction. You're dialed in on his emotional insecurity, bu that is all I really have. I did like the way you slipped some physical details, but they weren't enough for me to picture the place. You travel from a room through the hall and into another room. In effect you have three settings. Nonsequitur. Too many things hinted at early on. You don’t need this one. It is odd that can hear the watch ticking in his pocket but not the beat of his own heart. When I’ve experienced anxiety attacks, I hear thumping. Unnecessary filtering. Wordy. Passive writing. This part is confusing. I dont' think you need the comma after rise. Unclear. Did he stop to check?